Opinions: Has he established and will keep his new relationship?

[So Upset]

The man I loved is a Narcissist. I admit to all the abuse he gave and that I took including physical. I sounds sick but I was able to settle things, learn from my genuine causality and not get sucked into the causality that he thought I should admit to. I also didn't put up with his even beginning to be rude. In short, I learned, I changed behavior and found healthier ways to interact with him. After months of break up, we came together again. He noted that I had changed, that things between us were "healthy" (his and my words), that we were finding ways to make new paths. He had worked hard in his psychotherapy understanding where, as he said, he had been traumatized by a narcissistic mother and how he was coping with that now and how he was building in safety behaviors in order not to lose it again. This means that each of us were in our own psychotherapies. He said that he loved me. I told him that after looking ,in my therapy, at where my jealousy started and getting that straight with myself the issue was nothing in our relationship where it had been a major problem. I relaxed, knowing that for the first time in my life I could trust a man ie he had never in 11 years cheated on me. He was "honored" by my trust, took it seriously and was also relieved that it was out of our lives. We were each and both happier in our lives and were tentative about declaring ourselves publicly as a couple again but both agreed that we were working toward it.

Four weeks ago on Wed we were planning our weekend when he said that he wanted to talk about our relationship because "it's getting awkward". I thought it was because he was being invited to parties (he's usually the outside man in our relationship and I the inside man) and he was trying to decide or wanted to talk about were we going to start to show up together. We set that Friday to have our talk. Sat. we were going to view the Patriots game on tv.but he said that he had a party to go to/ an annual party of a social group that he belongs to and who I participate with usually. Since a particular gossipy wife was going to be there he thought he didn't want to go because he didnt' want X "to know my personal life". Given I know X and agree with who she is and how tentative we still were I agreed. We decided definitely to see the Pat's game on Sat.

On Fri for our talk he started the talk with the old theme ie "I feel betrayed" (from when I called the police because he got physical with me 4 years ago). I listened calmly, I can't really remember the details but I guess I helped him to calm about that. Then he went to the other sore topic that of a couples' therapy that we had and which we always had disagreed. I replied that "that was a traumatic experience for me and I'm not talking re it anymore". He was satisfied with that. This was also my chance to tell him my plans for myself when we broke up last year. The plans involved leaving this area but that I didn't know how to explore that option yet still see how it goes with him so I wanted him help in thinking this through. He was surprised to hear the plans but replied, "Please don't buy the plane tickets yet". He was surprised that it was "a good talk", was pleased with it. All good.

The following week we were looking at sailboats to buy on line just to have fodder to talk about our ideas of what we might want to buy and why. This is for our dream of long distance cruising. Later on the phone I told him that I felt bad that I couldn't buy the boat myself but could when I sell my house I can come up with half the cost and expect he will come up w the other half. He replied he didn't have X$ I said then where are you going to get it. He said he's just have to work more. We talked about how to get a cheaper boat and what to do to bring it up to par. We shared ideas and why No problem (I thought)

The following Sunday we were having breakfast when I asked what he thought about our getting together not just on the weekends but also a couple of times during the week depending on our schedules. Initially he was fine with it and was happy. But when I said it really made me happy because it meant that we were going forward he balked "I'm not sure I want to do it if you're putting all that meaning to it". I suggested that we talk re it later after another Pat's game that Sun night since we were staying together then anyway. The talk was awkward and when I said that he could lose me if he kept dragging feet he shrugged. I told him all that I wanted really was for him to say that he wants me to stay around so that we can still see how it goes. He replied that that's what he was trying to say. Well, okay...but it seemed weird to me. We agreed I'd go to his place in two days on a Tuesday.

After arriving on Tues and having dinner we agreed that we'd sit down with each of our schedules and coordinate what we're doing when so that other would know. This is usual with us and we've always found it helpful for each living our lives and staying in tune with the other one because we'd also anticipate fun events. We planned out til September. We then returned to finish our glasses of wine from dinner. He said that he was having lunch next Wed with JA. I said "oh, J that you work with?" He said no, this was J who Miss Gossip (of the party) told him to call because she was also a sailor. He said that Ms. Gossip had called him the previous week and that he had called JA to set the lunch. I was incredulous. I was so calm I couldn't even believe myself. I told him that is was a fix up, a date that Ms. Gossip had fixed him up with a friend of hers. He said "No it's just a meeting. I thought I'd have the meeting and then decide if I want to see her again". Again I was so calm yet direct I said that it's not a meeting; it's a date and he needs to cancel it. He asked "You mean I have to choose?" I told him yes and he had to choose quickly. He replied "If the lady thinks it's a date I'd have to let her know well in advance so I'll decide quickly". I was appalled! I told him that I was not staying there and after collecting my things I told him that I was very sad about what he had done to us. He had nothing to say.

In a follow up phone call he said that he'd wanted to have the talk re our relationship because "I couldn't just walk in and tell you I was breaking up so I had the talk thinking that it would go badly and I could break up with you. But it was a good talk" (meanwhile I'm not believing what I'm hearing. ie he baited me!) Remember, he agreed to see the Sat game with me, planned to breakup with me On Fri because I'd be a witch and then he's be free to go to the party and meet JA. Outrageous! He then said the last straw was when I told him that I expected him to pay for half our boat and that he was so frustrated he called and set the date. I reminded him that when we subsequently talked about how upset he was that he agreed that the issue was resolved. He still agreed. Although he had said that Ms. Gossip had called him the previous week with the name he then said that she had given him JA's name last fall "before we got together again" (which I don't believe). What I do believe is that Ms Gossip had indeed phoned him the prevous week wondering why he was not at the party because very likely that was where she was going to introduce JA and him . He didn't want to show up with me because he wanted to meet JA or at the least didn't want Ms. Gossip to know that he was two timing me and JA without even yet meeting her!

In calling for the date behind my back he's destroyed my trust in men all over again!! His response to this "I did it in frustration" ie blaming me.

Okay, so we all know that's how Narcissist's work. I was really suckered in but won't be again. Believe me. In my book you just plain don't hurt a person in their most vulnerable area ie trust; you don't bait the person who you say you love and you don't share their bed and tell them to stay when you have a date with someone else.

My question however is this (sorry this is so long winded but I wanted to give you a context). JA is very well connected to the sailing community in our area. She is knows all the right people, she belongs to two yacht clubs; one of her two sailboats is, objectively, one of the most beautiful boats that money can buy and she has the money and plenty more. I believe that the Narc has finally found a way not to devalue his partner and stay in a relationship and I am angry re this. I want your opinion. He always wants people to think well of him; he's handsome, intelligent, a renaissance man, and charming. Since she and he are part of this sailing community, he can't afford to devalue her: she's an expert sailor, a friend of Ms. Gossip who would give him hell and advertise his bad behavior, he doesn't want to look bad to the group, she also has money and can buy a boat for them; he has the skills to fix it. Do you think that he's finally found a way to be happy in a relationship?

Please don't tell me that none of my concern, I need to move on etc etc. I'd like an opinion about my question which in itself will help me move on.

Thank you

So Upset

[Tanzi]

Your post is quite difficult to read. Could you break it down into smaller paragraphs please and maybe add some more space between paragraphs? I'm sure you will get more help if it's easier to read.

[mhowe]

I think you are looking for a reason to figure out how he could break up with you. Neither Miss Gossip (his friend) nor J (the set up) have anything to do with it.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, to answer your question yes and no. Has he finally found someone to glom on to that will make him look good, give him a respectable reputation in the community and in his eyes be a good reflection on him. Sure. But that doesn't equate to normal happiness, that equates to he's found someone to use who will make him look good. And if that's what makes him happy then sure, he's happy.

 

However, and this is a big one, sooner or later she will show herself as simply human. And this will enrage him much the same as it did when he was with you. And then he'll become abusive, because once they are abusive unless they get therapy and admit they had a problem and were at fault over that they will always, always, always be an abuser. He may just hide it better, he may hurt her fatally even first time out to stop her from calling the cops, he may find other ways to abuse her and not be so overt about it, but will he abuse her--that's a guarantee.

 

And given that he blames you for calling the cops on him over physical abuse instead of owning the fact that he is the one who got violent and he is the one who directly caused that then I'm guessing chances are better than not that sooner or later he'll haul off and hit her or otherwise abuse her too. It may just take a while and he'll probably be better at hiding it, which is actually terrifying if you stop and think about it.

 

I'm sorry, but you need to get yourself into therapy to find out why you would choose to stay with someone who was physically abusive, why you had to change yourself in order to keep him around, and why you stayed with someone who turned his abusive nature around to be your fault.

 

All abusers choose to abuse others, they aren't "forced" to do anything. If he found having the cops called on him for abuse then perhaps he should have learned not to be abusive. And he made that choice, not you.

 

You have dodged a bullet and shed your burden. Hers is unfortunately just beginning.

[ParisPaulette]

It's also kind of apparent to me that he was hoping you'd pony up all the money for the boat. And when you didn't he went looking elsewhere for someone who he hopes will give him that boat for free, i.e. Ms. Sailor.

 

This is typical of people who get something into their heads about wanting a thing without having to pay for it, they just want it. And they are not shy about stepping on whoever to get it. You gave him a second chance, he proved he hasn't taken any responsibility for his abusive behaviors and he's off chasing the next woman who he believes will buy or provide for him, so he doesn't have to. Seriously, not all men are like that, just the con artist ones.

 

Be glad he showed you his true colors (again) and that this time you walked. And stay gone when he inevitably comes crawling back after she catches on to his ways or he lifts his hand to her.

[mg22]

Are you sure hes a Narcissist? Maybe you pushed him to much, arranging dates, maybe you smothered him too much. I think he wanted out and you didn't see it, you kept pushing his buttons, so he got fed up and decided to purse Miss J. Walk away too much drama here.

[So Upset]

I neither arranged the dates not smothered him. To the contrary I gave him his space to do what he wanted within the bounds of a monogamous relationship which I thought we were in. On the other hand I agree, "too much drama" and I have walked away

[So Upset]

I'm printing out your replies because they heal me. Again, you're a wise woman and I thank you!

[So Upset]

Thank you for the advice but when I tried to follow your suggestions I found that I was out of the 30min time period to edit. Thank you for your thoughtfulness