Father having an affair

[csdude55]

So, I learned something new today that kind of blew my mind. I don't have anyone in real life to share it with, so I'm going to rant and rave about it here.

 

I'm 39 years old, and grew up in a poor family where my parents absolutely hated one another. They always used that same, tired excuse everyone else seems to use: when the kids grow up and move out, then we'll get divorced.

 

Around 14 years ago, my dad finally got up the nerve to leave my mom. I was super proud of him for that! They were only separated for a few months, but I know that in that period my dad went on a few dates, and even had a girlfriend (slightly younger than me, in fact). They (allegedly) broke up, though, and my dad ended up crawling back to my mom on hand and knee... something I disagreed with STRONGLY, but it's his life, I guess. My mom said that he was crying and begging her to take him back, because he was so lonely and couldn't handle being alone.

 

So.

 

Today, I had a message from a woman I didn't know. She said that she was friends with my dad and was trying to contact him, and asked if I'd pass her number along to him. That was pretty unusual, so I sent her my dad's FB page (which he shares with my mom), and asked if it was an emergency.

 

She replied with an explanation, but in the middle of it stated that she and my dad had been dating FOR 10 YEARS!!!!!

 

Now, I'm guessing that this is the same one that, to my knowledge, he had dated for a few weeks 14 years ago. I knew her first name, and that matches, and her FB page shows her to be around my age, so the variables match up.

 

She didn't make it clear as to whether they were together for 10 years before he and my mom separated, or 10 years after. I have to assume that it was afterward, though; otherwise, they would have started dating when she was around 15.

 

But that means that he went back to my mom, became a deacon at his church, and by all appearances was trying to make it work... all while having an affair? That's a hard pill for me to swallow.

 

Don't get me wrong, I literally begged this man to leave my mom! But there's a HUGE difference in leaving and having an affair! If he had stayed separated from my mom, I would have his back all day for dating someone else. But going back to my mom, and then having an affair? I don't know if that's forgivable.

 

I'm clearly not going to say anything to my parents about this, though. My mom has severe COPD and has maybe a year to live, so she doesn't need the stress. And apparently the affair is over, so there's nothing to be gained by bringing it back up, anyway. So I guess that I'm just venting about this. It's made me lose a lot of respect for my dad, and really affects how I see my own life and relationships.

[Willywagtail]

What a horrible thing to find out!

 

I can really understand how you'd be looking at your father differently. Particularly since he's a deacon! It's hard to trust a persons overall integrity when they behave so hypocritically.

 

One thing - this doesn't need to change your view of yourself or relationships in general. You are not your father, and there are heaps of men that have integrity and behave with honour in relationships.

 

You're just in shock now, and it's more profound because it's your father.

[Lester]

Your plan sounds good.

 

btw,

The forgive game:

- Good when you do it.

- Bad when you think others need it.

[bulletproof]

That's a hard pill for me to swallow.

 

But going back to my mom, and then having an affair? I don't know if that's forgivable.

 

It's made me lose a lot of respect for my dad, and really affects how I see my own life and relationships.

 

It's really not a pill you have to swallow or not swallow. It's not your life. I understand it's upsetting, but you really have no idea what your dad was feeling, thinking, etc., unless you walked in his shoes. I'm not saying you have to agree with what he did or think it was right, but you have the choice to realize that it's not for you to judge. It doesn't have to affect your life and relationships one bit. In fact, it can make them better if you make the choice to live your life differently than your parents did.

[redswim30]

It's really not a pill you have to swallow or not swallow. It's not your life. I understand it's upsetting, but you really have no idea what your dad was feeling, thinking, etc., unless you walked in his shoes. I'm not saying you have to agree with what he did or think it was right, but you have the choice to realize that it's not for you to judge. It doesn't have to affect your life and relationships one bit. In fact, it can make them better if you make the choice to live your life differently than your parents did.

 

I agree, you aren't your parents. When we are children we often romanticize our parents and their marriage. Often as adults, we come to discover that- shocker of shockers- our parents are imperfect people with an imperfect relationship.

 

I understand your disappointment, but their decisions are theirs alone. If I recall correctly, you said you are 39? You are old enough to live your own life and make your own decisions without this having much of an effect on you unless you choose to let it.

 

Most marriages aren't perfect, many couples have secrets they keep from their kids, and especially from public view. For whatever reason, they chose to stay together, so you have to accept that.

 

It might not be the choice you will make, but you do not live in their shoes.

 

Affairs are a touchy subject, and something that people like to immediately condemn others for. You don't know all that happened behind closed doors. A lot of times people have affairs that never get found out, and they continue on with their lives as though nothing is wrong.

 

People are imperfect. There are MANY marriages that experience infidelity at some point. Remember, just because you don't hear about it, doesn't mean it hasn't happened. There may be several people you know who put on a public face, but you never know what has happened behind closed doors. Just remember, there is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect spouse.

 

For whatever reason, they have chosen to stay together. If your mother has forgiven him, there is no reason that you can't. I strongly suggest forgetting about it, and loving your Dad as his imperfect self.

Personally, I don't believe there is anything that is "unforgivable". I'd also challenge you to find one person on the planet that has never needed forgiveness for something.

I'd also be careful about categorizing what is or isn't worthy of forgiveness. I'm betting that you are not perfect. You may make a decision (or mistake) one day that not everyone understands. How would you wish to be treated?

 

If you must think about this, think about how you want to be and what you can learn from this.