"What women want".... I'm confused!

[troutboy]

What do I do!... I broke up with my girlfriend about a week ago, she said I was smothering her, stressing her out and she didn't feel the same way about me as I did her... but she still loved me?.... Anyway I haven't contacted her in about 4 days, but tonight had a few drinks and ended up at her place as she was pulling up in her car (I know, I know)! Anyway we sat and talked a bit, she still seemed adamant we should and could still be friends, but she missed me as I did her and I looked beautiful? and I told her I missed her too. Anyway we kissed a bit - long kisses on the lips, I walked her up to her place, we had a long really tight hug and another short kiss and that was it.....

 

What does this mean, I have never given her this much space before... could it have worked, or am I reading into this too much? Maybe she is confused... and WHAT DO I DO NOW!.... Do I give her more space and take each day as it comes, i.e little contact. I really miss her and don't want to stuff this up as I see it as a break through, but she didn't exactly say she wanted to get back together either!... afterall you don't go kissing the guy you want to be friends with do you... do you? Please some advice!

[mazurka]

Hey,

 

You dont say how long your relationship was for.

 

If she says you are smothering her and stressing her out its usually "womanese" for "I am not sure about our relationship right now and need time and space to evaluaute wether I want to be romantically involved with you"

 

I would back off totally and let her be. No contact may resolve the situation faster as you will be able to see how she reacts which will give you all the answers you need.

 

My advice in this situation is, do not listen to what she is saying to you but look at how she is acting. She has made her intentions pretty clear,

 

Based on what you wrote here she is not sure, or she does not want to be totally honest about how she feels for fear of hurting you even further. Any which way back off and try to get some perspective on this yourself.

 

If she want to come back to you she will, otherwise let her be, popping up everywhere she is is not going to help her or you. Give her the time and space to decide what she wants, however things turn out she will have more resepect for you this way.

 

Probably the absolute oppisite of what you wanted to hear but my 5 c worth.

[detox5]

I think you did good maz, its the advice I should of followed when my ex told me i was smoothing her, and i push her away by chasing her more, so dude listen to maz.

[GettingOverIt]

I agree with detox, Maz hit the nail on the head... Had I heard this advice before, then I would have known what to do and what NOT to do when my ex told me I was smothering her....

[Raptor]

yeah listen to him. THat doesn't mean you can't talk to her just not nearly as much. When my gf told me she needed "space" I paniced and drove her farther away. LAy off asking her to do things for a while and keep the convos short.

[jasminebose]

Girl's perspective- sounds like she is confused over what she wants but still has feelings for you. I think you should play it cool, give her spcae and hopefully she will miss you too and come looking for you. Don't act desperate, even if you feel it, it will only put more pressure on her and push her further away.

JZ

[lady00]

If anything is going to happen, you should let her take the lead. That way she won't feel smothered. If she wants to get back together now or later she will contact you. You should try to just relax and stay aloof.

[gersanos]

Totally just back off. I too, like a few other male posters mentioned, began to chase once she started to pull away. Little while after that, she was gone. We both smothered each other but it hit her first, and eventhough I did feel smothered somewhat, my natural reaction was to panic and chase when I saw her detach and hint at space (give me time to miss you, etc.). Well, chasing only made things worse, brought on fights, resentment was building up, and it all ended, and not a word since.

 

Chances are that she still has feelings for you, but, needs some time away from you. I know this is hard to take in, as well as follow through on, but you must distance yourself from her. You wanting to patch things up and all will come accross as pressuring her, or as my ex called it "forcing it." Let her have some time to think, some time to miss you, and figure out exactly what she wants. Above all, as was mentioned, don't come accross as desperate. It will drive her away even more. No guilt trips either.

 

This all sounds very contradictory as it surely must be painful for you, but you have to seem aloof and confident right now and let her come to you.

[shockeddismayed]

Troutboy,

 

Great advice from all.... listen to it.

 

Just one last tidbit, gleaned from months of being at this board.

 

IT ALMOST ALWAYS HAPPENS THIS WAY!

 

At this early stage, the girls who eventually come back, AND those that do not, ALMOST always give totally mixed messages.... ESPECIALLY when YOU contact THEM.

 

In this case, you put her on the spot. Because she is still confused, there was nothing she COULD do, except show you both sides of the confusion. In your case, you got words that said we're friends, but actions that said you might be more. It could also be the reverse... words that say there is a serious chance to get back together, but actions that say she isn't ready for that.

 

You need to back off for a while.... LET HER ACTIONS AND WORDS BEGIN TO AGREE WITH EACH OTHER..... otherwise you risk getting strung along....

 

And the tricky part is, that the more you try to encourage her, the more you will reinforce her confusion.

 

SOMETHING caused her to break up with you.... the only thing you can do is to allow her to focus on that thing, come to terms with it, and hopefully, she'll realize that she was being rediculous. Once she does that, her actions and words will be more clear... she'll start taking the initiative, and the reconcilition process will have begun.

 

She needs to get that far on her own.

 

It's a long process, so don't look for a quick fix... we're usually talking months, not days... So focus on YOUR OWN RECOVERY. This process is not guaranteed to lead to happiness with HER (although it could)... but if you back off and focus on YOU... it WILL lead to happiness.

 

Definitely, definitely NO MORE showing up with a few drinks... no phonecalls with a few drinks either. In fact, if you feel too focussed on her when you drink, exercise instead. Ultimately it will help you and give you mental strength for the journey ahead.

 

Heal yourself first. Then see what happens.

[shockeddismayed]

PS: It can be a good sign that she is confused.... but remind yourself you don't want a confused partner. You want one who is happy and secure in your relationship.

 

She'll NEVER be that way unless she feels SHE CHOSE to come back. If you guilt her, charm her, manipulate her, smother her, convince her, or otherwise try and influence her... she will always feel as though it was your certainty/belief in the relationship, and her weakness that she couldn't stand up for her gut feeling, that caused you to get back together.

 

Give her time to realize her gut feeling was temporarily wrong.

[troutboy]

Thanks everyone for your advice, yes I agree - just pretty hard putting it into practice - I have heaps on in my life outside of this at the moment which is good for keeping me busy. All valuable information - in a way I have no regrets seeing her and liked the response I got - but agree I have to backoff for a while now.

 

Thanks

[PrincessLinzay]

I agree with SD. Great post by the way!

[ashik]

women r always confused, u;l never knw wut they want. the best thing to do it leave them alone to let them figure things out fo themselves.