Confusing Situation...Need Some Advice

[can1328]

So I'm back here after a few months. I finally was able to get over the break up of my SO of 5 years. NC was really the best way to go. It helped me heal and think about myself. It's been a total of 5 months since the break up. Here's the updates on what is going on:

 

In the past month, we have begun to talk again. We progressed into hanging out a bit more and discussing everything in detail. It felt different hanging out because there was no panic feeling anymore. I could meet and talk without feeling sad or anxious or desperate. As the days went on she kept on seeking me out. We talked some more about everything. We talked about what what went wrong in our relationships and the big things that caused us to break up.. (her to leave and move out.) The main issues were 1) Her drinking. She has made many strides to fix this. She went to speak with someone who made her realize that it was affecting her relationship with people. She has toned down very much and has really shown that she wants to live a healthy lifestyle for herself. 2) Not consulting with me when she makes plans - she has completely done a 180 on this. She's asked me on many occasions that she was thinking of inviting another couple to dinner or coffee with us but was asking me before she asked them. This was something she told me that she realized was unfair to me in our relationship and is doing her best to fix. She said it has also put her in a bad situation at times with friends.

 

My issues have been mentioned in other posts. I've fixed them myself and have been successful in not being so dependent on her. I've gotten some independence and started new hobbies. My focus on my job has shifted to realize that work is not as important as your family/Sig. other. I've learned to not stress about work and things that I cannot control. I feel much better about that and feel like I'm living a much healthier lifestyle mentally and physically.

 

A few big issues

1. She had a rebound that she hung out with a few months after the breakup. She hasn't seen or been in contact with him since Thanksgiving. She realized that it was a rebound and she was very wrong in what she did and how she went about that. She's been upfront with this and with everything that happened between them. She says they never had sex bc she is not that type of girl. She didn't love him so she wasn't going to just do that. She does admit to "hooking up" but never progressed to anything more than that. She cut contact with him when she realized that it didn't feel right and started thinking about me more.

 

2. She got a job offer 2 hours away and she is going to take it. It's an incredible offer that she's been waiting for at a prestigious hospital. This obviously requires her to move 2 hours away.

 

As of right now we are spending a lot of time together. She has told me that hanging out with me right now feels so different. She said she gets the feelings she did when we first met. I feel the same way with her. We are having a lot of fun and doing fun activities together. We are even planning a long weekend away for Valentines Day. We both want to work to eventually get back together and make the long distance work and re-evaluate our situation as she is in that position for 6 months to a year.

 

My questions are simple:

Can this long distance thing work? We've gone from living together to breaking up to now being 2 hours away from each other. It's backwards. We are both 28 and some of our couple friends are married and expecting a child already. I'm ready for that myself but feel that this is going to cause us to not be in that position for some time. I cannot move from my area since I have a career here. It would be tough for me to leave and start over since I have a great position here. So we're stuck. I also wonder if the break up was too messy to get back from. Do people get back together after tough break ups when they realize they made a mistake? We both seem to have found each other and found out that we really are in love. I guess I'm wondering if this seems like it could be successful.

[mhowe]

It would seem that you have both grown and learned and are enjoying the nostalgia of the beginning of your relationship. However...life has stepped in and made this geographically undesirable. In addition... There is the rebound and her drinking (which is under control now...bit certainly wasn't for months).

 

While 2 hrs isn't insurmountable... It isn't easy either.

 

I would enjoy your swan song and let her move take care of the need to say good bye.

[Betteralready]

I think that 2 hours is almost a perfect situation- it's close enough that it doesn't economically hinder you from seeing each other, but far enough that both parties' commitment to reconciliation is tested.

 

Is it possible? YES. There are long-distance marriages. A 2-hour drive is easy to make every weekend.

 

The success of the situation will depend on how each party handles it. If one person is always complaining about the situation, or behaving insecurely, then it will fail. If both people go into it with a positive attitude, it will be fine.

 

You could try to look at it as a transition period, instead of rushing back into a full-time relationship, you can continue to get to know each other again from a safe space.

 

The rebound situation will only affect your progress if you let it.

The drinking is a forever issue- she will always have to be on-guard to control herself. She might relapse a few times. Just take that as it comes, and if it becomes unmanageable again, you might have to permanently walk away.

Too soon to tell!

 

Good luck