This is WAY over my head at this point... Need help please

[tango9]

The story is very complicated and went over a long period of time (1 and a half years already) so I will try to summarize as much as possible, and without going in too much details:

- met this girl randomly (or that's how it looked like) one day while hanging out with a friend - she lives in the next apartment building after his;

- > i started hanging out alone with her, we got along amazingly and it was obvious there's something going on - she told me that she had known me by sight for some time - I didn't;

- few days later i found out from her fb that she was involved with some guy;

- as we spent more time together (at this point I was doing it half out of from curiosity and half because I really enjoyed her company) I gathered that their relationship was a casual and rebound one (that's from what she told me), and I assumed it was pretty much on the rocks, judging from the fact that he was soon going away for around one month on some kind of vacation, without taking her with him, and that she was spending enormous amounts of time with me instead of him;

- the tension between me and her built up to the point where one evening we started making out like crazy - with her initiating;

- 2 days later, same story - we got to a secluded place in a park and made out a lot - things were heading really fast to sex, until we had to stop because of some dudes passing nearby, at which point she decided we better head home (accepting this was probably the biggest f**k up on my part, but I was sure we would get back to it soon);

- the next day it seemed to me she started having second thoughts, she went no contact for about a day, then the next day I asked her to meet me, and while walking around together she broke down and started crying, saying she likes me, but she can't leave her current bf, we met at the wrong moment, maybe we could remain friends, bla bla bla;

- after this, we continued to hang out together almost daily; about 2 weeks later her bf came back to city, but this didn't seem to have any big effect on how things were going;

- we still met and went out often; a few days later I moved in with rent (I was staying with a relative before) and on the first day she came home with me to help cleaning the new place.. When we were done we spent a very tense half hour on a bed, obviously with me on the point of jumping on her; eventually I didn't try anything because at this point I didn't know what the hell to think anymore;

- the following months I still saw clues that she wanted something to happen between us (example, one evening she calls me when coming out from the gym to nicely ask me for a ride, as it was winter and cold as s**t outside - I ask her if she wants to stay and hang around a bit, at which point she accuses me semi-jokingly that I want to take her to a specific place that is known around town as "the go to place" for people who want to do it - especially in the car; I put up a serious face and say, "You know what, that's exactly what I want to do"; to my surprise she doesn't object anything (I was expecting something along the lines of "heey I was just kidding calm down"), we end up at the spot, spend 2 hours there, but nothing happens - she didn't do anything to show some kind of "green light", and I was too much of a wuss to try anything; - this was exactly 1 year ago;

- eventually things started to take a bad turn, we stopped meeting that much, she started flaking on me when I asked her to go out with me, and it finally fell apart last august, when at the same time she got a 2 week vacation from work, and her parents started renovating their place, so she had to go live at her bfs' (which is pretty much at the other end of the city) for the time - lasting until start of october; during this time we talked like 2 or 3 times (she asked me how was I doing, stuff like that), and I didn't really develop the conversations as I was feeling let down and angry towards her for the fact that she didn't say anything for weeks (and also because I was just sick and tired of knowing that she's with this bf of hers), and was considering actually cutting contact for good;

- latest developments: 3 days ago, after a period of almost 3 weeks of no contact, I contact her, she asks me how am I doing and I tell her I just came back home. She replied "oh.. And I was thinking you were going to take me out." I told her that I would, if she's up for it. Eventually she said "nevermind, my mom has some stuff for me to do", and suggested we could go next day after her gym, if she was not too tired. Next evening, I ask her around the same time if she arrived home, at which point she tells me she is at a girl friend of hers that came and picked her up. After more chit chat, at some point she tells me she had a dream about me a few nights ago, in which I had a girlfriend, and my gf didn't let me see her anymore. She added, "but we don't see each other now too often either, so you have my permission to get a gf *laughs*". I asked her how come she was so sure I didn't have one already. She replied,"Really? Good. Well, because you were not with her the other night, and tonight either" (yea, I know, like that had any relevance to it, lol). After that she asked me "is she pretty?.. but I guess she wouldn't be your gf if she wasn't". Eventually I told her that her dream was nonsense, and suggested to her I am still single.

 

Question is, what am I supposed to make of it, and what to do? I really like the girl, and I am not prepared to accept that this is not going anywhere, after all that has happened. The fact that due to a lame social circle and spending almost the whole day at work I don't have any other options - even just for dating to fill my time and take my mind off it - at this moment doesn't help either.

Edit: Just in case it's somehow relevant to the story, I'm turning 25 in a few days, and she's 28.

[Scoe141]

Hey Tango-

 

Sounds like you're in a pickle. Unfortunately I don't think this one has a happy ending for you. I went ahead and pulled a "teacher grading a paper" and highlighted things that stood out as red flags. The more the red, the more you should have fled.

 

 

 

OK, lets start with the basics. Clearly she is using you. For whatever reason. Either her boyfriend isn't providing what she wants. ( Whatever it may be.) Or she is selfish, self-centered, controlling, possessive and insecure. She wants things from you, on her terms. And is trying to make excuses for her relationship. It sounded like she was downplaying her relationship. Then later on she went on to ask if your "girlfriend" is pretty? And that you have her permission. I know she was "joking", but you need to look at the totality of the events that transpired.

 

Look Tango, the bottom line here is you need to drop this girl. Yesterday. She's not worth your time and the headache. Not to mention she's taken and the way this relationship started off, spells doom if you two were to actually develop into a couple. Some questions you need to ask yourself.

 

Could you ever trust her?

Would you ever feel 100% secure in a legitimate relationship with her?

Would you ever be worried she would be doing the same thing to you?

 

I know others will chime in as well. Until then, I hope this helps.

 

Good luck.

[tango9]

Damn.. Doesn't sound too good. At all.

To be honest, each and every one of these things you said did pass my mind at some point or another.. That's exactly why I considered, repeatedly, to cut all contact with her and basically delete her from my life (which I actually did for some periods of time until, usually, she started contacting me again; or I started having second thoughts, telling myself "what if she was just waiting for me to do something, what if she actually still cares for me, what if, what if"). Except the first few weeks of our interaction, to which I always look back with pleasure, everything after that was hazy and filled with anguish, frustration and pain. I just kept going, hoping that maybe things will change, and go back to the way they were at first. It's soul rending to think that this is how it will end, and I have no idea how I'm going to accept that. I will always have that little voice in the back of my head, asking "what if". The way I see it right now, I am pretty much between a rock and a hard place, with no exit in sight.

 

Thanks for the input, really appreciate it.

[mhowe]

anguish, frustration and pain. I just kept going, hoping that maybe things will change

 

Hope doesn't make things change. Actions make things change.

 

What action was taken by either of you to change things?

[Scoe141]

No worries man. We've all been there. Often times we get tunnel vision and can't see what's beyond our own scope of reality. That's why it's absolutely critical when faced with a dilemma like this to reach out to others, and allow them to get a fresh pair of eyes on it.

 

You know that little voice in the back of your head? Listen to it. Always trust your instincts. Especially in this case. I'm willing to bet it will trump any words that come out of that girls mouth.

 

I understand how you could feel there is no exit in sight. The next time this girl calls you or texts tell her you need talk. When you finally talk to her tell her that you can no longer talk to her. Period. Tell her she needs to respect that and your space. Then delete erase, repeat.

 

You'll get through this. You did it once before. This time should be easier.

 

We're here for ya.

[tango9]

anguish, frustration and pain. I just kept going, hoping that maybe things will change

 

Hope doesn't make things change. Actions make things change.

 

What action was taken by either of you to change things?

 

Well, I was just describing the way it was from MY point of view. Can't talk in her name. If I knew what was going on in her head, I probably wouldn't have been here to start this thread, would I

 

What you said is true, but speaking for myself, you asked a very hard question. I am not sure what exactly I could have done to change things. Tell her I like her and I can't stand to see her with that guy? Because to tell the truth that's how I feel. How would that have changed things for the better? Chances are probably 99% I would have just set myself up for another "I am sorry but I can't leave him, let's just be friends" failure. That is definitely not better.

What else? Every time I made my mind up to ask her out, man up and do what I always wanted to do - kiss her and all the rest - to show her how I really feel, she just gave me some more or less bulls**t reason as to why she can't meet me. This made me frustrated, I gave up for a while, and so on. Besides, I don't really buy it that she didn't know how I feel about her the entire time.

What else could I have done? I really don't see it, sorry.

[mhowe]

If she doesn't want to change her status quo with this guy, there is nothing you can do.

 

It doesn't matter if YOU think the reasons are BS.....she hasn't given you the green light.

 

Time to accept this isn't going to happen.

[SoulTaker]

It's very simple, and to the point. If she's in a relationship (exclusive), then you back off and tell her to contact you if she becomes available. It doesn't matter if the relationship is solid, or on rocky grounds.

 

Either she's "available", or she isn't. There's no in between. If you deal with craziness, then it'll rub off on you, and you'll be crazy.

 

 

 

That's "craziness" talking (full of lust). What do you like about her (looks)? It can't be her character, because she has none.