How 7+ years just ended

[towardfuture]

If getting back together is what you want I wouldn't do NC forever. Keep tabs on each other, but do live for yourself right now. She needs to see evidence of evolution and there's no way for that to happen if you sever all touch.

 

That said, take whatever time you need to recalibrate and feel like a human being again. I wish you all the very best as you navigate through this difficult time.

 

HamHam

 

I mean, I'm NC but it's not like it matters. She's NC like...... way more. I can't keep tabs on her. She deleted her FB, moved and didn't tell me where, forwarded all her mail. Has ignored any text or email I sent her up until I went NC a month after the breakup. I wish I could get lunch with her and she could see the new improved me. Everyone says wait for her to contact me. And if she's with someone new -- don't know for sure but strongly suspect -- to not inject myself into that situation at all.

 

edit: That said, I'm not sure I want to reconcile any more. I love her -- but do I trust her? Even if she didn't have an exit affair, she lied to me about loving me for months. Can I trust her to not leave again? And if she doesn't love me or respect me, how can I take her back? This thing might be just too complicated to save, love or not.

[HamHam]

It sounds to me that she pulled a Houdini act and that's that. I'm really sorry that after so long together she didn't even care for you enough to have a transparent breakup. Best that you take the time to get reacquainted with yourself and leave whatever the future holds to the future. I'll never be one to say that reconciliations/groveling exes are impossible, but use that fact for comfort that anything can happen while moving forward with your own life.

 

Most importantly, be gentle and patient with yourself. This is a painful time and heartache can make us do/think/believe all sorts of wonky things. Don't worry about that at all; it's all just part of the process.

[towardfuture]

It sounds to me that she pulled a Houdini act and that's that. I'm really sorry that after so long together she didn't even care for you enough to have a transparent breakup. Best that you take the time to get reacquainted with yourself and leave whatever the future holds to the future. I'll never be one to say that reconciliations/groveling exes are impossible, but use that fact for comfort that anything can happen while moving forward with your own life.

 

Most importantly, be gentle and patient with yourself. This is a painful time and heartache can make us do/think/believe all sorts of wonky things. Don't worry about that at all; it's all just part of the process.

 

Yeah, it's a bit of a houdini act. She broke up with me in person though, then did all that. But I have absolutely no idea what has gone on in her life since DDay whatsoever and she ignored all the texts and emails I sent the first month. I feel like the key reasons for the breakup were a) she turned 30 and got into super serious marriage mode, all her friends were getting married / having kids, and I'm 3 years younger than her and wasn't there yet and b) I was in a lost adult-boy stage after grad school of being depressed and not knowing what to do, neglecting her and focusing on my own business. She said she didn't see a future with me.

 

I wish she could see my changes. I'm almost a completely different person than I was a few months ago.

[HamHam]

Yeah, it's a bit of a houdini act. She broke up with me in person though, then did all that. But I have absolutely no idea what has gone on in her life since DDay whatsoever and she ignored all the texts and emails I sent the first month. I feel like the key reasons for the breakup were a) she turned 30 and got into super serious marriage mode, all her friends were getting married / having kids, and I'm 3 years younger than her and wasn't there yet and b) I was in a lost adult-boy stage after grad school of being depressed and not knowing what to do, neglecting her and focusing on my own business. She said she didn't see a future with me.

 

I wish she could see my changes. I'm almost a completely different person than I was a few months ago.

 

 

Towardfuture,

 

One of the most prevalent yet misguided reasons for breakups strikes again: the inability to separate one's own problems from the relationship. At age 30 I can hardly imagine her finding anyone to marry in a moment's notice, and if she does then I foresee a bad ending.

 

You certainly have done your fair share to contribute to the breakup, and I can completely understand the guilt you're experiencing right now. But as I've repeated before, find it in you to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes. You're only human and as such you will fail from time to time. I truly know how much this hurts, but try to focus the energy of your pain on bettering yourself for the future. Get to a point where it wouldn't matter if she came back and you'll be pleasantly surprised with the possibilities life holds. Most importantly, be patient with yourself as you learn to navigate through this difficult stretch of life.

 

You should also stop contacting her. Show her that you respect her choices by staying away for a while. Let her wrap her head around what happened - I guarantee she's hurting too.

 

Best of wishes to you as you make this journey. I completely understand how hard it is, but if you're still alive then it'll only make you stronger.

[HamHam]

Writing out my thoughts at the beginning of the breakup has been profoundly helpful in keeping track of my progress. Now that my ex voiced a complete change of heart about his feelings, things got a bit more complicated (mind you I always suspected his life circumstance had a lot more to do with this breakup than his feelings about me). I refused to take him back because I need to find my independence and evolve into the person I always wanted to be. I would have never been able to realize how badly I need to mature without his breaking my heart. So yes, I am thankful for this gift he unknowingly gave me and I do not intend to squander it.

 

When I was healing from the first onset of agony I learned to focus all the negative energy swirling inside me into positive action: learning to reconnect with myself, exercising, changing unwanted behavior, dreaming of the future, maturing, etc. Now that he effectively came back the pain drastically reduced. I'm sure all of you would think this a favorable development, but it isn't so. I wanted to harness the power of my emotions into action, but now I find that I have to do it all with virtually willpower alone. This makes it so much harder for me to move forward, but I won't give up on myself. Ironically, I now know that in order to have the relationship we were meant to have, both my ex and I have to move on. I love this man more than anything on earth and would kill for a chance to do things right, but for that I have to have a relationship with me first.

 

Here's to moving forward and conquering the beast!

[AintEasy]

If getting back together is what you want I wouldn't do NC forever. Keep tabs on each other, but do live for yourself right now. She needs to see evidence of evolution and there's no way for that to happen if you sever all touch.

 

That said, take whatever time you need to recalibrate and feel like a human being again. I wish you all the very best as you navigate through this difficult time.

 

HamHam

 

I'm interested in your take on things so I'd like to hear your input if you don't mind. My ex and I are in a very similar situation to yours it sounds like. But we have close friends. I'm sure she is keeping tabs on me through them. She has tried to initiate seeing me by getting our friends to get me to join their hang outs twice in the past two weeks. She still likes my instagram photos (I unfollowed her), she still likes my stuff on facebook (I unfollowed her) and she still watches all of my snapchats (I don't watch hers). She broke up with me yet acts like I broke up with her. Talks about how hard it is to move on, talks about how she will always love me, talks about how she just needs to find her own way, blah blah blah, yet and still, no direct contact from her in over 4 weeks. She is but isn't dating(?) this coworker of her's right now that is an absolute loser from what I hear. 6 years older than us and still working a dead end job. My friend told me the guy only provides a reflection of how amazing I was. Yet still no direct contact. I refuse to message her or see her as I really, really, really need this time to build a relationship with myself, just as you have said. I lost myself in the relationship and want to figure out who I am, but honestly, I'm worried if I keep doing what I can to not see her, she will think I'm gone forever. Should I worry about this? In March we are going to Vegas for the weekend for a mutual friends birthday. My plan is for it to be the first time I see or interact with her in 3 1/2 months. How do you feel about that? Should she see a gradual evolution of myself, or just all in her face at once (as I do my best to grow each and every day)?

[HamHam]

AintEasy,

 

I appreciate you reaching out to me with your story. In my book, part of healing and moving forward is to help others along the way to recovery. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that for you.

 

The answer to your question depends on whether in your heart of hearts you'd want to have a future with this woman. If the answer is yes I wouldn't blow her off or deliberately avoid contact. Let her know that you need your time and space to heal, and that you'd appreciate her understanding. It doesn't mean that you intend to keep her at arm's length forever, but you're just not ready to have her back in your life. If she's a mature human being she should respect and understand your position. This would show her that you still care for her feelings while making it clear that you need only you right now. If you're both on the same page I don't really see the difference between seeing her in a week or in a few months (except, of course, that change is more evident after some time of not seeing each other. It's all about contrast).

 

The way I see it, wanting independence is a perfectly good reason to end a relationship (and one that will give you a fighting chance later in life should you choose to resume your relations). It usually means that the exiting party is unhappy with him/herself, a state independent from the S.O. So whatever you do, don't give up on the person you fell in love with. That doesn't mean that you stop living and wait until she returns, but I don't think keeping hope alive on some level is such a bad idea in this case. Realize that your happiness depends ONLY on you and move forward with whatever you need to do to get back to center. Only then can you even consider reconciliation.

 

Hang in there and keep working on yourself! You're the only person you can possibly be responsible for.

 

HamHam

[AintEasy]

Hang in there and keep working on yourself! You're the only person you can possibly be responsible for.

 

HamHam

 

Truth be told, yes I do. I had every intention to marry this girl, despite her being my first love. I didn't care how massive the world is, I believed I was one of the blessed few who had already found it. I dated multiple women before her and it was nothing in comparison. The issue is, I'm not blowing her off or deliberately avoiding contact. She has not directly reached out to me in any shape or form. The way I see it, that is enough for me to know that I am doing the right thing by focusing on myself at the moment. Wouldn't you agree? I mean to be honest with you, a month after we broke up, we met up and talked and she made it clear she stood by her decision so I told her I'll respect that and give you your space. She knows how much I love her, she knows I want another chance, so she knows where I stand. I just don't understand why she would tell me she needs time and space, only to cryptically try to see me a few weeks later.

 

Regardless, thank you very much for your insight. I too have found it beneficial to help others. I have all the confidence and hope in the world that one day her and I will end up back together, but I do not intend to stop my life for that chance. I only hope she can the same as yours has..

[HamHam]

AintEasy,

 

I think I can understand her inconsistent behavior. She loves you and a big part of her needs you in her life. A larger part, however, needs to find out who she is and how she fits into the world. Based on that I'll guess she's in her mid 20s?

 

If so, this is a very common time to soul search. Had my ex not pulled the plug on the relationship I wouldn't have realized how badly I need to grow up. I will always love him and I still wish to spend the rest of my life with him (once we make the requisite changes that is), but I too stand firmly by my decision to see the breakup through. You see, love and hope for a future together aren't incompatible with a breakup when one is needed to evolve one or both parties. I wouldn't be surprised if she loves you all the same and unconsciously harbors the same desires as you.

 

Please go easy on her as she navigates through this very difficult stretch of life. She doesn't have all the answers and naturally her behavior reflects an ongoing change in her world views. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You must move forward but only at a pace at which you feel most comfortable. Emotional messes are a necessary part in your evolution, so be very forgiving of any mistakes you will make along the way.

 

I'm glad I could be of use! Remember that taking charge of your future is the most liberating decision you'll ever make.

 

HamHam

[AintEasy]

Hamham,

 

You're spot on. She just turned 22 in October, and this is her first time out in the real world. (Moved out of parent's place, transferred to new university, started making more money than she knows what to do with). About a month ago she wrote on her blog that she doesn't know I know about, "If whatever happens, I did, I do, and I will always love you. I so desperately wanted it to be you, but I need to find my own way. It was just too much.. too soon."

 

I'm sure you can imagine how much that killed me. I suppose thanks to your input I should respect her strength and her commitment to her decision. When we talked and I asked to get back together she did in fact start tearing up and hid her face as to not cry. When she broke up with me she shoved her face into my chest and couldn't stop crying when I said goodbye. Her actions have just blurred my understanding of her, as she has been acting rather wild. Honestly, thank you so much for your input. I really do need to be a bit more understanding. This should help my future actions towards her tremendously. Maybe I will slowly start seeing her again, but only when I'm ready. I've come to realize that I myself need to figure out who I am.

 

You know one of the things I find most amazing is communicating with absolute strangers through nothing more than a wall of text on an obscure website. In real life, so few people would be able to do so. But thanks to places like this we get such a chance. You wouldn't believe how much your advice puts me at peace. I can't help but feel like I kind of stole your thread, so thank you so much for helping me. As for you, I completely agree with your decision and it is very admirable. I wish all the best to you.

[HamHam]

AintEasy,

 

I'm so glad I could give you some perspective on your situation! Heartbreak is a profoundly painful experience and the sooner we learn to harness the emotions that stem from it for the better, the more we grow. I don't at all mind that you hopped into my thread - I started it to be useful to others as well.

 

I'd recommend that you don't discuss reconciliation until a considerable time has passed. You both need to cool down, start working on your respective happiness, and revisit the idea of "us" when you're both happy with your individual "you." I found that in my case open discussions with my ex were exactly what I needed to feel well enough again to move forward. That's not to say that you should contact her before you're ready, but don't be afraid of keeping her in the loop of your personal growth. From what you've told me I don't believe your story is over, but I'm going to bet that your best chance with her down the line is to stay in her life (again, whenever you're ready).

 

Here are two resources I found immensely helpful as I navigated through the beginning of my breakup:

 

 

 

All the very best to you! I know it's not easy, but you'll only be stronger for it.

 

HamHam

[HamHam]

I'm exhausted from a long stretch at the gym, a cleaning spree, and massive quantities of reading about self improvement - so I'll keep this short. My ex and I aren't back together yet, but we're circling around reconciling all the time. We're just not ready to start a fresh relationship because we haven't fully resolved who we are independently. More on that later, but we will definitively be together again. I realized that despite the minuses in his personality the pluses more than make up for it (that and I simply love him). I'm free to be 100% myself around him - no other person has so unconditionally accepted me before. He feels the same around me. We're in this for the long haul and if time apart means a stronger future then so be it.