NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 She has not gotten in touch. It's 9:00 AM here. The thing that's so strange to me is the first time I found out she was lying, she was SO desperate to get me to come back, she called 30 times and texted like 200, she said I was the best thing to ever happen to her and her kids and that she will do anything to fix it. I truly do think she feels that way. One other thing I've been considering... I don't even know if I'm capable of breaking up with her. I can't look at her kids and say "I'll never see you again." I'm especially close with her son, who has never been close to the dad that raised him (he saw some abuse and doesn't like him). Me leaving could be devastating for him. I hate to say this, but the first night that we got into an argument, he self-injured. We found that out the next day. I think it's a response to instability. Me leaving could fuel the fire. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 well one step at a time .......lets find out where the hell she is first . I hope if this does end up with you leaving , that she will permit you to make the transition with care and love for the boy .... you cannot shoulder the self harming blame darling ..and if we are right in our thoughts on her she isn't actually dealing with the needs of him very well as his mother .... cheating ...with his father , who he doesn't know is his father , cos he thinks the other father is his father . Link to comment
findingmeandyou Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Bro, please take what I say very seriously here. I have been in a similar situation. If this woman wants the father of her child to be involved and maintain a good relationship with you, she will do it in the RIGHT way. That could be inviting him over for dinner with you, so he can meet you and spend time with his son. She could also allow him to take his son on some sort of outing. She's lying to you and going behind your back. Having drinks with him at a bar has nothing to do with her son. This is called she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She can't have it both ways. It sounds like you've given her multiple chances. You caught her once, and she went out and did it again. Thank god you are not married to this person. Now is the time to get her out of your life. Do it now before she hurts you any further. She's also hurting her son, but that's her choice. She's an irresponsible partner and horrible mother. You want no parts of her high school-ish ways. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 The thing that's so strange to me is the first time I found out she was lying, she was SO desperate to get me to come back, she called 30 times and texted like 200, she said I was the best thing to ever happen to her and her kids and that she will do anything to fix it. I truly do think she feels that way. yet she went on to lie a second time .......it will baffle mankind forever how people can come out with the crap they do ...then go and do it all over again . Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 >>I don't even know if I'm capable of breaking up with her. Then prepare yourself to be cheated on multiple times. She's already been behind your back with two different men that you know about, and there could be more. And one day she may meet one she sees as a better prospect (she is more attracted to him, he makes more money, who knows what other reason) and then she's gone and takes the kids with her. That may already be in the works. I suggest that when she comes back (if she comes back) you immediately suggest family counseling to talk about this and to talk about her son's issues. If she won't go with you, or she continues to sneak around, it's a lost cause. there is also a good chance if this guy really is the boy's father, you are about to be replaced in the boy's mind and in the father role by this other man. So you will become marginalized and staying for the boy's sake may be a noble but misguided thing to do. You are not the boy's father, and not even his mother's husband or his stepfather, so that is a precarious position for you to be in when she's wanting to re-introduce another man/the boy's father back into his life. You may rapidly become a third wheel, whether you think so or not. Your GF may also be the type who is not willing to leave one live-in BF until she has another one firmly sewed up and ready to move in with. So she may be working on this other guy to make sure he will get with the program and let her move in/be a provider before she is willing to let you go. Link to comment
NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 I hope if this does end up with you leaving , that she will permit you to make the transition with care and love for the boy .... The thought of doing that is making me cry. I am so sad and so furious. I can't believe I'm being put into this position. Everyone's right, it sounds like she's cheating, but my heart just won't let me believe that. Link to comment
amipushy Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I hate to say this, but the first night that we got into an argument, he self-injured. We found that out the next day. I think it's a response to instability. Me leaving could fuel the fire. Then shame on her for not recognising this also. Her behaviour is really low. And I dont think there is much hope that she is at a friends or a motel room sorting her head out before coming home to you full of regret and wanting forgiveness, but rather she is with him and cant face you and what she is doing to her family. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 The thought of doing that is making me cry. I am so sad and so furious. I can't believe I'm being put into this position. Everyone's right, it sounds like she's cheating, but my heart just won't let me believe that. of course your heart wont let you believe it ..this is just happening now for you and it is normal to rationalise her behaviour and make excuses to make it all fit into a better place . We are just saying what we see ....but of course we all hope we are very very wrong . I know how awful this must be for you to read . Link to comment
NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 One thing I do need to make clear; she said that they met up originally to talk about the prospect of him being in the son's life in some way. She told me that she told him she did not think it was a good idea, not anytime soon at least. That was before we discovered the self-injuring, which we found out a couple days ago. She's saying this meet up yesterday was mainly to discuss the self-injury thing, because the father had done that in his past; she is so confused as to why her son's doing it because he seems so happy, so she was trying to find some clarity. Link to comment
NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 of course your heart wont let you believe it ..this is just happening now for you and it is normal to rationalise her behaviour and make excuses to make it all fit into a better place . We are just saying what we see ....but of course we all hope we are very very wrong . I know how awful this must be for you to read . Yeah, it's the worst thing I've ever read, but I do definitely appreciate all the honesty. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 One thing I do need to make clear; she said that they met up originally to talk about the prospect of him being in the son's life in some way. She told me that she told him she did not think it was a good idea, not anytime soon at least. That was before we discovered the self-injuring, which we found out a couple days ago. She's saying this meet up yesterday was mainly to discuss the self-injury thing, because the father had done that in his past; she is so confused as to why her son's doing it because he seems so happy, so she was trying to find some clarity. ok , again , lets say this is true .....why oh why did she lie for a second time after the hurt it caused first time ... and the only answer I can say is that she is hiding something , otherwise , surely to god she would have said all this to you , taken you with her . told you why she wanted to meet him ...you seem a very accepting and kind man , so she had nothing to fear in telling you the truth and involving you .... Link to comment
NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 ok , again , lets say this is true .....why oh why did she lie for a second time after the hurt it caused first time ... and the only answer I can say is that she is hiding something , otherwise , surely to god she would have said all this to you , taken you with her . told you why she wanted to meet him ...you seem a very accepting and kind man , so she had nothing to fear in telling you the truth and involving you .... You're right. She said she still thought I wouldn't understand why she'd want to meet up with him, and that she has a genuine fear that I'll break up with her if her past comes more to light than it already has. I assured her that would never happen and that I love who she is now and don't care who she was back in the day, but she says she doesn't believe that's true. I feel that when she says this, she's telling the truth. The lying is of course unacceptable, but she felt it necessary to preserve whatever it is she thinks I'll break up with her over. I think she would be so uncomfortable if the 3 of us sat down together and I can't even imagine it; she doesn't want her past to poison the present. Thank you for the kind words by the way. Link to comment
NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 And of course the more obvious reason for why she's lying is because she's cheating. But I want to believe her so bad. Link to comment
NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 She did respond a little bit ago just saying "I'm safe" in response to my texts from last night about being worried why she wasn't responding at all. Hasn't said anything since then. Link to comment
NomAnor Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 We're going to talk later. I'm at work now, she's headed home. I told her first I had to know where she went. She said she slept on his couch, and that "his wife wasn't thrilled about it either." Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 More BS. If he is married...then I would bet $100 that she is out of town. Link to comment
Iggles Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 FOP, I really feel for you. It's clear you've given so much to her and your relationship. She is being shortsighted and cruel. >>I don't even know if I'm capable of breaking up with her. Then prepare yourself to be cheated on multiple times. She's already been behind your back with two different men that you know about, and there could be more. And one day she may meet one she sees as a better prospect (she is more attracted to him, he makes more money, who knows what other reason) and then she's gone and takes the kids with her. That may already be in the works. She has shown herself to be untrustworthy. How can you stay and hope to continue to live as a family unit when you can't trust her to keep her word? Her cheating and possibly finding a new partner does not make your position as husband/partner and father figure secure as whomever she is dating can end up assuming those dual roles if she allows it, despite your wishes to continue being "dad". there is also a good chance if this guy really is the boy's father, you are about to be replaced in the boy's mind and in the father role by this other man. So you will become marginalized and staying for the boy's sake may be a noble but misguided thing to do. You are not the boy's father, and not even his mother's husband or his stepfather, so that is a precarious position for you to be in when she's wanting to re-introduce another man/the boy's father back into his life. You may rapidly become a third wheel, whether you think so or not. If you break up, it's easier for her to play "happy family" with her new beau than co-parent with you -- her Ex who has zero parental rights.. You have no leverage in either situation and your level in involvement with the kids post-break up would be 100% at her discretion. Her choosing the path of least resistance and complications for her is highly likely (with the result you will be left behind as she moves onto the next guy). While it's painful to consider things changing, the reality is that your relationship is at a crossroads. You have to think about how you would like things to play out in the event of a break up. You won't get 50/50 custody like a couple divoricing because you don't have any parental right to the kids. Instead, try to stay on good terms with her family. The children's grandparents and aunt/uncles. If you can maintain friendships with them, best case scenario is they will give you updates on the children over the years. Depending on how close you remain to them, they could invite you to some family events where the children will be in attendance.. As for the kids, continue to reinforce how much you care about them. Let them know you are there for them if they need you and try to be more of a "cool uncle"/friend of the family person to them. Understand and do not make them feel guilty if, as they adjust to the break up and enter their teen years, your relationship with them starts to drift, etc. While it will always sting that you couldn't have the relationship with them that you wanted to have (as lifelong stepparent and stepchild), take heed to be there in the ways you can -- which may be from a distance but still caring and protective of them. We're going to talk later. I'm at work now, she's headed home. I told her first I had to know where she went. She said she slept on his couch, and that "his wife wasn't thrilled about it either." This is absolutely absurd!! She has no friends, no money, no other CHOICE but to crash at the man who abandoned her son's home??? She must think you are real simple to manipulate, as this makes no sense and shows she's gives zero f**ks about you.. Her logic is severely flawed and aimed at cutting you at your knees. As in: "see, you getting (justifiably) upset left me with no other choice but to turn to the guy I lied to you (repeatedly) about.." Link to comment
shessofly Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 We're going to talk later. I'm at work now, she's headed home. I told her first I had to know where she went. She said she slept on his couch, and that "his wife wasn't thrilled about it either." riiiight...so there's a wife now huh? she keeps adding new layers to her lies. i wonder what the excuse is for not contacting you? something even more lame than the alleged night spent on the couch i bet. i'd be so offended, that someone would even think that i was that gullible. i am sorry you are going through this, you seem like a reasonable guy. she clearly has something to hide here. i don't think you can believe any thing that has been said from the get-go about this guy. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 let us know how you get on darling .. Link to comment
Marah Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Regardless of what she is actually doing, and speculation summons no truths, you know for sure she is not being honest with you. That in itself seems to be snowballing into an unforgivable element of her part in your relationship. She cannot keep on with this lying, manic fugue act. She needs to grow up and face whatever she has going on. It is incredibly complicated getting involved with blended families. There is a lot more at stake with little hearts, and people who have opened themselves up as a para-parent and face losing the children in their lives. That pain is bad, but nothing is worse than allowing lies and disrespect. Try to stay calm, don't get whipped up in the what-ifs, and don't allow the lies to continue with your cooperation. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 What you have right there is a Hot Mess. Tread with care. Control your emotions. Suspend all gossip. Take a grain of salt with every truth. And be very, very careful. I suspect they reconnected. Then they met She went to him...and found out he's married. She leaves her BFs with feelings for them, I've had this girl once - she's the exact same type of woman who brought me here! You have to be strong here and take it very carefully. Link to comment
NomAnor Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Just wanted to update everyone... I gave her another chance. Things were a little rocky but seemed to be ok. Then last week I suspected she was lying to me about going out with her girlfriend one night, for a few minor reasons. After a day of thought, I made the decision to snoop through her phone, to see if a text conversation between her and this friend existed. I was desperately hoping I was just being paranoid, and there would be a conversation there about them making plans to go out that night. I found no such conversation. I did, however, find some x-rated texts between her and some guy I've never heard of. She says it was all just talk, and nothing has ever happened, and insists she has never cheated. She said she feels stupid about it, and that it was "nice to just sort of get away for a minute from everything," because we had been having these problems. I told her that whether she did cheat or not was irrelevant and that my trust in her was obliterated, and moved all of my things out the next day. That was about 5 days ago. She's been begging me to come home since then. I won't. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Yikes. Well...she maxes her bed(s). Link to comment
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