"Don't wait around for me to clear my head"

[aderane2k]

So I've been seeing this girl for a couple months now. She's 22, and I'm 27. We met at my hair salon, she's the washer. After three months of hey how are yous, she expressed interest in me. We swapped numbers, and went out a week later. Things moved quickly, but not unnaturally. A couple dates, and a few hangouts, she called me to meet spontaneously, and she kissed me with deep affection. We continued to see one another, and things grew to a very critical point. I knew she was sensitive, so I didn't pursue sex with her even though she was wiggling her hips in mine, and whispered "Don't you wish we were at your place right now?".

 

To be clear. She told me she was recently out of a relationship. I'm a virgin, and the last thing I wanted to do was move forward too quickly and ruin a good thing. She said she wanted to go slow, but I can't help but think I missed an opportunity and she thinks I don't want it anymore. That was some time ago, and we continued to flirt and talk back and forth a bit. We met a few more times, and made out some more, then it all changed.

 

A week ago she stopped talking to me as much. She has depression, and fell into a period of it. The holidays, coupled with her time of the month (her words), she said she pushes people away. By this point I've fallen for her. I feel connected to her on many levels, and can definitely see a future with her. So I told her to meet me after work one day for a talk. She tried to cancel, but I insisted. When we met, she was pretty normal, but looked very stressed. Our conversation was a lot of one person talking at once. I told her I was a little upset by her actions, but that I understood. We realized that I'm much further along in the relationship than she is. She wants to take things slow, and I want something sooner (though my opinion of a relationship is just being there for someone, not anything more). Then she talked, telling me what had been bothering her lately (family).

 

I get a text from her that night thanking me, and telling me that she's not used to feeling "this way" or "being in a situation like this". I get another text the following day with more detail. She says that she's conflicted. That her heart and mind are at two separate places. She says she really likes me, and that scares her because she's so fresh out of a bad relationship. She sees where I'm coming from, but that she's not there yet. She says that, if that bothers me that she doesn't want me to wait for her to clear her head. She said she cares about my well being, and wants me to be happy, and if waiting bothers me to move on. She said she just needs time to get to know me before she can even think about a relationship like I'm asking for.

 

I responded as I would normally. I told her that I don't care about time, that she can take as much as she needs, that she makes me happy and I want to be with her and will wait for her. That's not saying I'm putting my life on hold, but I don't have a list of women to go after, and we will work through this together.

 

She thanked me, called me a gentleman, and said she really appreciates my response. She called me a couple times that night just to talk about random stuff, and yesterday she texts pretty normally. Now she's gone dark again, and I'm not chasing her any longer.

 

Does it seem like she's genuinely confused and that she really does like me, but doesn't know how to settle her mind? Or is she telling me to move on because she just doesn't want to take the burden of ending it herself? I'm of the opinion that I speak my mind, and I have done so with her. She appreciates that, and tells me I've done nothing wrong countless times. She just isn't straight with me, and I wish she'd just tell me if she wants to be with me or not. I did ask in my response, that if she didn't see anything to tell me, or if she didn't truly like me to tell me, but she didn't say anything about those, so I'm hopeful.

[Rosti87]

If she suffers from a chemical imbalance like depression (or bi-polar) you may have to adjust to her mood changes. It is a challenge so you will have to ask yourself if you can handle this long term. The only red flag I see is that she is recently out of a relationship. If that relationship lasted for years you might be stepping into a transitional relationship situation.

[CraigHowes]

You are not listening to what she is saying and your ignoring her situation and what's going on in her life.

 

She is not ready for a relationship and she is working through personal issues. She doesn't really make you happy stop fooling yourself. You are infatuated with her and are ignoring everything she is telling and showing you.

 

You can't save her, she has to save herself and with you around you are enabling her depression and fears and she can mask them in the attention you give her.

 

The kindest thing you can do is let her go. You are ready for a relationship and she isn't. Never put your life and dreams on hold for anyone.

 

You know what you want now go out and get it but you have to let things pass. Not every opportunity is for you and she isn't for you.

[reinventmyself]

This one is clearly out of your control and trying to read between the lines and forecast is futile.

 

Sounds like she has been pretty upfront with you but I get that you are wondering if this just a soft brush off and wishing if so she will come right out and say so.

People generally have a hard time saying things that may come off as hurtful and disappointing so we are left to read their actions for answers. Factor in the two of you work together she may be trying to salvage your work relationship.

All you can do is carry on and detach yourself from any outcome. If it doesn't work out then you are well on your way with being ok with it. If it does, then bonus.

Don't put your life on hold and get busy with it. .Do this for yourself but the after effect may make you more appealing, but again do this for . .you.

 

Things typically work out the way they are supposed to.

[aderane2k]

Craig, I really do understand where you're coming from. I guess I view things differently. In my mind, simply being there for someone, maintaining a sense of consistency, can help them to realize what's worth fighting for. I'm not out to fix her, I'm just there for her to talk to, open up to. Some people think they can soldier on alone, but every depressed person I've ever known has only gotten through it by having people around who are willing to listen. If they spend copious amounts of time alone, they wrap themselves tighter and tighter to the point of suffocation (and possibly suicide as I have been privy to once before with a friend). I may be enabling her depression and fears, you're absolutely right, but the only way to get through real pain is to see the good in life. If I'm something good in her mind, the best thing I can do is be there.

 

But I really do appreciate your input, I quite like seeing thoughts that don't align with my own.

[aderane2k]

Rosti, now that I am aware of these periods of depression, I can live with them I feel. It's better to have seen it this early on than it would have been to be months in. I'm a very selfless guy, but I do have wants and desires. I put it that way because I know that I can be a sounding board for her rather than a wrench. She doesn't need a fix, she needs a listener. As far as the length of her last relationship, it wasn't longer than a year, but he did propose to her. He was a domineering and controlling type that went so far as to block her guy friends in her phone.

[aderane2k]

Reinventmyself, I really admire your words. I actually have reached a pretty comfortable point where if it doesn't work out I'm okay with that. It's just the knowing, like you said, haha. We don't actually work together, we just have to see one another at least once a month for an appointment. I have started taking myself back out of the situation, and have begun to get back to the life I had before. I still want her more than anything, but I can't sacrifice my own well being and sit around moping. Trust me, this time last week I was a wreck, wallowing in uncertainty and questions. Now it is what it is.

[CraigHowes]

My ex suffered with depression and we ended because of it. You can only be there for someone who wants you to be there for them!

 

People with depression see themselves as a burden on others therefore push them away. She sees herself as a burden and doesn't understand why you would want to share that burden.

 

Her burden and her issues are hers to deal with and it's not your job to fight for her and show her happiness. Happiness comes from within and if she can't be happy with herself she can't be happy with you.

 

You want a partner not someone you have to support and keep up and basically become her carer. She needs time alone to work through her past relationship and her depression.

 

She has to want to seek professional help to sort this out. I get that your a caring person and i am too but be honest with yourself this is not someone who is ready and able to have a fulfilling relationship.

 

Please open your mind and truly hear what she is saying to you. If you stay around she will lose respect for you and she will see you as putting her before yourself. This will lead to guilt, further depression, and resentment.

[Rosti87]

There is a major downside to this. You may be there to help her, but if you think it will get you a place in her heart romantically by default you may be sorely mistaken. It will be a crap shoot at best. When people are trying to heal from a long term relationship it takes time sometimes as long as a year or even longer. I hope you are not putting yourself on hold from other possibilities while she heals.

 

She already told you to not wait on her so consider this decision with some timbre of balance.

[Rosti87]

Rosti, now that I am aware of these periods of depression, I can live with them I feel. It's better to have seen it this early on than it would have been to be months in. I'm a very selfless guy, but I do have wants and desires. I put it that way because I know that I can be a sounding board for her rather than a wrench. She doesn't need a fix, she needs a listener. As far as the length of her last relationship, it wasn't longer than a year, but he did propose to her. He was a domineering and controlling type that went so far as to block her guy friends in her phone.

 

Another "Danger Will Robinson" flag. If her relationship was also abusive that makes it even more daunting. I'm afraid you will be climbing San Jacinto in this situation. I wish you luck.

[aderane2k]

I don't think I deserve or need to earn a place in her heart romantically. That's her decision to make. Right now I'm on the more positive side, but that can easily change from one day to the next. As for putting myself on hold, that's where things are interesting. I'm always leaving my options open, but I'm also not the type who goes out seeking, I never have been. My relationships or dating experience have come through either a mutual friend, or someone whom I built up a friendship with over time. This girl and I sort of fell into one another, so she's the anomaly in all of this. I'm not shutting out others, but I'm also not going out and looking for the next woman that will give me the time of day, that's just now how I've operated in these 27 years of life, haha. If someone comes along and she's still MIA, I'm not going to hold back, that I know.

 

She has had abuse in the past, but I don't know if it was the same guy. It very well may have been, because she's only had two lengthy relationships and a few dating experiences. She did tell me the story of her crying and her boyfriend hitting her. She turned tail right then and told him to ($@* off and never speak with her again. She's got some experience with being a tough cookie, and she's had military training that ingrained her with some defensive mentalities. She tends to throw out the garbage on her own accord, and despises them for their actions (I know this is an unhealthy angle too, because like Love, Hate is a strong emotion you can feel for someone, which means you're not over them).

[reinventmyself]

Another "Danger Will Robinson" flag. If her relationship was also abusive that makes it even more daunting. I'm afraid you will be climbing San Jacinto in this situation. I wish you luck.

 

. .came back to add: You often risk being friend zoned when you offer yourself as a sounding board for break ups. If your intent is to have something romantic with her put some distance between you and revisit it at a later date.

[aderane2k]

You're absolutely right that I can't get a place in her heart romantically just by trying. She doesn't owe me anything, nor do I expect her to. If it works out, it works out, there's really no other way around that. As for putting myself on hold, I'm not really, I just also don't "seek" companionship. I have a healthy stable of friends that I spend time with (less so lately, but that's my fault for getting too deep here). My relationships have come from friends or mutual friends, they usually happen rather than be sought for. She and I sort of just fell into one another, which is an anomaly for a change. So with that said, I always keep my options open, but I'm not a terribly outgoing guy who tries to pick up anyone who will listen. So yes, I'm not putting my life on hold, but if we happen to be available when she's ready, then so be it.

 

She had been abused once before, but I don't know if it was him. She had two relationships of length, and she always ended them. The one who beat her she told to leave, and never spoke to him again. She's got history being a tough cookie when she needs to be, she's just a little hard to get to know because she's sensitive. She has military training which has given her awareness that she looks for things. She's even joked before that she has a kill list, which I actually don't like because that means she's not truly over those people. Hate, like love, is a very powerful emotion, and if you're over someone you can't hate them. They just don't exist.

[aderane2k]

. .came back to add: You often risk being friend zoned when you offer yourself as a sounding board for break ups. If your intent is to have something romantic with her put some distance between you and revisit it at a later date.

 

Sorry, but I absolutely despise that term. I understand what you're saying, but I really wish there was another way to put it. I can't make someone like me or love me, so why try? The best I can be is a friend, because I am of the opinion that your lover should be your friend and eventual best friend. If she views me romantically or not, that's not going to change by making distance. If she views me as a friend, then I'm okay with that. It's not a consolation prize. Call me old fashioned or whatever, but that's how I feel about "friend-zone".

 

She reaches out to me, I still flirt with her, if she starts to pull away physically, then I know that we're friends, and I'll take it from there.

[Rosti87]

She had been abused once before, but I don't know if it was him. She had two relationships of length, and she always ended them. The one who beat her she told to leave, and never spoke to him again. She's got history being a tough cookie when she needs to be, she's just a little hard to get to know because she's sensitive. She has military training which has given her awareness that she looks for things. She's even joked before that she has a kill list, which I actually don't like because that means she's not truly over those people. Hate, like love, is a very powerful emotion, and if you're over someone you can't hate them. They just don't exist.

 

Her last boyfriend did abuse her. He abused her mentally and emotionally. One does not have to be physically hit to be abused. She has been in serial abusive situations. She may be physically tough but emotionally she will be a challenge. As long as you go in with your eyes open.

 

Personally I think it is healthier to start a relationship with a person that is already whole and emotionally functional. I've made this mistake of taking on someone like her and eventually it gets very exhausting and tends to drag you down. Serially abused people tend to have very low self esteem and have gaping holes which need tremendous amounts of mental and emotional feeding.

[Ms Darcy]

Just a few thoughts here. I think think she's fading and letting you down gently.

 

The real question is why. Were you a distraction to help her get over her ex? Is she really depressed? Is there someone else?

 

Even the "why" question is futile because you would probably never know. I think her actions have shown she's lost romantic interest in you and would be more interested in being friends. Women dislike rejection as much as men and she's basically had to chase you and be overt with you. Maybe she enjoyed that, but women often don't like having to take the 'alpha' role.

 

I may be wrong but I just don't think she's really interested anymore but wants to keep you around as a sounding board.