Getting back together because of guilt

[melrich]

I raed the other day somewhere that the overwhelming reason dumpers get back with their ex is because of guilt. It also went on to say that this was the worst possible reason to get back with someone.

 

I know in my situation I broke with my ex of 10 years and have felt tremendous guilt at causing her pain ever since. I know she was devastated with the break up and went through a really hard time (she handled with dignity, never tried to get me back). Ever since, whenever I think of her I have this massive guilt and a feeling that I want to make it up to her.

 

Do others have this feeling? I know in lots of cases dumpees try and send dumpers on this massive guilt trip. I suppose that is why it is the number one reason dumpers get back together with exs?

[sisterlynch]

I don't think that guilt is a very good reason for dating. If someone is going to break up, I feel that it should be for good, unless things have changed enough that the break up not longer is valid.

 

Like if you broke up with her because you thought that you wanted more space, and then it turned out that you were wrong, you were just going thru a phase, and that wasn't your normal mode of operations.

 

Then I guess that you could revisit the idea of dating her again. If you got tired of her nagging, and then you missed her even tho, don't expect that she will change over night, but with counseling, she can learn how to treat you in a more positive way.

[emma34]

Absoloutely this is true. It doesn't matter why you broke up with that person, doubts will always linger, and it might even seem like not a good enough reason...why? Guilt. Even without that person giving you the 'guilt trip,' it's still there. Guilt has been hanging over my head for the last two months, as I broke up with my boyfriend of just over two years. It made it that much worse that he emotionally broke down and has become what I would consider an alcoholic ever since. I can't help but blame myself, but these things will come and go. They may call you selfish - you may label yourself shelfish - but in the end, what is right for you, is always right, and you have to remebmer that. Putting yourself first is the most important thing. Everybody experiences this guilt - so don't let it get you down. Because if you take this person back, and realize that you did it for the wrong reasons after...look at the situation you put yourself in. You would be putting that person in that much more pain. I hope I gave you a little insight - in my opinion anyway.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

Yes! Mostly it is the guilt in it. Coz we are taught to love others as ourselves and demand very much for them to love us too.

 

Guilt is the awareness through our conscience, storage accounts place where what we did is clearly jotted down.

 

To want to compensate is to want to repay back to the unjusted ones.But the unjusted ones just merely want to be healed and feel better, not by compensating.

 

If u cannot HEAL her, dun be back with her. It will not help in the relationships and further enlarge the problems u had with her earlier on.

 

Guilt doesnt equal to love. It only says i did something wrong to a smeone who deserves better.

 

Thanks for reading..

[ajk]

no, guilt doesn't necessarily equal love, BUT...we feel guilt for a reason, usually to tell ourselves that we've done something wrong (i recall this from an anthropology class years ago...).

 

you have to ask yourself why you feel guilty.

 

you say that you also feel like you want to make it up to her. if that's because you have a lingering feeling of love for her, maybe you made a mistake.

 

these are questions you have to ask yourself.

 

when we hurt others, we SHOULD feel wrong about it. it's more toward a human impulse to grow close to someone and repair things than it is to reject them. it's only the 'modern' society that tells us we should think about ourselves before others...obviously we never would have survived as a species if this was always the case (i.e., group survival and survival of the family was always more important before), thereforeeee, i think it's contrary to human nature to 'destroy' a relationship unit...thus the guilt.

[ajk]

no, guilt doesn't necessarily equal love, BUT...we feel guilt for a reason, usually to tell ourselves that we've done something wrong (i recall this from an anthropology class years ago...).

 

you have to ask yourself why you feel guilty.

 

you say that you also feel like you want to make it up to her. if that's because you have a lingering feeling of love for her, maybe you made a mistake.

 

these are questions you have to ask yourself.

 

when we hurt others, we SHOULD feel wrong about it. it's more toward a human impulse to grow close to someone and repair things than it is to reject them. it's only the 'modern' society that tells us we should think about ourselves before others...obviously we never would have survived as a species if this was always the case (i.e., group survival and survival of the family was always more important before), thereforeeee, i think it's contrary to human nature to 'destroy' a relationship unit...thus the guilt.