I think I've been dumped?

[troutboy]

Hello from New Zealand, I have been seeing a woman now for about 12 months, she is very close to her ex, thay talk daily and SMS daily too.... I am the jealos type and don't like this, although I have told her I would never stop her seeing him - (they catch up as friends weekly). We have sort of broken up a few times and always got back together. She says I am possesive and always checking up on her, I think I have always been very reasonable considering the relationship shes has with her ex partner, and only ever ask for some reassurance that things are okay with us when she finishes seeing him. Well we had a few drinks last night and it all came out that she does'nt like the person I am, she thinks I'm dodgy and never listen, but she does love me, this I know and we often "did" tell each other - only an hour earlier last night we were cuddling and all was great, she was even planning on staying the night and over the weekend - we were both quite drunk however.... She said she can't be with me - which we have both said to each other before - but deep down we both have a huge attraction to each other - I know she enjoys my company and we have talked on the phone every night since being together. I love her to bits but just hope this is'nt the end - I am not very good at no contact, but is this something I should try? She has been quite nasty and off with me for this past week after spending a lovely two weeks together over christmas. We don't live together but work in the same building.... I don't know what to do, I miss my mate terribly, she needed some space this week and I gave it to her but she just ended calling me twice to get together. If it is over for good, I think it would be too hard for me to be friends with her. Please some advice would be appreciated....

[Iceman26]

Sorry this happened to you dude, but you should have been firm in the beginning and put your foot down, and if she doesnt want to date you because of her friendship with her ex, then let some other guy deal with it. A good rule is to NOT date girls that talk to exes (unless they have children with the ex, then its kind of unavoidable)

 

You arent comfortable and never have been comfortable with her being friends with her ex, and I doubt she will give up her friendship with him. You would think if she wanted to make you comfortable with the idea she would ask you to come as well, but I doubt she has.

 

If you want to salvage the relationship, try giving her a call. If you want to continue seeing her knowing she is going to keep hanging out with the ex, then let her go. Sorry this happened to you man.

[ajk]

did she say that it's over? i'm not sure that i got that from what you described...

 

how long was she in the relationship with the ex for? how long had it been since they had been together? did she date anyone between you and him?

 

it sounds like the conversation you had had a lot to do with the two of you drinking at the time...

 

how has she been nasty to you this week otherwise, though?

 

is there a way you could explain your feelings to her about her relationship with her ex that doesn't seem like it's jealous or possessive--let her know what about it hurts you?

 

DO you feel reassured by her after she sees him?

 

the thing with jealousy is that it can create so many problems--if you don't have a reason to be jealous, you need to stop the reaction NOW before it does lead to a breakup. it is perfectly alright for people to be friends with their exes...depending on the circumstances, of course, whether the ex is interfering, etc., or if the ex is with someone else, too.

 

sorry for all the questions!

[troutboy]

She said she can't be with me, I just got the impression that it was over without her saying it - there was lots of tears from her and she never cries, it's always me! She thinks I am dishonest in my work (marketing) as I deceive people but I see this as being an escape for something a little bigger. She was with him for 5 years, she does reassure me slightly sometimes, but not as much as I would like I guess, and she never lets me know what they talk about - he knows about me and her and doesn't like it apparently. She has been really sharp with our conversations and really grumpy lately, not wanting to spend as much time with me as usual, not as many I love you's and planning things with friend instead of spending time with me - she is from England - she thinks I'm obsessive as I will often ring her back after a fight, sometimes several times as I hate going to sleep upset and she is one of these people who can just let it go... and I can't. She had always assures me her and ex are just friends - I just have always had a gut feeling she still is attracted to him more than a friend, he lives in another town. I tried to leave her about 3 months ago, but she came back wanting to try again. We were both with people when we met and I think this has something to do with me not totally trusting her unfortunatley... Thanks heaps for your replies.

[ajk]

it's hard to know how to take her statement that she can't be with you. i would definitely give her space and time to think things through, but if you need to just let her know you care, maybe send her a few short words somehow.

 

it sounds like maybe her ex is the jealous type, too

 

marketing is as deceptive as any job...i'm not sure why she thinks that. it doesn't mean you're a dishonest person.

 

are you sure that she talks to him every day? that seems a little wrong to me--like she is not considering your feelings.

[troutboy]

Yes, they talk daily, sometimes every few days, but SMS all the time. You have wise words I feel, I need to give her some time - I won't send her a message for a few days - every time I have always tried to give her some space shes ended up calling me. She is a very honest person and thinks I would decieve anyone to make a fast buck - I told her welcome to the real world, sometimes I do feel this would be for the best and other times I know she is so good for me and vice versa. We have always mainted an enormous psychial attraction, more than you could imagine, even after all this time - I just feel I am in for a hard slog if pursue her, it's also hard for her having all her family on the other side of the world - she gets really stressed sometimes re: this. I really miss her after a few days, so NC is going to be hard...

[DragonGirl724]

Sorry this happened to you dude, but you should have been firm in the beginning and put your foot down, and if she doesnt want to date you because of her friendship with her ex, then let some other guy deal with it. A good rule is to NOT date girls that talk to exes (unless they have children with the ex, then its kind of unavoidable).

 

im friends w/ my exs & there are zero feelings there. i know a ton of other people that are genuinly JUST FRIENDS w/ there ex & nothing more. i have no problem with it. & i dont think people should dwell on people being cool w/ their exs, tho it may urk some, no doubt, but once its understood nothing is goin on, thats where trust comes into play. and if theres no trust or lack of trust then the relationship is over already....dont'cha think????

 

and when in a relationship or ex-relationship that just ended, never, well TRY TO NEVER, over think them being cool w/ their ex or any other person at that, b/c if they love YOU then its YOU they want to be with. the other person truthfully plays little to no role at all in the decision making process of who this person wants to be with etc. NOR DOES IT MAKE THEM QUESTION THEIR LOVE FOR YOU. if its real love, nothing & no one will get in the way of that. its only when the trust in the relationship has been tainted with & when the relationship is going downhill when we find ourselves dwelling on things & quite possibly making mountains outta molehills & not seeing or working on the REAL problems in the relationship, when meanwhile we're over analyzing & creating problems that may not even be there!, not to mention NOT ENJOYING THE RELATIONSHIP anymore as well! that alone spells disaster...its possible its over way before we even relize it is.

 

the heart wants what the heart wants. and theres nothing YOU or an EX can ever do about it.

 

i know when my ex broke up w/ me in march i was devestated completely. & we stayed in contact via AOL IM & rarely an email or 2 for bdays etc. well after 8months or so broken up he blocked me & i found out over the summer he 'reconciled w/ his ex ex & talked out their anger' & are now friends & i know they hang out & it urks me soemthines b/c i treated him great & im blocked meanwhile she treated him less than i did & he is friends w/ her....well that says something. it says IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER he sees a friendship w/ her & not me. well, whatever. it is what it is & thats how things should be dealt with when "cases of the ex's" become an issue.

 

the more you think & the less you trust, the bigger the problem is going to be.

 

-DG724

[strongerbytheday]

Heya troutboy…I'm from NZ too..how's about that!…in reading your other posts – re ex girlfriend/boyfriend relationships I saw that you and your girl left your previous partners for each other…in my experience this often tends to mean there is a lack of trust, suspicion, 'issues' (for lack of a better word) in the new relationship…basically a nagging feeling of "if she/he did it to them..could they do it to me"…I dunno, maybe I'm wrong and this isn't the root of the current problems you're having, I'm just throwing it in there. From a girl's perspective, perhaps she is remaining close friends with her ex due to a guilt thing. I know I have done that in the past when I have been the person to end a relationship. in that I want to remain in contact..purely cos I have felt a lil bad and they are still cool guys I just couldn't be in a relationship with them…um looking at my post it's not very helpful...i'll think some more on it! …..

p.s. I'm a marketing brand manager..and deceive no one (well, at least not knowingly! )

[DragonGirl724]

so troutboy,

 

"good day mate" so are you 2 officially broken up? maybe you just need closure. it sometimes takes a very blunt absolution to help to move on for good.

 

ask this chick whatsup & no beating around the bush!!!

 

-DG724

[rnorth]

troutboy - read me closely. I have been through a similar situation. I will tell you something that is universal. Your jealousy will kill your relationship so deal with it. Ask her where she can meet you but let her know you are listening and want to work from your own end. Do not even bring him up. Have security about yourself and just let her references to him brush off.

 

Ask your 'mate' what she expects of you. Reconcile your own feelings of jealousy because they are suffocating this relationship. If you can't deal with her having a close friend with whom she was intimate, then you have to do the right thing for yourself and for her and let go. If you are willing to work on it maybe she will do her part a bit more.

 

Maybe she would be willing to see a relationships counselor together? Just letting her know might show the depths to which you care about her and the relationship. But my experience is that when men continue to be jealous, women tend to eventually feel like this is some sort of betrayal. A little bit of jealousy is okay, but a lot....no way.

 

Oh and the best way to describe marketing is that its not lying but a way in which you demonstrate how your product will best help the prospective client. It is then up to the client to make an informed decision. Just a suggestion.

 

I truly hope it works out for me. Say hello to the little hobbits and elves and watch out for the orcs....lol

[Iceman26]

I dont have a problem with people being friends with their ex's, I just wouldnt date them. No need to put myself through that kind of stress.

[troutboy]

Well an update, she text message me last night asking if I was okay and did I want to borrow her car to look for a new place to live (sold mine) and sounded a bit down, I was out with friends, I rung her back I told her this sucked because I truly thought we were compatible, she did say I seem to be fine (out with friends) - she still said we should break up, and today out of a careless moment of missing her, I rung her up, and she was more adamant than before that this was real and it had to happen - she did say I never treated her anything other that absolutley perfectly and we were just two different people - I really miss her, but this bluntness from her is a bit of a shock, she says she still loves me, but not to the extent I love her - it's really hurting and I think this is finally over - what should I do, I work in the same building remember. I guess I should try to move on - it just wasn't expected, I soooo want to just call her up but she sounds so grumpy and down at the moment, she'd just end up getting more annoyed with me - I'd like to think with N/C she might come back...... am I being optimistic?

[lilred]

Sorry to hear that! Whether she ended the relationship due to her ex is not important anymore. Her decision to break up is pretty much final, maybe she fell out of love w/ you...who knows...it could be a lot of factors. If you want to know why, i think she owes you some closure, afterall, you did spend 1 year w/ this woman. Btw i don't think that it was cool that she was so close to her ex, especially since you expressed that you were not comfortable w/ that. Usually if you're in a relationship w/ someone, you kinda forget about everyone around you (especially your exes) Keep you head up and stay strong. She wasn't right for you anyways.

[troutboy]

Deep down I have to agree with your last few words, I love her to bits but there was always something that was missing... just hard to forget.

 

Thanks