9 years wasted.

[Bc91]

I don't know how to start this. Right now I'm probably the most hurt and the most confused I've ever been in my life. I've only dated one girl my entire life. I'm 23 years old and she is now 22. She was the first girl I'd ever kissed, slept with, and I as much as I hesitate to admit it but I like being in a relationship, maybe a bit too much, I have a soft spot for things like love.. And connections... Maybe this is a result of being broken so many times I really don't know. I was always kind of shy when it came to girls, I wasn't a fan of the idea of getting rejected and feeling immasculated... After grade 9 I got contacts and a haircut. Girls started to notice me a bit more and my best friends gf's best friend apparently said I was "cute".. Or some bull like that. My buddy's gf... Let's call her Lisa. Lisa was determined to set me and... Sarah... Up. On weekends Lisa would invite her over. If she wasn't over Lisa would suggest I text her. It was non stop. Finally I grew a pair of balls and asked her if she.. And I quote "HAD a phone number" I ing asked her if she had a number... No kidding she HAD a number... Anyways yeah I was pathetic but she just took my trembling anxiety for cuteness. We started spending time together and it became official, but something just wasn't really right. She would lie. One time out of the blue one of my friends contacted and told me that Sarah is a and I should be careful or I'm going to get hurt. She told me that she saw her sitting on the lap of another guy from our school in grade 12 making out with him. I confronted Sarah and she denied it and focused the blame on my friend saying she's always hated her and she probably just likes me and is trying to sabotage the relationship. I had to choose between the 2. It hurt to think Sarah would betray me like that I didn't want to believe someone could just do that. I didn't want to believe it. These things kept happening and eventually I became so ashamed that these things were happening I became kind of depressed and didn't go out a lot. She assured me everyone was lying so I believed her but at the same time why would my friend of up to 5 years lie to me? I'm sure they didn't hate her that much that even if we were in love they would try to ruin that for her. Sarah is Bi polar and UN medicated... She would get the manic episodes once every few months to one year. At one point we were broken up and we were still talking. It was Friday and me my best friend and my new friend from work met up with a bunch of people from that I used to go to school with, Sarah came as well with me and my buddies. Everything was cool we were drinking and I took Sarah aside and told her I loved her, said I wanted to be with her. Told her all I think about is her and no other girls but her. I basically took my heart out and gave it to her. She accepted and just like that we were back together. So we went back to the group and it got late me and my 2 friends went back to my place and Sarah and the rest went to the other girls place. She cheated on me that night with a kid I used to go to school with. I was absolutely crushed. I woke up thinking things were finally gonna start getting better and I got on the computer to check messages and she messaged me that she cheated on me, and said sorry. Long story short, I forgave her. Pathetic, I know. Every couple months to 6 months, she would break up with me. And then post on Facebook that "she's finally free" she would party non stop, always going out and seeming to be enjoying herself a bit overly. Then 3 months later she would slow down and come to her senses also the manic stage would be ending and depression would start and she would literally come CRAWLING back to me. After the first 6 times I finally got sick of it. We broke up and I moved out and maybe it was the combination of things but I was doing good this time around. I didn't text and call her begging after it was over. I moved in with my aunt and my cousins so I had people around who understood what was going on and supported my decisions and also backed me up that it was her not me. 3 months went by and she was contacting me and trying to get in my heart. I changed my number. I stopped using Facebook completely. I was ignoring her. I didn't want to deal with this cycle I'd been living in anymore. Until she got to me. I started to read the things she was saying and started to feel again and remember things... The good things.. I gave in to her and it's not like I was just this moron who can't be alone.. Every single time I was convinced that this time we are going to stay together. We are gonna work through our differences like couples do, sure we'll have fights, but it's the things we do for each other to make us happy. It's not about whether or not were "meant to be" it's whether we want to be, and what were willing to do for each other to fufill all the needs we have. I went into it everything with an honest heart hoping that we can make it work. But just as history repeats itself it did... Again. And this time it really surprised me. Up until 2 months ago we were together and she split again. Very abruptly. I won't go into details about the last breakup it's in my other post.. But I've been living in this cycle for 9 years now and it's basically turned me into someone who needs to be in a relationship. I've lost all self respect. I don't want to do this anymore I really feel like I might need some professional help. She's actually ed me up in the head. I'm her toy. She knows she can treat me like this because in the past I take her back because I'm so hopelessly faithful that it will work. She destroys me and then comes back and I take her back every time. I know it's not completely her fault because her mental illness makes her this way but I'm the one who takes all the heat. I know in a few months maybe up to a half year she will contact me again. I know she will. Because she knows that I'm her plan b. I don't want to take her back. Now that I've told everything I can for you to get a sense of who I am. What can someone like me do for help? Even though I love her and all this I only love her because I feel like she's all I can get. She's screwed me over so many times but I still think about her like what the hell is wrong with me. How can I get my self worth back like before I ever met her. I would love if when she tries to get me back I can say that I don't want it, and mean it, knowing I am better than that. Sorry for the incredibly long post and I'm sorry if some parts are a bit confusing.

[Alittlelost]

That's was really hard to read. Please put some paragraphs in.

 

I'm not sure what your wanting. You've stated you won't take Her back and you know your plan b. Seems like you have already worked it out. You know she's not right for you and you've made mistakes. Simply remember that and don't repeat them.

 

Being bipolar and unmedicated is flooish and dangerous. That is not your responsibility to deal with.

 

Somebody good for you will come along. I hope you didn't burn to many bridges and are still friends with the people who were there for you. Try to repair and friendships lost. Learn from your mistakes. Spend time with your friends. Keep your life moving along. Work on whatever you need to. A hobby? Your career?

[Bc91]

I kind of had a feeling people wouldn't understand. I'm asking how do I regain my self worth

[pippy longstocking]

I kind of had a feeling people wouldn't understand. I'm asking how do I regain my self worth

 

it is just a little hard to read thats all ... I started and had to give up because its one wall of text.

 

I have tried to get the jist of the story though and this girl has been horrible to you and you have indeed been the "victim" of dating an unmedicated bi polar ...who clearly isnt doing an awful lot to own her illness or learn how to deal with it . I hestiated to use the word victim though because I don't want you to label yourself as that .

 

You seem to know enough about it that you did recognise her highs and her sexual hypersensitivity and her wreckless behaviour ... this is all very bi polar ....

 

When she does get in contact with you again , as you predicted ..make sure you run like the wind ..not because she has bi polar , but because she is not making any attempt to make sure she doesn't cause utter mayhem where ever she goes . It's not what you have got , it's how you treat people that counts .

 

You have to realise that this whole sorry affair was not a result of the person you are ... you now know you let too much go .. you now know it leads to nowhere when you forgive a cheater over and over and over again ...this is your selfworth piecing itself back together again .....if you was on here shouting and screaming that you want her back and making excuses for her ...thats when your self worth has left the building .

 

But you're not ..you recognise how horrible and cruel it all was and 9 years of this bullcrap had taken its toll on you ..it would anyone .

 

You mentioned seeing a therapist ..it certainly wouldn't do any harm if you fancy going down that road ... If only to ensure that you never let another human being repeatedly come in and out of your life like this and any therapist you see will be able to confirm what I am saying about dating a person with bi polar .

 

You feel like you wasted 9 years ..I never see anything as a waste .. it was 9 years of an experience , but thank god you are out of it .

[Capricorn3]

I'm asking how do I regain my self worth

By not being a doormat. By not repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again - meaning, STOP taking her back every single time she wants to come back. This is not all on her and you have to take responsibility for your own part in all of this because if you keep going back, then you only have yourself to blame. It is in YOUR control and you choose to go back over and over again. People will always treat you the way you allow them to.

 

Other than that, you say you feel you may need professional help and I would agree with that. Look into it, it may help you.

 

(P.S. It would be much easier for people to read that massive wall of text if you break it up into readable paragraphs).

[Bc91]

For some reason it won't let me edit my post... I edited it once and I don't know if it's because I'm doing this from my phone or maybe you only get one edit? Sorry about it being hard to read

 

Thanks for the replies. I don't really get to talk to much people about this so I guess my main goal was to hear that I'm not crazy. Part of me really wanted it to work with her, and part of me eventually just didn't want to give up and it felt good to be pursued, I guess. But it's not worth breaking up every 6 months. But yeah she's unstable and tbh she barely even acknowledges that she is bipolar. If I would even mention it she'd freak. She's dating someone else who apparently "treats her like she deserves" and says that she (she's bi) is the best thing that's ever happened to her. Around a month ago is the last time we talked and I genuinely tried to wish her the best if she's happy and say bye but all she could do was be snide to me so we basically blasted each other with the best dirt from 9 years on each other and said peace.

[Edmund Exley]

You only have so much time to edit a post. PM a mod and ask for help.