I'm in a mess and need help!

[Rihanna]

Well, yeah it's me with a deeper issue than to have some guy who didn't call me back...

 

Hi, I'm miss escape. I always looked for ways to escape from myself because from day one or ever since I can remember I NEVER had a straight life. I was married for ten years to a man who became an addict to many things and I helped him get better, took me YEARS! doing that I put myself, my life on hold which is why I'm now 32 Broke, living back at my parents in the country and back at school doing something to get back up again, I have few hundred dollars in my bank account, no house no shares, no assets NOThING. Anyway, My marriage was extremely platonic from get go and his addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling didn't help the spark at all! In fact I became a carer to him for the whole marriage, and him being my first relationship I believed him and all his lies. Story short: WE NEVER HAD SEX... like ever! I left the marriage with ZERO money! he had nothing to give and what little he did have well, I gave him in order to help heal his life. He's doing great now and I'm not! He became like a father to me after things got better with him and was no longer an addict. he has an excellent career and is now a respected man, almost broke me to pieces to 'help' make him better and I say 'help make him better' because at the end of the day, he was doing the hard work to get off the drugs etc... so I can't take 100% credit though I did save his life (literally!). Anyway, of course I left him and it's the right decision etc... what kills me the most is when I tell people I divorced him everyone replies: 'good on you! I'm so happy for you' and worse than that reply: 'Finally! he was never good for you' and the priest came over to visit and was congratulating me like I'm not human with feelings, or worse, like HE's not human with feelings. But I never allowed anyone to say bad things about him because 'they don't know him like I do. I RAISED him like a son! where were these people when I held him in my arms night after night pale and blue' what would these people know about reforming a heroin addict, an addict of many hard and soft drugs and gambling and alcohol? What would these people know about how to raise and make someone again from less than nothing? In a way I'm sort of proud of myself for sticking with him because he would've died had I left then... and I would've kept my money, bought a house, got a job etc... and perhaps met someone new or not (who knows)... But coulda, shoulda woulda never helps anyone. ...

 

So here is my real dilemma: Why am I soooooooooooo low ALL the time? Why is it when I look around everyone seems to have a perfect life with homes, family, kids and careers and I'm lacking ALL of those, bit shameful at my age... Why is my self worth plummeting more and more everyday? Why am I so worried about the end of my days when I'm old and grey and may not have a place to live? Why can't I see that it is possible to have those things others have? Why do I love to take long showers only to empty out as much tears as I can? I don't wish to take anti-depressant cos from experience that doesn't fix anything and I need to be alert to fix my life. Please any advice other than take meds? Also, any advice on how to meet new people, make good friends or even a potential partner? Shoudl i try with my ex-husband again and see if he's willing maybe we could get married again in the future? (I'm going nuts!) I don't know why I struggle to meet people and It shouldn't be hard for me to meet people cos I'm educated, smart and very attractive (I hope I don't sound arrogant hehe)... I thought I'd write it now before I lose that confidence in five seconds hehe

[kbbcoop77]

32 is very young and you have plenty of time to stop wallowing and brooding and get on with life! Now go seize the day...stop living in the past and forget your ex. Think about you and where you want to be this time next year. Broke and living at mom and dad's? It's your life go and make it better you can do it !!

[Rihanna]

Broke and living at mom and dad's? It's your life go and make it better you can do it !!

What did you mean by that? Should I quit my school here move to the city and try my life there? or should I finish school here (which is another whole year ) and then see to move out... I can't find the stamina to look for work in the country, it's depressing me

[kbbcoop77]

Look, if you're still in school the I would stay and DEFINITELY FINISH!! Do not blow off your education. And don't be so hard on yourself by comparing yourself to others. Worry about you. 32 is very young. You have a long life ahead of you, get your education completed and go from there

[Rihanna]

what about my other million issues?

[pippy longstocking]

oh rihanna what a story ..

 

and for him a success story and I imagine for the rest of his life he will surely count his blessings that he met you . It was very poignant to read how your thoughts where when everyone was saying well done for not being with him ...I never quite looked at it like that either . Yes I see what you are saying ..its ok congratulating me now !!! where was the help when I needed it ...yes I totally see where you are coming from ...and you did need help and support . There are so many helplines and communities here on the uk that are there for the family and not the sufferer and they are there because the family needs as much support as the addict ...just different support ...and you did it all on your own . You may feel weak right now rihanna but believe me , reading that story showed you have an inner strength and determination that knows no bounds ....so now you need to give it all to yourself after a lifetime of giving it to someone else.

 

Right now I think living at your parents and going to school is a solid base for you ...might not feel like it I know .. but this is your down time you could say .. time to get your education and if possible some money saved and know that you have a huge future infront of you .

 

You are without doubt depressed and I understand the no taking meds ..that's fair enough .. I am also a bit like that ..although I do take some mild anti depressants I am supposed to take meds to balance my moods ( I have bi polar) but I also refuse ..I am a single mum and I need to have my head straight and my thoughts intact ..but a mild anti depressant is fine with me ...so I know you didn't want anyone battering on about tablets ...me too ...haha and I have had many a fight with the doctors over this in the past ...but a mild anti depressant will just lift the serotonin level in your brain and lift the darkness a bit without turning you into a zombie .

 

Please dont look around and think everyone is living the dream ... behind closed doors it is seldom the dream we think it is .. I have just turned 48 and honestly thought I would have a man stood by my side being a family with my daughter ...I wouldn't have predicted that I would be on the nets lonely heart forum wondering where it all went wrong !!

 

I am sorry I havent been able to give you any solid advice of how to turn your life around .. but in a way you already are ..you just dont feel it ...remove the distaste for yourself about living with your parents and having nothing ..honestly ..it is nothing to be ashamed of ..you are doing what you can , ie school ..to progress in life .

 

You put years into healing someone else and walked away lonely .. no wonder you feel like this .

32 is young .. for us ladies I admit we start to hear the tickings of the bio clock , but at 32 you are fine ..you have time enough to get round to all that honestly ..*hugs*

[haliescharlie]

You sacrificed your own happiness to better the life of another; an addict. While it is a noble act, it doesn't help you. You should have left this man a long time ago and focused on finding someone who you didn't need to support so heavily. You tried to change this man, which you should never do, unless if you want to sacrifice your own happiness. To be honest, I'm not surprised your life took a turn for the worst after helping this guy recover. These stories typically end this way. Heroin is especially hard to come off of. It takes a lot of money, time, and support from other people (usually affecting them negatively), but ultimately it comes from within. It was this guy who helped himself recover, not you, sadly to say. Addicts don't recover due to another person, they recover for themselves. Sure, you supported him during this time, though you sacrificed a lot which you shouldn't have done.

 

We like to say we save people from such an unfortunate fate as drug addiction, but really they save only themselves while bringing everyone around them in a downward spiral, on the road to recovery. My advice to you would be to continue your education, get a stable job you can support yourself with, move out of your parents, then find a man who is someone you don't want to change. Find a man who has all the qualities you want in a partner right from the get go. A relationship should better your life, not worsen it if it's a good one. Sure, there are the hard times, but you should be able to work them out if it's meant to be, which means both partners are willing.

 

Don't go searching for a man to change, search for a man you don't want to change. That is the base of your problems. You got nothing out of that relationship with that guy, except that it was a noble act in which you sacrificed everything for.

[RainyCoast]

Hi Rihanna, I'm Rainy Overlyanalytical Coast

 

I paused on your thread because...it strikes home.

 

The Schism. You sacrificed because you're a good person but then hey, you forgot yourself so it was unhealthy so you're camping by The Gorge between "It's what a good person does" and "It's codependence/Stockholm syndrome and whatnot". And yes, I had my little teepee there too (twice actually).

So the doubts, guilt trips..."was I just being good or was I knowingly a victim"...

Meh. While it's clearly unhealthy to sacrifice to the point of landing yourself in ruins as someone else above has stated I also think things aren't always so clear cut. I had an abusive mum, right. So six moths ago she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Growing up she trained me into putting up with abuse, a now ex saw the chance and seized it and that was the second time i found myself in an unhealthy relationship. Anyway, that was a long time ago, back to dying mum. I got the news and immediately left everything, my life, my town, my job, everything and ran to her. Sure I didn't forget she was abusive. And yet I wanted to be there, hold her hand, help out and escort her on her final journey. Six months I was her sole caregiver 24/7. I guess I don't have to tell you abusers aren't any less abusive on their deathbeds? Well, they're not.

On one hand, i was doing the only thing I could- supporting and helping her (more like slaving away cinderella style all the time-gag me with a spoon) her, while, at the same time running zig zag to escape her abusive blows. Was that co-dependence? Victim mentality? Stockholm syndome? Or just a display of the ability to forgive, to have compassion, mercy...even on those who aren't usually deemed worthy of it? not even my therapist can answer this one with certainty.

Get what I mean? So yeah, part of your behavior was irrational in that it was bad for you and you're now left with having to build everything from scratch (same here. lame boat to be in, I admit). But can you really ascribe it all to unhealthy relationship dynamics? Is compassion ALWAYS the same as co-dependence just because it was exhibited by a woman who is prone to denying her own needs? I would say no. And i spend a great deal of time thinking about it myself too.

 

 

about being low...i don't find it surprising. but then it seems i'm easily depressed myself. Your experience was traumatic so it takes quite some time to get over the trauma. I don't think you're supposed to be smiling like an idiot when you've suffered a blow, you know? Happiness is the norm in this society but is life shaped and molded into an environment that can guarantee it'll never hurt or test or depress you? The heck it is if you ask me. I still have flashbacks and ptsd from both times I camped at The Gorge I do take an antidepressant. This is recent as I've been reluctant about meds as well. Basically during a visit at my docs office i was telling her about how terribly low and anxiety overcome i was feeling and i noticed i kept talking on and on and on...and i said to her something to the effect i know i'm rambling here and you have other patients too but the deal is I'm afraid to walk out the door. I'm afraid because I no longer trust that once I leave this office my legs won't take me back to mum's place but rather to the tracks and I'll wait for the train to come and it'll be over. There and then I landed my self with the Rx and knew this time i'd take the bloody pills. Usually though, things were not quite so bad and I was able to deal with stuff successfully un-medicated. I felt up to it and did it. So yeah, I get why you wanna go clean and hopefully it won't get as bad as to requiring drugs but if it does post back, perhaps it'll ease your mind when the rest of us relate how we've been taking the whole sssri cuisine.

Do you have a therapist you could talk to? Insurance covers that where I am but if you'd have to pay I guess that would be a long shot. I did have a good gp at one point who monitored me through a very hard time and saw to it that I was able to leave an abusive modafocka and work on what got me there in the first place. helped heaps...

 

your situation otherwise- i agree with the others you should probably finish school and stay with your folks until then. I understand though you're not super excited about that and this isn't where you thought life would bring you. I didn't think I'd ever return to mum's place either but temporarily I did. Hopefully your parents are supportive.

 

Rihanna, anyone can land themselves in a mess but how we react is a very individual thing. Meaning, your reactions are not "wrong". There is no rule on how you're supposed to be feeling. I don't even think there is a rule about which are the right and wrong choices. You did your best. For someone, albeit someone unworthy perhaps, your best was literally life saving. The hardest part now honey is being as fanatically,unconditionally devoted to helping yourself. In the crux of this is a self esteem issue, you know that.

 

Can you...grant yourself approval?...you can obviously put in the necessary effort as you have for your ex. He, to you, was worth it. Are you worth it to you? To me, this is the scariest of all questions, still. I ask and answer it every day and the answer isn't always the same I'm not always quite there. I tell myself i just need to be there often enough to be able to make choices that don't exclude me from the benefits of what I'm about to do. Choices that include some basic human respect for me. I'm sometimes ashamed to admit I still struggle with that on bad days.

 

Maybe you won't be able to respect yourself full-blast at once, it's a step by step change. What has helped me was accepting that the choices I made in the past (e.g. hanging around an abusive guy when I should have fled straight away and the like) and the feelings I'm left with may be unpleasant and definitely less than ideal (du-uh, i know,i know) but they don't make me a bad person. I saw the best in people because i truly believe everyone deserves humane treatment. The realization that this everyone should have included me came later and that i can be compassionate but not overly-submissive, that loyalty should not turn into slavery...those are mental notes i still have to make on a daily basis.

 

Empathy is a slippery slope, isn't it Ri?

 

Wish I could offer a more practical solution. I see you're new here and am hoping you'll stick around, this place has helped me. Lots of wonderful,insightful people here, some tough loving too but always with heart. Even when I'm not posting and just "lurking" what others are up to it helps me put things in perspective and handle things better.

 

Sorry for the long post but I really wanted you to know you're not the only "mess" around. We're all kinda messy and we're wonderful, right?

 

Thinking of you, keep posting dear. HUGS!

[Rihanna]

Thank you so much for all your support... RainyCoast, I'm so sorry for the way your mum treated you ... Abuse in any form is not cool and you have such a beautiful heart to drop everything in your life and go look after your sick mother despite the way she treated you

 

Well, I'm feeling very lonely I can hardly wake up in the morning because although my brain wakes up I try as hard as I can to fall asleep again until my body aches in bed and gives up, that usually happens around noon ... I cried myself to sleep last night although that's really hard to do in my situation since not only I live back home with my mum but I actually share a bed with her too... this aches me because throughout my 9 year marriage I slept in my own bed alone and now instead of sharing a bed with a life partner/boyfriend/ husband - someone I can cuddle and be intimate with I'm sleeping next to my mother and her dog! So where can I burst out in tears? What time? I often try to let it out while taking a shower but it's not enough... Nothing beats one's own dark thoughts at night

 

I'm not excited about working at all! I don't have the energy to find work especially where I live and I've been spending so much money I'll go under broke in no time. Not only that, I bought myself a 7 night get away which will cost me in the $1000 mark just so I can get away from my life and cry somewhere safe enough to be unheard and unseen literally as well as figuratively speaking. To make things worse for my self esteem, I met some guy who was so keen on me that we introduced each other to each other's families then he went silent after few dates for no apparent reason. I'm not really sad that I lost 'him' but I feel more worthless that someone like him, someone I thought I could like would lose interest in me so quickly. I can't see how life will get better? I can't see how I will fall in love and have the 'normal' things in life, I'm not asking for the sky I'm just asking for the normal things before time passes me by

[Rihanna]

Thank you so much for all your support... RainyCoast, I'm so sorry for the way your mum treated you ... Abuse in any form is not cool and you have such a beautiful heart to drop everything in your life and go look after your sick mother despite the way she treated you

 

Well, I'm feeling very lonely I can hardly wake up in the morning because although my brain wakes up I try as hard as I can to fall asleep again until my body aches in bed and gives up, that usually happens around noon ... I cried myself to sleep last night although that's really hard to do in my situation since not only I live back home with my mum but I actually share a bed with her too... this aches me because throughout my 9 year marriage I slept in my own bed alone and now instead of sharing a bed with a life partner/boyfriend/ husband - someone I can cuddle and be intimate with I'm sleeping next to my mother and her dog! So where can I burst out in tears? What time? I often try to let it out while taking a shower but it's not enough... Nothing beats one's own dark thoughts at night

 

I'm not excited about working at all! I don't have the energy to find work especially where I live and I've been spending so much money I'll go under broke in no time. Not only that, I bought myself a 7 night get away which will cost me in the $1000 mark just so I can get away from my life and cry somewhere safe enough to be unheard and unseen literally as well as figuratively speaking. To make things worse for my self esteem, I met some guy who was so keen on me that we introduced each other to each other's families then he went silent after few dates for no apparent reason. I'm not really sad that I lost 'him' but I feel more worthless that someone like him, someone I thought I could like would lose interest in me so quickly. I can't see how life will get better? I can't see how I will fall in love and have the 'normal' things in life, I'm not asking for the sky I'm just asking for the normal things before time passes me by

[RainyCoast]

oh god all of what you say is so painfully true. you share a bed with mum. i remember before my mum was hospitalized and i was with her (her place is tiny. i did have my own bed at least.) and what bothered me was I had no place to cry. i then read an interview with patients dying in palliative care wards and although most said the wards were nice one did say she just wished for a place she could be alone for long enough to have a good cry. heart wrenching Your mum is good to you, right? I bet she understands you're feeling broken, if you burst into tears would she hug you? That could help some. a little bit maybe? you know my mum had problems but she wasn't abusive 24/7 and especially the last couple of years she calmed down so i do have memories of her holding and supporting me. they are few, but they're there and they'll be precious when she leaves this world. It's highly uncomfortable now, being at your parents. But when they're older and saying goodbye you're heart will beam with the memories you guys shared when the going got tough, when you stuck together like a family.

 

Depression will make one want to sleep to escape life and suck so much life out of you you literally can't get out of bed. This is so true. Sometimes shaking up the routine works, sometimes being monitored by a gp helps, sometimes new activities will take the edge off and other times...i would have no clue because there have been times nothing but an antidepressant got me out of bed.

 

your mum has a dog, do you like animals? Would it help if you walked the dog regularly? They say the best therapist has fur and four legs

 

you'll notice as you skim through the threads a lot of us (thirties especially) are feeling totally down over not yet having the life thirty-somethings should be having.

we're so wired to finally live a normal life, as if we don't, we haven't earned the air we breathe. but firstly, what is normal? after a good look around the realization that most people are heavily messed up in some department is quite pacifying. I always expected the pass to adulthood would come in the form of career or pregnancy, my first own apartment or something. and then it came in the form of tales "I've had this sh*T happen and that s**t happen and If you need to talk about the sh*t happening to you call me anytime". Pacifying to know you're not the only one but depressing because it gets you wondering how much more crap there will be along the way. More?? Oh lord no, we're done, is what i think. But there will be crappy, really really crappy periods in life.

Three things I've learned this time around as a caregiver

-ask for help. ask anyone. and if they can't help you ask them to spread the word to trustworthy people and maybe someone else can help. It'll be a safety net. A few weeks into it and someone will call to say hey i know this great pro bono therapist, someone will say i heard of a way you can get financial help and someone will say i'll come pick you up and you'll stay at my place for a couple of hours so you can catch a breather and have a good cry (this actually happened to me). Even if you don't know anyone there and you just know your parents' friends and acquaintances. in my case i got support mostly from my mother's ex co-workers. and doctor, ask a doctor too. they'll probably want to see you one a week so you can get a sense of security by being monitored, it helps somewhat, it helped me. I also think you could be suffering from burn-out. I think you should really tell your doc how exhausting this period in life has been because you may be more than just depressed. they might wanna check your adrenals and your thyroid perhaps. Stress will take a toll on these things and maybe all you need is besides the support is a package of bioidentical hormones. Worth looking into.

do you have any childhood friends there you could call as well?

I also found a good social worker at the regional hospital, she's full of tips and great advice and helped me get mum to be cared for in an institution when I could no longer handle it as the disease progressed and she's also in charge of her hospic admission in case the hospital wants to discharge mum. Practical stuff like that takes a heavy load of your back, I'm sure they could come up with some idea how to help you get back up.

-it's okay to press pause. it gets too much. and you need a rest. go on that get away. i understand being worried about the cost and perhaps next time someone can lend you their summerhouse for the weekend or offer to stay at their place or something to that effect. get some rest and privacy.

-you can do more than you think. you're too tired to even get up. I can relate. But honey when you cared for your husband, were you too tired? I could bet my pathetic little arse you were dead tired and toiled away on and off nevertheless!! Same as I did for mum. I would NEVER go the lengths I've gone to fer her for my self. I bet you would never care for yourself like you did for your ex. This is our saddest mistake I think and this is why i said it all has to do with self esteem. I think if we thought ourselves half as deserving as we thought them we'd be jumping out of bed furious, demanding another and another and another appointment at the doc's office and shamelessly pressure a social worker into granting us free housing by simply being so obnoxious the poor woman would give in just to be rid of us. I've seen people do that. I thought it distasteful. Still do. There's more pleasant ways. But the point is, they're doing it because to them, they matter that much.

That's the crappy part and the hardest. A pill can help me perk up but it can't help me love myself. At the end of the day, this is where we'll all need the most help and time to heal. I mean, you can function without loving yourself but it's like driving with only three wheels on the car-you'd prefer four.

Selflove is probably the hardest for everyone. Is this helping you or am I just depressing you further with my rambling? Come back anytime you want to talk.

Take care girl. You're so pure, devoted and loving. The thought of you embracing yourself like you do others is thrilling, in an excellent way! You'll get there!

[Rihanna]

Hello RainyCoast, looks like I've made a good friend here there's a happy thought...

 

On the other hand. NO. My mother is not the loving huggy type and she'll probably get confused if she saw me crying and start lecturing me instead. She knows however how to show full emotions to her dog. Also NO, I don't know anyone who cares enough to help me with anything and i've tried. Everyone I know is living a life based on 'perception'- each wears a mask and performs their life to impress others. I don't fit in (thankfully). And NO, I don't have my childhood friends here anymore and everyone has moved on and has ample responsibilites with life, family careers kids etc... things I don't have and they think me as a waste of time. No, I wouldn't dare take my mum's dog for a walk too much responsibility, I can't even talk to the dog without 'hurting his feelings' like he truly 'understands and hangs on every word I say' (genius dog he must be!) I'm glad you had some help with ex coworkers, social workers and docs etc... I've been to the doctors, quite a few of them, and they're there to cash in more than anything. I haven't seen a doctor that didn't sit behind his/her desk in front of a computer in years! Gone are the days where doctors would actually look the patient in the eye and do some tests... how sad!

 

Also, to add to my misery and my decreasing self-esteem I was blown off by some guy I met few months ago. I'm so embarrassed that he came to my house for dinner and visited my home on multiple occasions then completely vanished. Why would anyone do such a horrible thing? His messages were full of promises 'I will call you tomorrow!x' 'I will catch up with you during the week xx' but none did happen. I deleted him of course and I don't really care that much for him that's not the point. The point is he didn't do my self esteem any favor. I'm disappointed. Again! ... yet another disappointment in my life as if being in my thirties with no career,no home, no family no money isn't disappointing enough that I have had to put up with this sh*t on top of everything I'm going through. I feel like texting him on xmas to wish him merry xmas and thank him for being 'a cool friend' what do you think? I just don't want him to think I was interested in more than a friendship and that he had the upperhand of rejecting me, this way I'll leave him for good but I want to tell him that I thought of him as a friend no more so he can stick his rejection towards me up his a**... excuse my language haha!

 

Thank you for your support and good advice. I hope you're working through your issues as gracefully as you've been with me ... you really are a kind soul! I must go now and hopefully get a good crying session before my mum and her dog come to bed ... keep in touch, thanks for everything

[Rihanna]

I can't breathe... I honestly CAN NOT breathe. I feel extremely lonely and unwanted

[RainyCoast]

Ri, you there? Hang in there girl, sending hugs and good vibes your way