Death in the exes Family.. dont know what to do - UPDATE

[MisUnderstood9]

***UPDATE***

 

I decided to be a bigger person and contact my ex to have a discussion with him on his thoughts before I made any decision myself. My fiance and I both thought this was a good idea since if mediation goes well, my ex and I will have to have these and other kinds of discussions in the future.. so I sent him my condolences and asked what his view on Memphis going to the funeral was.

 

His response was, "I don't want him there. I dont want him seeing everything sad and crying and being in a place like that and being all confused and I just dont want to have to deal with it."

 

I told him, okay thats understandable I wouldnt want to put him through something like that either and if he didnt want him to go he didnt have too. I asked him if he wanted to help explain it to our son what happened sometime before Christmas so that at Christmas he isnt confused as to where his Great Grandpa is and things like that. Well he SNAPPED on me, call me a moron for even suggesting telling a 5 year old about death and that its bad for his development and I cant believe I would put him through that, Im a horrible mother, his grandfather hated me because I would pull crap like this all the time and do things that hurts my sons development (which is not true at all, Ive had many many discussions with his grandfather) blah blah blah blah.

 

I kept as calm as I possibly could while on the phone and just replied with, well he's going to wondering where he is at Christmas when he's with you and your family.. I'd rather we explain it him before so he doesnt say something at Christmas and upsets your grandma or something when it is already going to be a hard day for her to get through. He just kept snapping and snapping calling me names and everything over the phone I had to hang up on him because if I didnt my fiance would of snapped with the things he was saying.

 

I don't think I was being unreasonable. I was being very calm for how much nasty things he was saying to me. I get this is a hard time for him but, this is something that is going to need to be addressed before Christmas, I guess I could of maybe picked a better time to ask about it like in a week or something but, I wasnt looking to set a time or when or discuss what or how we should do explain it, I was just looking for a simple yes I would like to help or no I'd rather not be there for that. But, instead as always he freaks out and says nasty things towards me for no reason.

 

I seriously do not see this mediation attempt on the 11th going well at all if he freaks out like this whenever we ever try to discuss anything.

[Seraphim]

Well ,he doesn't know one thing about childhood development apparently because he thinks he can just walk in and out of the child's life whenever he feels like it.

 

Personally, I would just explain it to your son.

[Clinton]

Unfortunately you have a dysfunctional divorce. No matter what you do he probably won't think it's right. If it was me, I'd take a bit of time to think it through and then go with your gut. Just realize that you'll probably get crap for it. Best of luck

[MisUnderstood9]

Well ,he doesn't know one thing about childhood development apparently because he thinks he can just walk in and out of the child's life whenever he feels like it.

 

Personally, I would just explain it to your son.

 

This was my exact thought when he said the development comment to me but I bit my tongue because 1. my son was in the next room and I didnt want him to over hear me and 2. I am trying really really really hard to control my reactions towards him so that they are not a emotional reaction and more of a logical reaction so that I dont slip up on mediation and say something that could damage my case if it has to brought infront of a judge.

[Seraphim]

Years ago people actually had their dead loved one laid out in their living room for the wake. My grandmother remembers her mother laid out in the casket in their living room. My grandmother was five or six at the time. She went on to be a functional, living breathing human being. Death is a part of life and how children perceive it is how we deal with it. Yes ,it is very sad of course. But if people make it a big horrific ordeal that is how the child will perceive it. But if you make it a chance to say goodbye and celebrate that person's life and make it an understanding that life comes to an end but that is not horrific ,that's how a child will perceive it. It is all in how you treat the situation. As I said I took my son to his great grandmother's funeral when he was four and he even saw her in the open casket. He was not horrified and he was not traumatized because I didn't deal with it in that fashion. I even took him to see her in the hospital when she was in a coma so he could say goodbye. He gave her kisses and a hug and told her goodbye. And she even realized that he was there because she started to cry. And I felt it was a critical moment for the both of them. And as I said it didn't scar him at all he has no bad memories of her passing.

[Seraphim]

Also look up online grieving stages for children because children do not grieve in the same way that adults do. So your ex maybe coming at it from an adult perspective and not a child's perspective.

 

I looked up grieving stages for children when my son lost his brother. He was far more upset about losing a sibling he never met then people he actually knew.

 

He has also since lost his great-grandfather two years ago. And he handled that with a very particular grace. Mind you he was 15 at the time. But I think what helped is how I handle things when he was young and of our own particular belief system.

[MisUnderstood9]

The funeral isnt even like a traditional funeral. His great grandpa was cremated so its not like there will be an open casket or something along those lines that could be considered tramatizing...

 

Before I discussed it with my ex, I was actually going to allow my son to go. I was going to let his cousin take my son to the funeral and before hand me and her explain to him where he was going and that he'll see people like his Aunt and Uncle and Pepa crying and upset but that they weren't sad tears but happy ones because his great grandpa is no longer going to be in pain and that this is a natural thing of life and that his Great Grandpa is now in Heaven.

 

My son visited his great grandpa when he was in hospital with the cancer also, several times actually. He asked questions like what the tubes were and how sick he was and if they were giving him medicine and things like that and my son was not tramatized by it. I don't really see what the big deal is about him going or what my exes problem is. I am assuming he is saying no for his selfish reasons for not "wanting to deal with it" instead of using it as an experience to help our son learn a natural way of life.

 

Seriously wish he wasnt such an ass, almost all of my sons great grandparents are all still alive (all in their late 70s or early 80s) so he's going to have quite of bit of funerals to deal with in his future either way.

[Seraphim]

Then this is all your ex being an ass not wanting to deal with his son's questions.

[HeWhoIs]

I know this is well past the funeral date, but I'm going to add my comment in case someone else reads this and wants to know what to do.

 

My 13-year-old died in 2011. My nephew, who was 14 at the time, still can't drive on the road that goes past the church where we had the funeral.

 

My daughter (the one who is now deceased) went to the funeral for the wife of her uncle when she was about 11, and couldn't stand it.

 

At another, a 5-year-old was really excited to be able to scatter his father's ashes. Although a 5-year-old is in a naive cognitive state, this boy is well aware today that his father died, frequently talks to his grandfather about him, and asks his grandfather a lot of questions about him.

 

At my grandfather's funeral, some of the very young grandchildren wanted to touch his hand to see what it was like to touch a dead body.

 

Funerals are powerful events. While some kids are unaffected, others are. Think it through, and think about your child carefully. Also, consider the age of the child and his/her relationship to the deceased. The best thing you can do is get your child to meet with a therapist first (or priest or guidance counselor, etc.) if the deceased was close to him or her.