Coping with ex's who have new partners

[MStowe]

HI there,

 

Apologies I'll try to keep this brief as I'm sure my story is much like everyone's here.

 

My ex and I broke up yet continued hanging out for some time. We had always talked about getting back together however it never really happened. I went overseas and bought him gifts / talked a lot yet a few weeks after I was back I noticed things were different, and despite my repeated questioning my ex assured me he had not moved on with anyone else.

 

We were having breakfast one day and a text appeared and it was from someone else. I knew what was happening and my ex explained they had been 'hanging out' and it was nothing serious.

 

Fast forward a few weeks and I saw them having dinner together and that pretty much ended things between us. We did have a very calm rational conversation and I wished him all the best, whatever he ends up doing.

 

I did however have an important work function relating to a project he helped me with and I asked him to attend as it meant a lot to me. He showed up before it started and I knew he had other plans. It turned out he was spending the day with his new interest (thanks Facebook!)

 

We had a couple of fights, including him wanting to see me and talk but when I asked when we would catch up he changed his mind. He indicated he was having a hard time dealing with it. We never ended up catching up, because mostly he then kept putting it off (due to being with new interest).

 

As per the above I was the one who initially asked for no contact, and this really helped me feel strong and rational. But the subsequent arguments meant he was the one that had the final word around no contact. I feel pretty disappointed this was taken from me.

 

I just went outside my house and saw him accross the street kissing and hugging his new interest (despite him saying there was nothing serious going on). He didn't know I saw them but this was one of the worst things i could have seen. I immediately went inside and started to grab all his possessions (quite irrational behaviour!)

 

Does anyone have any advice in what to do when you live in an area where you will consistently bump into your ex, and highly likely as I did, with their new partner? The no contact was hard and I was so close to breaking it before this, yet when I see them together I'm beside myself. Is there any advice someone could offer in coping with seeing this sort of thing? The emptiness and coping is hard enough but this adds a whole new layer!

 

Thank you and sorry for rambling.

[ojk85]

I had a recent break up and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I saw my ex in the arms of someone else. You are one brave human being, maybe you should take a holiday out of town, if it's too uncomfortable then maybe you should think about moving? Other than that, as time passes, eventually it will be better, sadly there's no short cut, I'm sorry to hear about your mishaps, good luck to you.

[1a1a]

You have to get back out there and rediscover your identity, independent from him. Call your friends, catch up for coffee or bowling or shopping or live music or whatever it is you bond over. Call your mum if you like her (or any other family members you're close to). Do something to further your career, take up a new social hobby, get enough sleep and eat well. The usual cliched stuff but it bears repeating. You want to get to a point where your life is so full of the fun things you like to do, and people you like to see, that you feel nothing when you see him.

[larthur1]

You didn’t state how long you were together?

 

Dealing with a partner that’s moved on so soon is always hard, seeing it in your face be that in the flesh or over social media only makes it harder. Questions like; how much could I have meant to them to have moved on so soon? How emotionally deep must they be? Betrayal. Hurts.

 

In my experience though its either.

 

1 They are emotionally shallow. What you had that meant so much to you, didn’t and likely would never mean as much to them.

2 They are actually very deep and are running/hiding from the grief.

 

The upside. If it’s the first, it’s not your loss and you will find someone that feels like you and you should pity them that they will never understand or feel the depth of feelings you have. Or if it’s the later, there is no running, only delaying. And at some point those feelings and emotions are going to erupt like giant volcano gone bonkers. This is when “what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow and karma” come into play. You see whilst you have been suffering and hurting, healing and mourning healthily over a time, they get it all at once and then have my favourite devices of karma on top to deal with, guilt and regret.

 

My advice is not to wait for it to come, or hope. It will or it won’t, what you can control is your life. for tat over who got the last word won’t mean a damn in a years’ time but what will is that you will have retained your integrity and honour and can look at yourself in the mirror. The best weapon you can muster is to live your life, it’s hard, but fake it until its real. When you sit there brewing over him/relationship/her, change your thought pattern and start making plans for your life. Whether that be new clothes, new style. New hobbies. A holiday. Making an appointment with friends. This is YOUR time now, do what you want! If you don’t like it, then at least you know you don’t like it.

 

Good luck and I know everyone says it and it’s hard to believe but it does get better! My ex of 5 years who I wanted to marry and have kids with pulled a GIGS on me. I felt like my soul had died and I read what people had said “it get better with time” and thought, how can it. But now it has, I have my moments but that’s all they are. Moments. In a life time you have plenty of those and after this you will be stronger and even grateful you had the chance to grow because of this, think what would you have done if you had stayed together?

[MStowe]

Ojk thank you very much for the support. That's lovely of you. And 1a1a that makes sense. I made the stupid mistake of hanging around for a second so saw way too much.

 

larthur1 we were together for three years. And what you say makes complete sense. I understand and have been trying to do that, and as you say I guess its faking it because in the interim those things are not really bringing any sort of pleasure. What makes it all harder is the new partner is someone I know well, and have worked with in the past. And they're known for not being a nice person. So I sit here shocked and numbed by the situation when I perceived my partner to be so in love with me, kind and caring.

 

He was the one that originally relentlessly pursued me and I always thought we would be together. So this is all just such a shock.

 

I'm going to try and stay rational and not let this get the better of me.

[MStowe]

larthur1 when you say they may be running from the grief (and I get your point about the fact it doesn't matter), do you think this can be the case when they appear and act so into someone else?

[larthur1]

Im going to call it. He's going to blow up!

 

If this person ins't nice and knew you (which means they obviously aren't very nice if they can jump straight in with your ex), that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and very, very foolish on both their parts (take pleasure that you are no fool!). Either he is going to blow up end of honeymoon and she will be casually thrown aside (karma!) or she will screw him over (true to character) and then he will blow up from rejection. Life has a viscous sense of humour but also balance.

 

Fake it! I know how you feel. Empty, hurt, suffering and lonely. The next 6 months are going to suck for you I won’t lie. But don’t rush it! Mourn and hurt, it’s YOUR pain after all. Get it out of your system and then move on when you’re ready, that way your next relationship stands a chance, you won’t get hurt and will be a strong well rounded person with a ton of experience because unlike your fool of an ex, your analysing and learning from this. Rather than burying your head in the sand and remaining ignorant for the rest of your life. Greatness attracts it’s like, so the next one will be a winner.

 

Good luck to you, I would love to give you a hug

[larthur1]

larthur1 when you say they may be running from the grief (and I get your point about the fact it doesn't matter), do you think this can be the case when they appear and act so into someone else?

 

I would argue its even more the case lol. Fake relationships are like fire with no fuel. Big, bright but become nothing but hot air in a heartbeat. Pity those that do this.

[Apples18]

I was in a relationship for over 4 years and when we broke up, he started seeing someone completely opposite of me with a lot of baggage-the girl is still married with a small child. I kept reminding myself it is a rebound, hes confused and not thinking and hes looking for support,even though its in the wrong direction, he needed her support. I kept reminding myself that he will hit rock bottom, their relationship will not last. And knowing that made me feel better in a way. You have to remind yourself that this girl has nothing compared to you and what you guys had over 3 years. Be the better person, hold strong and be confident, more so LOOK like the better person and be glad that hes in this relationship even though you arent glad. He will be completely thrown off by that. It wont last. Keep reminding yourself that to make yourself feel better. and go NC asap. look at the calendar and give yourself the date of 30 days from now and circle that date and STICK to it. No matter what.

[Telly986]

I am sorry, it must be a hard thing to deal with. I am going through the same thing but fortunately my ex and I live 4 hours away so I don't have to worry about running into him etc. However ,it doesn't make it any easier knowing that he is with someone else. He even told me that he really likes her and it hurt hearing that. We broke up because of the distance and neither of us was at point in our lives where we were ready to move closer to each other. So it was inevitable that one of us was going to meet someone closer. It sucks

[MStowe]

))))))))))))))))))))))))

[MStowe]

The hardest thing about this is actually convincing myself it is a rebound because I guess deep down I can never be sure. When I saw them all over each other down the street it looked like they were very into each other, stopping every two seconds to kiss and hug.

 

I guess that could be a sign though of something that will be initially strong but die rather quickly.

 

In my attempt to go NC before he asked to see me again, he sent me a text after saying that he loved me very much. So you can understand how confusing this new relationship is to me. I've taken his desire to have NC as wanting to focus on a new relationship thats important to him, but guess I could be wrong?

[MStowe]

larthur1 thank you so very much, you're too kind. I hope so much that theres something in what you say around it burning bright and dying quickly. Apples your advice makes sense too. I guess its hard when what I saw to me looked like a couple in a new love walking down the street stopping every two seconds for hugs and kisses. I guess there could be more appropriate places than my street lol.

 

When I attempted to go NC he was in tears ... and sent a follow up text saying he loved me so much. It's so confusing!

 

I have all his things in a pile on my floor and I know the irrational thing would be to dump them at his door and trying very hard to resist and maintain dignity.