Messaged out of the blue after 4 months NC as if we are friends. What to do?

[staypositive1]

Hello everyone.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me without giving any explanation 4 months ago. Literally NC for the whole time as I knew this was the only way for me to get through this. We had a good relationship overall - no fights, lots of passion, we laughed together...

 

Anyways, last night I get a message from him saying: "Hey, just wanted to get some news from you, but I was not sure whether you want to hear from me. I will give it a shot. How have you been?..." and the message goes on about how he is doing.

 

I am not sure what to make of this. is it a friendly message checking how I am or is he trying to re-establish contact?

 

I do love him, but I am not up for being friends or for general chit chat. Should I give it a shot and reply?

 

thank you for your advice

[mk89]

Hi

 

What people choose to do can have multiple explanations, excuses or reasoning. No one but him truly knows what his intentions are. What you need to do is know the difference between what is good for you and what feels good in the moment. If talking to him will make you feel better in the long run then go for it, but it's a risk.

 

Do what is best for you... sounds a bit like he just wants some attention and possibly might be feeling guilty or lonely.

[panther]

Sorry, I would not bother replying to someone who left me without any explanation.

And you are not ready to be friends, so there is your answer.

 

Maybe he met someone else and it didn't work out so that is why he is contacting you again.

[Cailinsona]

I've been reading these fora for the past year following a break up very similar to yours. This is my first posting on here.

 

I was completely blind sided just like you and my ex didn't respond to my initial attempts to contact him for an explanation. It was incredibly tough.

 

The hardest part wasn't the actual breaking up- I completely accept that it takes two people to want to make a relationship work and if one party wants out, then so be it- it was the not knowing why it had occurred that I really struggled with.

 

I went NC and told myself that the actual reason for the break up didn't matter- all that really mattered was that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I tried my hardest to move on and just when I was beginning to feel back to my normal self, he contacted me ten months after he left.

 

His first contact was just like the one you received. A "Hey, how are you? I'd really like to know how you are? I'm tentative to contact you after all this time, but I'd really like to hear from you".

 

I followed all the advice I have been reading on here for the past year and ignored all his attempts at contact for the first month. He made greater and greater efforts to reach out, and long story short, eventually admitted that he wanted to try again. We are currently chatting, he has explained his reasons for leaving...and who knows what may happen next...

 

Although I was very wary about letting my guard down after what happened, talking to him has really helped me to finally get a reason for the break up. I can honestly say that I feel like a weight has been lifted and I feel emotionally free for the first time in a long time. So for me, it was worth responding.

 

Only you can decide if the same is true in your case- but I would wait it out to see what he will do next. Time reveals everything

[staypositive1]

God this sounds just like me. I was a mess for the last 3 months and then 2 weeks ago I decided I cannot do this anymore, that the reason didnt matter and that I should just move on. I was actually sitting at home and deleting all of his pictures off my phone, when this message came through. And it was so unexpected.

I want to reply to see what is actually happening, but how do you reply to a messge like this? Someone breaks your heart - are you expected to stay friendly and say you are doing good?

I am not angry anymore, I actually think I started letting go, but how do I reply without coming accross as cold and not wanting anything to do with him?

[Cailinsona]

I chose not to reply to that type of message.

 

All the advice I read on here was to wait for him to say something more substantial.

 

Time is your best friend.

 

If he is just fishing, curious, lonely etc. he won't try very hard if you don't respond.

 

If he is serious, he will keep persisting until you respond.

 

Don't make it easy for him -after all he didn't make it easy for you when he left so abruptly, without a word....

 

I didn't believe the whole 'they come back just when you've moved on', but I do now

[aprilster]

Really, how is it that guys have this radar that seems to go off as soon as you feel a little bit better after being treated like sh** by them? It's quite a phenomenon... My advice would also be to wait out a little and see if he's serious or just bored. And don't get back with him unless he offers a pretty good explanation for his behavior! I feel like sometimes they just kind of want to test their market value... Sorry for being so negative, but I guess I've just heard too many of these kind of stories...

[Shane Falco]

I vote no on responding. It's likely just a breadcrumb born out of boredom or temporary curiosity. If you have to ask about it (especially the way you are, as you are trying to get a strategy to manipulate a certain result), you shouldn't answer it. If it is something more serious, you not answering won't affect anything negatively -- if anything, it might make him take you more seriously and come more correct and direct. But no, I wouldn't answer.