Do people ever COMPLETELY change?

[arrowbee]

I'm feeling very hopeless right now because wherever I go and whatever I do, my personality always goes with me. I hate my personality - I hate the way I talk, the way I think, I hate my obsessive eye for detail, I hate my "sense of humor", I hate the way stupid stuff just pops out of my mouth, I hate the attacks of shyness I sometimes get, I hate my weird hand gestures and facial tics. I hate my tastes, and most of all I hate how self-critical I always am. Is it possible for someone's personality to completely change? I feel like the only way I can keep on living is if I somehow find a way to cut loose my current personality and get a new one.

[arrowbee]

whats so bad about all those things? you can change but the changes arent perminant. a few months down the road you'd just relapse into them again. aint nothign wrong with the way you are now.

 

I hate those things because I have always hated them. For as long as I can remember, even when I was five and six years old, I have had this little private cult of self-hatred. I want so badly for everything to change, because if it doesn't, I'm in danger of doing something truly self-destructive.

[SkyFire]

Sonic, you are wrong. "Nothing wrong with the way you are now" is a self excuse for not wanting to improve. I dont believe in this "THIS IS WHO I AM" stuff.

 

Yes, you can change permanently. I am living proof.

 

The thing is though... for example, you cant your clothes and get a new haircut and expect to become a stud. The change has to happen inside your head. You must completely forget your old way of thinking, and find a new, better one.

[Balthamos]

Can a person change completely? No I don't think so. You can go through drastic changes, and yes, they can be permanent, but you can't completely change everything about yourself. I think though, that instead of working to change the things you hate, you first work on the general self-loathing.

 

I think that SkyFire is not quite right in his understanding of hating. Saying there's noting wrong with your life when there are problems is very different from hating yourself. I know that there are things I need to improve on, but I don't hate myself because of them. It's okay to acknoweledge that you have flaws and weaknesses and to try to overcome them without hating yourself. So I think you should try to work on not hating yourself so much first, and then look critically at the things you don't like (all those things you listed) and figure out why you don't like them. Then slowly, you can work on changing those things you think are the biggest problelms. Going through any kind of change is a long, hard process, but with patience and persistance you can make the changes that you really think are important.

[quidproquo]

I'm with sonic101 & Balthamos. People don't change; they only reveal who they really are. So, try as you might, you can disguise the surface but later down the road, you'll reveal yourself.

 

You hate the way you talk or think – why? Do you talk negatively or think cruelly about others? Some people would love to have your obsessive eye for detail – detectives, designers or builders for instance. Do you hate your sense of humor because no one laughs? So what? At least you can still have something to joke or make light about. It's always healthy to have a good laugh. And, ok, so you say the wrong things at the wrong time – I do it all the time but knowing so is the first step to improving the saying "think before you talk." What tastes do you dislike? Who are you trying to impress – others or yourself?Are these personality "defects" affecting your life: can't get a job, car, girlfriend? How are your hand gestures 'weird' – are you throwing gang signs? Facial tics are normal in a selection of people – it's acquired during childhood, when you have no control. I'm sure your shyness and tics go hand in hand but if people can't get past that, they need to grow up. Do you interact with a number of people - at your work maybe? That might help with your shyness. If you really want "to find a way to cut loose [your] current personality," do something about it not just mope around and finding further reasons to hate yourself.

 

---

Take it easy, life's only stressful if you make it so.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

 

Where does the hatred of urself comes? Is it people cannot accept what u are? Or are u finding that u can be much better than now?

 

What is permanent in life is change. Does this answer ur question?

 

Thanks for reading..

[arrowbee]

You hate the way you talk or think – why? Do you talk negatively or think cruelly about others?

 

Not really. When I was a kid I had a psychiatrist tell me I had an "unusual" mind. I make connections other people don't necessarily make. There just seems to be more garbage in my head than in most peoples.

 

Do you hate your sense of humor because no one laughs? So what? At least you can still have something to joke or make light about. It's always healthy to have a good laugh.

 

That's just it - EVERYONE laughs. Years ago I started telling jokes as a defense mechanism in awkward situations, and now I can't stop. Sometimes I tell jokes without even knowing it. I *am* a joke. When people are laughing at you 90% of the time, it's easy for them to forget that you have feelings or that you want their respect.

 

What tastes do you dislike? Who are you trying to impress – others or yourself?

 

My tastes in music, art, literature and politics are SO different from anyone else my own age that I have trouble finding things to talk about with people.

 

Are these personality "defects" affecting your life: can't get a job, car, girlfriend?

 

Yes, yes and yes. I haven't earned a dime in eight months or been on a date in nearly as long. I've lived in this city for 17 months and so far I haven't made any "friends" here yet, except for the people I do favours for. There is something about me that disgusts almost everyone I meet, but I can't figure out what it is. Maybe it's the sum of everything.

[quidproquo]

Hi arrowbee!

 

I'm beginning to understand more and more of where you're coming from. Your biggest change and reason for self loath is your move to a new environment. And the only garbage in your head are your current views about yourself.

 

"My tastes in music, art, literature and politics are SO different from anyone else my own age that I have trouble finding things to talk about with people."

 

Are you interested in befriending someone who doesn't share your interests? Use your 'connections' to connect with others. You can learn from each other. Well, if not and you know that people within your age group doesn't have similar tastes, find people within the age group you KNOW have similar views. Kind of a 'duh' huh? I know it's easier said than done though.

 

Do you chat online - it's easier to talk to people when you're not face to face. And before you submit a joke about yourself, you can select & delete. Are you going to school? And you mentioned that you haven't earned a dime in 8 months - how dedicated are you in trying? How did you obtain jobs in the past...maybe you can apply those skills. Makes sense that if you don't have a job, you won't have a car right - or $ to hang out and get the chance to get 2 know others. And regarding the whole girlfriend issue – you'll be rejected a number of times before you find the right one or someone. I'm beginning to learn that's a fact of life. However, do you feel ready for a relationship while you still have such strong doubts in yourself?

 

Why do you put your face out there for others to slap? You're so use to the negative self-criticism that you inadvertently seek for more. Do people really spit in your face by coming up and stating you're 'disgusting'? Or is that another of your perceptions? You're pretty smart in realizing that your sense of 'humor' is a defense mechanism so why can't you acknowledge this is a very self destructive path?

[arrowbee]

Quidproquo: First, thanks for bearing with me. You are about a million times more helpful than my shrink.

 

I am attending a university which I hate, taking classes that I hate, because my parents insist on it. I have not met anyone interesting or friendly through my classes. Everyone is either A) committed to studying, or B) committed to partying. I am not any of those, and I can't pretend to be.

 

What my parents don't understand is that they are just prolonging the inevitable - once I get my degree, I will still be too annoying and twitchy to ever get a job. Unless something changes, I will be "downwardly mobile" for the rest of my life. You know how parents are. They idolize you and refuse to see your flaws, even when being able to see them would help you.

 

My last job was stocking shelves at a grocery store. The owner makes a point of hiring the mentally ill because it's something he believes in. I don't consider myself "mentally ill" but he took me on anyway because he saw how much trouble I was having finding jobs elsewhere. Eventually I had to quit because the hours were interfering with my school schedule.

 

I have tried chatting online, and find that my conversations fizzle out online just as quickly as they do in real life.

 

We make a big deal about individuality in our society, but when you think objectively about it, people of our generation usually have a great deal in common with each other - you can break people down into a few broad groups, and for the most part, everyone in one group is compatible with everyone else in that group. When you meet someone who truly is "different", you know it right away. And the worst part is, the "different" people never seem to be compatible with each other.

[quidproquo]

*laugh, isn't it funny (actually not) that "different" people find each other "different"? So then they ostracize themselves further?

 

"more helpful than my shrink"

 

I did find it odd, but didn't want to say anything because I'm no expert, that your shrink called you "unusual" (or that your mind was). Well, duh - pyschology! But I'm sure they have some good advices for you. It's a matter of looking at them in a different light.

 

Wow, you've got something most people don't - loving parents! You talk to them about any of the things you chat with your psych? Anyhow, Your degree - does your career deal directly with people? Since you hate the courses you take - look into what interests you that doesn't directly involve people. You good at computers?

 

What's in between studying and partying at college? You don't like either so you'll do nothing?

[arrowbee]

Wow, you've got something most people don't - loving parents! You talk to them about any of the things you chat with your psych?

 

All the time. Almost every day. I keep them constantly up-to-date on how I'm doing. They never care. They have a plan for how my life is going to turn out - they've had such a plan since before I was born. My job is to fulfil that plan. But the plan is not going to work, and they are in denial about that.

 

Anyhow, Your degree - does your career deal directly with people? Since you hate the courses you take - look into what interests you that doesn't directly involve people.

 

I am currently majoring in linguistics. I hate it and find it meaningless, and the job prospects for linguistics majors are pretty close to zero. However, I chose it because I'm good at it. VERY good at it. It's my curse.

 

I'd rather not be studying at all. But I have no idea WHAT I would rather be doing.

 

You good at computers?

 

Actually no. I'm not a "gamer" or a "programmer". Computers are tools, not much else. Although I do frequently get mistaken for "one of those computer guys" because of my extreme awkwardness.

 

What's in between studying and partying at college? You don't like either so you'll do nothing?

 

I've been to my fair share of parties and find them boring and intimidating. Everyone is just so "on the ball". Nobody ever shows a shred of real emotion or vulnerability.

 

All I really do these days is go to class, eat, sleep, and go to class again. If it were up to me I'd just say to hell with classes and sleep 24 hours a day. I am so tired of facing me, of waking up every morning and looking down at my hands and coming to the horrifying realization that YES, I AM STILL ME.

[SkyFire]

If you dont like something about yourself, change it.

 

I used to be really scared of talking to girls. I used to have a monotonous voice. I used to hate music, now Im a musician. I used to be a slouching, skinny bastard with no sense of humor.

 

I changed the negative things about myself.

 

I can talk to any girl and not care about the outcome. I have a nice, deep voice now ( I taught myself how to sing). I went from 120 to about 137, and fixed my posture. I now know how to have fun with or without people, and take the best out of life.

 

I also got a completely new mentality on life in general. And no, those things are not just shells to cover myself. They are a part of me.

 

You can change if you really want to, but like I said, the change must happen in your head.

[ShySoul]

Hey,

 

I know how you are feeling. I also think differently than most and don't have much in common with most people. I'm not that good at making conversations and can be hard on myself. But that doesn't mean we need to completely change. It's a matter of realizing the traits that are bad and holding us back that we should try to change and coming to terms with the traits that make us unique and special and appreciating them as part of who we are.

 

I think you need to take a long look at yourself and what you want to be doing. Forget about your parents, friends, or anyone else. Looking back on your life, what are the things you enjoy most? What is something you are not only good at, but that you look forward to doing. If you hate what you are studying, then change to something else. If you keep doing something that you hate because you are good at it then you'll just continue to feel horrible. You'll go through your life wondering where the days are going and feeling like you are a failure. You don't want that to happen and can change things right now. Above all else, you need to be happy in what you do. I know how it feels to be unsure of what you want to do. I say, follow your heart. There has to be something that drives you, something that you are passionate about.

 

Talk to your parents about this. Try to get them to understand that you are not happy with what you are studying. If they don't want to listen, ignore them. They can't tell you what to study, only you can decide that. Sometimes parents get caught up in planning out and dictating their kids future, thinking they now what is best. But deep down, you know what is best for you. You need to follow your own heart and do what is right for you.

 

I also find parties to be dull. So many people seem so fake, like they are trying to fit it and don't have the courage to be different, an individual. People go through the motions and do what is expected of them. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that. You've just got a smarter mind than most and its harder to find people who "get" you. Don't feel discouraged with yourself. You are smart and a good guy. There are other people like you who appreciates your thoughts and ideas. Don't be down on yourself. Instead, be proud of who you are. I used to feel bad about myself, wondering why I didn't fit in. Then I realized that it fitting in isn't whats important, as long as I stay true to myself and like the person that I am. Your a good guy, you just need some more confidence in yourself.

 

"Different" people aren't so different. They go through the same feelings and doubts you are. I've been there, actually I'm still there. If you want to talk feel free to PM me. I'm no psycologist and I think that's a good thing. Those who think differently tend to see what others can't and its frustrating when they can't relate to you. So maybe someone who can relate would be helpful.

[SkyFire]

Hey,

 

II also find parties to be dull. So many people seem so fake, like they are trying to fit it and don't have the courage to be different, an individual.

 

You are correct.

 

However, you need to learn how to have fun with these people. Make the best of it.

[S1asher6]

No, I don't believe that... I don't believe people completely change. And when people change, it's not so much the aspects of their personality that change. What changes is everything that surrounds them and involve them.

At the end of it all, there can only be one of two conclusions to your questioning and wondering, no matter how much you think about it. And quite simply, there's only self-acceptance or on-going wondering whether people can be completely changed - most people keep on wondering. Whereas, let me remind you, self-acceptance is when who you are is no more a bother.

[brimstone]

Hmm to me this is a very difficult question.

 

Do I think people can completely change there personality? Yes I do... Absolutely. However, I think people can only truly complete the change if a traumatic event happens in your life and also you must like who you are better after the personality change then before.

 

 

I think it is fair to say that almost everybody on the planet no matter how attractive are will hear or see them self's on tape or video and think "OMG I am so stupid looking, or I sound like an idiot". I am sure in your life that you have had friends or people you are close to tell you that something is unflattering about you. In saying that the old story...The bad things about your self are easer to believe then the good things.

 

I would like to share a small story about my personal growth or transformational thinking:

 

Last February I lost my mother. 3 days after that my now Ex-wife of 11 years told me that she was in love with another man that she meet on the internet. She further went on to say she and our children were going to move to Virginia (500 miles away) to be with him. Needless to say my heart could have not been more shredded if it had been put into a wood chipper. There I was... inside of 4 days I had lost 5 people. The five people who I had built my world around. So what did I do?

 

I took a long, hard, and cold look at who I was and how I have brought most of this on myself. I Started looking back on my behavior and the mistakes that I had made in my life. I knew I had 5 weeks until she was going to move (lease was up then) So I did everything I could to identify what was unflattering and change it so my Ex- would stay with me.

 

A week after she walked out of my life and left me and our 3 children. I began to start thinking it was time to stop making mistakes in my life and to be the best father a child could ever have. I knew that I had to not only be a father but also a mother. You see I was a father in the past, but because I knew for years that my-ex and I were not in love anymore I was un-happy and at times distant. You see I didn't make a check list of what I was going to change It just kind of happened with the hustle and bustle of being so needed by my children. I have the best ever relationship with my children now. I wouldn't go back in time for anything because now I am happy with who I am.

 

I wish you luck