I Want to get back with the EX

[lizzie]

I have been broken up from the ex for 2 years. We have remained friendly and have had contact at least once a week since the breakup. It was a little hard at first, but now it is comfortable. He is still with the girl he got together with right after we broke up. I'm not sure what kind of a relationship they have, but everyone says it's nothing like what we had. About 6 months ago we became intimate again. Prior to that time we were not. I tried, but he always said no, because he was with someone else. Now, when we became intimate - he initiated it. We see each other "dating" in addition to sex, so I don't believe it is just a booty call. We are intimate about every 2 weeks and he stays all night and holds me tight all night. He is still with the girlfriend. It has been bothering me so I had a talk with him right before christmas. Told him it bothered me and wasn't fair to any of us. (I do not believe his girlfriend knows that we see each other. They have a rather casual relationship from what I gather) He agreed and said it bothered him too. We talked aboout it for 3 or 4 hours and then about 2:00 ended up in bed. That has been the last time we've been intimate, but we have seen each other just like before. Just the sex is missing and I'm not sure that it won't start again. I'm totally confused. I think he really cares for me, but maybe is afraid of commitment? I would love to be back together. I'm not sure where he is at. Any ideas?

[annie24]

Ok - I apologize in advance because I'm about to be a little harsh.

 

What are you doing sleeping with this guy? He broke up with you! If he wanted to be your boyfriend, he wouldn't have broken up with you! And you've been still intimate with him for two years after he broke up with you! And he's got a girlfriend!?!?! Of course he's not going to get back with you! You are clearly telling him you have no respect for yourself if you're willing to date a guy with a girlfriend. So why should he have any respect for you? Even if their relationship is "casual," don't you think you deserve a guy who can give you 100% of his attention, not just scraps here and there when he isn't with his GIRLFRIEND? What you have with this guy is not out in the open - it's not a real relationship, having sex every two weeks while he's not telling his gf about you?

 

The only way to straighten out this is to stop seeing him, IMMEDIATELY! I think that if you really want to get him back, your only chance is to move on. Tell him you want a real relationship, and if he can't give it to you, then move on and find someone who can.

[PrincessLinzay]

The only way to straighten out this is to stop seeing him, IMMEDIATELY! I think that if you really want to get him back, your only chance is to move on. Tell him you want a real relationship, and if he can't give it to you, then move on and find someone who can.

 

Im going to have to go with Annie24 on this one. Unfortunately, being intimate with someone while they're involved with someone else only tells them that you're willing to accept things as they are. He feels like he's doing nothing wrong because "hey, it's not like you didn't know he had a girlfriend".

 

You can rationalize it away as his being confused, or afraid to commit, or whatever, but the fact remains that he's not with you. He's getting all the benefits of being in a relationship with you, but he's just not.

 

It's unhealthy for you, and you deserve to be in a committed relationship with someone who wants to be with you and only you.

 

Good Luck!

[lizzie]

I appreciate the info. A little clarification. We have been on friendly terms for two years. The sex just started in August. I thought he was broken up with his girlfriend. It was the first time he said that their relationship was not "committed".

 

It was around Christmas when I gave him the ultimatim. However, we did sleep together (after hours of discussion....). Since then we have just been "friends". For example,he took me hunting Tuesday.

 

All this does not make it right. I know there are feelings there on both parts. Do you think it is even possible to get back together after all we've been through?

[HajiMaji]

It is possible for you two to get back together, just because its life and its possible for any two people to get together. The only way for it to work would be both of you wanting it. Right now, as much as it sucks - let go of your attachment and desire for him. Gain yourself back, then if you guys are still in contact and you still have feelings for him you might be able to give it a go. Healing your heart is super hard to do, im going through it now and its the toughest thing ive ever expierenced. It needs to be healed or the relationship wouldnt work if you guys got back together, which it doesnt seem like it would.

 

My bottom line advice, and i can only say this cause im looking at it logically from the outside. Dont get back with him even if he wants to. Regain your beauty, thats what you need to do. Try to detatch yourself from him. Thats the only way you can embrace him or anyone else in the future.

 

Hey, this has got to be rough for you. I feel for you and hang in there. This love stuff is hard!

[lizzie]

I really appreciate your help. I'm a little confused how to detach. We live near each other and I am very close with his family. You said don't get back together even if he wants to and then went on to say that I should regain myself as that is the only way it may work out. When would it be time to get back together? I told him it wasn't fair for all 3 of us and he agreed. We are still friends. Do I need to tell him to leave me alone? We are friends now. Do we keep that going? In my opinion, it is a fine line between good friend and relationship. My gut feeling is that he gets things from me that he doesn't get from her. We both have businesses and discuss that alot. He says I am the only one that he can talk openly to. Do I take that away from him?

[annie24]

He says I am the only one that he can talk openly to. Do I take that away from him?

 

Ok, so let me get this straight: You two were sleeping together from August - December, all the while he never bothers to tell you that he has a girlfriend?!?! Yeah, sure, he talks to you openly all the time!

 

So, you gave him an ultimatum, and now you're just "friends." Well, that sounds like your answer right there. He wants you as his hunting buddy, not gf.

 

And this is the guy you want? A man who has such deep "feelings" for you that he lies to you for 4 months and sleeps with the both of you. What a catch.

 

Yes, it is time to move on.

[lizzie]

The first time we slept together I thought they were broke up. He did not lie to me for the August to December period. Their relationship changed and it was no longer a "committed relationship".

 

There is a lot of other history and details that it would take too long to explain. Looking at the situation as you did, I would have come to the same conclusion. Regardless of the other info, I'm going to take your advise and try to keep a large distance between us. Mind you, I don't contact him - he always contacts me. I will just not take calls, however, past history proves that when I do this, he shows up at my house.

 

Yes, the info you provided was rather brutal, but I believe you are right. Now the hard part is doing it.

[annie24]

Hi

 

It's hard when you like someone but they aren't really good for you. But I do geniunely believe that there is a great guy out there for you who'll treat you like a queen. You said you have your own business - you are clearly intelligent and have it together. Moving on is hard, yes, but once you meet your prince, you won't feel bad for not spending enough time with Mr. 2 Girlfriends at the Same Time.

 

I wish you well!

Annie

[sleuth222]

a new book called

 

'He's just not that into you?'

 

It's direct, and is designed for your best interests.

 

Buy it, follow the instructions and stop this nonsense NOW.

[Hope75]

Lizzie,

 

You have no chance of getting him back right now because as annie & lindsay said you are letting him know by your actions that you are accepting things the way they are.

 

Even after you gave him the ultmatum you slept with him, completely contradicting everything you just said.

 

I think you should leave him alone and let your words sink in and show him that you actually mean it.

 

He can't have his gf and you both, and shouldn't even have your time.

 

Tell him you are moving on, do that, and if he decides to break it off with his girlfriend he can call you.

[lizzie]

You guys are all soooooo right. Yesterday was a really bad day. I re-read this thread this morning. It made so much sense. I feel really stupid and childish. (I'm not even going to tell you how old we are!)

 

Wish me luck! I've got a lot on my plate this month and it will be the perfect time to put MAJOR distance between us. My past experience is that he comes running when I distance myself then I usually cave in. This time I'm not going to cave!

 

Thanks again for all your help. Any other words of wisdom are appreciated.

[lilred]

I was once in your exact position several years ago---i totally was into this guy and being intimate w/ him for a several months all along while he had a gf---this was destroying me! I knew this was wrong, and i was also disrespecting another women (his current gf) but my feelings for him overrode any morals i had. i would constantly pester him if her wanted to be w/ me or her--and finally he ended up w/ me--but it was only after i scrapped up my pride (after my girlfriends talked some sense into me) and decided cut off all ties from him b/c i was worth more than that.

 

You know that saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? Well it seems like your ex is sure getting his cake and eating it too. So what reason are you giving him to change? I know that it's hard for you to let go, but seriously, if he wants to be w/ you, he will be w/ you. There is nothing more sexy than a girl who seems to have her life intact and has high self-esteem.

To sum it up, I agree w/ the rest of the posts...ignore him, act busy and hopefully he'll know that you're more than just a piece of meat. I know that you think that you're still "friends", but even friends do not treat each other so poorly. Your ex seems like he wants to be w/ you when it is convienent for him. I know this is hard to see, especially since you want him back so bad, but he is bad news. Once you start ignoring him, then hopefully he'll show his true colors. Good luck!

[lizzie]

Thank you for your post. As I said in my last post I agree with the others. That was a week ago. He called Tue, Wed, Thur and I did not take any of the calls. On Friday he showed up at my house and I was polite but cool. Made up an excuse that I was late for something and left. I've been keeping myself real busy - I was gone every evening this week. He noticed. Interesting. I'm working real hard at distancing, not only does it seem to drive him crazy...it makes me feel good!