Ex and I meeting for dinner

[newlifedaily]

Hey guys,

 

 

So I bit the bullet and contacted my ex and asked him if he is up for dinner to talk about the relationship, because I felt our issues are fixable and it is worth it to me. He said he was up for it. He said he would let me know for sure today because he may have to go out of town on business on the day I suggested, (that is quite normal for him).

 

He and I both have a lot of pride and it was hard for me to be the one to reach out but I did. His pride is probably 3 times mine however.

 

My question is, I wanted to write down topics I wanted to discuss, is that too much pressure? Should we discuss everything at dinner? Or should it still be a bit light hearted? It has been two weeks since we last saw each other.

 

Not sure how the first meeting should go. My fear is that since I was the one that reached out, he may feel he does not have to really contribute to the conversation or acknowledge his role in the break up. And may think that I coming back and I will do all of the apologizing and compromising.

 

I have been taken advantage of in the past by friends and have been somewhat weak in terms of my wants and timid. So I still fear someone may try to take advantage of that. Though, he is a good person.

 

I just want to be clear, and concise. Strong and soft at the same time.

 

I can just about bet this question is confusing but I am sure there is someone out there that can decipher it and give some advice.

 

Thank you guys in advance!

[shawt]

I think you should discuss everything. Strong and soft at the same time is a hard thing to do for me. But good luck, I hope it goes well.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, i read you back posts and apparently he was/is already dating another woman. And he let you have access to a bank account with money in it because you were financially dependent on him.

 

I think his emotions towards you at this point are probably not love but guilt, or he would not have left you for this other woman. You've known each other for 10 years, together for 3, and you are in school and were dependent on him financially. So he probably wanted to go but felt stuck because of the situation and didn't want to hurt you even though he wanted to go and be with this new woman.

 

So this other new woman is the elephant in the room you don't seem to be acknowledging as a real possibility, but I suspect she is indeed a part of his life now. So you are seeing this as 'pride' keeping you apart, and jumping over the really extremely important thing which is he had been lying and cheating and seeing another woman before you even broke up, and is most likely seeing her even more now. So it's not just about you and him anymore, it is about whatever is going on with him and this other woman as well.

 

Most people who cheat will lie and downplay their involvement with their affair partner, whether it is claiming they are 'only friends' or 'never hooked up before we broke up' because they don't want their new GF to be seen in a negative light as the reason for the breakup to their friends and family. So they go undercover until they are willing to break up with you, then will wait a while before they go public with the new person.

 

So your ex could be meeting with you because he feels guilty and wants to help you get over this breakup (especially since you have begged and pleaded with him to stay in contact and were so dependent on him), so before you get too carried away, you need to find out what his true status is with this other woman, or this meeting will just turn into another begging and pleading session.

 

So stop worrying about how you are presenting yourself, and start worrying about having open and honest communication about what is going on there. And remember, he is a cheater! Do you really want to get back with a liar and cheater? And can you even trust that what he tells you is true?

 

Before you waste a lot of time on the conversation, i suggest you try to find out if this is a 'closure' kind of meeting where he is meeting with you to give you closure (and potentially work out how to stay friends), or whether he is regretting the breakup and hoping to try again. Because if he is already with this new woman, you can be strong or confident or soft or anything else, but it won't matter because he now has shifted his attachment from you to her.

 

So rather than launching into accusations or the assumption he wants to get back with you, open up some honest communication. As in, would he be interested in trying to get back you with or not, or is he ready to move on? don't launch into a list of everything you did wrong and everything he did wrong because he won't care about that if he is already moving on. You can have that conversation after you ascertain what is going on, as to whether this meeting is about him wanting to give you closure or try to establish a friendship, or whether he is interested in getting back together with you or not.

 

And this is really important: 'Before we broke up he said if we ever broke up he would still take care of me until I got a job and got on my feet.' He sounds like he is trying to do that. He is with a new woman, but wants you to be OK. Lots of people are still fond of their exes and don't want to hurt them and want to do right by them, even if they don't want to be together anymore. And they hope to keep you as a friend because you've been a big part of their lives.

 

So you need to go to this meeting with an open mind, in that if he doesn't want to try again, then you need to accept that and work to get a job and get back on your feet again so you can heal and move on yourself rather than clinging to him. and have thought about that a lot so that if he does drop that news that he just wants to move on, you can handle it with dignity in a public place, and switch to working out details of how you are going to separate your lives so that you can each move on. He may be meeting you to sign over the car title, or any other number of reasons where his agenda is not getting back together, so think thru all those possible outcomes in your mind before you go so that you are composed when you meet with him, regardless of what he says.

[newlifedaily]

I could not read your whole post because you misunderstood from the very beginning and I do not want others to be confused. He DID NOT leave me for another woman. This woman is someone he saw a couple of times, very rarely, and she admitted that to me. She began to get very crazy, stalking myself, him and my friends. He wants absolutely nothing to do with her and let her know that. This is an absolute fact. She is still stalking me to this day hoping that our relationship is done for good. The situation with the two of them happened over 1.5 years ago and she still contacts him from time to time, and he ignores her. He told me that. Her "friend" has even contacted me telling me her friend will not leave HIM alone even though he pays her no mind.

 

He left me in the heat of the moment because of an argument. I am still trying to trust him after what he did because I am constantly reminded of his actions because the woman won't leave me alone. It bothers him that I am having a hard time trusting him again. I am willing to take it slow and learn to trust him completely.

 

He has a high profile career, making millions and there are a lot of women that would love to be with him. So, sometimes, I feel a little insecure. I did not feel that way until after the incident. I mention his career because I need to pick and chose what and who I believe because a lot of people don't want us to make it. well, don't want me to make it with him. People will cause havoc in your relationship just for some money or being seen with the person. I knew him before it all, and he has his great qualities.

 

 

I will go back and read your post now. I just wanted to get that out of the way

[lavenderdove]

>>He told me that.

 

One of the most common things a man tells his partner when he is caught cheating and the other woman starts contacting her is that 'oh, she's a crazy stalker contacting me and i want nothing to do with her.' Where there is smoke, there is usually fire. He can put a stop to any REAL stalking pretty darn quick if he wanted to by telling her to back off and that he'll get a restraining order if she doesn't. But he's not doing that. that should tell you something.

 

And what about this: 'He met a woman and exchanged numbers with her. She had been to his home (had to hide her car in the garage so I would not know), and she had also been to his home for gatherings. These gatherings are ones that I was not allowed to attend.'

 

Sounds like her attentions are not unwanted, regardless of what he may be telling you.

[newlifedaily]

I want to to understand 1. I never begged him ever to get back together ever. I sent angry texts about what upset me and want proud of that. 2. I made it very clear to him what this meeting was about. He knows we are discussing the relationship to see if our issues can be worked out. I told him it will take time but I feel we can.he then called me, repeated what I said and agreed to meet and talk about our relationship issues. 3. Yes, what he did was terrible and that happened1.5 years ago. He isn't telling me she is crazy. She proved that to me all on her own. What he did is not okay. It wasa long time ago and I am trying to move on from that. It is hard when she still stalks. I agree with u and feel he should threaten her with a restraining order. I am close myself. He handles things by ignoring. I have seen her texts complaining about him ignoring her etc. She sends him pics of me! That is how bad she is. Yet and still. It is HIS fault and I never met him off the hook fir that

[lavenderdove]

i think you need to think long and hard about why you so desperately want to get back with a liar and cheater. And someone who is doing nothing to protect you from the effects of his cheating and stopping the girl who he cheated with from harassing you. Even if it happened 1.5 years ago, it was still lying and cheating and running and having parties behind your back, and he is still doing nothing about this girl to get her out of your lives. I don't think he is such a prize as you think he is.

[newlifedaily]

I was rushing when I wrote that lol. I really appreciate your feedback. I just want things to be clear. Yes. He cheated. They weren't intimate. Words from both of them. He came to my home to discuss our issues the day he broke it off. He said I want this relationship and I want us to work that's why I am here. The conversation went south. Clearly

[newlifedaily]

Just read your latest post.you're right. I will do just that. Thank u!