In Mourning

[MissMelissa]

I'm not sure if this is the right thread to post this on, but I have itchy fingers and need to get this out ...

 

My bf of, off and on, nearly two years lost his dad about 15 years ago (before my bf turned 30) to cancer. It was especially hard on my bf bc his dad moved in with him, his ex-wife and their toddler during his final months of life. The juxtaposition of watching his father grow weaker and sicker, while raising his dad's only grandchild, knowing they would never know one another was very hard on him. While he's shared very few stories about that difficult time together, I know that the memory of losing his dad is still a painful one.

 

Twice a year, the month of his dad's birthday and his death, my bf grieves deeply and profoundly. He is very emotional, sensitive and tends to close himself off. He feels that, bc I've not suffered the loss of a parent, I cannot possibly understand what he's going through, therefore the best support I can give him is to "be quiet" and let him get through it. (He also does this on the birth / death months of his grandmother, with whom he lived for much of his childhood.)

 

It's October, which is his dad's birth month, and a grieving period. He informed me last night that his family is coming in to town to spend the weekend, so he will be unavailable. I have been supportive, understanding and patient during these times, and this is the first time I allowed it to be an issue. I told him that I was disappointed that he was pushing me away during a time when he should be reaching out for me, for support and love and caring. It cut me to the core when he told me that I was not invited because I "am not family" and "this is a family matter", therefore I have no reason to be there. This, despite us planning our future, moving in together and getting married ...

 

I explained that, when I am faced with fear or sorrow or happiness, he is the first person I turn to, and it hurts that I am not that person for him when it comes to his father. He said, "It's not about YOU, it's about my dad." I get that, I really do. I didn't know him, don't have stories to share or memories to revisit. But his dad is a part of my bf, and I want to share in ALL the aspects of his life.

 

I mourn the loss of my grandmother, who helped raise me, but it is a more passive process for me - for example, I say Hello Grandma, I love you every time I pass her gravesite. But I don't cry for days, hold vigils with my family, wonder how God could allow her to die.

 

Perhaps I'm being insensitive to him and the process he has to go through. I do understand that watching your parent die, holding his head in your lap while he cries from the pain, is a horrible, heartbreaking thing to do. And I am NOT being callous and belittling his mourning process. I am simply wondering - Is it "normal" (I know, "normal" is purely subjective) for someone to grieve for SO many years, for so many weeks every year, so profoundly?

[mhowe]

His grieving process is his process...it is what it is. And because you grieve differently doesn't mean he "should" turn to you nor include you the way you include him.

 

He is right in the respect that this isn't about you.

 

I would be more concerned with the on/off aspects of your relationship.

[MissMelissa]

I understand that two different people = two completely separate ways of coping. I was in no way saying my way is better, or his way is wrong.

 

And I didn't insist he include me, I expressed that I was hurt that he wouldn't / couldn't, and was told to "shut my mouth about the subject". I've been down this road with him many times without comment, this time I simply said I would like to meet his family. He said it is a weekend of mourning, and I have no place in it. Fair enough.

 

And the question was not about our on-again, off-again status. That is being explored through therapy and communication.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[BigKK]

If I am understanding correctly, you have yet to meet his family?

 

 

His process is his...everyone deals with it differently...if it impacts his life then it would be a concern... ie, he can't work or function properly after 15 years, it'd mean there's an issue.

 

 

Obviously you can't be a part of it since you didn't know him, but it'd be nice if he opened up to you. Sounds like you guys have some issues, it's not very nice to tell someone to "Shut their mouth" about any subject

[mhowe]

And I didn't insist he include me, I expressed that I was hurt that he wouldn't / couldn't,

 

Expressing that you are hurt that he didn't include you ---- is actually telling him that you don't accept his way.

 

Him telling you to shut up about it is incredibly rude of him.

[MissMelissa]

Semantics.

 

I was very respectful, caring and gentle when I told him that I was hurt that he couldn't share that part of his life with me. I didn't push, and I didn't argue. I expressed a feeling, an emotion, and I let it go. That in no way, shape or form is an indication that I don't agree with how he mourns or grieves.

 

And yes, him telling me to shut my mouth was TERRIBLY rude of him. He used his sorrow as an excuse, which is a poor one, IMHO.

[MissMelissa]

If I am understanding correctly, you have yet to meet his family?

 

 

His process is his...everyone deals with it differently...if it impacts his life then it would be a concern... ie, he can't work or function properly after 15 years, it'd mean there's an issue.

 

 

Obviously you can't be a part of it since you didn't know him, but it'd be nice if he opened up to you. Sounds like you guys have some issues, it's not very nice to tell someone to "Shut their mouth" about any subject

 

I've met his mom, and his sister and her family, and his son. This is extended family from quite a distance away. They come down just once a year, for his dad's birthday weekend.

 

I get that his way of grieving is different from my way, and there is no right or wrong. Do I feel he is excessively impacted during those months, i.e. he is overly emotional, sensitive and difficult to talk to? Yes, I do, but I have been supportive and understanding during those difficult times bc I DON'T understand exactly how he feels.

 

When he feels he's being "attacked", his first reactions are anger or shutting down. We're working through that, trying to figure out a more suitable reaction. But it's a process in itself.

[NIN2000]

I do not think you are being insensitive and I agree that in times of mourning you should have the support and backing of loved ones -family and non family. However, everyone is different.

 

Then again, his comment about you not being family and are not welcomed is very harsh. Perhaps it is out of pain but I find his stance odd. He is pushing you away and in a way giving you guilt trip for not supporting him, when in fact you are being more than supportive by giving him what he wants.

 

I am not sure I can offer any advice. I would see this a problem if for the rest of his life he doesn't learn how to cope with this loss and doesn't realize that it is affecting his ability to interact with the person he might eventually marry.

 

Good luck and I am sorry I am not much help....

[catfeeder]

I "am not family" and "this is a family matter", therefore I have no reason to be there. This, despite us planning our future, moving in together and getting married ...

 

How far into this process are you--do you live together?

[MissMelissa]

How far into this process are you--do you live together?

 

We do not live together. We each have our own homes, about 17 miles distance between us, which means we don't get a great deal of time together. He proposed about 9 months ago, but I told him we were not ready to move in together, or be engaged. So we're taking things veeeery slow.

[MissMelissa]

Thank you, NIN, for your words. I have made the command decision to allow him his space and time to grieve, WITHOUT me inundating him with texts and calls and pressure. If he realizes he wants me there, we'll discuss it. But I'm not going to beg, or plead my case. It is what it is and, at this point, I'm not going to change how he feels about it, or how he chooses to mourn.

 

(I am a talker, and tend to run things into the ground. That is part of the reason he told me to shut my mouth. I need to learn to curb my words and pick my battles.)