preadolescent daughter having a hard time

[Perfect Life]

I've posted on other forums. First time on this one. Please bear with me as I try to get it all out..

I have an 11 year old daughter. She is very sensitive and looks to me with great admiration. I am 34 and I have such a connection with her. Last night she talked to me about some prepubescent developments on her body she has recently noticed. I talk to her so much about what to expect and how changes will effect her moods and self esteem. She knows she can come to me with anything that's on her mind. I'm pretty open and honest with her. I tell her factual information and never make it scary. If there is something I think she is not ready for, I'll tell her that I will talk to her about it when I think she is ready, but this has not ever been the case. She has good questions and I have been able to address them professionally without awkwardness. Which is why she feel comfortable coming to me I think.

 

Okay so long story short, she started talking about how she doesn't want to grow up and be a teen or an adult because she know what happens when she gets older, parents will get older and of course eventually pass away. So her recently found development has stirred thoughts in her brain that associate this stage as the entry into adulthood. Her primary concern is not her own body and how its changing but instead that she will one day lose her parents because we will be aging also and eventually pass away.

 

We talked for a long time. I told her that I have no intention of dying, I'm in good shape and still semi young. Unfortunately, I cant control death but if I was to pass away unexpectedly I will always look over her and be close to her even if she cannot see me. She has such a big heart and is so loving, I know it will worry her from time to time.

 

So my question is, can anyone recommend a book which she and I can both read that might help us come to terms with her body and changes as it might pertain to a young lady, or a book which might help us understand the whole 'death and it not being scary' thing.. I'd like it to be an easy read as she is 11. Thanks for any advise, you all are always so helpful.

[mhowe]

This isn't exactly "on topic", but when I was going through the process of facing my mothers' imminent death, someone recommended the book "Broken Open" --- about opening your heart and accepting the changes that will happen.

 

It isn't about death, or divorce or only grieving ---- and it is a lot of vignettes ---- not a psych book. You might read it for what you are going through, and there may be some stories that you could share with her as well.

[Perfect Life]

Sounds good, I'll look into that book. Thanks! I'm just looking for anything to help us with the processes of life.

[luminousone]

You sound like a fabulous parent! And how fortunate you are to have that communication connection .

 

I have a 19 year old and a 14 year old (boys).

 

While it is not a book, both of my boys went through a program called "Our Whole Lives". It has been in existence for about 40 years, and is co-sponsored by the Unitarian and Congregational (UCC) denominations.

 

My oldest son is atheist and he told me they were very respectful of him and the program did not shove religion down his throat at all.

 

The premise is that our bodies are gifts. They teach about relationships, and treating people with respect, as well as how to set healthy boundaries. They also teach about self respect and that every body is different, and not to worry about differences in shape or size or whatever.

 

Here is a link about it:

link removed

 

As far as books, I would recommend "Our Bodies, Ourselves" for information on her body and sexuality. Later, when she is older and in need of more information I would recommend "The Joy of Sex" by Dr Alex Comfort.

 

As far as information on aging and lifespan, I don't have a recommendation. However I think it is very normal for her to meet growing up with apprehension. I remember feeling that way too.

 

How do you feel about your own life and growing older? Do you celebrate your years with joy or with apprehension?

 

I think this is a perfect opportunity for you to discuss healthy life choices with your daughter and to be a great role model for healthy living.

 

She sounds like a deep thinker for her age.

[luminousone]

Links for the books-

 

Our Bodies, Ourselves:

 

link removed

 

 

The Joy of Sex:

link removed

 

And this looks like an interesting read- I have read some of Joan Chittister's writings and she is very reflective and spiritual. It is a book that you might read to give you good ideas for further discussion with your daughter.

 

The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully:

 

link removed

[faraday]

That's hard.

 

My daughter had a recent bout of reflection where she was concerned about the same things. She doesn't want to grow up...because she doesn't want me to get old, and for her grandparents to die

 

She's quite a bit younger, so we read "A Taste of Blackberries" when we talked about it. When I was 10, a student in my class died. Our teacher read us that book...it doesn't really explain death or grieving...it's more a book about...how we're sad, and eventually our hearts love others again. It helped me a lot at the time, and I think it helped my daughter.

 

We've talked a lot about how she has a large support network, so in the unlikely event that I do die young, there will be many people around her to step in and love her and raise her. We've talked about...how I know my heart will break when my dad dies....that it will be a sad time...but that it's the circle of life...and that people die so that there is room for new people. How everyone dies eventually...and that's why it's so important to love your life, give as much as your can to those less fortunate, be a little bit scared every day, follow your passions, and have an open and loving heart.

 

It was a difficult talk for us, because I'm atheist...and I know she wanted comfort in the idea of an afterlife....and I couldn't give her a definite one. I did ask her what she thought happened to us when we die, and let her kind of work it out through me asking questions about what she thought to help her solidify her beliefs. She found comfort in figuring out what she wants to believe.

 

Parenting is hard sometimes. People think the hard stuff is not sleeping and giving up hobbies...but the hardest part about parenting is that it makes us reflect on painful concepts that we'd rather not think about.

[Perfect Life]

Luminousone, I really appreciate all you insight. I will look into that website you mentioned about the UUA. Im sure it will help immensely. I will gather as much as I can this weekend while she is with her dad and we will have another talk in the coming week. I'm excited to learn as much as I can as I know there will be tools for me as well as for her.

 

Faraday, Thank you so much for you reply. I read this with my daughter and we had a healthy conversation about how to proceed. I am so lucky to have her be comfortable enough to talk to me about her concerns. She is one amazing young lady and it reflects so wonderfully on me. Any time I feel my life is a hectic mess, I just take one look at her and I know I'm at least doing one thing right.

 

I thank you all for your time and it is very comforting to know so much help is available for so many different milestones. =)

[faraday]

I know exactly what you mean. I feel like that about my daughter We're lucky.

 

People are scared usually because...we're afraid of the unknown...so having these talks with her should help. You're doing the right thing

 

Death...is really just a giant change...and I think it's important, as a parent, to teach our children to embrace and accept change....in whatever form it comes in. When people hold tightly onto the past, they stagnate. Saying goodbye is an important life skill...as is being open to new things.

 

My daughter made me cry one day....we were in the car she was 4 years old, and she said, "Mommy, I never want to grow up." I suppressed a giggle, thinking her reasoning was going to be something childlike...like going to work or eating food that "adult taste buds" like. When I asked her why, she replied, "I don't want to get bigger. I don't want to ever not be your kid. Will you still love me when I grow up?" I balled. I think I hid it pretty good...but wow, what a devastating thought for her. No wonder she was so upset.

 

That story just popped into my head....I just think...sometimes kids are so wise...and so deep...and it comes out in the most unexpected moments. It's kind of amazing.

[Perfect Life]

You are so right about kids having some deep thoughts. Even when one doesn't think they understand certain things, they do. They find a way to explain things to you in such a way that it's eye opening at times. We are feeding these healthy minds and provoking thoughts even when we don't think they're age appropriate to understand.