emotional cheating

[Seraphim]

My husband has dozens of female friends. I have no idea really what he talks about to any of them and I don't care really. I know it is me he loves. And me he wants to be with so I don't try to " own" him.

[Fudgie]

You know the adage "the more you grasp to try to keep sand in your hand, the more it falls away"? Yeah, that applies with normal, healthy people.

 

I've had the utmost pleasure over the years of meeting men who don't have any female friends and don't tolerate men friends with their girlfriends. Seriously, you'd be a great fit for these guys. You'd be able to snoop on him as he snoops on you. Mutual snooping! Maybe you could exchange Facebook passwords so you could make sure that the other one isn't cheating.

 

I'm really being serious. You've posted quite a bit here. You're unhappy. You have no desire to change your controlling ways. You justify it all. So, dump your boyfriend and find someone with the same boundaries as you. I can't tell you that it's healthy because I don't think it is but you'll probably be a lot happier.

[somuchcooler]

I actually plan on dumping the guy I have been dating for almost 3 1/2 now. The he has become isn't the same guy I fell in love with. I want a guy who isn't always talking to other women and makes me feel special. I am going to break up with him tomorrow. Dead serious.

[Seraphim]

Don't forget to find a fellow who has no family either. Because those people seem to be in your way too.

[mhowe]

I didn't realize you were the poster bent about gifts and access to his bank account. Yeah...breaking up is a good idea.

[Fudgie]

I think you're making the right choice. Neither of you wants to change so may as well get out, yes?

 

However, when you start dating again I suggest you have a frank talk about boundaries early on and seek out men who feel the same way that you do. Serious. No opposite sex friends. There are people who do subscribe to this belief and they want to be in relationships too.

[somuchcooler]

Don't forget to find a fellow who has no family either. Because those people seem to be in your way too.

 

God why are you guys being so nasty to me? Just because I expect to be treated like a social unit after 3.5 years doesn't mean he can't have family.

[Fudgie]

Boy, I almost wish I could hook you up with my ex. He had no family or female friends.

[somuchcooler]

Boy, I almost wish I could hook you up with my ex. He had no family or female friends.

 

Seriously why is it necessary to throw in snarky remarks? If we are going to go that route no thanks I don't want your sloppy seconds.

[mhowe]

As you can see....relationships end. And being invited into the family circle, access to his money and his deepest secrets shouldn't be handed out to someone who doesn't have staying power.

[Seraphim]

We are not being nasty. We can just see that you are absolutely stuck on the idea that you must be the center of some guy's universe 24/7 in every capacity. If that is what you want there can be no other people in his life. Because other people have different boundaries than you. You will never get other adults to bend to what you want.

[Fudgie]

God why are you guys being so nasty to me? Just because I expect to be treated like a social unit after 3.5 years doesn't mean he can't have family.

 

Because there are no real guarantees when it comes to that. You're not owed into that family. What you are owed in a relationship is respect and love. That's it, really.

[Fudgie]

Seriously why is it necessary to throw in snarky remarks? If we are going to go that route no thanks I don't want your sloppy seconds.

 

Lol, I was kidding. He's still hung up anyway so I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But yeah, I'm saying, there are men out there who don't have female friends or family. I've read your previous posts. You seem to have issues with both.

 

So seek out the "true loners" with no female friends and you'll never have anything to worry about.

[somuchcooler]

As you can see....relationships end. And being invited into the family circle, access to his money and his deepest secrets shouldn't be handed out to someone who doesn't have staying power.

 

We don't have staying power because he didn't treat me with enough respect to put his foot down to his family and have them treat me with the respect he should. I agree that I shouldn't need access to his money and I went overboard with the whole female friends issue but after 3 and a half years he should be willing to stand up to his family when they are blatantly excluding me from things. I am going to find a man who is going to be man and not a momma's boy who is going to stand up to his mom when it comes to us being both invited.

[Fudgie]

You don't seem to understand, sometimes when you are with someone, their family sucks. If they don't invite you, there's not much you can do. If they don't accept you, it's out of your control. Your boyfriends not be able to do much either. He could make a fuss and you'd still be uninvited.

 

Thing is, if you really love the person you'll focus on them and not the the family. Just ignore them, don't go to events, and be with your SO.

 

Almost all of my boyfriends had bad families. I don't care, I have a family. I don't need a SOs family. They can keep them. I am just fine with my SO and a family, that's it.

 

Sometimes when you are in that situation, you just shrug and learn to deal. Not force your way into their lives. Concentrate on your own and your SO.

[Moontiger]

We don't have staying power because he didn't treat me with enough respect to put his foot down to his family and have them treat me with the respect he should. I agree that I shouldn't need access to his money and I went overboard with the whole female friends issue but after 3 and a half years he should be willing to stand up to his family when they are blatantly excluding me from things. I am going to find a man who is going to be man and not a momma's boy who is going to stand up to his mom when it comes to us being both invited.

 

Perhapes they exclude you because they sense your entitled/controlling attitude. I know my family would never welcome someone like that into the family.

 

Instead of blaming other it would be a good idea to think long and hard about what you could have done better in the relationship.

[somuchcooler]

You don't seem to understand, sometimes when you are with someone, their family sucks. If they don't invite you, there's not much you can do. If they don't accept you, it's out of your control. Your boyfriends not be able to do much either. He could make a fuss and you'd still be uninvited.

 

Thing is, if you really love the person you'll focus on them and not the the family. Just ignore them, don't go to events, and be with your SO.

 

Almost all of my boyfriends had bad families. I don't care, I have a family. I don't need a SOs family. They can keep them. I am just fine with my SO and a family, that's it.

 

Sometimes when you are in that situation, you just shrug and learn to deal. Not force your way into their lives. Concentrate on your own and your SO.

 

Yeah I guess you're right I can't force myself to be liked by his family. I felt like my bf just sided and defended them more instead of me and that was what bothered me more was that I felt like he didn't stand by me not so much that his family didn't like me.

[mhowe]

Trust is earned...maybe ask yourself why his trust in you never deepened.

[Fudgie]

If they are saying crap about you, there's not much he can do other than "hey, I don't like that, stop" and then limit his time with them or change the subject when it happens. Outside of that, I'm not sure what else you could have wanted him to do. He doesn't have much control over them. Just because you're a part of a family doesn't mean you have control of the other members.

 

Which why I bring up my point, there are men out there who either don't have or are more distant from the family. So them liking you will either not be an issue or a big deal because he doesn't have them in his life. If this is a major concern it's something to consider.

[somuchcooler]

Trust is earned...maybe ask yourself why his trust in you never deepened.

 

Maybe because he wasn't willing to try. Maybe he was pigheaded. Maybe because he didn't know how to treat a girl. There's a thought.

[mhowe]

Maybe because he wasn't willing to try. Maybe he was pigheaded. Maybe because he didn't know how to treat a girl. There's a thought.

 

You were attracted to him and spent 3.5 years....he must have had some redeeming value to you.

[somuchcooler]

You were attracted to him and spent 3.5 years....he must have had some redeeming value to you.

 

I actually just broke up with him. He was absolutely heart broken. He cried saying he tried so hard to make me happy but it was never good enough and that I was one of the most important people in his life and how sad he was to lose me. He was sitting right next to me so I just did it and got it over with. I was going to do it tomorrow but I figured I my as well do it while he is here.

[Fudgie]

I'm sorry you're in pain. You will pull through and find someone more in line with you.

[somuchcooler]

I'm sorry you're in pain. You will pull through and find someone more in line with you.

 

I'm assuming that was sarcasm.

[Fudgie]

No, I'm being serious. I'm sorry you're in pain but in the end, I think you can pull through and find someone who is better suited to you. 3.5 years is a long time. Just have to heal first, you know?

 

No sarcasm here.