What does she want?

[detox5]

so me and ex have a chat about me still liking her, she was shocked cause she was so sure i had moved on etc, then she says she met someone, and says she has a bf, which i think was a lie just to push me away for her to get breathing space.

 

I did NC, and she message me 2 weeks later, and started chasing, i didnt say much, today we are properly talkin again, whats going on? and how should I be, I think she has missed me, but she i give her her cake and eat it or just be friendly, kinda stuck right now.

[panchala23]

just be friendly, make her do the chasing

[sidhat]

Just be her friend... but dont initiate any contact from your side.. let her call you.. keep conversation small.. and treat her like normal girl..no jokes no topics just hello hai..if she ask you to do something for her just say I am kind a busy or just make soft excuses. and never tell her that you have g/f or busy with some girl.. If you need her back.. otherwise who cares...

 

Dont let her know that you are soo easy to get..

 

GOOD LUCK...

[detox5]

hmm ok, ill do that, but wont she get tured off? i kinda got sexual with her, she didnt mind it, but , i kinda sense she feels in power i might have made her feel like I was only interested in her sexualy, i think ill clear that up now.

[ajk]

can you give more details about the break up, etc.? i can't really comment without that.

thanks!

[detox5]

well the break up was like a year ago, it will take ages to explain, but we have had on and off nc during the year, and this last session where i told her i still liked her she kinda blocked me for 2 days and then unblocked me, the important thing is, was that she said she had a bf, which i dont believe too much and that she soo thought i had moved on from which she found out i didnt, since i told her them things shes tried to make me contact her, like leave messenger on and stuff like that, but its only been today where she has contacted me and im talking to her.

 

I think i have a good chance now, cause she knows im single and availible, and is chasing, if she werent interested she wouldnt be pursuing, and if she wanted to be friends i think she would left it a LOT longer then just 2 days to unblock me.

[detox5]

im just thinkin, am i going into the friend trap or does she mean business this time, cause shes chased me and stuff?

[shockeddismayed]

As hard as it is for you to realize this....

 

THere is really nothing for you to wonder/worry about. You are asking for predictions, but the truth is that if she knows what she wants, she's the one that has to show and prove it.

 

If I remember correctly, she broke it off with you because of some issues she wanted you to work on (drugs? or alcohol?... am I right?). You've done a lot of personal growth over this last year.... and you've shown her that you are still interested.

 

So really, you've done everything you can do. Let her prove herself to you.

 

Don't second guess her motives.... take them at face value. At this point she hasn't said she is interested. She HAS said she has another BF. Take her at face value on that. Believe that she really means "I have a boyfriend".

 

Let her do 75% of the contacting.... keep things positive and upbeat, and if she is interested, she will come around.

 

In the meantime, you MUST continue to live for yourself, date others, spend time with friends, etc. If you stop doing that for even a second, you can get roped back into wondering what she is thinking... wondering how long she will take to figure things out, etc.

 

This part (where she might be interested, but is still confused) can take a LONG time... in fact, it can take FOREVER if she never decides to try again. This being the case, you can't change the way you will live. You need to continue to live as though you and her are over.

 

Because until she says otherwise (and to be positive, she may) you two are still over.

[detox5]

wow its nie you remmebered part of my story, but if she didnt know what she wanted and stuff like that, why did she bother contacting me so soon, Im out of the hurt phase, and i am living my life, but more on the side of how i should speak to her, be normal? intereested? friendly?

 

Today I was pleased to speak to her, i kinda threw in complements and said nice things, but these werent to get on her good side, it was just me.

 

I didnt chase too much, atually i didnt chase at all. i left the gaps of messaging long, she spoke to me most of the time, seems like she was interested in me at first like what i did for new years and stuff, im not so sure if shes with someone, because if she was, the last thing she wants is to have feelings for me confuse her about what to do and stuff, and having me around will only make things worse for her, i think it was an attempt to either push me away, or to make me thinks she had someone, cause she so believed that i did.

 

I dunno what to say or do right now, i just hope we progress, i dont wanna stay on one level with her alot, its only been one day so far, but for some reason, she seems more open with me then holding back the last time we spoke, i think she was really holding back cause she thought i was with someone and was protecting herself from not lookin like an idiot maybe?

[ajk]

just to reply to the boyfriend thing...

she may have broken up with him, who knows...

but she may still be with him and is contacting you to test her feelings.

my ex-ex did that to me at one point. called me, etc., and then come to find out he was dating someone, and pretty much was just seeing if he had a hold of me, still. and of course because i was still 'there' for him, he ran again.

if that is her issue, i would just be cautious, boyfriend or not.

[detox5]

you could be right yes, but if thats true shes hardly done anything to see if i still like her, shes hardly chased cause of her thinkin i was with someone and that she would get hurt, but now she is chasing as she knows im not with anyone, thats why i dont think she is chasing just to see if she still has power or whatever over me, but i could be wrong.

[Day_Walker]

If you still like her then it doesnt seem that you are ready to be friendly with her. Once you have this feeling that you dont want to get back together with her then you can be friendly with her. Otherwise you would only be friendly with her in hopes of getting back together. If you continue to talk to her then you will keep building ur hopes up until something happens, if she doesnt want the same thing you want then there is no purpose in wanting her back because it is in vain.

[detox5]

yea but we talked about this though, when i talked to her last time about how i like her, and that how she was shocked and stuff, she told me we cant really be friends if you still love me can we, and she said im with someone but we are very happy. well i accepted all that until she started to chase me, i think its more the that this time, i seriously dont think she contacted and chased me just to be friends, she would of at LEAst waited, and dont forget im not doing anything she is, its only been day one though heh, I just wanted some answers on what to expect, i think i got them.

[shockeddismayed]

detox

 

No problem... I tend to remember quite a few of the posters, and you were around about the same time my EXGF and I broke up, so I was curious to see how others were doing.

 

You keep mentioning that it has only been one day..... so I can't help but make the comment that you are dangerously close to loosing yourself in HER thoughts. You MUST NOT DO THIS. If it has only been one day, then you must totally CHILL OUT and relax. This process will likely take WEEKS if not MONTHS, so quit investing your heart in it.

 

If she is making repeated contacts to you, let her. Make her work for your attention. Read some posts from Beec... give a LITTLE each time she gives you attention... imagine you are laying breadcrumbs for a bird. If the bird doesn't take the breadcrumb, there isn't anything you can do, so don't bother.

 

You need to make HER do the work. After all, she dumped you. And you DON'T want to be with her until she is SURE of what she wants... so STOP thinking about what you can do to "get her back".

 

Treat her like she is an entirely new girl.... pretend you aren't even sure you are interested.... be friendly, but let her do the flirting... let her do the contacting... act friendly and normal.

 

If she wants you back, she will TELL you. Until then, don't get wrapped up in this.

[detox5]

losing myself in her thoughts you are soo right, you said some really good things, its true i should mke her work for my attention, but last time it didnt work, and i know why it will have more of an impact with her now, cause u know this time is different then any. but im not sure she will tell me she likes me, cause shes a very private person and stuff, but i could be wrong. I came here finding what lies ahead, and what frame of mind to be in and youve just done that cheers, can you please fill me in on

your situation, its interestin we were around the same time and stuff.

[shockeddismayed]

detox5,

 

No problem my friend... anything I can do to help.

 

I think in general, that you should expect that this process (if it is leading ANYWHERE) will take some time. That's why I think that wrapping yourself in it is the WRONG answer. The best thing you can do is to recover in the same way you were when you expected you'd never hear from her again. Keep doing your own personal growth, and be pleasantly surprised each time she contacts you. When you wonder whether she wants you but is too afraid to contact you... or in general whenever you find yourself making excuses for her... STOP IT. You want someone with enough of a head on her shoulders to know what she wants.... if she can't go out and get what she wants, she isn't worth your time, b/c she will just get confused again and again throughout her life. Remind yourself that you are not after that.

 

As for my situation, I've written several novels on it. My post is called "Help my EXGF has coldfeet". It has as much or more than you'd ever want to read. But the skinny is:

 

Exgf and I were together 7 years throughout university.

Bought a house together.

Shopped and sized engagement rings this time last year.

She was still in school, I was finally working.

She'd never had any other serious boyfriends.

I'd had several girlfriends.

We'd not been communicating well due to room-mates and work stress, and I was down in the dumps due to my best pal passing away.

Typically I was the cheerful one in the relationship, and helped keep her up, and she was the practical one that helped keep me grounded. But when I was down, the roles got screwed up for a while.

She broke things off right when she knew I was about to propose. (Late February 04)

I moved out.

Did limited-NC for a couple months (had to contact each other about the house, and I made one drunken "love you" call.)

After meeting by chance, we chatted a bit... I told her she was right to break things off... told her I re-discovering myself. blah blah

After that, she started contacting me and saying she wanted to talk about working things out... during this time she gradually told me about 'the other guy', but agreed to call things off with him while we were working things out. I trusted her, but told her "no more lies".

We started to do that in May - August... a LONG time. With several 2-3 week periods of absolute NC.

Finally in late September she told me she'd slept with him again, but that it was "just sex". I lost it.... not b/c of the sex, but b/c of the repeated lies. I told her I couldn't tolerate her stringing me along... and stringing him along. I told her I couldn't trust her anymore and asked her to leave my place. She cried, said she would always love me and said she'd still call me if/when she had her crap figured out.

 

I haven't heard a peep since and I've been focussing on building a healthy life for myself and whoever the lucky girl will be. I expect to hear from the EXGF at some point, but I doubt it will happen anytime soon... she has a lot of issues to work on and I won't be her crutch anymore.

 

**********

 

So, from my experience.... even when they think they are ready to work things out, sometimes they aren't..... you need to be very careful... and at the very LEAST, wait until they at least are willing to admit what they want.

 

There is so much work involved in repairing a failed long-term relationship, that if they can't even admit what they want, there is very little point in you putting in any effort.

[detox5]

before you replied, I was thinkin of askin my ex what her bf got her for xmas, cause i know she doesnt have one .

[detox5]

just wanna ask, you still love her and stuff, its obvious u would take her back if she sorted herself out, but are you with anyone, and do you 2 live close to each other, you mentioned you bumped into each other?

[rnorth]

Sounds like my ex.

 

She pursues, backs off when I show interest, then comes back when I back off.

She sounds interested on moment when I mention visiting, then she backs off.

 

So I just am playing it cool.

[detox5]

north was that for me or for shocked, are you talking to your ex or what, whats workin for you and stuff?

[rnorth]

detox - I think what works is to be a sympathetic ear, to be supportive but to also live your life.

 

Don't be too aloof. But available, but not too available. Show her you care but don't sacrifice your own principles. Have a sense of humor and enjoy the little things. Remember in your interactions to observe what you appreciated from her when you were together and appreciate and laugh about it together.

 

In other words, do little things to stir her emotions, be subtle but appreciative. Approach it from a positive perspective of appreciation.

 

Good luck!

[detox5]

well i just found out shes with a guy for real, but says shes is happy but not sure if she is real happy. she says he wants kids and she doesnt want that, and she doesnt know if she loves him, or me lol

[rnorth]

Well there you have it.

 

Give her space, but don't dissappear completely. Follow my suggestions.

 

Be strong and show her your strength. Don't be publicly opinionated about her current BF either.

 

Hang in there but take care of yourself first.

[detox5]

well she said she really dont know what she wants, were on real good talkin terms, I even said to her, thats why your talkin to me now, cause your really not sure what you want.

[detox5]

im starting to get more out of her, she says shes missed me but in a funny way, i asked what the kisses and the hugs lol, see where it goes