The hardest thing about moving forward is leaving things behind (realization)

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My Experience

 

It's been three weeks since I last spoke with her and saw her. It's been one week since I last had contact with her. It's been about three months since I truly lost her.

 

This thought has been revolving through my mind the past few weeks or so, but it is just so, so true. I have learned a lot by being on this forum and, looking back, I acted foolish by reaching out to my EX so soon after breaking up and not giving her space. All I did was dig the hole deeper, but that is life. I have learned a lot and thank all of you for all of your support.

 

Having been in "no contact" for a week now, I have fully come to realize that moving forward isn't all too difficult. I still love the things I love; piano, guitar, scary movies, designing my own story/video game, spending time with family and friends, my new vehicle, my dog, working out. No one can take those things away from me. However, the things I have to leave behind are truly the things that pull on my heart strings at times which is completely natural from my understanding. I've seen many posters on this forum say to focus on the negatives of the relationship to move forward, which I have, but it is those positive memories that pop-up every now and again that truly make me unhappy about how things played out with my EX.

 

Perhaps it is because it is the Fall now and that is when she and I started dating. In fact, everything was in the Fall for us. My birthday, her birthday, our anniversary, Halloween (we both loved spooky things/Halloween). I think that is why I am having a more difficult time blocking out the positive memories. I believe these thoughts are why rebounds happen for the dumpee. For the dumper, rebounds occur because they want to fill a void after dumping their significant other - they rant about wanting space and time alone, but what they are actually doing is looking for the next "best thing". When, in fact, the next "best thing" is usually right in front of them. Sometimes this isn't true, but for some people it is. In my EX's case, she has not been without a significant other for 10 years now. Maybe this is the "Grass is Greener" ideology that sometimes comes back and bites the dumpers in the rear when their rebound blows up in their face. But, for the dumpee, a rebound happens because positive thoughts of the past relationship force us to compare our Ex with the person we are currently seeing.

 

Maybe that is what truly separates the dumper from the dumpee. Both have lost one another, but the dumper was the one who pulled the trigger. They had the time to "get over" things while the dumpee was still there! Cruel, really, but that is how it goes. They string the dumpee along until something else comes along and then BAM - it's over. The dumpee is shocked, confused, and destroyed, while the dumper doesn't care because it is what they wanted. Fast forward a few months down the road, when emotions have settled, and the dumpee is probably still mourning, though stronger and more realistic with moving forward. The dumper, on the other hand, is faced with a realization - maybe the new relationship isn't all it was cracked up to be. They start remembering the positives out of the previous relationship and start comparing. They start going through the same thing the dumpees did from the get-go. Regardless, each is unhealthy and someone will wind up getting hurt (the reboundees).

 

I am a dumpee. I say it with pride because that is what I am at this stage of my relationship with my EX. I have nothing to hide, nothing to run from. I am moving forward, though it is difficult and I truly do love my EX for everything she did for me and for all of awesome experiences we had, but unfortunately it seems all great things in life are short-lived in a certain light. I will take time, to myself, and focus on 'me' again and pick up the pieces. However, I will learn from the mistakes that happened in my previous relationship. While she was the one who pulled the trigger, I helped load the gun at times. Maybe she loaded more bullets than I did, but that doesn't change the fact that I contributed. I want my next relationship to be stronger and I truly think it will be. I just need to understand that it will come in time and I can't force something that simply isn't there. Life is funny. Perhaps my dumper will contact me again. Perhaps they will want to try again with me. I, however, have to be strong when that happens. I can't instantly cave and let her back into my life. I read how another poster had their EX reach back out to them and they were just so, so strong when that occurred. They didn't let their EX back in because they knew why they were contacting in the first place. When my EX reached out to HER EX she only did so because she thought I was going to leave her (this was towards the end of our relationship before she ended up leaving me).

 

I should have ended it there, but I didn't. I trusted that she was going through a phase and we'd be back together. However, what this tells me is that she truly IS rebounding. She is going to end up hurting her new person as well as herself. For months, in fear of me leaving her, she started a list of potentional people who would take her back or date her. First, it was her EX. She realized she was wrong going back to him (they had coffee). Next, it was some guy she had known from years before, they went on a few dates and she, again, realized there was nothing there (she told me he didn't laugh at her jokes or have the same personality I had and she knew). At that point, she started "loving me" again. She determined I was the best fit for her (out of her selfishness really). However, this all changed when her friend lined up a new guy for her. He wasn't educated, but he was a lot like her EX - an army-type. He had a nice car. He was new. For all she knew, he was 'Mr. Right'. The grass is always greener. At that point - I was gone in her eyes. That quick.

 

I've learned that with some people the grass really is always greener before the sun peeks through and reveals its true color. At that point, memories of true green grass start to fill dumpers minds and they reach out and start to mend what they broke in the first place. Of course, this isn't always the case. Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side of things and they live a happier life. This is what us dumpees HAVE to expect and plan for. We cannot plan for our EXs to come back because even if they do it will not be more months or even years in some cases. We have to move on and be stronger for even if we do reconcile with our EXs we can't commit the same mistakes we did during the first 'stint'.

 

This post is for all my fellow dumpees out there. I am going through the exact same thing as you. Things are fresh for me. I am having a hard time accepting things, but one thing I do accept is the fact that all I can do, all WE can do, is move forward and do everything we can to forget our EXs exist - at least for the time being. We need to focus on ourselves, we need to do the things we love, we need to workout and have fun and laugh, we need to open ourselves up, in time, to other people and realize that the MAIN reason things were SO GREAT in our previous relationship was because of one important factor - US. We were at least 50% of the previous relationship. Think about taking a test... if you were spotted 50% right from the get-go... it wouldn't be so hard to get a good grade, would it? What made our relationships so great was 'us'. We fought for our EXs and they chose to take a different route. We all loved and were loved before and it can happen again. Have faith, my friends! Sure, have hope that our EXs may come back, but don't plan or expect it. Expect they won't and move on - you will be stronger for it. There really is nothing bad that can come with moving on for ourselves.

 

The hardest thing about moving forward is leaving things behind. Friends, I have made so many mistakes in my life and have learned through pain. I, unrealistically, fooled myself into thinking that my EX and I would end up being together again, be married, and have children. I have made so many posts on this site when, reading back on them, it's apparent that I have some growing up to do. I do want her back - I truly do. However, I have to assume that I never will. She is gone in my life. The memories do haunt, at times, but at least I have them. At least I know that I had a strong relationship for a long time. The memories of having 'tickle fights', of having nice dinners and cracking jokes about people wearing silly things, being sick with one another and lying in agonizing pain next to each other, driving to the beach and to the movies, laughing and crying together, our first dates, our LAST dates, the first time we laid eyes on each other, the LAST time we laid eyes on each other. The past is the past and those memories will always be there, but the present is now and it can allow the future to be even brighter. We can't change the past, but we can work hard in the present to change the future.

 

Best of luck to all of you. We will all be fine!