Close friend's girlfriend

[jay825]

How to begin?

 

I get on really well with a close friend's girlfriend and we've hung out together without him (he know's and is fine with this). We have a lot in common and really click on a lot of levels. I guess it was about a year ago I realised I was developing a pretty major crush on her and stopped spending so much time with her because I realised it wasn't healthy.

I've got to a place now where we can spend time together just as friends and recently we've probably been spending a lot more time together both with and without her boyfriend. The other day she ended up revealing to me that she can't stop thinking about me, she keeps dreaming of me and that all she wants to do is spend time with me. I was pretty shocked by this as it was kind of summed up exactly how I've felt about her and I think I still do if I'm honest. I was stunned and not really sure how to react but I didn't want to do anything that couldn't be reversed without thinking it through, I just basically ended up suggesting we try not to see each other so much and see if that helps.

Since then I haven't really been able to think of anything else! Why did she tell me this, what did she want? She hasn't told anyone else about this - would it be wrong to speak to her to find out more?

She and her boyfriend have been having a lot of problems and I'm really upset to say that I may be at the bottom of some of it, I'm wondering if the best thing for them is for me to cut myself off from them and give them the best chance of happiness. Unfortunately all my friends are pretty much connected to them in some way, maybe I just have to cut myself off from everyone? I don't feel like there is anyone I can confide in because they all know the people involved.

Aargh, life is such a mess!

[SpottiOtti]

I think your instincts are correct - cutting yourself off from the girlfriend is the way to go. Give it space and time and see what happens.

[jay825]

OK thanks, unfortunately that means not being able to see my friends a lot of the time as she is likely to be there.

[gdgfx]

Hey jay825,

man you are in a really bad situation here. In a way, it's YOUR fault because you helped to cultivate this relationship. I wouldn't blame the entirety of this situation on you because obviously as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. It takes two to create something like this. But whatever and however this has happened, it HAS to stop. If she finds you attractive; that's normal. Attraction is an inbuilt reaction to someone you like the look of, or how someone comes accross but we aren't neanderthals, this is the twenty first century and we have evolved to be able to hold adult relationships based on love, passion, dedication and most importantly integrity and... honesty. And whether you choose to accept this or not, your best friend's girlfriend seems like someone who can't be trusted.

 

If you look at it this way, say, this woman you are talking about (your close friends girlfriend) was in a relationship with you, what's stopping her doing this with one of your other close friend's? If she can make these decisions but still be with this guy then that sums up the person she is. And if she can do this to him then she could do this to you or ANYONE for that matter. There should be a level of trust and there clearly isn't with this woman and it doesn't matter what's happened in their private life. The fact is, you get in a relationship because you have seriously strong feelings about the other person, because that person fills a gap that no-one else can or at least that's what I believe anyway. You stay committed, you don't cheat, you don't go against your partner. These are just guidelines we are all aware of. And she's breaking them. And if you don't feel for the other person, you let them go, simple as that. But she's stringing this guy along now waiting for the next match to come along and there is NO level of trust when she has clearly, without even telling him, gone against HIS back to tell YOU how she feels.

 

It's a hard one to fathom because the consequences of so many possible roads to go down could end up with horrible repercussions.

 

A) You tell her to stop contacting you. That she has a responsibility as your close friend's girlfriend to be exactly that, a girlfriend, someone loyal, someone who doesn't lie or cheat and she is clearing showing you she can't be trusted and therefore you should end the friendship, forget the potential relationship, end the relationship.

 

B) You tell your friend about what she has done. If your friend is as close as you think, and you haven't wronged him by suggesting this woman seduces you behind his back then he'll see you as a team player, a trustworthy friend and he could do one of many things; get rid of her, it could very easily end the friendship between you and her and make him more vigilant to her behaviour which could make her change her ways or she might leave because she can't bare the thought of being loyal anymore even if she can't have the courage to end it or not, or it could end the friendship you have with him because then he might not trust either of you and get rid of you both but, if you've been at it behind his back and being suggestive to her and making her think more of you, then you can't really blame him because no offense to you, but a good friend doesn't go behind a good friend's back and wreck an entire relationship to get with his girl, I'm not saying you have or you would but he might see it that way, it depends entirely on how you deal with the situation and how he does. If you haven't done any of the above and he walks away from you, then he's lost a good friend.

 

C) You keep it a secret hoping that your friend's relationship improves. Do whatever it takes to make sure she sorts her head out, tell her how wrong it is and that she shouldn't want to be the person she is becoming. If she doesn't love him anymore then its time for her to walk away from him, wronging your close friend should make you angry and make you want her to get her priorities right. You have to teach her right from wrong because like I said above, if she does this to him or wants to, she could do it to you, or anyone and do you think it's healthy and normal having a woman that goes ruining relationships and goes doing God knows what with her boyfriend's best friends? Because it seems to me like that's what her intentions might be.

 

Play it safe. Make the right choice, it doesn't have to be any of the above, that's just how I would work out the situation. But either way, she needs to know where she stands and if you want to be a good honest guy then you'll do your best to help her only as a friend because the downward spiral from here will only land her lonely, upset and confused. And if she's a nice woman then she deserves the help she can get to make her see sense.

 

Getting with your boyfriend's best friends is so low. No matter what way you look at it, she could leave him, that's all it takes. Yeah it might be hard but what would she rather do, get with another guy whilst being with this guy, have TWO relationships going on, sex with two guys or even just cheating on your best friend with yourself or some other guy and lying and being manipulative and disrespecting not only to him but to herself? I'm sure if she sees sense, she'll know what she is doing.

It's upto you, you could make or break this situation. I'd be the good guy, but the way you go about this is completely upto you. Would you rather lose a close friend for a woman that's likely to do the same with you until the cycle is broken one day and she can't find anyone decent or anyone who trusts her? Or would you rather you keep your social life and do whatever it takes to make this situation go away? And believe me, not sure if you have lost best friend's before but let me tell you, it's the most painful experience you can go through.

 

Also it's good to note that you don't have to back off from your social life, if you haven't done anything wrong then why hold the burden of her guilty intentions? If she can't stand to be without you, then this will make her disappear because she genuinely won't be able to be in the same room with you and your close friend at the same time, and if you maintain your innocence and make sure your head is screwed on properly, by being the sober responsible example, you could make her realise what she is doing by allowing her to let her guard down in front of you and your close friend, allowing her true intentions and behaviours to come out, and then she'll realise she is on her own with this one. Don't side with her, be her friend, don't get personal or close. Do it right.

 

Hope I helped and good luck

[mhowe]

OK thanks, unfortunately that means not being able to see my friends a lot of the time as she is likely to be there.

You can hang out in the same group. Just stop hanging out one on one, no texting, etc.

[Snny]

I was stunned and not really sure how to react but I didn't want to do anything that couldn't be reversed without thinking it through, I just basically ended up suggesting we try not to see each other so much and see if that helps.

Good for you. You did the right thing here.

 

Why did she tell me this, what did she want? She hasn't told anyone else about this - would it be wrong to speak to her to find out more?

You basically answered you own question:

She and her boyfriend have been having a lot of problems and I'm really upset to say that I may be at the bottom of some of it

Because she isn't happy with her relationship with your friend and you are her "go to" person. This is how emotional affairs start- by spending too much time together without her SO.

 

Looks like you made an important discovery about friendships and relationships. I agree you need to distance yourself from them and refuse to spend any alone time with her. That time should be spent with her boyfriend.

[IvanTheTerribl]

And believe me, not sure if you have lost best friend's before but let me tell you, it's the most painful experience you can go through.

TRUTH! No truer words have ever been spoken. Relationships come and go and the heart mends. Good friendships are hard to replace.