ADVICE PLEASE - Mixed signals from ex Im dating again

[confused1111]

My ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago. Nothing catastrophic happened, no cheating, abuse etc.. It actually started over a rough financial patch we were in and things just progressively fell apart. Lack of communication mostly.

Fast forward to now. After speaking in depth about what went wrong, the cause of it, the fact that the financial issue is resolved by getting rid of the house we were sharing, etc we decided to start dating again.. We both agreed that it has to be an entirely fresh start and not an attempt to resurrect the old relationship. We each now have our own homes.

So we've been on a few dates and they went wonderfully.

My problem is she is definitely holding back. She is very affectionate when we are together. We speak of our intentions regarding the new relationship etc.. But it seems that when we are apart she couldn't care less about me. Seeing me, answering calls, texts, etc.. If I say I miss her she will say it back but she will never initiate any type of sign of caring at all.. Yet again when we are together she seems so loving towards me..

My question is how to proceed. I know 99% there is no other guy both from her assuring me so and from numerous mutual friends and family.. Being the dumpee in this I need to tread lightly of course.

Is it me?? Am I just being impatient and trying to rush back into feeling secure with her?? Is what she's doing explainable on a level I can't see logically right now?? Or am I beating a dead horse??

[Edmund Exley]

Sounds just like this

 

 

[confused1111]

You're right it sounds exactly like that... One question: since asking directly is being pushy, any opinion on how long (IN YOUR OPINION OF COURSE) is an acceptable time to be patient before I throw my hands up and walk away?? It's been just under 2 weeks so far. Thank you.

[pfbsurf]

If you are not attempting to resurrect your old relationship, then treat it like a new one. Which means cut out the neediness and relationship talk. Pronto. You being uber clingy. Not attractive.

 

If she is affectionate when you get together - great. You need to give her space and let her reach out to you.

 

Check out Al Turtle about relationship communication styles.

 

And you also should watch Corey Wayne on youtube. I have recommended him many times, he is a genius. if you want to have this work, you need to back off, let her come to you. She needs to initiate contact and affection 70-80% of the time.

 

Good luck!

[confused1111]

Thank you sooo much I'll look all of that up... I haven't pushed her at all but naturally I've wanted to... I want to handle this the right way and appreciate the advice GREATLY. It's good to know that it seems to be on the right track.. I will definitely back wayy off and breath.

[pfbsurf]

Sounds just like this

 

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Hmmm.... this is the same guy. No?

[confused1111]

Lol no I'm a different guy but someone else sent me that link as well.... Guess my situation isn't unique in any way is it? Thank you again

[pfbsurf]

kooky.

 

Anyway. If you can back off, regroup, even go "ghost" for a bit, you will get results, TRUST ME.

 

Corey Wayne talks about the "illusion of action" - the idea that there must be "something" that we can do or say that will make her want you more. It is almost always false.

 

he also (and i'm sure some women won't like this analogy) talks about women being like housecats - you have to let them come and go on their own schedule and terms, if you try to force the issue (pick the cat up e.g.) they will run away.

 

She already has an image/opinion of you, surprise her by behaving very differently...

[confused1111]

I'm at a point that I can back off. I think very carefully before I text or call her etc so as not to shoot myself in the foot.... The other day I had a day where I was soo frustrated that I didn't call her at all and then she called late that day asking to meet me for an hour..... I will be able to back way off now that I know that's the route to take to help this work. I didn't know if by doing that too much I would be making her feel as though I changed my mind about us..

[pfbsurf]

remind yourself over and over that there is NO downside to backing off or being silent.

 

and focus on yourself - just posted one of my favorite quotes on another thread

 

"The ONLY relationship strategy is self improvement"

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I think the bigger issue here is that you were the dumpee and you are now chasing her again to get back together. You may be trying to go back to where things were and she's not seeing this as a new relationship. She has complete control of the outcome. IMO you need to pull back, chase less, and be ready to walk if things don't look more promising. If she's not initiating, it means she's less interested in you than you are in her. That's not a good situation for you and you should take a deeper look into whether this second attempt is just another road to hurtville. Be careful you aren't blinded by hope.

[confused1111]

Yes I am definitely more anxious to make this work out but she has been very receptive to the idea and shows it maybe even more than I do with her affection towards me. Which I think also causes me some confusion. When we part it's after a phenomenal, hope generating experience. Then it's like she has an off switch towards me and it's been frustrating me.. I'm ok with backing off. In fact I haven't tried to contact her at all today since I posted this morning and she called me before and we talked for about 20 minutes, just chit chat, work, and solidified our plans to have dinner tomorrow night.

I guess I'm just trying to handle this all the right way, or at least the best way possible to have the best chance at a favorable outcome... I wasn't sure either if backing off would seem like I wasn't putting the effort into this that I should... After all of the advice and opinions here today I believe I'm just being impatient and pushy trying to rush things along and that's not going to work.. I'm going to find an outlet of some sort to distract me next time I feel the urge to contact her. I'll have to be content for now letting her initiate our calls and texts I suppose.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I would suggest going through a lot of the Corey Wayne - Understanding Relationship videos on YouTube. He goes into depth about how to best handle relationship interactions and would be very appropriate for your situation. There are a lot of videos, so start by looking at ones that best apply to you, but also randomly go through others that may not seem as appropriate because the information in those will also spark new thoughts and considerations about what may be going on. You don't want her to control all the interactions, but you want to work with her to build a mutual interaction while maintaining interest. You'll find these videos invaluable.

[confused1111]

WOW!! First of all let me thank everybody who responded for your support and advice today.. I reigned myself in today. I didn't initiate any type of contact whatsoever and sure enough she's been calling and texting me all of a sudden. I delayed the text answers but I did not ignore her calls. Her last call was before she went to sleep to vent to me about her day and to ask if we were still on to see each other tomorrow night... Clearly I was handling things all wrong by contacting her.. Second, I watched SEVERAL of the Corey Wayne videos. I can definitely see how some women would definitely take offense to portions of his videos but at least in my case he really hit home on a lot of his topics. The way he described certain things sounded like we talking specifically about my situation and it really have me some insight and direction.. Thank you all again.