Please help.

[SelfSabatoger]

I have been in an LDR for years. We have been engaged for the majority of the relationship. We used to visit often but finances make it difficult. We used to skype all the time. That has dramatically decreased. My insecurities because of my weight (yes he met me at this weight, I've been this weight through the whole relationship) have made me distrust everything and feel as though he doesn't want to look at me anymore on cam or be sexual with me anymore. I've brought it up on numerous occasions (my feelings) but nothing seems to change.

 

Now I do not care he finds other women online or in person attractive. That isn't my issue, my issue is hearing him constantly say how beautiful this or that one is, or how hot or sexy she is. The reason this is an issue is because he rarely says it to me. I haven't felt beautiful or arousing to him in a couple of years. So I begin to feel like he doesn't really want to be with me, I feel like a failure. All of this feeling left out, unwanted, useless, unattractive, etc has made me spiral into a serious self hating depression. Quite often I think he'd be happier if I just didn't exist anymore. The most recent issue was him telling me about a sexual mom with his ex and I was annoyed and cursed. Saying I don't care about his former sex life with his ex. I felt as though he was missing it, like he had so much fun with her and he wants that back. Turns out that was not why he brought it up, he was expressing how that moment ended up being a big failure and perhaps we can try to expand our self life in ways like that. But my flipping out caused him to say things like f**k you and calling me a f**king b**ch. He's never spoken to me like that and I know it's because my issues have pushed him so far that I think now he hates me.

 

I guess what I am asking is....how to I fix this? How do I fix me? How do I make this right?

[misssmithviii]

Well first of all, why is it still an LDR after year after year through an engagement no less?

 

Second, your issues will continue until you're confident within yourself. Seriously hunker down and make the commitment to lose the weight you want to, diet and exercise. If you're as overweight as you insinuate, the scale will drop rather quickly. It's always the last 20lb that are the hardest. Read some self-help books on it, anything. But give yourself a rule that you will dedicate at very least 30 minutes a day to exercising.

 

Lastly, nobody should ever speak to you like that. I question what you might've said verbatim to make him act so uncharacteristically as you say, but the point is - being angry at someone doesn't justify cursing at them in a relationship. My bf and I have never once yelled profanities at each other because it solves nothing - and we're both very invested in solving issues when they arise. People curse and point fingers when they have little to not desire to actually resolve anything.

 

Take a look at the relationship - I have to say it doesn't seem healthy right now.

[lavenderdove]

You have to examine why you are content to be in an LDR for years rather than in a real face to face relationship.

 

And the really large risk you run here is that he is compartmentalizing his life and using you for emotional support while chasing these women he defines as 'hot' or just watching porn and using hookers for physical intimacy while using these Skype sessions with you for emotional support. Which is a round about way of saying that you may never had a 'real' relationship with him that converts into a full time face to face and normal relationship/marriage.

 

You also need to examine why you want to be with a man who calls you an 'f---in b--tch'. That is truly horrible and abusive, and that is not how a loving partner should speak to you.

 

I think your first step here is to sign up for some counseling to address your life and determine what it will take to move you into a real relationship in real life rather than a Skype sex chat situation with some guy who talks about other women all the time and calls you an f--in b--th . Really, you deserve better than this and a normal life, and i think in order to get that you need to break away from this fantasy life you have with this guy and start pursuing real life relationships in your local area. This just isn't a healthy situation for you.

 

And if you are unhappy with your weight, a counselor can also help you break your emotional dependence on food and help you get healthy and lose weight so that you can be the person you want to be rather than relying on abusive men and Skype relationships rather than real ones.

 

btw, you can never 'make this right' if he is an abusive guy who uses some women for emotional support while drooling over other for sex. He's not interested in a normal relationship with you if that is what he does. And you shouldn't want a relationship with someone who verbally abuses you and is a hound dog drooling over other women while neglecting you.

[SelfSabatoger]

Hi Misssmith,

 

Finances and sick parents. I take care of my mother and son, while he takes care of his mother since his brother has nothing to do with her. Between all of our regular bills and recent job losses, financially moving is not an option. It is also the reason why we didn't get married a couple of years ago like we planned.

 

My words were I don't give a flying f**k about the sex life between you and your ex. The way he kept going on and on about it, I responded in a very negative manner and I know that. He has never spoken to me like that before and now he isn't speaking at all.

[SelfSabatoger]

Hello Lavender,

 

I agree I think meeting with a counselor would be a great help but it isn't something I can afford. I have looked into local therapists and what not before. We have been together face to face, just not recently do to finances. We were supposed to move both families together a couple of years ago but his mother got even more sick (I've taking her to doc appointments when I'm there), job loss happened and we are still struggling financially.

[misssmithviii]

Hi Misssmith,

 

Finances and sick parents. I take care of my mother and son, while he takes care of his mother since his brother has nothing to do with her. Between all of our regular bills and recent job losses, financially moving is not an option. It is also the reason why we didn't get married a couple of years ago like we planned.

 

My words were I don't give a flying f**k about the sex life between you and your ex. The way he kept going on and on about it, I responded in a very negative manner and I know that. He has never spoken to me like that before and now he isn't speaking at all.

 

Given he went on and on about something so inappropriate to begin with, I likely would've responded the same way you did to be honest.

 

You must ask yourself what you're getting out of this relationship. From my third person point of view it doesn't look like you two need to be together... Ask yourself if you're in the same boat you're in today - would you be happy? Not content. Not just satisfied. But truly happy?