No spontaneity

[shoreclip]

I've been in a relationship for a little over 6 months. Things are going extremely well. He's kind, respectful, intelligent, great in bed, my friends love him, I love his friends, etc. We have similar interests and always find things to do. On average, we see each other twice a week, plus the occasional weekend road trip.

 

So what's the problem? EVERYTHING IS PLANNED and EVERYTHING IS A DATE.

 

I understand that we're both busy professionals with separate lives, so obviously we have to plan things in advance, especially if tickets or reservations are required. But I would love for us to be able to spontaneously get together, yet I don't know how to make that happen. On several occasions, we were texting each other at night, and I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if he came over? Or if I went over to his place? We both have the night free." Or suggesting dinner, or a late night movie, anything that comes to mind! We live close enough to each other that it wouldn't be a huge issue logistically.

 

I don't mean to say that I want to spend every night together; I value time to myself, and so does he. I just don't always want to make plans days in advance! And I don't always want there to be a proper "date." Can't we just chill? Yet somehow I feel uncomfortable saying that, because I don't want him to think that I'm trying to rush things along. Which is odd, because we've already passed some pretty major relationship milestones, like meeting the parents (his idea), and generally talk about everything. But I can't bring this up because it sounds so... stupid?

 

Advice?

[beingawesome]

I don't see what's wrong with saying you want to try to be more spontaneous. You don't have to say there's a problem or that there's something "missing", you just want to spice things up and try something new. But if this is something you want, then you can't put the onus on him. If you want to be more spontaneous, then be more spontaneous! Instead of just thinking "what if we did this", why don't you ask him if he wants to do those things? It doesn't seem that complicated...

[weathergirl]

My advice would be to not talk to him about being spontaneous....just start being spontaneous! If you're talking or texting one night and you feel like inviting him over, just ask him to come over! It doesn't have to be a big deal...make it casual like "hey, I'd love to see you, wanna come over"? Using your own words of course.

 

The point is to just start being more spur of the moment and spontaneous yourself. You're right... after six months, things should not always have to be so rigidly planned in advance. But you should also feel comfortable enough at this point to start initiating things too...and being that you are more naturally spontaneous... just start initiating things spontaneously and see how he reacts. Who knows, he may love it!

 

The fact you don't feel comfortable doing that indicates to me a lack of intimacy in the RL. Take a chance and kick it up a notch. If it scares him off...then this is good info to have. If it were me, I would not want to be with a man who was so rigid and who felt uncomfortable getting together with me spontaneously or who got turned off whenever I initiated anything (spontaneously or otherwise).

 

I say go for it...again he may love it!

[shoreclip]

I know I should go for it, especially since I'm the one with the fuller schedule, and it was my fault that we had to start planning far in advance in the first place. But I'm also concerned that he'll take a casual invitation to mean that I expect him to be free (which I don't) or that I'm somehow crossing a line by infringing on his free time. He's never given me any indication that he'd be opposed to it, and he's plenty spontaneous (as far as activities) once we actually set a day to see each other, but I'm a worrier. Shouldn't that kind of "are you free now/later today/tonight" stuff be reserved for more serious relationships? Or, conversely, booty calls?

 

I should note that it's not uncommon for us to modify our plans on short notice - such as meeting up an hour earlier for a drink when we already have dinner plans - but it's always when we have already set the night aside for each other ahead of time.

 

Argh, I don't know how these things work! (The two relationships I had before him were terribly dysfunctional.)

[weathergirl]

Re bold, you're over-thinking it. And please stop being concerned about what he thinks (or doesn't think) about your doing something that is a perfectly natural thing to do after six months of dating. Or at any stage really.

 

It sounds like you're walking on eggshells with him. Afraid of doing something (or not doing something) that you want to do, for fear that he won't like it or will get turned off or get the wrong impression or whatever. Just be yourself! He's either gonna like it or not...but the alternative (walking on eggshells) doesn't seem like a very pleasant or fun way to be in a relationship.

 

Me thinks you need to relax a bit. Be genuine, be yourself. That's always the best way to be and the most attractive way to be. If that means casually asking him to swing by one night (unplanned) or go get a bite to eat (unplanned) or whatever you have a desire to do with him (unplanned)...then just do it. I would think he would sense your hesitation...your feeling of "walking on eggshells" around him, and no offense but your "uptightness" about it and THAT would turn him off...more than your just being your real and genuine self, spontaneous or not spontaneous.

 

In short, stop caring about turning him off. He will sense it and THAT will turn him off. If you're not comfortable around him, that will carry over to him and he won't feel comfortable either. If I had to take a wild guess, he's probably feeling the same level of discomfort you are.

 

>>Shouldn't that kind of "are you free now/later today/tonight" stuff be reserved for more serious relationships? Or, conversely, booty calls?

 

No, not at all! People behave that way when they feel a certain comfort level with each other, and it can happen at any stage, not just the "serious" stage. And no it's not just reserved for booty calls.

[kamurj]