Constantly looking behind me when I need to move forward.

[Sukiyaki]

From thinking of suicide, from wasting years of crying over someone who treated me terribly (probably because I was not self-confident which I am to blame) and because of how many people I worried, as well as acknowledging my co-dependency, mental illness, and so many other things and how I may have gotten a lot of my friends involved in my whirlwind of emotions.

 

I was told that there is nothing I can do about the past so I should have no harbor of it. Though, it's rather difficult to get past them because I still view those moments very harshly to the point where I consider them dark. I think this is the BIGGEST issue I have right now and honestly it's been draining me and making me very emotionally tired.

 

I continue to be hard on myself because of this, I'm still looking up ways to please a male and what they look for, knowing I'm probably not going to get one and working on myself if the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I have no idea if I'm confident or not (previous post I compared my myself and had fits of insecurity). If there is something wrong, I'll say it. It is now an impulse even though I'm afraid of confrontation; I didn't use to. I'm still not identifying what I did wrong (past wise), constantly going from one end of the spectrum to another e.g. placing the blame all on me and looking for ways where it's not my fault so I can stop to learn from my mistakes.

 

At this point, I would just like to be genuinely and truly be happy. That's all I ever want and I know nothing will ever compare.

[pfbsurf]

Why do you equate being happy with finding a mate?

 

its cliche but honestly, the happier you are on your own the more attractive you'll be to someone else.

 

Anyway, i can say that I"ve been where you are now, pretty recently in fact, and it just gets better if you let it. you are ruminating, stuck in a negative loop, and need to break that loop somehow. There is no formula unfortunately, but the traditional recommendations do work - spend time with friends, exersize, get your sleep, don't drink or do drugs, go easy on yourself, therapy - all of that, plus time really helped me

 

I will tell you something that I figured out that really helped me move forward. Not sure if this will apply to you, but it has to do with rumination. I realized that my obsessive thinking/rumination wasn't the problem, it was just a symptom. The disease was my "all or nothing" thinking. If my ex didn't want me - NO ONE would want me. I would NEVER meet anyone else like her. I was a COMPLETE failure. etc. All seemingly true to me - all utterly ridiculous (I"m actually pretty awesome

 

It sounds simple but once i figured out that the thoughts I was having were not the problem, that there was one common element to all of these thoughts (the AON myth is what I call it now), it became much easier to stop ruminating.

 

In your case, you seem convinced that you'll NEVER be happy, that youre ex is the ONLY one - (at least that is what is going through your head at 1 AM in bed). "NOTHING will ever compare"... That is probably as likely as saying that the sun will NEVER come out again because its been cloudy all day...

 

So for now, try and figure out a way to take your mind off of all of this - there are no "answers" - no guy is riding in on a white horse to save you, but that is ok.

 

 

(edit/additional thought) - re-reading this it also occurred to me that when I really wanted my ex after the BU, or just wanted someone in my life, I was also in pretty sorry shape mentally - needy, depressed, just no fun. This was only a couple of months ago. Now who would want to be with someone like that? I look back now and realize that the only way i will ever be happy is if/when I am my happiest and most positive self - and meet someone who is on that wavelength. Like attracts like - i would have just ended up with a depressed needy mate... If you can relate to that then ask yourself if you WANT to be happier and healthier so that then maybe you can meet someone else that is happy and healthy... Make sense?

[Ms Darcy]

Out of curiosity, would you want to date someone with your mindset?