We've drifted can it b saved?

[Scorpio22]

I am married 12 years - together for 20 in total. We have drifted apart so much lately. My husband had depression a number of years ago when our kids were much younger (9&5 now). At the time we were both unaware of his situation but during this time I felt very unsupported emotionally financially etc. He denied he was depressed but it left me feeling that all his moods etc were taken out on me. It was difficult to get him to socialise etc no interest in going anywhere or doing anything even with the kids. At this time too he said he didn't love me and only for the kids he'd b gone. This really upset me but we struggled on. However it has left it's scars. About a year ago I decided that I would go back to some sporting activities and have reconnected with lots of female friends.This has brought about the opportunity for nights out etc - that side of my life I am so happy with. He's really not ok with these outings. The problem is that now he's out of his depression which is brilliant but I think my new found independence really bothers him. He still loves me but with all that has happened over the years I now feel somewhat indifferent - it's like he was 'gone' for a few years and now he's back all loved up and expects me to feel the same - but I don't. I haven't given him reason to mistrust me but he's very insecure and regularly accuses me of having interests elsewhere. The spark between us is gone and the gap has widened. We went to 4 counceling sessions. He felt they were of no help and I feel that they made me see that he has control issues and is deeply insecure. I just don't know how to fix this. He puts a lot of pressure on me fix it NOW but I feel that it took time to slide downhill and will take time to get the feelings back. We almost separated in the past couple of days and I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. I would like to get back on track but don't know if it will work.

[ChiBrunette]

Whether or not this can be fixed - is ultimately between the two of you, and quite honestly, I'd say the anser lyes in your hands, not his.

 

A lot happened over that span of time and it is truly unfair for him to believe that you can simply snap back and pick up where you left off before he emotionally checked out. I think its fair to say that his expectations for you are unrealistic at best.

 

You were left to live in an emotionally void marriage, you had to pick up the pieces, take some pretty harsh criticism (regardless if it was his anger or depression talking - those words are hurtful and they do scar), and you had to carry on with life. You won't be able to simply bounce back or heal simply because he's decided to check back into life and apologize.

 

I read that you did the counseling and it opened your eyes a bit, so now my question for you would be, can you handle his controlling nature, his jealous behaviors, and the constant accusations? Or would you rather walk away and cut your losses?

 

In the end, only you know what will make you happy. It seems to me (however I dont know him) that he isn't interested in the counseling or working on himself... and with the constant accusations of cheating, I'd say he needs more than 4 sessions. So it truly is up to you on whether you can live with this longer or if you finally cut your ties and rebuild that portion of your life as well? It sounds as though you have a great support system in the background that would help you get through should you chose to leave.

 

Good luck on whatever path you take, just know that no. It's not even feasible for you to simply bounce back because today he's decided to check back in.