Friday, i'm still in love with him.

[KatzenMoon]

Hello everyone, i'm posting here so I wont text him (I successfully haven't in 2 weeks) or "blow up" his phone.

 

We met through a mutual friend in January 2011 at an arcade that I had frequented previously with my group of friends. Funny thing is that HE used to do the same thing with his friends, we just never knew that we had crossed paths. At that time, his first words to me was "Have I met you somewhere before?" He had, and it was at the 7-11 nearby his dad that he had seen me at (and I put 2 + 2 together and I realized he and I struck up a conversation while I was assisting other customers). So that was one of the many run-ins that he and I had prior to dating. He had grownup in the same neighborhood as I did (but I never knew that), and his past and my past had a small connection by way of someone unsavory being a friend of a friend (which became very useful during our relationship).

 

Anyways, our relationship started fast and very furious. The night I met him, we slept together. There was just this magic in the air, and I felt very safe around him as if we had already known each other for a very long time. I know some women would not do what I did, but I couldn't resist how I felt at the moment. I was extremely vulnerable considering my mother was moving away and my grandmother had just died. At the time, it felt as if he had fallen into my life like a safety net because I felt I could not escape the pain I was experiencing at home. Ever since that moment we were completely inseparable. He had his own apartment, job and was secure in his place in life. He had cats and I had cats. Everything seemed great. I never wanted to "rely on a man" before I met him considering I wasn't even LOOKING for anyone when I met him. It just sort of happened. Like kismet. He provided me with so much emotional support at the time, it all sort of felt right to me. So I started spending more time at his apartment as my mother made more of an effort to go through with her plans to move out of state with my brother. So at this time, my home was becoming no more. My father and I were not getting along at the time (issues stemming from divorce when I was a small child) and I felt like I had nowhere to go, so he asked me if I would like to stay with him. Obviously with my emotional state at the time it was like the best thing anyone could hear at the time. This being the Spring of 2011, 2 months after we started dating.

 

So after I started moving my things in with him a bit at a time... nothing major, he and I were involved in a major car accident that also involved 2 other cars. Since he already has back problems, this just made it worse. He had to stop working, I had to stop working since I was also injured in the accident. Looking back, I believe this was the moment where we became serious. We leaned on each other because we were involved in something so major. Both of us were dependant on each other since we couldn't really do much other than go to physical therapy, tend to our injuries and deal with all the legal hoops we were experiencing. It really all seemed overwhelming to us, considering I had never gone through anything like this before. In the end, we were both awarded settlements, and they both helped us out with our money problems.

 

Thats one thing we had was money problems. It was always money or small petty things that always seemed to get in the way of a seemingly happy relationship. We both worked part time jobs, but he took a break from his job during the time we were going to physical therapy and I was working at the time to make up the difference. This was during the recession by the way, so I was lucky to even have employment. So while I was working, I suffered a miscarriage in the middle of the night. Come to find out I was 2 months along, and it was extremely painful for both of us no matter how one deals with it. I believe he dealt with it internally and I dealt with it externally. I still find it hard to deal with because now I feel as if I will never be able to have children. He has his own personal struggles, but I don't think this had anything to do with it, considering it was neither of our faults. At this time, we were going through problems with our landlord, and my mother wanted me to come visit. Of course, I asked him if it was okay, and I would have never pushed the burden of moving EVERYTHING out if he didnt say it was alright. So during that time, we moved from our apartment to our new place, and to me it was different but not horrible. You have to live where you afford, am I right?

 

Once we got settled in, things seemed more real. We were a "couple" in a serious relationship. Thing is, we started to have fights about the dumbest things. Making meals, cleaning, making plans with friends, finding a job, etc. I always seemed to do something wrong in his eyes, but it never seemed like a deal breaker. One minute we were fighting, the other minute we were having sex. Thats how it was in the beginning. We couldn't get off of each other because we were so intensely in love right off the bat. We never wanted to be away from each other. He would take me home but I never wanted to get out of the car. One night he could sense this, and I didn't get out of the car, so he took me back to his place and we made love. Thats the spark I want him to remember. How intensely in love we were with each other. When we first met, we only had eyes for each other. Even to this day dating doesn't even seem like an option for me. I still love him very much, and I know he still loves me no matter what he says to me. Call it blind love, rose colored glasses or what have you, but you just dont date someone for almost 4 years and just totally shut down. We have ALOT of mutual friends together, and there will never be a complete split from our social circle. He has his own friends, but lately it seems like he has sought out my friends.

 

The break up itself was so random. It came completely out of the blue. I mean yeah, couples get into disagreements about things getting too "real" or having problems when life gets too difficult. His reasoning seems to be that I had a hard time getting a job and that my fear of driving made it difficult for him to feel like he had to drive me around all the time (when that never seemed like a problem before). We were always with each other 24/7. He wanted to be around me and I wanted to be around him, which is why im having such a hard time with this breakup. Im living at my fathers house right now during all this, and struggling to get a job (after being on so many interviews) which makes me feel like im treading water. I just want all of this to go away, and I want to get back together desperately.

 

Sorry this is so long, but I had to get this all out somewhere.

[sky09]

How is/was your communication? (during the relationship) Can you sit down with the guy and have a meaningful conversation? Can you agree on things and are willing to work on yourselves? A lot of times, a break is a good thing. It allows people to work on themselves. Doesn't have to be permanent, either.

[BentGattling]

Stay no contact. 2 weeks is good. Just take it one day at a time. Quite a narrative you got there.

 

To me the whole 24/7 is intolerable or maybe I'm just old. People need space. Its hard to grow when you are around someone else all the time. Before you met him you said "you never wanted to rely on a man." Well lets see it action, stay no contact, be civil but non-communitive when around mutual friends and go out become somebody special. Only KatzenMoon can be her salvation.

[KatzenMoon]

Sorry about the huge long post everyone.

 

Right now, im trying not to talk to him. However he is in contact with MY friends. He told me he was seeing other people, but I dont think he really is if he's trying to hang out with my friends who are taken.