IDer89 Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Hi all, me again.... So some of you might be familiar with my break up and my story. I'm not going to repeat it here as I'm just really looking for an outlet to get my thoughts out of my head and in to the world. I'm not really looking for any comforting words here and am fully aware of how ridiculous I'm being. What I am about to stay is 100% a sign of my generation (24) and if I was to hear this from someone else I'd tell them to not take it too seriously. But.........over the past week or so 4 out of 6 of her cousins have unfollowed me on Instagram. It is what it is I guess, she has a big family and they're pretty close - the age range is a year younger than us all the way up to about 30ish. I just find it a little s***ty because I spent a lot of time with these people over the past couple of years. It just comes as a blow as with losing her, I've also lost an extended family I became quite fond of and thought we'd stay in touch. The funny thing is she hasn't unfollowed me (yet) and I guess the paranoid side of me just asks "whats being said about me". I did nothing wrong, apart from move so just a bit miffed that they have gone out of their way to do it since I only posted three pictures since I moved back, it's a bit childish really. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Her cousin doesnt have any reason to be interested in your social media anymore. This means nothing. Link to comment
Patrick974 Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Yet another social network drama ... Link to comment
IDer89 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 Yet another social network drama ... Yup, like the post said just letting my paranoia escape out of my head, through my fingers and onto my keyboard.... Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I think you said it in your post. You are being ridiculous. Are you actually taking any practical steps to heal beyond obsessing about her? A luta continua Link to comment
IDer89 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 I think you said it in your post. You are being ridiculous. Are you actually taking any practical steps to heal beyond obsessing about her? A luta continua Well, this isn't really about her - I'm not sat here crippled over a few Instagram followers it was just an "oh well that kind of sucks" moment. Like I said I spent a lot of time with some of these people and I didn't think that losing her would mean they'd take practical steps to cut me out..... But yeah I'm taking slow but practical steps to get on with my life at the moment. I'm seeking counselling which is helping, I'm trying to get back out on the job market so I have a focus and I'm also taking driving lessons since I've used the excuse of living in big cities too long for not getting my license. Link to comment
Penseur Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 This sort of thing does suck. It hurts. But it's normal to see. Sort of a tribe mentality; loyalty if you will. Do any of your family members keep in contact with you ex? Would you be very happy about it if so? If that would honestly not bother you, then you would be some kind of marvel. Just imagine that scenario. Link to comment
IDer89 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 This sort of thing does suck. It hurts. But it's normal to see. Sort of a tribe mentality; loyalty if you will. Do any of your family members keep in contact with you ex? Would you be very happy about it if so? If that would honestly not bother you, then you would be some kind of marvel. Just imagine that scenario. Thanks for understanding, it does suck. Especially since my ex hasn't taken any steps to remove me so it just makes me ask the question if for the two+ years I spent seeing them almost every week was merely a matter of putting up with me. Before anyone jumps and says "it doesn't matter you're out of their lives" - it does matter to me as I did nothing but try be my best to these people. Unfortunately my family is smaller and not as close, also a little bit older than hers so they aren't connected. Our relationship didn't allow for much interaction with my family or hers in the first year as we lived quite far away from them. Then the two following years we moved to the same city as her family so spent a lot more time interacting. A lot of my friends are still connected to her though and I can't say how I'd feel if they spoke to her.... Link to comment
Penseur Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Try not to take it personally. I'm sure they weren't faking liking you. As observant as you are, as shown by your posts, you would have assuredly noticed in those two+ years if they were being inauthentic. If you are only now thinking they were just putting up with you for the sake of your ex, then you must realize these thoughts are only founded on the fact that you have been unfollowed on Instagram, and not because of any concrete evidence from your past interactions with them. Nobody likes being rejected and ostracized. Your feelings here are normal. I know some folks like to dismiss these feelings because all this is occurring on a social network, but we have to understand better as humans, in my opinion, that our online social networks are the modern day bowling alleys, churches, diners, coffee shops, neighborly gatherings, and such forth, where people once congregated and socialized with a larger group of people. That sort of thing has virtually vanished in Western society. Yes, we still go to coffee shops to talk with people (usually for a specific purpose and only to talk to specific people). Who on earth goes around the entire coffee shop talking to everyone? That sort of thing isn't practical in modern society because we don't know everyone in our increasingly densely populated urban and suburban centers. Your situation here is almost akin to being in the same bowling league and talking with them before the games started before your breakup, and then after the breakup, they just simply went to the other side of the room and avoided you. Same general principle. I got the bowling league metaphor from the book "Bowling Alone." It talks a lot about the decline of in-person socialization. But anyway, back to my point. Don't take it personally. This stuff is so normal. Your feelings are valid. I think you just have to accept that these folks just aren't going to be a part of your life anymore, or at least not anytime soon. Link to comment
IDer89 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Wow I am so glad you chimed in. You pretty much hit the nail on the head and that analogy is so valid and true I couldn't have put it better myself. Its strange that we all have this disdain for social networks yet they are embedded in to the route of everything we do - for good and for bad. The day after she delivered the bad news that we were indeed breaking up she went on to Facebook and removed our relationship status and took down the picture of us together, she also went on to Instagram and removed a bunch of pictures of us also. Bearing in mind she rarely uses FB anymore (neither of us do) and she doesn't post too much to IG. To use the same analogy you did this is her basically walking in to a cafe that she doesn't frequent that much anymore and if we'd been married her removing her wedding ring, holding it above her head and then placing it on the counter for all to see. Then removing the picture of us she kept in her purse, a long with a photo album containing pictures of us both and placing that too on the counter with her ring - then walking out and not looking back. When this happened I tried to brush off my hurt feelings as not too important as it was just happening on social media but now you have given me a new viewpoint to actually validate the feelings I had last week. Although she declared to me, her friends and family we were no longer in a relationship doing so on social media was her declaring it to all those she has ever come in to contact with in her life, that indeed this relationship was now over - almost as if she was sending a flyer around the community to announce it or erecting a large billboard. Link to comment
IDer89 Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 So I can kind of confirm that there is something not quite right with her cousins viewpoint of me.......not quite sure what it is I'm meant to have done? The back story is I am doing some contract work remotely which started before the break-up. I mentioned to my 'boss' that my (at the time) girlfriends, cousins boyfriend might have a few connections we could tap in to and he himself would also be interested in the project. My 'boss' asked if I could see if he was interested yesterday so I sent him a message on Facebook explaining the project and mentioned this was strictly business and nothing to do with my ex. He has flat out ignored the message even though it said he read it and then the following day also unfollowed me on Instagram - a long with his girlfriend (my exes cousin). Theres something not quite right here as we are all young 20 something adults, college graduates and in the professional world. If he wasn't interested he should just reply to me instead of flat out ignoring me. I've spent weekends away with this guy, been out for meals as a couple, been with him at the same family gatherings. I mean whats happened to me could also very easily happen to him being as he's just as much on the edge of the family circle that I was....... It's highly annoying because what ever game they're playing makes me look bad professionally now aside from what ever they're discussing/bad mouthing about me with my ex right now. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 You seriously need to back off anything associated with your ex including but not limited to engaging with this strong impulse to analyse her, obsess about her, have illusions about her, associate with people in her life, blame her you name it. It is hard we have all been there before but there comes a point when you seriously have to let things be exactly like they are. I think your behaviour and trying to control this is starting to border on stalking and harassment. Seriously BACK OFF A luta continua Link to comment
IDer89 Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 You seriously need to back off anything associated with your ex including but not limited to engaging with this strong impulse to analyse her, obsess about her, have illusions about her, associate with people in her life, blame her you name it. It is hard we have all been there before but there comes a point when you seriously have to let things be exactly like they are. I think your behaviour and trying to control this is starting to border on stalking and harassment. Seriously BACK OFF A luta continua The thing about the cousins boyfriend is something I'm in a difficult position with and I thought had nothing to do with my ex at all. It's business, professional, a promising avenue that I expressed to an employer before any of this happened that am now expected to follow through with. As I am here trying to pick up MY life and make progress just by association with her a promising potential business deal falls through and leaves me looking like an idiot to someone paying my wages. Everything that I am posting here is things that I am thinking and want to share with people. The alternative is to sit alone with my own thoughts and let them eat me up inside. Sharing is far more healthier to me and gives me peace of mind whilst I try pick up the pieces. Everything I post are things that bother me and I don't want to just shut them off right now, everything is still very fresh and I'd much rather deal with it now than still be pining over her six months from now. I would much rather post about this here than actually contact her and ask the question "why are your cousins distancing themselves from me". I'd rather break down on a forum than break down in front of her and actually harass her in that manner. To you point, I haven't done anything to harass or stalk her. I've not contacted her since we broke up, no texts, emails, phone calls, Facebook messages, picture comments you name it, nothing. I sent some flowers because I thought it was the appropriate thing to do to congratulate her on something that has also been a big chapter in my life to date. She was a huge part of my life for the past three years, I gave up my friends, family, country just to be with her and then had to return and face picking up the pieces alone. I don't think your comments are nice or helpful, in fact quite rude and mean. This is how I want to heal the wounds and would much rather express my thoughts here with CARING people than to sink in to depressed state. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Leave your ex and everyone associated with her alone. Seriously go no contact. Their reaction to you tells you that much. They are not keen on maintaining their associations with you and are not being polite about it. See from the virtual exile they have imposed on you. They are literally trying to banish you from their lives. Can't you see that? No amount of hurt or annoyance from you will change that. No number of dangling potential jobs and project carrots will change that either. You will not be able to move forward until you accept the demise of your relationship and let go of all your attachments to everything associated with your ex. Purging your social media is a good start. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You cannot heal until you create an enabling environment for that. Good luck but I almost want to shake you and tell you to sober up. It ended move on! Is it sad? Of course. Will it be easy? Certainly not. Will it hurt like there is no tomorrow. You bet. But that does not change the fact that it ended move on leave your ex and her family alone. Only and only when you do will your sky start to clear in time. A luta continua Link to comment
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