Having doubts about a new marriage

[nanomyte]

I just got married 3 months ago, and I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Any advice or stories anyone can offer would be great.

 

The Main Details

 

I got married before I think I should have gotten married (My previous divorce due to my ex-wife's infidelity was finalized roughly a year ago -- no kids or lingering links to the ex-wife of any kind). My current wife (whom I've known for 7 months) is an incredibly nice and supportive woman who has profound mental and interpersonal issues (she's bipolar, has almost no self esteem or self confidence, is incredibly sensitive to everything disruptive in life, is smotheringly dependent on me, has no long term goals, dislikes being around other people besides me, comes from a seriously dysfunctional family, can't sleep in the same bed with anyone else including me, lowers her head in a submissive fashion every time we hug, and routinely calls me cutesy pet names while having sex). There is also a large education gap between us as I am working on my Ph.D. in Engineering, while she is working on her associate's degree and had a home schooled education that taught her very little of the science or math that most people learn in high school (and she has little want to fill those gaps in her education). We also have very few recreational activities that we enjoy doing together.

 

My wife and I are both people who love to see others happy, and we both represent the nicest person the other has ever been in a relationship with; however, my wife also leaves me feeling unfulfilled in ways that are important to me such as intimacy, security, personal independence, and the desire to have an intellectual conversation. At the same time, my wife also does lots of nice things for me like making me cookies while I'm studying, or surprising me with breakfast in bed.

 

We got married because we were getting along so well when I had to move accross the country and her religious family would disown her if she lived with me without getting married first. In other words we got married to continue a budding relationship that showed promise. My wife and I do get along most of the time, although I think that is because we are both courteous, thoughtful people.

 

I think there is a chance that this relationship might work (if she works through many of her problems which she says that she'll get to when she's ready, yet steps toward this goal appear to be roughly stagnant), but at the rate things are going it would take a long time to find out for sure. I'm 28 now, and I don't want to be single again in my 30's if things don't work out, and my patience and tolerance haven't fully regenerated since dealing with my ex-wife (my ex-wife did lots of un-good things while having the affair). Honestly, if my wife and I were still dating, I think I would have broken up with her around now.

 

I feel like I'm married to a mixture of a woman that most guys would love to have in their life and a woman who studied "how to lose a guy in 10 days" looking for great ideas.

 

I am looking for a way to bring up marriage counseling because some of these issues might be a bit too much for her to handle in a conversation. Isn't it a bad sign to be seeking marriage counseling after being married for 3 months? I feel more and more like I made a mistake getting married to this woman. I do really care about her though, and I worry that if we break up that she may harm herself or end up with a really mean guy (as she really seems like the victim sort).

 

 

The Extra Details

 

A little about me: I generally fall into the "nice guy" category (I am very even tempered and humorous with my feet on the ground and known to randomly do things for my partners such as massage their hands and feet, cook them various food or confectionary delights, or buy them cute, stuffed animals. On the flip side, I am somewhat anal, my humor can be a bit pointed when things aren't going well in my personal life, and my excess of patience, understanding, and tolerance can lend me to becoming an enabler of other people's problems.), and I am working on my Ph.D. in Engineering. I divorced my previous wife because she was cheating on me for nearly a year before I told her that I wanted a divorce (I tried to make things work with her for 9 months before realizing that she was never going to end the affair). My ex-wife has been completely out of the picture since about a month after the divorce was finalized (once I got the money back from when she kept using my checking account), and I worked out my issues involving specifically her before I stopped speaking to her. I had a 3 month relationship (which I ended because I wasn't ready for another relationship at that point) and a few flings between asking for a divorce and meeting my current wife.

 

A little about her: She is 23 and has a dysfunctional family and a history of bad relationships; however, she is an incredibly caring person. Her education is lacking, especially in science and math (and she has an accompanying "I am stupid" complex from it), because her mother insisted on homeschooling her due to her mother's fanatical religious nature (private religious schools were deemed too secular by her mother). My wife grew up with very few friends because of her mother's sheltering nature (my wife's father let her mother make the family decisions) and my wife can relate stories about how her mother performed a real exorcism on my wife's sister in that sister's early teenage years because she was listening to rock and roll music (my wife's mother actually performed real exorcisms for their church). Her relationships with guys exclusively include distant people who neglected her or people who would hit her and tell her that she was worthless. She is a very nervous and anxiety ridden person who avoids even small groups of people, starts shaking or crying at the thought of driving in snow (she has had two accidents without snow and we get a lot of snow in Upstate NY), and becomes hysterically sad if an animal is hurt on a fictional TV show (even cartoons). Also, she sometimes cannot be consoled unless I use a small beanie baby dog and pretend to be it's voice (which makes some sense because her best friend growing up was her dog whom she still experiences separation anxiety from at least a couple times a week since moving accross the country from him once she and I were married, 3 months ago). There are more things to write here, but I cannot remember all of them at one time.

[fantasia2004]

Even though you married her for a couple of months too soon, do you really love her despite these faults or flaws?

[princess81]

Ok I dont think that its too early for counseling. And I unlike many people dont believe that love is enough to make a relationship work (just my opinion) you guys sound like you had a gun shot wedding and I know what that feels like I was dating a guy got pregnant and because our very traditional puerto rican familys we had to get married well I took a stand for me because he wasnt going to even though I knew he didnt want to marry me either so I said no he had only been divorced from his wife for a year who bye the way was cheating on him with his bestfriend of 20 years. So honesty is key and you should let her know how you feel you dont have to be ashamed of wanting more for her like you are working hard to have for yourself which will benefit her in the end and dont dwell on what happened wether you should have waited longer or not you really cant changed what happened you can only change what will countinue to happen. Hope I was of some help and of course its just my opinion.

[tosing]

I was once married to someone who was extremely insecure about himself personally, but confident about his talents. However, his insecurities outweighed everything.

 

Between us, there was also an educational gap. He couldn't read or write, and at the time we married, I was working on a bachelors degree (I now have a Masters).

 

Around two months after I married him, I realized I'd made a big mistake. He was violent and verbally abusive towards me. What kept me in was:

 

-I didn't believe in divorce

-He looked outstanding

-Outside of treating me bad, he was a nice guy to other people

 

Ultimately, I was unhappy and didn't want to hurt his feelings, until I realized I spent most of my 20s with him, and I was wasting my good years with a guy who wasn't so great for me.

 

Based on your post, regardless of how level headed you sound, you're housing anger in your heart of hearts. I can tell you're not satisfied, and with your educational level, I'm sure there are occasions where you'd like her to accompany you, and she can't because - - she just can't.

 

Ask yourself if you can live with her for another 20 years. If you can't see that, get out now.

[nanomyte]

Having gotten divorced from someone I loved, and who I'm sure loved me, I'm fairly certain that the love that I have known thus far in life does not solely equate to a healthy marriage. I do love my current wife, but I don't think I respect her anymore. I found it very hard to deal with when she changed her mind about wanting children the week before we got married (after everyone in my family bought plane tickets) when I really want children at some point. I went through with the wedding anyway thinking that she was having last minute gitters and was subconsciously testing me (I later found out that she never wanted children because of how her own family turned out before she met me). She seems to be slowly changing her mind about children, but I'm wondering if I should really be with someone who is on the fence about something that means so much to me. It's not just that though as there are really many things that she does that make it hard to respect her (things like she says she doesn't like herself and she lies to her parents about certain things because she says her parents are happier when they don't know certain things about her life).

 

I have talked with her about many of these issues and the ones I listed in the initial post above, and the first words that she usually comes up with are asking if I want to get divorced (for the first month and a half after she and I got married she occasionally talked about how she was still waiting for the relationship to end even though we were married because all her relationships eventually come to an end). I always tell her "no" because I'm not sure I want one yet, but my reasonings for not wanting one are becoming more ones of worrying about what will happen to her if we get divorced, instead of wanting to be with her. Although I do want to be with her some of the time (she is incredibly nice and has a warm smile when I can tell that she's thinking of me).

 

It also worries me that she says stuff like, "Let me know if something I'm doing makes you want to divorce me and I'll stop doing it because I don't want to lose you." or "You are everything to me. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you." Sometimes I almost feel trapped in this relationship (or else she'll do something stupid to herself), and feeling trapped doesn't make me cherish the relationship more.

 

I actually had a discussion with her a few hours ago about how there are other nice guys in this world besides me (this was after she told me that I was the nicest guy in the whole world -- I don't routinely bring up these topics), and she disagreed and tried to change the subject.

[Zorya]

nanomyte:

It is not your responsibility to totally care for this woman.

 

As for her inability to have intellectual conversations, why don't you focus on something she is proficiant in - literature for instance, or art and music. My best friend's academic interests are in mathematics and physics, whereas mine are focused in philosophy and "political science", but we still have great conversations.

 

Beyond that I can't say anything but help her get counseling, but you really aren't obligated to save her. Remember that. Stay happy.

[nanomyte]

Tosing, I think we may have a bit in common, as I don't really believe in divorce either (and my wife also looks beautiful ...as much as I would like to think looks don't matter at all, it is nice to have someone pretty trying to get you in bed. I guess looks don't really matter as far as important things go, but they do make for a nice plus. Then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and my eyes don't look for classical beauty).

 

The problem that I have with foreseeing the future here, besides not having a history book from the future, is that so much with her is dependent on how she may change with regards to conquering her mental and social problems. If she wasn't such a nice person, she's almost totally selfless in her desire to help others, then this would be a much easier decision... Although this reminds me of what my brother and his wife told me before I got married: "Whatever she's doing right now is how she will stay for the most part. Don't marry her expecting her to change." I guess I figured that once she was free of living with her parent's strict rule that she would blossom like a flower (at least on a few fronts). Now I guess I'm wondering if she already is most of the flower that she's going to be, and there are more thorns on the stem that I'm holding than I though before she and I were married. Ooops, I'll try to restrict poetry in my responses (I write poetry during periods of trial and tribulation). I just thought that was an appropriate metaphor.

 

Unless she does some serious changing within herself, I can't see myself being happy with her much past now, let alone 20 years in the future, but can someone really spend their whole life hating themself when they live with someone who is accepting of them and who loves themself?

 

I feel bad about thinking about leaving someone when they are a great person who has a crappy past. I feel like if they hang out with me they could get to like their life, but I'm also selfish in not wanting to wait for that to happen, and I'm scared that that will never happen. My ex-wife helped me realize that I am attractive, but I never outrightly hated myself (except for a couple times in HS, and who hasn't had a few moments like that in HS?). Sometimes I feel like I'm my wife's shot at turning her life around, but I also question if she's actually going to do that or just base her happiness on me (which I think she's currently doing).

 

Thanks for the tip Tosing. That sounds like the relationship that I'm in except that my wife can't do the scientific equivalent of reading and writing, and my wife is not abusive (except maybe to my patience and understanding).

 

I am kind of housing anger inside because I don't want to get divorced again, and I feel really bad that if we do get divorced that she would have to move back home (over 1200 miles away) with all her stuff and in shame (as viewed by herself and her family). I'm also concerned about what her parents might say or do to her since she would likely have to live with them while getting back on her feet back there (it would surprise me if she went somewhere else). Also, when I got divorced last, I did it because of something that I felt okay with (a complete and irrepairable loss of trust), but I'm not sure I could feel okay with getting divorced because she has problems that I can't handle. I'm also kind of angry at myself for getting attached to someone who is so nice, yet has so many issues. I keep thinking of things in terms of "Can I live with her?" instead of "Will I be happy living with her?". I am very mutable and can swing with most winds to make the best sail out of any gust, yet that also means that I "can" live with anyone. Perhaps I am answering my own question here, but does anyone have any comments on this topic? I am also concerned with viewing divorce as a way out of marriage rather than dealing with the problems in a marriage, yet I'm not sure if that applies with problems such as these.

[OnceAgain]

Nanomyte...

My husband has a history of bipolar disorder in his family and he himself has not been diagnosed with it but hase been diagnosed with depression. His past is not as terrible as your wife's however he does have quite a past as well. Our marriages are quite similar on a certain level..I hold a Master's degree while my husband has not even finished his Bachelor's. He can't finish school because something always comes up...the last being his affair with someone else. He has a lot of insecurities that shows up quite often and has been the source of his job losses. He holds a very good paying job that most people that hold an Bachelor's would love to have.

 

I have battled with him for 6-7 years. We knew each other a couple of months before we got married and sometimes I feel that it was a big mistake. I'm in my 30s now and I suffered yet from another affair of his. The affair usually happens when he is in deep depression and he seeks comfort from another woman. He wants someone to stroke his ego, tell him he's everything and more but what he fails to see is that sometimes you don't expect someone to do that for you but rather yourself. It is not your responsibility to take care of her 100%. The purpose of marriage is not so one person can take care of the other but rather you mutually are there for each other.

 

She's very much a codependent. She's trying to fulfill everything for you but not for herself. She may think that she is but one day it will backfire. She does nice things not because she wants to but because she feels she has to or else she will disappoint you.

 

The relationship might work but only if both of you are willing to give each other equal support. I have met couples who have been in counseling prior to getting married and continue to be in counseling after the "I do's".

[nanomyte]

Thanks to everyone for writing back so quickly.

 

Zorya, she is proficient in the bible, literature, war history from her father's fascination with it (which she doesn't really find interesting even though she knows a bit about it), and movies with a special interest from the 1950's and before because that was all she was allowed to watch while growing up. Out of these, the only subjects that we have in common is poetry (I like to write poetry, but I'm not so much into reading it.) and war history (which she doesn't find interesting). As far as books and movies go, she has seen far more than I have, and although two people can always find common ground on movies to watch, and other such things, that isn't really the biggest problem in my eyes.

 

Something I had forgotten to mention until now is that she has much more traditional views than I of the roles men and women should take in society and had a disapproving view of the possibility of a daughter of ours doing something unlady-like, like becoming a scientist or an engineer (this comment is from before we were married when she was interested in having children with me). I vaguely recall her recounting that comment later, but that comment hints to me that she may not be a totally supportive parent if she were to become one (or that she may try to shape the child's viewpoints to match her own) which could lead to problems between us later.

 

I often think about the possibility of getting the marriage annulled instead of getting a divorce. Does anyone have any experience with this or know how it's viewed by the church?

[nanomyte]

I feel totally selfish for saying this, but I feel that since I feel confident in myself, and I love myself that I deserve someone who feels the same way about themself, and that I don't want to wait around for someone who is just starting the process to come to those realizations.

 

I told my wife about a week back that I was concerned that she is codependent on me, but she quickly said that she wasn't codependent because codependent meant "I hate you. Don't leave me." I assumed she was telling the truth about the definition, but regardless of nomenclature, I knew something was amiss (except I didn't know how to express it -- and what you're describing sounds like what I was trying to convey.). Thanks. I think I'm going to look up the definition of codependent and get back to her on that one.

 

I don't believe that my wife will cheat on me since her religious background would make her want to condemn herself (although your husband's reason for cheating is the same reason my ex-wife gave for continuing her affair after she told me that she had ended things. After I caught her cheating again, and I watched her lie to my face about the affair (again), then I knew I could never trust her again. That was when I knew the marriage was irrepairably over.).

 

Which brings a question to my head. Since I've only known this person for 7 months, and we've been married for 3 months, should I be asking myself if the marriage is irrepairably over (as it says in the divorce papers), or should I be asking myself if I should have ever gotten married in the first place? Does this sound to anyone like I'm trivializing the meaning of marriage?

[qavei]

This is going to sound harsh, but I think you already know the answer.

 

It isn't going to work. I was in just about the exact same position as you and I fooled myself for a long time that I could make it work, but it just didn't. You deserve to have a good healthy, happy relationship, as does everyone. Life is too short to waste in a bad relationship.

 

You've made it very clear that her personality isn't the type you'd like, and naturally not many people want to be in a relationship with someone who's that mentally unstable and has such low self esteem. She has LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of work to do on herself before she can even think about being in a commited relationship much less a MARRIAGE!

 

Like I said, I think you know the answer and you just have to admit it to yourself. It sounds like it'd be the best thing for both of you. It'd be proof positive that she has issues that she has to work on and it'd make her confront those issues.

 

I apologize if this sounds cold at all, but like I said, I was in the same situation. Just because your relationship isn't working doesn't mean you don't love her... you two just weren't the right fit. She probabaly feels inferior to you based on her instability and education and that's something that will probabaly never end. Plus you know that she doesn't have many qualities that you want in someone. She's nice and caring... well, people should be! =) She makes you cookies... that's very good. But it's not enough.

[nanomyte]

Gee, thanks for the tip on codependency. I just looked it up at uwsp.edu/education/lkirby/Interpersonal/codependency.htm and I realize now that she is complete basket case of codependency! Something I didn't mention before is that all of her stuffed animals have terminal diseases (in my wife's mind) so that they will need her to take care of them. She only buys food that she knows how to cook so that I will need her to cook for me. etc...

 

As I am new to the codependent scene, any codependency stories (good or bad) would be appreciated and educational as I'm not sure what to expect when I try to confront her about this and ellicit some change from her.

 

Of course this doesn't really explain her desire as a small child to bury her dolls in the backyard after holding funerals for them, or her current love of hanging out at cemetaries and using OUIJA boards with the hope of communicating with a spirit. She also has had a recent obsession with telling me that I have to win a Nobel Prize so that we can hang it on the wall even after I told her that engineers are not usually chosen for Nobel Prizes since they go to the sciences (the statistical probability approach wasn't very successful either). I am currently writing a patent proposal, but she doesn't seem content with just a patent plaque hangning on the wall.

[nanomyte]

I think inside I agree with you qavei, but I really feel like I'm in a totally odd situation because with her sleeping on the couch every night I don't feel like she and I are married. I feel like I have a gf who lives next door and we share a common living room, kitchen, and bathroom (my fellowship pays for all the bills even though she has a job to pay for groceries). I feel exactly how you describe with the lots and lots of work comments. The old addage of "You can't really love anyone else until you love yourself" keeps coming to mind as well.

 

My parents told me something that rang true in a way as well: that I wouldn't be able to live with myself unless I gave this marriage an honest chance. Truly though, I'm not sure if this is totally true since I don't usually feel as though I'm married to my wife (odd as that sounds).

 

As far as the nice and caring part goes, I know that a lot of people are nice and caring, but after my ex-wife's infidelity which she at first blamed on me not being able to please her in bed and that she was not really attracted to me sexually (a charge which she recanted later), my current wife's "healthy" libido (her therapist actually told her that she was a sex addict, actually I'm going to look up the details on that designation next) was making me feel like a million bucks inside.

 

For those who believe in reasons for why things happen... For a while now, I've been feeling that I was supposed to show her that nice guys do exist, and she was supposed to show me what it was like when my partner found me sexually attractive. Although I'm not so sure I'll feel like a nice guy when/if I break things off with her. I would like to stay her friend even if I decide that I can't stay her lover (even if to provide a friend for her to rely on when she is uncertain in life -- or would that cater to her codependency issues? I guess it's all in how that situation is handled whether it would be a friendship or an instance of codependency).

[nanomyte]

Well, I can say that I know she was a sexual addict before I met her as according to this site: link removed because she has had sex with people she didn't know because they were there and she was horny and having sex with the unknown person's friend at the time. It was actually that episode that made her realize that she didn't like where her life was taking her.

 

As far as her being a sexual addict now, I don't think she is, because she is a rather loyal person, and her addiction centered around the multiple partners/lack of self esteem issue.

 

Responding to the comment about her feeling inferior to me because of her instability and education, I know she feels that way. She is always apologizing for her fits of hysteria and emotional outbursts. Although the apologies are nice they get annoying in large numbers and thus become a double edged sword (much like how she constantly tells me that I'm a genius and thus can do anything or that I should be teaching my teachers).

 

When I tell her that something is bothering me, she goes to the complete opposite end of the spectrum from what I tell her is bothering me. For instance, I told her to please stop calling me cutesy names like "Munchie Wunchie"(which is actually a nickname she uses with her dog too) during sex because it's difficult to remain aroused when she does that (mind you she would call me only by nicknames during sex before this and only rarely referred to me by name at any other time either) and then she stopped calling me nicknames in general and I had to re-assure her that terms of affection are okay (and desired) at certain times and that my name is preferrable at other times (I'm definitely going to ask the marriage counselor this question, but does anyone have any idea if the fact that I had to explain this to her is indicative of anything psychological?).

[Zorya]

nanomyte:

Sorry if this seems a bit discombobulated, I can't sleep tonight so here I am.

 

You mentioned that one thing you dislike about the relationship is her not wanting kids, or being unsure about wanting them. Well reverse that and ask yourself if she's really the woman you want to have and raise kids with.

 

Zorya, she is proficient in the bible, literature, war history from her father's fascination with it (which she doesn't really find interesting even though she knows a bit about it), and movies with a special interest from the 1950's and before because that was all she was allowed to watch while growing up. Out of these, the only subjects that we have in common is poetry (I like to write poetry, but I'm not so much into reading it.) and war history (which she doesn't find interesting).

 

Hrm, well that's a bust.

 

I mean is she uninterested because she's uninterested or is she uninterested because she really wouldn't be able to understand?

 

Something I had forgotten to mention until now is that she has much more traditional views than I of the roles men and women should take in society and had a disapproving view of the possibility of a daughter of ours doing something unlady-like, like becoming a scientist or an engineer

 

Again - is this the sort of woman you want to have children with? And if that's her feeling on the matter, then she herself is not going to want to learn about those things!

 

I often think about the possibility of getting the marriage annulled instead of getting a divorce. Does anyone have any experience with this or know how it's viewed by the church?

 

Is she Catholic?

 

Since I've only known this person for 7 months, and we've been married for 3 months, should I be asking myself if the marriage is irrepairably over (as it says in the divorce papers), or should I be asking myself if I should have ever gotten married in the first place? Does this sound to anyone like I'm trivializing the meaning of marriage?

 

I wouldn't say you're trivializing the meaning, but it sounds like you ought to think about why you married her so quickly. I know your explanation, but I really don't think it is a good one. You should not marry "in hope of the better" but "for better or worse"

 

It sounds like you jumped right from your divorce to your relationship with her to marrying her. I don't condemn you or judge you, but do you think that you are also dependent? Or that this was a rebound of sorts, that you hoped would work out but moved too quickly? I've been there, when my first relationship - 1.8 years! - ended I jumped into a really badly concieved relationship within months of the breakup, and I'm still dealing with the consequences of that mistake.

 

Well anyways, that may or may not apply. I don't want to be down on your wife, but really it doesn't sound like a good marriage.

 

When you're with someone, you have to accept them as being perfect as they are, not as being almost perfect. You don't seem able to do that with your wife.

 

You mentioned her belief in "traditional gender roles". You also mentioned her reluctance to get an education, to better herself mentally, find a good and rewarding job. Doesn't it sound like she wants to be a housewife? And is that what you want?

 

One last thing, and this is probably inappropriate but -

 

A woman can "oops, I must have forgotten to take my pills" accidentally get pregnent when she senses that a relationship is in trouble. I'd advise you to consider that possibility if you consider ending things.

[nanomyte]

Thanks for the insight Zorya.

 

I'm not sure why she is dissinterested in so many things. She doesn't like cartoons, science fiction, nonromantic fantasy stories, TV shows in general (although she does like South Park -- which she's boycotting at the moment because Paris Hilton's dog committed suicide on the show --, Seinfeld, and Friends). She also doesn't like to exercise, play sports, go dancing, hang around with other people (actually she has very few friends), or many other things. About the only things that she likes are cooking, watching movies (mainly old movies and chick flicks), writing, and voluteering at the animal shelter (and we both went carolling (I sang and she played the piano and violin) at an old folk's home at Christmas).

 

She is actually rather odd with religion (I haven't figured her religious story out yet), but her mother is a fanatical, overbearing Baptist, and I worry what her mother might do to her if she and I had an annulment vs. a divorce (if that comes to pass). I personally am spiritual but not religious, so I am fine with things if they sit okay with me (I'm not trying to start a religious debate here though).

 

Good point about her not wanting to learn those things if she would look down on her daughter wanting to learn them.

 

I realize that I have some dependency issues, or rather that I'm an "enabler", and I'm trying to not be one. I'm often patient, tolerant, or accepting when I should be digging my heels in the sand. I realize that I should be accepting her for who she is, but I cannot as things stand. Part of me wants a housewife as a wife as I will likely earn enough so that she doesn't have to work, but a greater part of me wants someone who is educated and not a mental basketcase.

 

I do think that I may have fallen prey to the sterotype of the second marriage being one that is often poorly planned and a knee jerk reaction from the desire to pick your life back up from where you left off from your first marriage but without the problems of the first marriage. I know my reasons for getting married were not the correct ones that a person should have in mind when thinking about marriage, but that was what I was thinking (that and the adventure of the unknown). Suffice to say that if my current marriage does end, then I will definitely not jump directly into another marriage quite so easily or for any reason such as this again.

 

You are not being inappropriate as I have thought of the same thing. I am currently wondering what I should do about the topic. She's actually on the placebo pills in the cycle for the next few days, so I have time to sort things through before this becomes a real issue. Plus, I could always be *real busy* for the next month as I prepare for my doctoral qualifying exams (which I should be focusing on instead of letting this occupy my thoughts, but it's hard to not focus on the relationship between myself and my wife). I hope to be speaking to my wife about all this before then. I'm going to check out marriage counseling places today after I wake up... Time for me to go to bed now. ;-)

[Zorya]

nanomyte:

 

She is actually rather odd with religion (I haven't figured her religious story out yet), but her mother is a fanatical, overbearing Baptist, and I worry what her mother might do to her if she and I had an annulment vs. a divorce (if that comes to pass).

 

Again - you need to make sure you don't concentrate too much on saving her. She is the master - mistress - of her fate, she has to take care of herself.

 

This is just the first thing I pulled off of google, grounds for annulment:

 

* Misrepresentation or fraud -- for example, a spouse lied about the capacity to have children, stated that she had reached the age of consent, or failed to say that she was still married to someone else.

* Concealment -- for example, concealing an addiction to alcohol or drugs, conviction of a felony, children from a prior relationship, a sexually transmitted disease, or impotency.

* Refusal or inability to consummate the marriage -- that is, refusal or inability of a spouse to have sexual intercourse with the other spouse.

* Misunderstanding -- for example, one person wanted children and the other did not.

link removed

 

The last may apply.

 

I don't know about Baptists, I think the Catholic church is fairly tolerent of annuled marriages, although it discourages them it doesn't really shun people who've had them. Baptist churches have no central authority, so a church's view would probably depend on the individual church.

 

Her mother would be angry or not angry depending on her feelings, I've noticed that most Christians don't let dogma interfere with their personal choices.

 

I realize that I have some dependency issues, or rather that I'm an "enabler", and I'm trying to not be one. I'm often patient, tolerant, or accepting when I should be digging my heels in the sand. I realize that I should be accepting her for who she is, but I cannot as things stand.

 

I know.

 

Part of me wants a housewife as a wife as I will likely earn enough so that she doesn't have to work, but a greater part of me wants someone who is educated and not a mental basketcase.

 

Two things.

 

One is to ask yourself what level of "educated" you want. If you want a woman who can discuss your field on your level, you'll have to find another engineer.

 

The other is that another engineer - or a woman with a good academic career - is going to be focused on that and not as much on having kids and all that. There's a choice to be made.

 

On the other hand, I don't think it's too much to ask for a woman to be well educated but want to stay home and raise her kids - it's a pretty instinctual need, unless you're very smart and motivated, the desire to pass on your genes and better your progeny rules out a lot of other desires.

 

Plus, I could always be *real busy* for the next month as I prepare for my doctoral qualifying exams

 

Good luck. Good luck with everything, keep us posted.