Fuel for the Fire

[JGintheOC]

I guess as days go on my sadness turns into unfulfillment and confusion. I'm just at a loss. I have a busy life with my job, my close friends, family, my oral surgery situation etc. But I don't think any of it really has my focus but I guess the soreness/pain from oral surgery will keep me distracted for several days but eventually my thoughts will lead back to the same problem at hand.

 

It's so easy for me to just act like the closeness isn't at the level it used to be...It's different. I don't even know if its supposed to be called closeness but I guess its more comfortability. I miss the old him...I miss the old me. Pain changes your outlook. It makes you more realistic with yourself. I used to be this shy girl only a few years ago that would stutter and crash into things whenever a good looking guy was in the room and any nice thing anyone did for me I would appreciate. These days its not even amazing anymore. It's expected. I hate being used to it because anyone who doesn't meet the level that the bar was set at...will always end in my disappointment. So how do you lower the bar not too much but at least to the point to where I go back and genuinely appreciate things?

 

How do you go back and rewind? I just want him in my life again like it was...he still is but its different maybe lacking. That I do know. I think I've settled over time whatever he offered my way. But I deserve better out of him. But he's used to a life where he works too hard for no reason at all and bites his tongue because he doesn't want to get blamed for wanting a choice. I give him a choice every day and I go with his ideas, I encourage him to be himself weirdness and social awkwardness and all and I like doing things that he loves to do because I have those same interests because he's used to conceding to other people and being miserable and this is how it ended up for ME. The one person that encouraged him to be himself and then he goes around and fails me. Yes I have told him as much to his face.

 

We talk all the time about things and we both have this understanding that quietness means focus. But there's always something I feel is lacking that used to be there before. Excitement? Motivation? Desire? Comfortableness? I think that's what it is. Comfortableness in any relationship dynamic causes people to make less effort because there's this assumption of "understanding" there. What understanding does he think is there? It's like he used to go around stealing things of mine because he wanted to use it or eat it, I found it funny. But now, he won't dare touch my things. I wonder if it was something I said that made him think that I dislike him...he also references his work buddy alot and probably thinks that his buddy is my favorite? I don't know where he got that conclusion.

 

God I miss being motivated. He used to have this energy and this drive that was like fuel for my fire. It was infectious. It seems so lacking and has been for months.

 

Was I the fuel for his fire too? Did we have this weird dynamic that we're both so affected by the other that we behave according to how the other person behaves? Is he being lethargic because I'm being lethargic?

 

Maybe I should summon up some motivation even if its fake motivation...and see how he reacts to it.

 

Let me end this by saying if anyone says anything negative or mean, I will block you. I don't need that crap. We're human, we don't always follow our own advice or do things in a black or white sort of way. Sometimes some things are a mess because of normal mistakes, doesn't mean it should be ended. Understanding is all that is wanted and warranted.

[mhowe]

Maybe you should write a journal, because you really aren't looking for advice. You just seem to want to keep rehashing the same information and if you don't agree with what people offer you get upset and defensive.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm not sure what your question is here (this is not a criticism -- I tend to "think aloud" like that too, and it seems like I'm making a bunch of different points but not really focused on one thing).

 

After reading a number of your posts on this subject, I'll say again, I think this is far more complicated than it needs to be, and I think it's because you have very strong feelings for this guy -- of the romantic type -- and since you've never had an actual romantic relationship with him, you're stuck in this kind of limbo/purgatory state. You've got a lot of feelings that you have not expressed to him, and I think you were OK with that as long as your friendship was a certain way. Now that it has changed, there's all this messy, unresolved, unexpressed stuff inside you that is making you focus an inordinate amount of mental energy on him.

 

I can totally relate to wanting to rewind, to go back to the way things "were." As I mentioned to you in another post, I work with an ex of mine; we were romantically involved off and on for five years AND were really close for most of that time. Now, we barely talk at work -- well, we still talk a lot, by most people's standards, but nothing compared to how we used to, and we rarely communicate outside of work except maybe a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas text -- and for a LONG time, that was hell for me, that change in our relationship dynamic. I went through a period where I was so sad about how things had changed so dramatically between us, but it had to. He had a new girlfriend (though he never actually told me about her, I knew) and things just couldn't be what they were. A lot of the drop in our communication was due to me -- not just to him -- I needed to protect myself from further hurt, so I backed away AND drew a line in the sand, telling him that I needed to not hear about any romantic relationships/dating experiences he was having. It was hard, for sure; I obsessed, I cried, I felt sad and just wanted our old closeness back-- but eventually I accepted it. One thing that helped me to accept it, ironically, WAS the drop in contact. I was less focused on what was going on in his life because I was no longer getting the details. I wasn't spending so much time analyzing every conversation, analyzing every interaction. It really helped me to heal.

 

The other thing that helped was having LOTS of other things to focus on. I have a lot of friends, so I increased my social activities. I focused on exercise, hobbies, and yes, I focused more on my job (not that I wasn't doing my job, but for a long time, his presence made it very difficult for me to really focus). Now, I can go into work and be very productive because I'm not constantly thinking about him. I talk to other people, rather than waiting around for him to come talk to me.

 

JG, I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you need to find some other things to occupy the space in your brain, and your time -- whether at work or outside of work. This guy is having WAY too much of an effect on you, to the point where you seem to be obsessing a bit about what he's thinking and feeling (and the truth is, no matter how well you think you know him, you don't know what he's actually thinking and feeling, and what his motives are, unless he tells you flat out). In the absence of actual information, our minds tend to fill in the blanks with all sorts of suppositions and assumptions. As I've said before, I think you should be cordial and friendly -- in a work-sense -- to him, but while at work, occupy yourself with work and with conversations with others. When not at work, find some things to do that use your energy and time in a positive way, and cultivate relationships with others -- female friends, family members, other males (even just as friendships).

 

I can't remember who said it, but one of those self-help folks said, "What you resist persists," meaning that the more you try to fight the change in your relationship with this guy, the more you occupy your mind with it, the more it will persist, and the worse it will seem. It's important to find other things to focus on. I know that's hard. It took me a long time, but it's a great feeling to NOT be constantly preoccupied with one person. It definitely freed me -- I feel a lot lighter and happier now!

[JGintheOC]

@brown Of course I've had adoration for him. I've never denied it anywhere and yes there is alot of unexpressed things that I'm frustrated by that I've said as well. But most of it is this.

 

I am will to be more, be neutral, be nothing to him. Whatever it is, he just needs to pick it so that I understand and I can accept and adapt. But with him I get all 3 from him. Some days he's all cutesy, some days he's tact and other days he's unresponsive. The days he shows more...are the days he keeps empasizing "We this and we that", or when he gets jealous when I'm talking to his buddy "T" or any other male in the company or when he hears that something happened to me and he worries about me. Hell he was there when my uncle passed away and he has this weird subtle way of asking weird statements like as if he's checking to see if I'm unhappy being around him. I don't need beating around the bush stuff.

 

Either I matter or I don't. This misleading bull crap is not fair for me. I can't be happy because its like being dangled a carrot. I can't even talk to him about it cause he'll go into full denial mode or clam up. If he's scared to admit things, its understandable but I wouldn't know why he would be scared to admit things.

 

I was talking to his buddy T about my oral surgery tomorrow and his buddy was actively talking to me about it and what he thought and etc. That's when He decided to join the conversation and actually showed interest and as saying somthing about maybe that's why i've been having severe migraines off and on over the past few months. I remember thinking "Wow he noticed after all." Because all i remember is him not giving a damn when I had to leave suddenly because the migraines were unbearable.

 

If you care, show you care. Everyone else doesn't have that hang up. It's like he's resistant to tell me to my face and I'm tired of hearing about it from other people. I'm tired of him trying to not show interest in what's going on with me only to hear about he asked someone else about it. It's not fair for me.

 

Yeah sure I can ignore it but I need to have a functioning working relationship with him at least but he won't even be normal in that respect either. I can't even talk to him about work things because he doesn't pay attention or listen or say much in response.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hmmm...I'm not really sure what to say. I wish I could be of help, but I guess I can't. I can relate -- as I said in my other post -- to being distressed at a change in a significant relationship. You say you've tried to talk to him, and he clammed up. I tried to talk to my ex, too, about the change in our relationship, and I got told to "move on." OUCH! But...it was very helpful to me because, after that, I did. I was still in pain, but gradually, it lessened. Obviously, I still care about him, but he isn't the focus of pretty much all of my waking thoughts (and even a lot of my non-waking ones -- yikes!) as he once was. This is leading you to all sorts of conclusions about what he might be thinking, feeling, etc. -- and you are filling in the blanks with your own assumptions, which makes everything much more difficult. The ONLY thing you can do, if he's unwilling to talk about it, is to work on accepting it. ALL relationships go through changes. Some of them, sadly, end. We can fight it tooth and nail, but that's just the way it is, and the ONLY thing we can do is work on accepting it. Acceptance is a tremendously difficult process at times -- it can feel like too much work, but it has to be done.

 

His behavior does sound inconsistent; not being able to actually see him in action and observe your relationship, I can't say why. Clearly, his behavior bothers you so much because you do have this "adoration" for him. If you only cared for him as a friend, I suspect he wouldn't be taking up so much of your mental and emotional energy. You have different expectations of him than you probably do of others in your life, and that, coupled with his rather mercurial behavior, is frustrating and confusing. Since he won't talk about it, you have a couple of choices: 1) Try to force him to talk about it -- BAD IDEA; 2) Carry on as best as you can and act like it doesn't bother you -- better idea; 3) Best Idea: Significantly limit your interactions with him; I know you say you HAVE to talk to him, but how much of your job is really dependent on interaction with him? Whatever the answer, you might limit your interactions with him to ONLY those things that are pertinent to your job, and if he doesn't respond or doesn't listen, then walk away. Honestly, that's the best advice I can give. The whole thing just sounds really odd to me; I can't imagine why you can't have conversations about work, at least, without him behaving oddly.

 

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, but sometimes we have to accept that people aren't who we want them to be -- and that they aren't ever going to be. I think that the fact that you have never truly told him how you felt about him, and the fact that he probably has some idea but you've never really talked about it, might factor into his weirdness. I don't know. I just think that, for your sake, you have to find a way to step away from this -- and him -- and focus your energy elsewhere. Otherwise, you'll exhaust yourself.

 

I wish I could be of more help.

[JGintheOC]

@Brown. It is helpful, it really is. To answer your question, our jobs rely on each other technically. We're supposed to be co-working on things together. That's how it was described. But he has a tendency to want to do his side of things on his own. He's a self-admitted TYPE A control freak. So I do my stuff myself. But there are times where I have to talk to him to get his input ons omething and he wont' even give me a decent reply. Or he won't even pay attention/listen. I hate talking to people who wont make eye contact or stop what they are doing and just listen. But if anyone from our department or other departments walk in his office and asks him something. He'll immediately stops what he is doing and will be helpful and be all chatty. It's like what tha fakk. Or if I'm talking to people about something important, he'll interrupt our conversation take over and distract them into stuff he has a question about or he'll join my social conversation and include himself. That kind of stuff irritates me (i've told him about it before) and he got the hint and stopped bothering my social conversations but ever since we kind have semi hashed things out late last year...he started doing it again as if it was "okay".

 

Then you add in his "We" like behavior around me. He keeps doing it becuase of the dynamic of how we're supposed to work together but, he doesn't even work together with me with the doing things himself...but yet in other instances he's going to say we should bring this to the potluck, what did "we" get in the mail (he has his own mailbox). But I guess apparently his mail is my mail too and my mail is his mail too?

 

He's been a douchebag this morning. He keeps answering my phone, he keeps handling questions that are for me himself and I know he's just trying to be helpful which is great but if he's not going to share his stuff with me, then he needs to stop handling my stuff. So I have been nothing but annoyed with him all day because he also didn't say much to me today but also kept interrupting every single conversation I was in. So after a while I got annoyed and just needed a break so i went down the hall to talk to the receptionist about my surgery and he again follows me and walks in and was like I have something for you I just ignored him and kept talking to the receptionist...he got the hint so he never gave me whatever he wanted to give me.

 

Sure me getting annoyed is only going to perpetuate the "him not trying enough" thing but I just can't handle him being all weird with me all the damn time. This is why I cna't just "ignore" him.

 

If he's not interrupting my conversations, he's trying to be too helpful but not sharing his side of things, but then ignoring me and yadda yadda.