Can't stop thinking about her past...

[Man with Dog]

A few things to consider:

 

1. Narcissism: I'm a self-confessed narcissist but after a discussion on here about it, we established that I was not narcissistic enough for it to be considered a disorder. I think once a narcissist , always a narcissist but it is possible to learn to think of others and learn how to be caring, despite it

 

2. Friends: I've had a lot of friendship issues in my life, too. I get you but remember that friendship is a very important ingredient of marriage and parenthood. If you cannot be friends with your partner, it won't work

 

3. Culture: I married outside my nationality and culture twice. One worked and one didn't. My wife shares a lot of core beliefs with me. Looking back on it, my ex-wife didn't but I was too inexperienced to see it at the time. TBH, I guessed (correctly) that you were not from mainstream US culture. That doesn't make you a bad person but it means that you have different cultural values to most of us on the board

 

4. Related to above, virginity: Most people in the USA and Europe have sex before marriage. You may not accept it but it's fact. In my opinion, it is not the sexual history of partner before they met you that is important but whether they are faithful to you after you got together. Having sex with 3 people before you is better than someone you marry as a virgin and then cheats

 

5. Wife material: Many girls of 18 are ready for marriage. Most are not. They may have career aspirations and wish to undergo further study. There may be a million and one things they want to do before they get married.

 

6. Husband material: Are you husband material yet? Do you have enough experience of life and relationships to enter into a lifelong commitment? I have my own opinions but it is something you must answer for yourself

 

7. Don't be into a hurry to rush into the next phase of a relationship: I did and, as a result, married the wrong person for the wrong reason. Let a relationship develop naturally at its own pace. Is your girlfriend good girlfriend material? Do you really enjoy being with her? If you concentrated more on that than her past, you would appreciate what she can bring to your life now. Take her out on dates, snuggle up in front of the TV and, if possible, take her on vacations. Do not put any expectations on her regarding marriage, at least not yet. Learn to be her friend as well as her lover. Try to see things from her perspective and do nice things for her. You don't need to get her expensive gifts but something as basic as a nice ice cream or bunch of flowers. Make her feel appreciated and she will respond positively.

 

If you do all this and it doesn't work, it's not the end of the world. You have plenty of time to find "The One", if it is not her and you have plenty of time to build the relationship. Do not dwell on the past, do not think too much of the future. Enjoy the present with her.

 

Good luck.

[Lexy83]

If being a vergin is such an important value to you, then why did you lose it to someone you barely knew? Ok, you coulnd't wait anymore, I get it. But at least hers were proper relationships with guys she had feelings for it seems.

 

And for someone who says to be very good looking and narcisisstic you sure seem to have a lot of insecurities. Are you afraid they were better than you in bed?

 

Also, you shouldn't be with someone just because you feel like you NEED them, or because you don't want to be alone. If you don't love being with her and can't get over her past, then don't be with her. She deserves someone that can accept her for who she is.

[Strekoza]

Lexy83,

Being a "vergin" is an important value for me and I explained that I wanted to lose it to someone meaningfully but I didn't want to be judged on my first performance by someone immature who will give me insecurities, since I feel that this is what screws up lots of guys for the rest of their lives and sometimes leads to being maniacs and rapists. I didn't really look at it as losing my virginity as much as I just looked at it as a private class before trying it on someone I care about. As for her, only one of them was a proper relationship with a guy and I don't mind that. However, the other 2 were meaningless hook ups which makes me sick.

 

Im not sure if you can understand being a woman, but I'll try to explain anyways:

I am not at all worried about performance because I know I am a lot better in every possible way and she tells me that all the time. I just feel like I got someone who has been used by other guys to pleasure themselves and I start to question, why I should have someone as a girlfriend who would allow someone else to do that to her. Also, I feel she is dirty, because she has been touched by other people. For example if you had a bottle of water that was new and you drink from it knowing that it's your bottle, or if you had 3 other people drink from it and than it gets passed to you, wouldn't you feel grossed out that you must drink after them?

 

Lastly, I am with her because I have feelings and care for her, not 100% sure if they are love though. She does not make life easier in any way for me, it is actually a lot harder if anything. I do love being with her, but can't get over her past which is what makes this situation so confusing for me.

[Doc Blaze]

If you want a virgin..then dump your gf...she isnt dirty..she isnt used up..If you cannot handle it and virgin is what you want, then let it go. Dont stay with her and hold it against her...

[lerenard]

First of all - one time sex just to lose your virginity (because you felt like a loser) CAN`T teach you how to be good in bed. You need constant practice to do so. Sorry, but thinking that one time sex with an older adult will turn you into a wonderful lover is just beyond naive.

Then - your double standards are ridiculous. You had sex with a stranger, but you can`t accept the girl you claim to love? Poor girl! If you claim to love her - grow up and have some therapy, because you have too many issues, to be honest, and this young girl deserves a guy who isn't all about himself.

If this is so beyond you - find yourself a virgin and be happy. But honestly, virgin or no virgin - YOU are the problem here, and before you solve your problems any relationship will be such a pain in the a*s for both you and your partner.

Good luck.

[PetiteGirl]

Lexy83,

Being a "vergin" is an important value for me and I explained that I wanted to lose it to someone meaningfully but I didn't want to be judged on my first performance by someone immature who will give me insecurities, since I feel that this is what screws up lots of guys for the rest of their lives and sometimes leads to being maniacs and rapists.

 

Well, the way you lost your virginity didn't sound all that meaningful either. If you think you're going to feel insecure based on someone judging you for your first performance, then you are already insecure. It still doesn't justify how it's okay for you to lose your virginity while it's not okay for the woman if she's not a virgin. Moreover, it DOES NOT justify anything on why someone would turn "maniac" and rapist. Are you seriously so out of control of yourself that you have to blame other people for your own actions? Your insecurity and your action is all on you.

 

I didn't really look at it as losing my virginity as much as I just looked at it as a private class before trying it on someone I care about. As for her, only one of them was a proper relationship with a guy and I don't mind that. However, the other 2 were meaningless hook ups which makes me sick.

 

So you think you're better than her just because your way of losing your virginity is justified. You're based on a human being's value on her virginity. Sex is a normal and nature thing that humans do. Again, the way you lost yours didn't sound that meaningful either. Just because you learned how to improve your performance, didn't mean that you're going to be good in bed. One size does not fit all. You'll only be good in bed if you care about your partner's pleasure, and it doesn't sound like you care that much about her since you're hyper-focus on her past.

 

Im not sure if you can understand being a woman, but I'll try to explain anyways:

I am not at all worried about performance because I know I am a lot better in every possible way and she tells me that all the time. I just feel like I got someone who has been used by other guys to pleasure themselves and I start to question, why I should have someone as a girlfriend who would allow someone else to do that to her. Also, I feel she is dirty, because she has been touched by other people. For example if you had a bottle of water that was new and you drink from it knowing that it's your bottle, or if you had 3 other people drink from it and than it gets passed to you, wouldn't you feel grossed out that you must drink after them?

 

This is chauvinistic thinking. You're not that pure too since you've been touched by someone else before your girlfriend. If purity means more to you than who she is as a human being, then you're not dating her, and it sounds like you just want find someone to fulfill a purpose in your life. That is not love. If her past makes you sick, please do her a favor and set her free. She deserves not to have her time wasted on someone who is incapable of seeing her as a human being, not an object to fulfill someone's need.

 

Lastly, I am with her because I have feelings and care for her, not 100% sure if they are love though. She does not make life easier in any way for me, it is actually a lot harder if anything. I do love being with her, but can't get over her past which is what makes this situation so confusing for me.

 

No, it seems to me that you care about the idea of her or just the idea of having a wife. She's not the one for you. In fact, in my opinion, you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone outside of your culture if you blame other people for your insecurity and expect a wife to cater to your needs.

[Strekoza]

PetiteGirl,

 

I don't think I am as much insecure as I am a perfectionist who can't stand making a mistake. I am not exactly sure how this thread went from me asking for advice on my relationship to you identifying me?

This is just my theory on why a man would turn maniac/rapist and you certainly do not have to agree with it. Never did I say that he will blame it on someone, in fact he probably wouldn't even know that this was the cause in the first place. It just creates an emotional trauma from a young age that develops over the years, creating that end result.

 

You may think my approach is junk but so far it has proven itself nothing short of excellent and I would recommend anyone who worries at all about their first time performance do the same.

Actually, if purity was all that mattered to me and not her as a human being, than I don't think we'd be together in the first place and especially not together now which is almost 3 months later.

You almost make it seem like I have her chained up. She knows very well that no ones holding her and she is more than welcome to do whatever she likes.

I do see her as a human being, obviously not as much as I could have if I felt like she was only mine. I guess it doesn't matter at this point.

Also, what need is she fulfilling for me? Very curious to hear from a stranger.

 

I believe I have mentioned before that we are not married...

Not sure what idea of her you are referring to either, who am I bragging to? Our relationship is completely between us.

Yes, I was brought up thinking that a wife was there to make your life easier and to care for you, definitely not to create more headaches and chaos... Never realized you had to be of European descent to think so.

[Man with Dog]

You are getting a hard time from the ladies on here. I sort of get that you grew up in a chauvinistic society. I did! My parents filled the traditional male/female roles. The "double standard" was alive and well as I was into my 20s. I never totally agreed with but I remember telling people at school that I believed in equality for women in the workplace and was called a p00f! Needless to say homophobia was also rife in those days, too. It doesn't say it is right, though. To some extent we are all products of our upbringing and the times we grew up but we should try to be open-minded.

 

Your g/f had a couple of sexual hook-ups. So did I. If your g/f is dirty then so am I. I am not "clean" because I'm a man. Just because I had a couple of hook-ups before I was married does not mean that I'm going to after marriage. In fact, I have never cheated while married. OK, I get you feel differently but to me (and most people) a person is not dirty because of their sexual past. In my opinion, I could consider someone "dirty" if they cheated on a regular partner. Perhaps some people might not see infidelity as a major issue. I do but maybe not everyone does.

 

Now "performance": Not all people are the same. Sex is important but it should never be THE overriding reason for being in a relationship with someone. Being able to be supportive to each other and sharing common values. I agree with the other replies that having sex with an experienced woman does not make you an expert. Some people are naturally good at it but can get even better through practice. Mostly, it is not even about being "good" or "bad" in bed. It is one of those things that works great with some partners, is good with others but never really quite clicks that well with most.

 

I agree with the views that if virginity really is that important to you and neither I nor anyone else can persuade you that other issues are FAR more important, it is kinder to let her go. I've never met her but I suspect there's she's really nice girl who has no intention of being unfaithful to you. You should give her a chance and see that her sexual past has no bearing whatsoever on how good or bad a partner she is now or might be in future.

 

Good luck.

[InvisibleWound]

I use to feel that way which is why I didn't have sex until the guy I am with now. Hes been the only one. I had exs and we had a past of some sexual stuff but not sex. Especially in this day and age its very hard to find someone who hasn't had sex. People have exs for a reason their part of their past, and sex, well... Look at it this way everyone has different values and opinions. Tons of people start having sex at younger ages thinking they found the one then get hurt. Don't be like the other jerks and hurt her for a past that has nothing to do with you and that is over now.

 

Other than that do you get on well in other areas? Could you see long term with her? If this is eating you alive and you don't think you can get over it maybe its time to end it. Maybe you need to do some thinking with yourself and just accept this. I know nobody wants to hear it but again everyone comes with a past, some worse then others and its going to be hard finding a virgin if thats more what your looking for. I can see you have certain views on wife material as well. She is very very young, to young in my opinion to even be thinking of marriage with yet. Most 18 year olds I know are still finding theirself but not everyone.

 

I understand the performance issue the first year of me having sex with my boyfriend I was so stressed out because of his past. He wasn't a virgin but just 1 partner sexually before me. I always felt like I wasn't going to be good at it but it worked out fine. He always says I am the best at everything. Anyhow I just think you need to decide if she is for you or not. You really shouldn't stay with someone if you can't let their past go.

[Man with Dog]

As for accepting a past, i'd been married before. My wife didn't like it but accepted it. It hasn't made me a bad husband 2nd time round.