Body Count

[Fresh Air]

Just needed/need to talk. If I bring up my feelings over it with her it upsets her. I can't discuss it with family/friends. But sometimes if I don't talk about it I feel unsettled and alone, shouldering some sort of burden that I didn't make for myself except by loving another.

[Fresh Air]

Ensuring that hidden or suppressed addiction or other pathology will not affect our future together is important to me. I accept that high numbers can be completely normal and in some ways healthy, however, the greater any extreme, the higher the chance that unrecognized pathology can exist. I suppose burdening me with the number also gave me this burden or sense of obligation to ensure everything is ok for her and for our family. Protectiveness gone awry maybe? I don't know.

[IAmFCA]

Find a mantra to put front of mind. A that was then/this is now that reminds you where you are headed. She is doing a lot of work right now that will result in a new her. Letting go of the past while understanding it will help her when she is ready to adopt a new self image.

[Fresh Air]

I know there are people who may have accepted this easily. Certainly if my past had been more promiscuous, I might have been better at identifying with the situation.

 

But I would speculate that for most, learning your partner had 50 sexual partners might be more difficult for some than they'd readily be able to admit.

[Fresh Air]

I agree with the mantra, IThinkICan. Surely it is in part what has helped me accept that the number itself doesn't matter and that the higher than usual number has nothing to do with me or was not done against me.

 

I don't agree with a "let it go" if that equates to suppression and/or detachment. I'm a strong believer in facing things like our fears or past and not passively letting them control us in thought or action; thus adopting them into an understanding that - good or bad - they are part of who we are and that we can find acceptance of ourselves despite them. We shouldn't define ourselves by our histories, but we also shouldn't define ourselves by an unrealistic ideal.

 

Example: I'm an alcoholic vs. I was never an alcoholic. Either of these extremes inhibits acceptance thus healthy balance and growth. One is self deprecating. One is denial. I find it more healthy to be in a place such as "I have had problems with alcohol in the past and I am not there anymore, nor do I plan to return".

 

This is acceptance without self judgement. I think that is the only real way to move beyond our pasts.

[IAmFCA]

Fresh, I agree with your post completely.

 

when I say Let It Go, I mean fully process, internalize, wring from it the meaning relevant to today's lesson, then move on. Our experiences, including discovery of other people's pathways, stay with us. The rise again in our thoughts when they have something else to teach us. In the meantime, if we can let them go, we make room for something new. That is how I think of it.

 

We know her past was chaotic, and you are still learning from that, so it is present in your mind. As you find there are no more lessons, it will recede. Some lessons you seem to be touching on are broader than understanding her, or you, or you two together. A new lesson is emerging about human sexuality, about how much we don't know about the people we come into contact with every day. It's one of those aspects of the human experience that is personal and wildly varied, and yet we make assumptions. They are wrong, often wrong. People come through their sex lives in ways that differ vastly from our expectations, their station in life, education, who they are today versus decades ago, etc. We begin to realize the enormity of what we don't know about each other, and then we realize how much it doesn't matter.

 

What once was enormous becomes inconsequential.

[eskimobobseal]

Hey man, I feel your pain - but you have to let the past stay in the past or it will ruin the present. Give this girl a chance, she had a rough life and now has found someone she likes (you), don't ruin it because of something that happened before that nobody can control anymore.

 

I would, however, politely ask her to stop saying things like "lets try this in bed my ex did this to me it was great", to me that's a giant turn off. I would absolutely not want to hear about all the wonderful things her ex did with her sexually.

[quirky]

Do you have a similar sex drive? I get the impression she is looking for intensity whereas you are seeking balance. Maybe you both need both these traits from each other a bit more. Just a different perspective..the fact that she wants you to slap her during sex or be aggressive only shows how much she trusts you and how she possibly wants to transcend reality and social norms with you.

[Fresh Air]

Yes, similar libido, moderately high.