Floating in between NC and LC, yes I still want her back

[wopstah]

Hi all,

 

I'm a male, 32 y old. My GF broke up with me on the 24th of August. I'll try to keep it short, and to the point.

 

A 2 year relationship ended september 2013. The girl (lets call her X) at that time dumped me. --> this isnt the girl I want back.

 

December 2013 I met the GF who just recently broke up with me (met her through mutual friends, lets call her A). I knew it was too early, but I didnt choose to fall in love with her. We were a couple starting January 2014.

 

1st month: Getting to know each other a little bit. Everything new and fresh

 

2nd & 3d month: not so good at all. I still struggled to open myself up. After X broke up with me, I kinda didnt allow anyobody to get close to me emotionally. So my new GF (A) struggled with this. Also, and this is the hard part: I was a weed addict, and from time to time I drank. She never was around when I drank, and in all honesty, I didnt drink all that often. The weed was the big problem. It made me lazy, passive. I used these substances as a habbit from my old relationship, and to process the old relationship. A helped me through all this. She suported me, and...

 

4th&5th month: ...things started to go pretty well actually. I quit smoking weed, I quit smoking sigarets, and rarely drank any alcohol. We felt that we we're getting there. I got over my ex and felt dedicated to A in a way I never experienced before. The foundation finally started to become solid until...

 

6th month: ...I went on a journey for 6 weeks. This journey was planned before I met her. I went to places which were verry hard to visit, where internet was rarely available, and IF I would call her, it would have cost me heaps of cash. BEfore I left I told her that she wouldnt hear from me for 6 weeks. After 2 weeks of NC I sent her a text that I missed her. She missed me as well. The journey continued, verry few texts here and there, and one phonecall with a satelite phone, and that was it.

 

7th month: I returned. When the plane landed I just wanted to see her. I didnt even go home, I just went straight to meet her. We were verry happy to see each other. The day after she told me she didnt like it all too much that we had so little contact. Her friends asked her about me, and she always had to say dont know, I dont hear him." By which the friends replied kind of a relationship are you in?" So yeah, after 6 weeks of verry tyring travels, and seeing insane stuff, still processing it all, starting to get used to this western life again, I wasnt really ready for something like that.

So yet again I shutted myself of emotionally.

A few nigths later I got drunk, and we had a fight. She broke up with me a few days later, like 10 days after my arrival. This was the 24th of July.

 

- we were together just shy of 7 months

- Ever since I dont drink anymore. I'm completely clean now and will keep clean for the rest of my life. I'm tired of this drunken/stoned version of myself.

- I'm going to a psychiatrist every 2 weeks now. The issue of me shutting myself off emotionally goes deeper and I want to work on it.

- I'm currently prepping myself to go for the P90 X program to get in shape, starting this friday, the 22nd of august.

- I've read a lot on Al turtles website and see many mistakes where both me and her went wrong. I'm willing to work on that. Preferably with her.

- Right now I'm almost 30 days of NC. I wanted to send her a small card (Al turtle advice) this week saying: "hey, it rains a lot, but right now I need to fill my fridge cause that soup aint gonna make itself. BTW here's the 40$ i still ow you."

- The break up was friendly. I did aks her to give it another shot because I felt like I didnt get any chance whatsoever after my journey. She said: "today is not the day we get back together". I asked about the future, she said she didnt knew.

- we agreed to go NC for a while. No specific timeframe.

- because of the mutual friends she also said: "when we see each other, the way I act around you will depend on how you act around me."

- NO SHE WASNT A REBOUND

- there is no one else in play

- she said we werent compatible

- she said she felt we had a verry short relationship (i agree)

 

So what do I do? Many people here swear to go by NC, and I feel that it really helps me move forward, but I also want her to think about me from time to time. Having NC was the one thing that eventually scared her away in the first place, right when things started to go well. I'm also afraid that, because of my travels, I allready gave her a good "practice" on the whole NC thing, even if i didnt want it to.

 

This woman isnt just some woman. She helped me through a rough period in my life. She always stood on my side. A real team player. I saw her as the partner for the rest of my life, and as the mother of our children. I must admit, because of my issues, I never acted that way.

 

What do I do? please advice? She is a verry down to earth person. Really smart. I've had many relationships allready but I know this one is a verry special one, and I cant afford to lose her just like that. Not just a week after my return. Not because friends of her planted some seeds. I've felt love and heartbreak, but this goes beyond anything else I've ever experienced. The knowledge of what kind of a person she is, and the warmth she radiates are just tips of the iceberg of respect I have for her. This is why I went NC right away. I DONT WANT TO PUSH HER AWAY.

 

Ty for listening

[wopstah]

Pls ignore the caps... Its just. I miss her

[christwowheels]

What I would do is send her a card talking about how difficult the trip was, how much you thought about her through the entire journey, and how you never want to be apart from her like that again. How you'll always love her and she will always have a special place in your heart, but also that if she doesn't see you in the same way that you'll never get in the way of her happiness.

 

You need her to understand that you still love her, that the separation from her during the trip was extremely hard on you too, and also that you're not going to be super clingy either--that you love her enough to let her go if that's really what she wants.

[wopstah]

She knows I missed her like crazy. I told her during the break up. She knows how I feel about her. Writing stuff like you said... I dont know... I'm hessitant on that. I dont want to be a desperate guy begging her to come back.

[bulletproof]

I dont want to be a desperate guy begging her to come back.

 

You're not willing to swallow any pride, then. You may have to if you want her that much.

[wopstah]

Oh I am more than willing. Do you reckon a card is sufficient, or a letter? And its just, all the advice i read here is: dont be clingy pushy begging etc...

[BigKK]

What do you expect, couldn't even write a letter, a postcard, ANYTHING in 6 weeks?

 

 

You went off and had an amazing time and journey, that is fine, I wouldn't expect a fairly fresh (and sometimes rocky) 5 month relationship to withstand a one and a half month disappearing act. That's like 20% of your relationship you were absolutely no contact.

 

Let it go, and move on. It's too late for a card or letter, if you want to "fight" for her, show up at her doorstep and beg, but it won't work. You could of tried to keep her in the loop for the 6 weeks while she was slowly letting go, and feeling awkward and defending herself why her boyfriend isn't make an ounce of effort to say a word to her.

[wopstah]

I did send her texts, called her twice, and sent pictures. Like you said it yourself: It was all very fresh. The travel was something I had planned for months allready. VERY bad timing. Please read my OP again. I rather stayed home then lose her, NATURALLY. It just wasnt an option and thats one reason why I cant just let go. I also have a hard time letting go, because there wasnt enough time to process the whole trip and calmly talk to her.

 

So no, just letting go isnt an option. Not for that kind of woman. Yes I know, there are more like her out there, but it would take me a LONG search to find someone that good again. Believe me, I've looked, even before I met her. I am going to fight for her, one way or another. I would like some advice. That is all. Letting go, isnt advice. Its something I'm doing right now, and I know I have to do --> NC. I just need advice what I need to do to get her to think about me (possitive way), to keep in touch (LC), and to make her stop moving away from me. I'm still in NC, almost for a month now, and keeping NC wont get me anywhere. I want her to reignite her flame again. I know the spark is still there.

[SooSad33]

Well, if you're pushing her at all, that will NOT get her any closer to you. And you cannot 'make' her stop moving away from you.

 

You need to understand what YOU have said in your post..

"The break up was friendly. I did aks her to give it another shot because I felt like I didnt get any chance whatsoever after my journey. She said: "today is not the day we get back together". I asked about the future, she said she didnt knew.

- we agreed to go NC for a while. No specific timeframe.

- because of the mutual friends she also said: "when we see each other, the way I act around you will depend on how you act around me."

- NO SHE WASNT A REBOUND

- there is no one else in play

- she said we werent compatible

- she said she felt we had a verry short relationship (i agree)"

 

I believe she was, in a way a 'rebound'. You were NOT ready to move on, yet. You were still affected from your last relationship. So you used her to get over your last BU. With it being rocky for a cpl of months- not good.

>>"2nd & 3d month: not so good at all. I still struggled to open myself up. After X broke up with me, I kinda didnt allow anyobody to get close to me emotionally. So my new GF (A) struggled with this. Also, and this is the hard part: I was a weed addict, and from time to time I drank. She never was around when I drank, and in all honesty, I didnt drink all that often. The weed was the big problem. It made me lazy, passive. I used these substances as a habbit from my old relationship, and to process the old relationship. A helped me through all this. She suported me,"

 

As well, the facts,mentioned.. that it wasn't a very long relationship and she told you she felt you two were not compatible.

 

So, it is time to work on YOU, while you are apart, because not matter what, IF she agree's to see you again, or not, life will go on and you'll come to meet another gal again.

Work on getting yourself back on track. Get emotionally & mentally stable again and deal with what may have cause the BU.

(Were there insecurities? Lack of communication or trust?...)

 

There are no guarantee's she will come back to you. And if she doesn't you do have to come to accept this possibility.

Like I mentioned, just don't harass her. Respect her wish to be apart.

[wopstah]

So sending a card is too much? I have to give her the money anyway. The biggest problem was communication. I know i wasnt ready. Yet it still happened. I didnt choose the timing., and i never had the feeling she was a rebound

[wopstah]

And Al Turtle recommends LC, and not NC.

[wopstah]

And this, and that... *sigh*

 

When I re-read my posts, I see that I'm not ready yet to contact her. If she drops some kind of bomb (I'm moving to another city, I found someone new, F*CK U I DONT WANNA TALK TO YOU), I wouldnt be able to handle it.

 

This is why I'm stuck between NC and LC.

1) She allready knows what it feels like when I'm not contacting her --> my travels. So I want to give her the card and the $$ I ow her. Nothing more. I dont really expect an answer or anything. So yeah, NC again After that. But at least I will cross her mind again.

2) I'm not over her yet. It has only been 30 days of NC, so I still am afraid of what her reply might be IF she replies. I honestly rather have no reply from her at all. But I do want her to think about me after these 30 days.

[SooSad33]

"But at least I will cross her mind again."

- Of course you're still on her mind. No one forgets..

 

No contact is more for YOU- to work on accepting & healing. NOT aim to get them back.

With ANY contact, you'll never be able to accept and move ahead at all.

 

I know how hard it is.. I was in a LTR and it took me a good 9+ mos to accept & start healing. Things don't just disapear in a day, although many wish it would..

 

None of this is fair.. it all sucks! I know. But, in reality, there's nothing you can do... but to work on accepting it.

All you can say now.. is you tried.

 

It all takes time. Sadly, it went sour.

[wopstah]

Its strange, this feeling of letting go. Its almost... like I miss missing her. I dont want to not miss her. Very strange. I'm sorry to hear about your 9 months of grief. I really still do hope that some day our spark will again reignite that fire, but for now, I really just have to let go. I really need to focus on the here and now where I am in. I guess I will write that letter, but not give it to her yet.

[SooSad33]

That's right. It's a 'change' and change isn't always easy.

It all takes time is all. Time to accept everything. Time to heal.. let go.. move on.. etc.

 

Right, write letters all you want. Vent.. cry etc.. but do your best NOT to cave in & contact. That won't help you.

The way I often see it is.. 'they were our weakness'. Now, we have to work on our inner strength again... on our own.

It CAN be done. Just takes time.

 

One day at a time.

[wopstah]

I am not caving at the moment. I feel solid about it. I'll contact her eventually but I feel that I'm not ready atm.

[Shane Falco]

I am not caving at the moment. I feel solid about it. I'll contact her eventually but I feel that I'm not ready atm.

 

This is the wrong attitude. No Contact isn't going to have its maximum effect if you are planning on breaking it the entire time. No breaking it, no planning on breaking it, just get your head straight.

[wopstah]

Eventually is a vague concept, maybe its months from now. But you're right. I will not contact her whatsoever, for my own healing. When I'm ready to go LC, I'll know it. I'll be a relaxed, healthy, outgoing guy again who doesnt give a damn if she has a new BF or not. But right now, i'm not ready, so NC it is.

[Shane Falco]

Eventually is a vague concept, maybe its months from now. But you're right. I will not contact her whatsoever, for my own healing. When I'm ready to go LC, I'll know it. I'll be a relaxed, healthy, outgoing guy again who doesnt give a damn if she has a new BF or not. But right now, i'm not ready, so NC it is.

 

Hopefully you'll get to a point where you couldn't care less if you talk to her again or not. That's where you need to get. No Contact isn't for planning a future attack, it's for moving forward. Let her run to catch up to you if she wants. And if she doesn't, then you are further along in finding someone who will.