Feel confused? Need advice urgently, boyfriend, anxiety, moving in.. I'm so lost

[bunnies]

Hello, I know I have written a lot, but advice would be very appreciated. I did not want to write on a forum because my ocd is going crazy, and it took me so long to post this. Please could nobody quote me as my ocd will go mad. So... here goes:

 

I want to move in with my boyfriend. We are both adults but live at home, we have the same goals and values in life and want to start life together now. He lives in another country in Europe.

 

My parents did not like this. Whereas his were supportive and he was able to properly explain to them what we want... my parents could not understand and would not.

 

We decided this summer that I will get a flight by myself to go to live with him. At first we said sometime after the end of summer, like after August or September. But each week got harder and harder for us to communicate and talk. It's now so hard because my parents basically gave me a choice the other day; choose my boyfriend or stay here with them. I said I ended things with him as I was afraid of what they would do if I said I wanted go to him still, they kept saying they might have to "see someone" and such things (which could mean a number of things) and also I wanted them off my back, I was starting to get so stressed and anxious from the two or more hours long one sided "chats" most evenings. Obviously, I did not end things with him, and I plan to get a one way flight.

 

His family support us and are willing to have me go there and live without any cost, all they asked is that I help with cooking and things around the house. My family do not understand it at all. They do not understand the lifestyle we wish to live, they say we are going about it wrong, not the proper way.

 

A part of it feels like my parents didn't want me to go to him because his family are not middle class. His family said if I went to live there they would provide for me, as long as I helped with the cooking, and things around the house. Then him and me could save up for an apartment when he gets work and I will also do work. We have thought it through. His family have hearts of gold, and my family didn't even want to welcome him to come stay as himself for a few days. I told them I wanted to live with him after summer, and this freaked them out more.

 

Anyway, the fact that I didn't get to visit this week (as we planned, but my parents didn't allow it) meant my boyfriend was let down by me. He has said you gave me the world and then took it away, and his anxiety gets harmed by these things. His anxiety is a lot harder than mine.

 

He has been through a lot in his life, been put down too much by all different people, and spent a lot of his life waiting for his mother to recover from her cancer... This was about 10 years I think they were waiting to know if she was better. This is also part of why he says to me he doesn't want to keep waiting for things to come, he wants to just live, and I agree with him that if we want to start our life together now, we should just do it.

 

The main thing I am scared of is that he keeps saying he wants to die and has done for months. His anxiety is getting to so bad, he is relying on me, and I know I make it a lot better when we talk and I calm him down, and when I'm with him will be a lot better... right now he is fearing that I won't come, which is why we kept moving the dates forward for when I will go there.

 

But a part of me, although I was upset and hurt by my parents, and hurt that they put his whole family down, and I am tired of living in their control.. I still love them and don't want to hurt them. I am scared that when I leave it will hurt them so much that they never forgive me even if I show them I'm happy and it was a good decision for me. I can't be happy living their way.

 

I told my boyfriend I wanted to come after the holidays, after I've been on holiday with them, I guess a part of me thought at least they'll not be sad on holiday and when I go summer is almost over, but he said he couldn't wait and asked me why I don't just come now if I don't want to go on holiday with them anyway.. so I chose to go to him before those holidays now, and I will book tickets but I have made him ill by saying all this, as he said to him that is saying I want to be with my family more than him... But that's not true. I want to spend a whole lifetime with him, I was only asking for a few weeks with them, to give them a nice holiday and then when they go back to work & school, I would come to be with him.

 

I feel very confused because it feels right and is what I want to do, to go to him, but at the other hand I don't want to hurt my family and I am afraid that he will leave me or something in the future, him saying he wants to die or hurt himself so often increases my anxiety. Even though I know he is saying it because he feels hopeless, and like I won't ever come, like I will let him down like everyone else has throughout his life.

 

I want to know how I can help my boyfriend with his anxiety, and also how I can leave and let my parents know that I don't want them to hurt or be sad... How can I make them see that it's what I want and they have to respect it?

 

They said they feel like they have given me everything, raised me, and that by me doing this I am sticking two fingers up at them, sort of saying " you" to them... Which isn't true at all. I can't be happy if I stay in the my home country, I know that I don't want to live like them, and I know they would not rather I be sad.

 

I will write a bit more about my boyfriends anxiety, to see if anyone has any other advice on how I can help him and how can work to get him better.

 

He has had intrusive thoughts, ocd, and false memories or visions. Recently he has been getting visions of me cheating and things like that, I think these are very graphic visions, even maybe of me having sex with others... I am a virgin yet these thoughts led him to say to me sometimes "you're not a virgin are you".. "don't lie to me", "you want others", and I say I am a virgin, but it seems to take me telling him this many times before he calms down and believes me. I know it is very hard for him as sometimes he got these thoughts or visions for hours, and if I had such visions of him cheating I wonder maybe I would react the same. Just today he told me I wasn't a virgin and to go away, but obviously he did not really want me to go away. I find when he gets like that confusing and I wonder why he starts saying to go away or things like "leave me alone", "leave me to rot"? How can I help this? Do you think he does this as a defense thing, because he think if he told me to go away, it is punishing me for what the me in his thoughts did? Even though it's not real.

 

He also says that "I did bad so you must have done bad too, otherwise you wouldn't forgive me" - I forgave him for something he did online a while ago, it wasn't cheating in my opinion, but it wasn't good either, however I forgave it because I knew his view on certain things had been changing since then and I knew he regretted it and wouldn't do it again. So I forgave him straight away, but he thinks for me to have forgiven him I must have done bad myself.. and I haven't. How can I convince him of this?

 

I told him, "how can I prove it?" And I think he said "you can't, so I will be wondering/anxious about it for my whole life" (something along those lines).. this hurt so much because it's like, I didn't do anything but he's never going to be able to trust me because he can't just put this away? Can't just see we should live for what we have not worry of each other's pasts. How can I show this to him?

 

The thing that's silly is that we are both virgin, very untouched by anyone and yet he's worrying about things I might have said to people online, and though I haven't done anything against what we would disagree with, he couldn't stop worrying about it. When I was younger I did chat to quite a lot of people online, mainly guys, though not in bad way, most were discussing movies and just random chats, there was only a few things I told him that I saw as regrettable and he said they were fine.

 

I think because of the fact he cared so much of my past being perfect, and he said many times, to many things "if you did that/thought that/liked that I don't want you", I am afraid if there's anything I didn't remember or didn't think he'd care about that he'd throw me away because of. This hasn't left my mind for months and I'm afraid I'm going to find it hard to be excited and enjoy everything with him because I'll keep worrying about this.. because I'm afraid I'll start life with him then he'll find something he doesn't like and he'll throw me away. And even though I can't think of anything bad, I told everything I remember, I often think back into things to see if there is anything because I'm afraid, and just doing that makes me feel unwell because I'd put most of my younger days as in the past before I even met him, I didn't used to think about it as I'd already got past it. I can't spend my life thinking back to that. They say you can't move on with the future if you still dwell in the past and right now I don't know how to stop feeling like what if what if there's even a tiny thing that I can't remember that he wouldn't have liked.

 

I still remember in june he said, I think while asking me about my past he said: "If you hide anything from me, you're a bad person and you deserve to die.

If you cared for other people I won't forgive you"

 

I said I've only cared for my family or people as friends, and this is true, I've never been in love before him, never had feelings for anyone before him. I realise it sounds an extreme thing to say, but he often seems to say extreme sounding things but not mean them quite so extreme.

 

The other day, he cut himself, while I was on a skype call with him. It was so upsetting, and I texted his mum and also called her the next day and told what he did but I think he just told her he didn't really cut himself... but he did and he showed me it afterwards. He felt bad for it, and was saying "I have never done that before but then days after this happened he would say stuff like "I should have cut through the vein", "I should have cut through" and one time he also started telling me the most effective way to cut the vein to ensure death. It's scary that he thinks so much of death and dying, but I know he does want to live. He says he wants to be alive and live with me, have family with me, but when he feels hopeless or like I am not going to come or like things with us won't work (even though I kept reassuring him they will), he starts getting hopeless and saying he wants to die.

 

I am afraid if I don't get a flight next week he is going to hurt himself, even if I come 1-3 weeks later than that week, after going on holiday with family. He is seriously becoming ill I think, yesterday he had cramping in the night, he said he had very sharp pains and he couldn't be in many positions, he couldn't be on computer, he had to sit on toilet, etc. I know this is as a result of terrible anxiety, because I have had this too, when very anxious. I also promised him I would come next week, because I was desperate, but now I keep thinking of all these things and my family and I just wish I could go to him after the holiday, it would be much easier to organise myself and nobody would be in the house to stop me going to him, and I want to sort out my anxiety.

 

I only have about 300 to spend on the flight, maybe a bit less.. Most flights are increasing in price each day so it would be easier for me to book it a few weeks in advance.

 

I feel really confused. I know I need to talk to him of my worries but I don't want to make him ill or more anxious, as I am afraid of what he will do. I can't lose him, I love him and I want our future together, but it feels like we need to iron these things out, or i need to get these worries out my system before I can stop feeling anxious.

 

Now he has started noticing that I am not that enthusiastic about it, as he started getting excited about next week, and has started planning things for us to do with his family... and he said "I don't deserve you, It's meant to fail as everything else for me, And I doubt you'll come, And I feel you rather want to be there" (with parents he means)... I hate myself.

 

Help

 

I wrote all of the above around the 5th August, it's now about 2 weeks later and during that time feels like a rollercoaster has happened. I kept saying I would book flights for the 6th or around then, and when it got to the 6th, I couldn't do it, I couldn't cope and was so anxious I felt ill... so I booked a flight for about 2 weeks later (now next week). When I told him this he blew up, he was so mad and upset and anxious and kept saying he wanted to die. There was a few night of me just listening to him saying he wanted to die or that he hated life and calling me things because he decided to start drinking to ease the pain of the anxiety.

Then one night he got very drunk, and I called him on skype, he was coming home on a bike from his sister's house, very drunk, very anxious, he'd fallen off the bike and kept saying "ow", and noises as if he was in pain, I told him to walk and he kept trying to get on his bike, saying he wanted to die and fall, break his head, and then the call cut, and I got to speak to him again when he'd got home. He said he was lying in the kitchen and wanted to get knives and kill himself, I know he was in kitchen and heard him then rummaging in the drawers, heard clashing noises and absolutely panicked.. I kept remembering the night he cut himself, and I didn't know what to do. It was so scary. I kept saying "please don't", "go to bed" and then at some point he was in the bathroom, and still saying he wanted to die throughout this, still saying horrible things, saying "you're like them" , "you're a ", (he now has said sorry for this and said he couldn't remember saying it but he said sorry) but then there was some weird noise of water running and he dropped something into the water and kept saying "no, it fell", "no", and then there was clashing noises and I didn't know what was happening, I was afraid he was cutting himself, I couldn't cope so I called his home number but nobody picked up, and I called his mum's number and then his dad's... no answer. Then basically what happened was the call cut off, and I didn't know if he was okay or not... at 3am I just sat there staring at my screen feeling sick and afraid. The next morning the only way I knew he was alright was because his mum texted me a reply. He didn't message me till quite late the next day.

It did hurt me emotionally to go through this I think, and I'm not sure whether I have just swept my feelings about it all under the carpet again or if I need to speak to someone. I can't go through more of that, and he has said sorry for it, but he did that in april when he first started doing these things and he said sorry. And I don't know if he says he drinks less than he does.

 

He doesn't drink to get drunk, he has strong views on such, and he's only done it when anxious and wanting to relieve his thoughts I guess. He promised me he won't drink like that anymore now.

 

By this time, we got on holiday. In the same country, but it meant I was out each day with family after that day so I couldn't sort much out with him, and whenever I got home to write to him, he was anxious so i didnt want to make him more anxious by talking much of this stuff or any issues I had.

 

Another thing that happened was I got anxious by some statements he made recently. I don't know if I just overreacted and have read too many scare stories or if I was being reasonable by questioning him about it all or getting anxious. (Type about clothes and statements he made) we were talking about what length of shorts is acceptable and he said he wouldn't accept me to wear above the thigh area, I said I didn't agree that showing thigh was inappropriate, as long as no private area shows, it covers everything.. but I said I won't wear shorts above the thigh (I don't wear shorts often), but he got anxious why I kept asking his opinion of it saying it was me who kept talking of it, and he'd only said his opinion on it (I was anxious he would get more extreme in his clothes view.. but he assured me he wouldn't, and I believe I was overreacting) however, then his anxiety started and he started saying things like "you're mine, I don't want others to look at you/see you", (he meant, doesn't want me to dress inappropriate so others will see me that way), which I agree with and have said I am his, we are each other's.. however he then said

I am his property, which I find just a weird thing to say or a weird way to put that I'm his. He wrote:

My property

I want you to be mine

 

He said that because I kept asking about the shorts, asking what's wrong with showing thigh, he said it made him think I want to be seen by guys dressed inappropriate.. which wasn't true at all, and when I said "why do you say that? it's not true" he said it's his anxiety, and he doesn't want to think that way.

 

It's now nearer me coming to be with him and I'm getting anxious about it, I'm starting to panic that I'm not ready or just feeling anxious about all that's happened, I don't know what to think of anything anymore, and all my feelings are mixed with how I feel around my family and my parents, they are who cause most of the anxiety and It feels like they treat me like a house pet, they will never stop controlling or watching my every move, or talking me down about stupid things... but all that's happened recently has mixed into it. I don't feel well and I feel I'm either trapped with parents, or trapped with my thoughts. A part of me keeps thinking I want to die now too. I wouldn't ever kill myself but a part of me wants to die and I don't think I ever considered such before, I'm just not sure I can cope anymore with my mind. It feels like I am carrying so much inside and it's starting to pile up on top of me and I haven't had a chance to clear it off, or get calm, I don't feel mentally prepared for a huge life change which is to go live with him, but I do want to, it's not that I don't, I just feel a need to sort things out before... or I'm afraid I won't be able to keep mentally well no matter what.

 

But I can't tell him this or cancel flight to a week or a few weeks later as I think another disappointment will make him either hurt himself, or he'll end things with me, or I don't know what. I'm really scared and i don't want to lose him.. I just feel my body and mind is telling me to slow down and sort myself out. Am I being stupid?

 

I find it strange because he seems to get over these events quite easily, and be able to be excited about me coming or good things straight away after, like the next day if I make it a positive chat.. whereas for me the affect of him saying he wants to die and becoming really ill at night, not answering my questions of what he's doing and till sometimes 3am, I find it really hard to cope with, I find it takes me time to heal from that. I know he's still hurting and anxious, and he says he works hard to control it, but it's just he seems to be able to go from very negative to very positive attitude very easily. But I know he has worse anxiety than me and his intrusive thoughts are very draining, we both have issues and he needs me to help him, and I need him for some of mine but the ones I talk of I think are ones I myself need to deal with.. but maybe I'm wrong and being stupid, I don't know I really don't know anything anymore, I feel so confused. I can't stand when people tell me to go with my gut feeling either, I don't have a gut feeling towards anything, I don't experience one.

 

Please help me, I don't know what to do any more so I turned to a forum. I really need help and advice

.. I don't have any friends who I can talk to or family, especially not family, and I don't want to make boyfriend anxious any more, I am meant to look after him. I hate myself

Sometimes I wonder if I get confused and anxious with everything in my mind because I have a lower intelligence than him but I don't know I feel like there's something wrong with me because I get anxious and I know I want be with him, he's everything I want and the lifestyle we planned is what I want and I can't lose him, he makes me happy and helped me through so many times nobody else was there for me, so why do I have to get anxious of everything, what is wrong with me? maybe I am just making a fuss about nothing, maybe this is all just in my head, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I can't cope with this inside me, I feel like a walking zombie every day, my brain has a constant block feeling to it, and I clench my jaw too much that it makes me feel sick but I can't help it. I just wonder if I need time before going there to sort my mind out.

 

I think it started with my parents making me anxious but I just never delt with it and it's now built up.. I would explain about my parents more and their controlling but I feel I wrote too much now and I need advice

 

And I also want to mention that in this piece of writing I've only focused on my worries.. there's a lot I could say about him as a person and how supportive he's been, how much he's helped me through, his personality and his way of calming me when I'm panicking, our outlook on life and goals are the same.. there's a lot I could say that I haven't as I focused on what I need help with.

[SooSad33]

Sounds like you bf is in ways acting selfish. he's saying things like you are choosing your family over him etc.

That is not fair on you.

he is not trying to understand you end of this.

 

How well do you even know this guy? Yes, you are taking chances, going against your parents, words, etc. Chancing taking off on them.. and then to chance this relationship with someone at a very long distance,, right?

How old are you two?

 

Please do NOT jump the gun, here. if anything, agree to visit with him on a short visit.. agree you will return home again at least, before you agree to totally move away to be with him.

Use you head too- not just your heart in this.

Long distance IS very difficult for many.

 

There isn't a lot YOU can for him abt his anxiety. it is something he needs to work on. Therapy etc? some anxiety med's maybe? He sounds very negative about himself & insecure. This is most likely due to the distance problem.

 

As for your parents 'reaction', I think they're just moody with you because they may be thinking you're just brushing them off. My parents acted similar when I left home. Took a few months for them to accept it all.

 

I know asked not to quote you.. BUT this is wrong..

>> "I still remember in june he said, I think while asking me about my past he said: "If you hide anything from me, you're a bad person and you deserve to die."

 

 

"It's now nearer me coming to be with him and I'm getting anxious about it, I'm starting to panic that I'm not ready or just feeling anxious about all that's happened, I don't know what to think of anything anymore, and all my feelings are mixed with how I feel around my family and my parents, they are who cause most of the anxiety and It feels like they treat me like a house pet, they will never stop controlling or watching my every move, or talking me down about stupid things... but all that's happened recently has mixed into it. I don't feel well and I feel I'm either trapped with parents, or trapped with my thoughts. A part of me keeps thinking I want to die now too. I wouldn't ever kill myself but a part of me wants to die and I don't think I ever considered such before, I'm just not sure I can cope anymore with my mind. It feels like I am carrying so much inside and it's starting to pile up on top of me and I haven't had a chance to clear it off, or get calm, I don't feel mentally prepared for a huge life change which is to go live with him, but I do want to, it's not that I don't, I just feel a need to sort things out before... or I'm afraid I won't be able to keep mentally well no matter what."

- You're right.. NONE of this is healthy, sorry to say. ALL of it is getting to you now, too.

 

"But I can't tell him this or cancel flight to a week or a few weeks later as I think another disappointment will make him either hurt himself, or he'll end things with me, or I don't know what. I'm really scared and i don't want to lose him.. I just feel my body and mind is telling me to slow down and sort myself out. Am I being stupid?"

- You are not being stupid. You are being overwhelmed from BOTH sides and are lost.

No matter what, you can't stop him from hurting himself. he's doing this all on his own. You don't 'make him'.

He's using you as an excuse to vent this way. he is not healthy... and yes, it's sad.

He needs some professional help. Are his parents not aware of his issues? They can't be blind to this.

 

".. I don't have any friends who I can talk to or family, especially not family, and I don't want to make boyfriend anxious any more, I am meant to look after him. I hate myself"

- Please don't think this way, okay. He's had these issues BEFORE you met up with him....

You cannot 'heal him' and HE is the only one who can help himself. NOT you.. NO one, but him.

 

"Sometimes I wonder if I get confused and anxious with everything in my mind because I have a lower intelligence than him but I don't know"

- No. He is making you feel overwhelmed with all of the pressures he's putting on you, the guilt, etc.

 

With all I've read, I really do think you shouldn't go there. Neither of you are in a good spot with your mental health and sounds like you're both driving each other insane now.

 

Honestly, I feel what YOU need is some decent down time. I feel you are severely affected by him & your parents now. Therapy for you as well would help you out and maybe even some anxiety med's. too?

I'd suggest you suggest the same to him..

BUT, It;s all taking a huge toll on you from all angles. YOU are falling apart. It is not a good time to think of traveeling to see a guy in his state. Sadly, he has a lot to deal with, mentally and so do you.

 

I understand much of how you mean re: anxiety. I am the same way, here.

I did almost a year of therapy and am still on my anxiety med's.

 

What you need to think about here is YOU. Your own health. Take care of YOU.

 

Would be great if you could just get up and walk away from ALL of this. Leave it all behind and work at moving on with your life.

Poor you.. you sound so confused & emotional and I see why.

 

Think about what i've just explained, okay?

Stick around... you're not alone.

 

tc