My life is turning into 'When Harry Met Sally'

[lily2212]

If any of you have seen the classic movie 'When Harry Met Sally', you'll know how confusing it was for a man and a woman to be friends, and only friends. If you haven't seen the movie let me briefly explain - the two friends meet, and the movie goes through several years of them searching for love, failing, and constantly bumping into one another. Eventually they become close friends but are confronted with the question: can a man and a woman be friends without getting involved?

Now heres my story: I have a guy best friend, we're very close, and have been for several years now. We've both gone through relationships, helped each other with advice, then I moved away to another city, and the whole time we've become closer and closer. Recently one of my friends realized that our story sounds a lot like the movie mentioned above, and it got me thinking if maybe he could be the one. The more I thought, the more I realized that he's perfect, and maybe I have loved him after all these years. There are certainly signs that he's felt the same way too, but do I really want to ruin our friendship if it turns out he doesn't have any feelings for me? He's currently in a relationship so I'm a bit stuck and not sure what to do, any advice would really be appreciated.

[IAmFCA]

I have a lifelong experience as a woman having man friends. Sometimes it works so very very well, sometimes not. From this background, I ask you:

 

(1) Why didn't you date each other in the first place?

(2) Of course you love each other, and I am not sure I agree with the concept "the one". Instead, I think we attract who we are, at any given time. Do you feel good about yourself, your life path, your ability to attract what you want?

(3) Are you burnt out on dating at the moment, and appreciating him in part because he is safe?

(4) Do you expect from your bf and future roommate/business partner/lover the same things that he provides?

 

I have very different expectations of my friends than I do of a life partner. I love my friends dearly, and wouldn't ever date any of my guy friends under any circumstances. They just aren't right for me.

[Unreasonable]

Keep it status quo as long as he's in his current relationship.

 

I think men and women can be friends as long as neither has any romantic feelings for the other. That is clearly not the case here.

[IAmFCA]

I am not sure the OP has genuine romantic feelings for her friend. Sometimes we can think ourselves into a feeling but it hasn't been tested, and it may not be real. That could be the case here.

 

After a series of relationships fail, sometimes we lose confidence in our ability to identify and attract what we want, and we retreat to safety. The man-friend may be a safe harbor for the OP, but not necessarily her best lifelong choice.

 

Can't tell.

[lily2212]

1. Didnt date in the first place because I actually helped my friend get together with him (they broke up a while ago)

2. I feel pretty good about myself and my path, but what do you mean exactly?

3. Not burnt out or anything, in a pretty normal place right now, Im not sure if its because he's safe but because I realized how extremely compatible we are and how much we appreciate each other

4. Also not sure what you meant by this one - do you mean will I compare other people to him?

 

I have other guy friends who I also love dearly, and I would never be interested in dating any of them. This friend is different though because we're much closer and fonder of each other.

[Batya33]

I think you have to wait until he is out of a relationship and if you are going to tell him how you feel tell him in a simple, direct way like "have you ever thought about us getting together?".

 

If his relationship is "the one" then you have to either back off or be his friend meaning be supportive of his relationship.

[JGintheOC]

I agree with Baty. I think you may be letting the concept of the movie influence your train of thought too much. If she had never brought up the movie, would you probably be having the same considerations. Probably not.

 

At any rate, if you are really sure about this then wait until he's single but continue to date others and have an active social life outside of him.

[IAmFCA]

OP, what I mean by expectations is this: I require a different set of traits in my bf/life partner than I do in my friends. In a friend, I can tolerate much that I would not accept into my intimate daily life.

 

While you may love your friend as a friend, would you love him if you two shared the same bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and maybe the same car every day? Would you be able to split the budget, train a pet dog, adjust to the demands of an emergency work project, and still kiss each other every night? with my guy friends, I could not do this: I could share the house but not tolerate their drinking habits nor raise a dog together; or, I wouldn't trust their travel habits, or I wouldn't respect their work habits, etc. Or, there is no physical chemistry.

 

What I can appreciate in my friends is not necessarily the same as what I would want to hitch myself and my stability to for the next 30+ years.

 

AND, the same may be true for him. You know his dating habits intimately: what do you know about your suitability for him?

[IAmFCA]

To the question of safety:

 

What is your own dating history? Is there a chance that you are ready to commit, looking around, and finding him - in this case, timing is coloring your thinking - as distinct from choosing him, and deciding that now is the time?

 

In my younger life, I dated men whom I thought were excellent candidates, and after it didn't work out, several times in a row and 1 - 2 years a piece, I began to question myself. I went against my instincts and chose someone who I "knew" would fit - but he didn't. Better to have learned more about attachment styles, my own emotional make-up, and in so doing, gained a better understanding of what relationship skills I bring to the table.

 

Relationship skills are a big deal.

[lily2212]

When I think about all of those things you mentioned I could 100% imagine doing all of that with him. And by knowing him, I know that many of my qualities fall under his type, he's even said so himself before when I once asked him if theres anything Im doing wrong (after stressing about another guy and asking for his advice).

If the movie is changing my point of view then oh well, I do know that there are many signs pointing to the conclusion we may have something special. If it means continuing on with my life, having other boyfriends, and waiting for the right time then so be it, just wanted to see what others thought about the situation (not that I was actually going to do anything)

[IAmFCA]

Wow, then that is exciting!

 

I would work on being the beat you you can be and raise this with him as directly as previously recommended, at a time that is respectful to each of you.

 

Here is a list of topics I wish I read about before getting married:

 

The five love languages

Attachment styles

Fear of abandonment

Suze Orman/Recommended strategies for financial management in marriage

 

Good luck to you!