I'm struggling to get over her whilst it appears she is trying to move on

[IDer89]

My long term girlfriend has broken up with me after I had to move away from her five weeks ago. It has only been two days with NC.

 

In the most condensed version I can describe us here is our story:

 

We got together in October 2011 during our last year of college in the UK. She is an American, I am a Brit. After graduation she was unable to get a visa to stay so she returned home, taking me with her in November 2012. I go with the intentions to find work and a visa and in April 2013 manage to secure a visa from June 2013 to July 2014. Unable to secure something more permanent I was forced to leave and returned to the UK July 1st.

 

We were together and happy for 2 years and 10 months and after five weeks of separation she decided that long distance was not for her and that we should part ways. We had a fantastic relationship with memories created that will last a life time. We got through college, illness, stress, finding work, starting a business, visa problems, family issues, hospital stays. As well as vacations, living together, talking/planning a future life together, becoming best friends, having a great deal in common.

 

I posted a little bit of a longer description in a thread before we broke up on Monday in the LDR section called: Conventional Relationship to LDR not working out (can't post link)

 

To cut a long story short I believe we have been through a tremendous amount of things in our time together. It's been five weeks that I've been in the UK trying to re-establish a life for myself here and plan best for the future, our future. When I left she was committed to trying to make a long distance relationship work and has continued to use the phrase "when you move back" numerous times in conversation.

 

Unfortunately on Sunday she told me that she doesn't feel happy, that she felt like she wasn't in a relationship, she feels lonely, that theres no definitive end goal to me returning. She said that she needed the physicalness/realness of our relationship and didn't feel like she could continue with me being so far away.

 

On Monday she confirmed that we were parting ways and that she has a lot on her plate right now with her business and needed "to focus on myself". She said that she was still in love with me but couldn't manage the distance.

 

Now I know those are very black and white reasons. Yes, we are apart and me moving back isn't going to be a set out path. I too admit that I wasn't exactly happy with the situation but the love I had for her and for us was enough to keep on fighting, like I had been doing for the years since we left London.

 

I just struggle to comprehend how being separated from me and not having me in her life makes her happier than continuing with a long distance relationship. To me the prospect which turned in to a reality of losing her is far worse than dealing with the distance.

 

I mean, this is a young woman that I have an incredible amount of history with. But also one that would need me to pick up the pieces when this went wrong. It was only last week that I was sat there on video chat calming her down because a part of her business wasn't going to plan. When I was in NY there were countless evenings I'd be there to comfort her and support her when she was in doubt over her ability to pull off what she was trying to do.

 

Reading this back to myself it wasn't always about being an emotional crutch to each other, but these stories highlight the importance of what we became to each other. She has decided that she would like to end our relationship pretty suddenly in my eyes - one day we were fine and the next we aren't talking to each other. It only took her a day to remove our relationship from social media and change the joint pictures of us to just one of her alone. I know it may appear like i am over analysing there but that is a big step within my generation. Neither of us use Facebook too much so for her to go out of her way when she says she is busy only a day later to update it, says a lot.

 

To me our break up seems sudden, a major change had an impact on us but if that hadn't have happened we would still be together and going about what made us so great together. I'm almost like the enemy, as if I did do something terrible or the love faded.

 

It's not the case yet it appears she's trying to wipe the slate clean even though there is still a lot of love there.

 

She is Jewish and I am not, it has never appeared to be a problem with her or her family and I have generally been accepted for who I am and how much I care for their daughter. However, there is a dating site some of her cousins have used called JDate which is strictly for Jewish people and a lot of them have been on lots of dates, and found partners through it. I always joked it was something that scared me since if we did break up she would be able to date very quickly.

 

Now this next part, I know I shouldn't have done what I have but please don't tell me it was wrong. I know it was. I know some of her password and logins to different sites. I kept away from them but something couldnt stop me from seeing if she made a profile - I just had this terrible suspicion she would at some point. The first few day nothing but today her usual login worked and to my disbelief she had signed up but not yet filled out a profile.

 

im not going to go on again. I've seen what I needed to but I just cant comprehend that she is even entertaining the idea of dating again. We literally broke up on Monday and it is now Wednesday. We were together for almost three years and her reasoning for ending was because she needed to focus on herself.

 

I want to try understand this. I know I did wrong by looking and only have myself to blame but it feels a bit heartless after everything we have been through together.

[TaraFlower20]

Honestly I hate to say it but maybe long distance is just not for her. I mean my husband went on deployment overseas and I suffered through it. Long distance is VERY hard in many ways. It's no cake walk and sometimes I feel like people are great at it, but then sometimes I feel like it's not for some people & they know it. With that being said some people, like myself find it very hard but with a time frame given to me I was able to truck thru it because I loved my boyfriend (at the time). However if I did not have a time frame, I don't know that I could have done it. I did date a guy and then move, I too knew long distance would not work and broke up with him as well. Atleast she did give you the common decency to tell you straight forward that long distance would not work for her. It's very sad that she is already appearing to have moved on and I know it must hurt= for that I'm sorry I wish you the best of luck.

[ubasti]

I'm actually in a similar boat. Two different cultures, two different religious backgrounds. Long story short he left me high and dry, and a few months later had an arranged marriage.

 

While I am still having trouble getting

[catfeeder]

The two of you weren't together long enough to decide on marriage rather than parting?

[IDer89]

The two of you weren't together long enough to decide on marriage rather than parting?

 

She didn't want to marry for that reason. We'd talk about spending our lives together and at the time felt we would end up getting married but she wanted to do things properly. Neither of us were ready given the stage we are at in life.

 

I however was prepared to marry in order to stay together and if the shoe was on the other foot would have done it in a heartbeat. The problem was that she was still finically dependent on her parents and although she is an adult, they still have a hold on her. If we got married for the sole purpose of a visa it would have opened up a whole different can of worms.

[IDer89]

I just posted this in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread:

 

 

 

I think it's everything that I'd like to have answers to from her right now