Feeling lost and like I can't trust anyone.. and i'm probably right.

[lostparty]

I have a bit of an odd situation I'm assuming, compared to other people. I don't like for my partner to look at porn. My first boyfriend barely had sex with me(Literally 7 days a year if that), but could use porn? I was pretty young at the time and it hit me pretty hard. I educated myself about porn addiction and decided for myself that I don't want to date someone who looks at porn. Some people certainly won't understand what I'm going through, I've been told I'm strange and insecure before. I understand that some people will have those opinions and I ask that you keep the mean comments to yourself. Anyways, so after going through that, years later I found myself a guy I thought was great! I told him that I don't date guys who look at porn while in a relationship. He said the whole schfeal about how "It's not a problem, he'd choose a real girl any day." So four years into the relationship I found out he was lying. Big surprise right?(Sarcasm) He had other flaws aside from lying to me for years, and the relationship ended about 2months ago. My problem now is that I'm so cold and bitter... I used to be so nice and now I just feel like everyone is a big fat liar. It's like my eyes have been opened, and I realize that what I'm looking for doesn't actually exist. I'm a ridiculous type of person who is still searching for that one person. I don't do hook ups or the sort, never have and never will. I used to look for a guy who would only look at me, and me him. I used to be so naive.. It sucks to have suddenly lost your purpose in life. I tried dating again and I rushed into it, asked questions that would scare anyone away! I didn't realize until after that my new found trust issues were leaking out and making me act like a crazy person... So I guess I'm looking for some advice to help me out of my hole?

[lilypadgirl]

I'm sorry that you had such a traumatic experience with your first bf and it's sad that that experience has made you unable to trust guys regarding porn. However, porn use is so common that if you insist on a guy who doesn't ever use porn, sadly that means you will either be lied to or remain single. I'm not saying that to be mean or judgmental, just that so many guys use porn.

 

Porn in and of itself is not a problem and most guys can use it in healthy ways. Sometimes you can even enjoy porn together with your partner to spice up your sex life. Like all things, it is just a tool and can be used for better or worse.

 

Ultimately, I think you should see a therapist to work through your trust and insecurity issues. Until you figure out a way to feel confident in yourself and resolve the trauma caused by your first bf, then it won't just be porn, but any type of behavior can trigger insecurities. For example, what if your new bf looked at another girl a little longer than you're comfortable with, etc? Talk to a therapist and find out who you are and what makes life meaningful and purposeful outside of a relationship. That will help you feel more secure and confident within a relationship.

 

Good luck.

[mhowe]

Your situation is far from odd --- there are thousands of threads on here about women who are insecure and feel that their bf/husband/SO should not look at porn.

And most men, in fact do.

It is possible to find one who doesn't.

 

So --- if porn is a dealbreaker, best to ask it up front....

 

And because one man lied to you does not make all men liars.

[t1lersm0m1]

I think you may be able to find men who do not watch porn, but they are going to be very few and far between. And to find a man you are compatible with who doesnt' look at porn will be even harder.

 

You can't punish future men for what your current boyfriend did. You have to be open to trusting people until that trust is broken.

[Unreasonable]

He said the whole schfeal about how "It's not a problem, he'd choose a real girl any day."

Perhaps he made the mistake of thinking sex and masturbation are interchangeable.

 

They aren't interchangeable, and any promise based on that mindset is virtually doomed to failure. People in committed relationships don't typically have sex because they're bored, stressed, or just want to briefly feel good. They do it for intimacy. It's possible he tried to quit for a while, then slipped up and realized he couldn't hold to that, but didn't want to lose you, so he lied.

 

If you think they are interchangeable, then you probably are going to be bitter and cold for quite some time, because you view it as "why is he picking it OVER me?", when in fact it does not say anything about you at all.

 

I'm not telling you you can't find a man that doesn't use porn, even though statistics are heavily against you. But I can tell you that you cannot be 100% sure that any man you meet doesn't, because it is very difficult to prove a negative. We live in a world where it is available at your fingertips 24/7, literally. I don't think you are weird, but different times require adaptation, and I think you need to figure out how you are going to adapt.

[catfeeder]

You have a clear sense of what your issue is, and you also know that there's no moving forward into a healthy relationship unless and until you resolve it--and you can't do that on your own. You don't know how--and most of us don't. That's why there are professionals who've trained for years to help people work this stuff through.

 

Hire one of those. A good therapist has seen this before hundreds of times, and she or he can give you the right tools to move yourself past the first BF's behavior.

 

The problem with first BF wasn't the porn, the problem was that he checked out of your relationship without telling you. That was cowardly and did you no favors--so that's the thing you need to work on reconciling, and this will reduce your focus on the porn. That wasn't the cause of the problem, it was a symptom, and you need help to learn how to grasp that in a healthy way.

 

This is workable, and the sooner you pursue the help to 'see' it, the sooner you'll find relief.

 

Head high.

[lostparty]

I'm actually not a very insecure person. If I feel I can trust someone hen a lingering glance doesn't send me off the handle. I don't have an issue with it as far as insecurity, the real feeling behind is that I'm looking for a genuine love. Someone who only looks at me and no one else. I once thought to seek therapy, but in the end realized that it's just part of who I am. I am lifer and I would only look at my SO, so I am looking for that in turn. In reality there really is nothing wrong with wanting that, and nothing strange about not wanting your partner to look at human beings other than yourself sexually. Alas I think you're right in that I won't find one though. It simply doesn't exist and I guess I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with that.. I appreciate your insight

[lostparty]

I assume right off the bat that they do, I just inform any man before dating him that I don't tolerate my partner looking at porn while in a relationship with me. I even go as far as to tell them that to me, it's cheating. I am very upfront and fair, I say if they don't want to pursue me then I won't judge them. Unfortunately the result is just that they know to hide it better. It really is just unfortunate being someone like me! haha Funny thing is, lots of men don't like their girlfriends looking at porn. It's a rising problem now that many women do it to and their SO is like... Why? Am I not giving her enough? Anyways, I agree with you that even though 2 men have lied to, they're not all liars. It's just scary when I realized how I had full heartedly believed my now ex. I didn't doubt him or treat him suspiciously once even though I had already gone through this before...Blah

[lostparty]

You're absolutely right on that. No man I date in the future should have to deal with this lack of trust feeling I have at this present time. I think I need to explore different things in life.. Love isn't everything. It once was to me, but I don't think that I'm compatible with this day and age..Romance is kind of dead lol .. Really I ought to just pick up some hobbies, hangout with my friends more and forget about love entirely. It seems a big jump, but why not. Doesn't matter how much oyu want something, if it's not for me, then it's not for me..