Right Choices / Wrong Choices / Regrets

[CostofChoices]

Hi.

 

I am a new member here. There are a lot of subcategories within this forum and I find it to be a bit too much, but I chose this category because what I would like to talk about today is related to healing after a break up. However, there are some other aspects I would like to dive into as well that are related.

 

I am in my mid 20's and was seeing this girl, Carly, for about a year or so. For the first 3 months or so, Carly was everything I had ever dreamed of intellectually, physically, emotionally, etc. We just really clicked. I loved spending time with her and we quickly started to spend all of our time together. Things were going great. I could not get over how I scored such a beautiful woman and promised myself not to mess it up.

 

As the relationship progressed, things started to get worse (like it usually always does). Carly had begun trying to change me and trying to control every little move I made. Carly literally needed to know where I was and what I was doing at all times, and if she had texted me or called me, I had to be there to pick up or respond right away. Now, I love being close, and I especially loved being close with her. However, I did not like the constant control that was hanging over my head. I was always fearful that she was going to get "angry" or "upset" if things did not go her way. I am not one to argue or fight. I am someone who likes to talk things out and come to agreements. It seemed, though, that with Carly... there was no such thing as compromise. I don't want to sound misogynistic, but I felt myself losing my "manhood". I felt myself feeling guilty for not answering a text right away, or for going to the store without telling her (even when I wasn't actually with her). She would go through my phone for no reason at all and would find something to complain about, even if it was just a text I sent one of my male friends saying that "we should get together soon". I didn't want to fight with her because it was literally impossible to come to any sort of agreement. I ended up just simply complying with her demands because I didn't want to listen to her go on and on for 5 hours. She seemed extremely insecure and spoiled, which are two traits that never came out when we met or during the first 3 months of our relationship. Carly had always seemed to bold and confident on the outside and she seemed like a go-getter. I was so attracted to her.

 

I never saw my friends anymore and the friends I have are few and close. I do not party. I do not go to clubs. I do not act like a regular male in his 20's. I am a successful young adult that carries his own job/house/car, etc. and I am not one to act foolishly. I never gave Carly a reason to suspect I was cheating or that she needed to control every move I made.

 

In the end, things became so bad that I felt I had lost my sense of self. I could no longer do anything that I wanted to do since everything was dominated by Carly. Not only this, but there was a long list of double-standards that came with Carly's rules and demands.

 

Carly started seeing a therapist partway through our relationship and I feel like there are some underlying issues that have not been resolved.

 

Carly had talked about marriage, buying a house together, starting a life and moving forward. I wanted these things, too. I really did. I just felt like Carly wasn't pulling her weight. She was not financially responsible, she did not give me room to breathe, she did not want to compromise on anything at all. I love Carly very much but I was stuck between a gray area of who I loved more - myself, or Carly. I figured I could not marry a woman who would not meet me halfway or try to work things through with me. Not everything has to be equal, but I needed to know that Carly was at least TRYING to pull her weight. I never felt like she was TRYING to do anything except get her way. Trying goes a long way for me, but if someone isn't willing to try, how can I have faith or respect?

 

It was a very long and difficult process and I finally decided that I was going to break up with Carly. I did not want to break up. Even after all the garbage she had put me through, I genuinely cared for her. When she was great, she was phenomenal. She had the potential to be so brilliant when she wanted to be. I can also say without a doubt that I probably will never find anyone as attractive, physically, as I found her to be.

 

After the breakup, I began to question my choice. I made sure for a long time that this was something I had worked very, very hard at. I had tried to give it my all and make it work to the best of my ability. I had tried for months. I sacrificed so much in order to try and make things work. I sacrificed time, money, relationships and I even sacrificed believing in myself (something I previously would have never allowed). Unfortunately, I sometimes feel like I should have done even more to try and make the situation better, to try to make us work. I know that I had given it my all, but there is this lingering inside of me that suggests maybe I should have found a way to try just a little bit harder.

 

Since we broke up, we have not spoken. I have not contacted her, seen her, or made any attempt to use any social networking sites. I miss her dearly. I miss her so much, it is ridiculous. At the same time, she has infuriated me beyond anything else in my entire life.

 

And so now, as I sit, I have this problem that I cannot get over. It's the constant reminder that I have things a lot of people wish they had. I have a steady job, a house, a car, and I appear to be "successful". And yet, I sit around in my house and contemplate how I am wasting the "best years of my life" because I am not a person who acts foolishly and likes to go out and party, and I also contemplate the issue of never finding someone I love as much as Carly.

 

There is nothing more I rather do than just sit with Carly. I would love to call her, text her, or even just show up at her house. I will not do these things, though, because I am a man who is chock full of discipline.

 

Maybe I am being foolish right now. Maybe I should call her, text her, or just show up. Or, Maybe that is all a horrible idea. What I want to do and what I will allow myself to do are completely different. I want to drive to her place right now but I know that I will never actually do it. Imagine how hurtful it would be if she was seeing someone else? If she didn't feel the same? Or what if she DID feel the same, but we just went back to this endless cycle of "Carly's Way", ultimately forcing me to leave again?

 

The thing is... I find my situation to be akin to a choice that must be made between two unappealing or unsettling outcomes. I tend to look at the situation like being given the choice to eat a worm or a scorpion if I were dying of hunger. They are both unappealing to the point that it really is difficult to choose. In a sense, it doesn't even feel like it matters which choice you pick, as you aren't going to be satisfied with either.

 

I feel - wait. I KNOW that I am unhappy with and also unhappy without her. It is painful.

 

As the days go by, more and more women are getting married or having babies and they are being swept off the market. There is less and less of a chance that I will find anyone that can compare to Carly. And what if one day Carly becomes one of those girls that is getting married or having a baby? What then? How am I going to react when that happens? Sit on enotalone and start another thread?

 

Relationships are a numbers game. The longer you wait, the older you get, the smaller your date pool becomes.

 

The reality is that I don't even think I could be with someone else. Carly was like no other person I have been with or met. We had such a strong connection on almost every level. We had fantastic conversations. We had great moments of silence. We had amazing sex. We learned from each other. We supported each other. We stood by each other at all times (literally).

 

And to be frankly honest - brutally honest - whenever a woman starts talking to me, I just get bored. My first inclination is to be polite, direct and end the conversation as quickly as possible and never, ever, ask any open ended questions. My interest level sinks to 0 and I just think about how wonderful Carly is and how much it sucks to not be with her.

 

There are many things that Carly has done that are questionably unforgivable and hurtful. In most cases, I do not forgive easily, but I just wish Carly would be on the same page as me. I wish I could forgive her and we could come to an agreement. Apologize to each other and start fresh. I could do that. I could forgive it all.

 

The real problem though, is that I do not think I can forgive myself.

 

I cannot forgive myself for letting her take advantage of me. I cannot forgive myself for breaking up with her. I cannot forgive myself for feeling the way I feel right now.

 

And as such - I am between a rock and a hard place.

 

My options seem to be:

 

A) Contact her and risk everything

 

or

 

B) Don't contact her and risk everything

 

Which one would you choose? Would you eat the worm, or would you eat the scorpion?

[lilypadgirl]

I would choose choice C) Don't contact her and work on yourself and build a happier future.

 

I have no doubt you love her but what you are currently feeling is normal after a breakup. That's what make breakups so agonizing.

 

Also do you really want Carly back or are you afraid of not finding someone better? So if you did get back together, would you constantly feel like you are settling or missing out on someone who may fit you better?

 

What you need to do now is to take some time and figure out how to meet new people within your interests. If you don't like to party, find a group based on your interests. link removed is great for that. Find something new to learn, explore, grow.

 

Based on your descriptions, Carly does not seem to know how to be in a healthy relationship and her actions are creating a toxic environment. It sounds like she needs some figuring out to do for herself as well. If you get back together with her, nothing will change and she may end up being even more insecure/controlling.

 

Do both of you a favor and let her go. It may not seem like it now, but you have so many other options that neither require you to eat worms or scorpions, but may require you to eat some lemons now, but is good for you in the long-run.

[hermione]

Speaking as someone who was definitely the "Carly" of her past relationship, I can say for certain that therapy is probably helping your ex beyond measure. Control issues are often deep-seated and really very difficult to work through. It can take a long long time to see results and to be able to begin to control your own insecurities instead of your partner's actions. Even if she isn't pulling her weight in other ways, that's a really difficult step that could drastically alter the direction of any future relationship you might have.

 

I think that deep down you know what you want to do - people on this thread will undoubtedly advise you against it, that NC is God, etc, but in between her therapy and your assurance in your own self-esteem, I'm a firm believer that things can almost always be fixed. If you are to contact her and try to re-establish a relationship, you must MUST at the outset tell her that you will not allow things to be how they were the first time around. Your duty is to help her with her insecurities, not enable her. Hopefully after undergoing therapy and however much time apart you two have had, she will be able to see where she has gone wrong and be eager to fix these things as well. You need to begin this relationship by holding yourself in higher esteem, and never ever lose sight of that.

 

So, contact her, with restraint. Discuss with her the changes that you both need to make and, if you two can calmly and maturely discuss and COMPROMISE, it may be worth it to proceed slowly. I think that the initial conversation with her will tell you all you need to know about whether or not she has gotten over her control issues. If things seem to be the same or worse, run like hell. But don't put yourself through more misery wondering, and don't feel the need to stick to a decision that makes you unhappy for the sake of "consistency." And if she hasn't changed, don't put yourself through worse misery trying to force her to. No matter what happens though, what you have will not be the same relationship as it was - this may be a good thing! Just be prepared for that.

[deadmareish]

Also being another "Carly" of my relationship I would have to say things aren't going to change if Carly hasn't realised and accepted regret of how she acted.

I agree with the post above, these issues of control are about insecurities. That's how it was for me. I always thought that he didn't love me as much or I was too overweight for him or I worried that he'd find someone else that has more interests then he and I did. I generally thought that he was too good for me and I didn't deserve him.

It comes from both ways though, we never start out to be controlling, but there will be underlying issues that start it all off.

The thing about my relationship though was not much affection was ever shown. He would never usually 'like' any of my pictures on Facebook were it was clear I gone to a lot of effort, he'd like other girls. Or I'd always be the one to plan holidays and day trips or date nights. He was never one to approach me and say 'oh wouldn't it be nice if we go here for the weekend' - I had to plan my own 21st birthday trip away for god sakes! Another issue is after a year and a half I thought it would be nice to play along with some of his interests, like hanging with his friends or going to music concerts with him, not all the time of course but once in a while would have been good for us I think. He didn't agree.

You see, although it seems petty and small the little things like that will really eat away at someone who is so insecure. Then because I felt like that all the time it got to the point where I'd get upset when it seemed like he wasn't showing interest in me. Maybe it was different for you and Carly, but I bet if you ask her why she was like that she'll tell you things like that. Now, of course it's not your fault! If she blames it internally of you then she hasn't accepted her mistake and she won't change. Like I said it's all down to being insecure, and there's nothing you can do about that it's part of her. If you really love her then you just have to embrace that side of her. Tell her that you sometimes NEED time for yourself and time with your friends but that doesn't mean you don't want love her but it's healthy to have some space. If she respects you she'll understand.

 

I think she's lucky that you care for her so much you're willing to give her a second chance.

Hopefully she takes everything on board and becomes better to you.

 

I would give anything for my second chance!

 

Good luck!