Mentally exhausted on the road leading to nowhere. What are dreams for anyway?

[mesmerized]

Hello there,

 

I've already posted here parts of my story over the past few months so I don't wanna bore you with the same suff. Yesterday was another tough night with mental paralysis. Staying up till 3:30am and thinking how to solve my situation is not a fun thing to do. Not if it's the 3rd night in a row. I finally exploded. Inside. What is an empty body? Just a vessel? A carrier? I'm sure most people would say that I'm exaggerating but I don't feel I am.

 

I had a dream. From every single bloody side I get the same slogans. "You got a dream, you gotta protect it." or "Nothing's impossible." or "Go after your dreams." and the evergreen "Never give up." Why don't people promote "Just do it!" under a picture of a gun next to the head? Sorry, I'm being saracastic, had a tough night but I see no way of achieving any of my small dreams.

 

I'm sick of my job. All my life I've been hardworking, diligent, honest and reliable. But I'm sick of my current life. I'm sick of the place I'm in. I'm sick of the airpollution being 10-15 times higher than the norms. It's like a voluntary suicide. Where I'm working now (and have been for the past 3 years) I don't get any social or medical insuerance. I'm sick of lack of personal development. No possibilities of promotion. Nothing. I'm sick of sleepless nights. I'm sick of dreaming of what I'd love to achieve and then realizing I can't find a way to get it. I have two options. Either I spend every single penny I have on a PhD (which might end up being useless anyway taking the field I'm in) I guess my biggest dream was to work at university, work with students, devote my life to education and educating others. Now I don't see it possible. The second way is to change my career path entirely and at the age of 32 get another (sic!?) BA.

 

In both cases, I feel I'm too old for it. In the modern world education doesn't mean much anyway. I don't have enough money for a PhD, I don't have enough to cover the tuition fee in case of other studies. I'm not a US citizen so I can't get a loan. In Canada, Australia or the UK universities are really expensive but I guess there's no other way to get into those countries if I wanted to stay there awhile and that is my dream.

 

My life is a mess. At the age of 30 I realized I can't do what I'm doing now. I think I can forget about any stable relationship (let alone having a family) becuase I don't even have a job that is fairly stable or promising. If I decide to study again, I'll graduate at the age of 35. Let's be honest. Life is divided into stages and it doesn't give second chances. Most people at that age are already settled and I'll be beginning a completely new life without much work experience in the new field.

 

All I know is that I have to feel I've achieved something... I'll never feel happy or satisfied unless at least one of those dreams comes true but at this point I feel totally helpless and tired of thinking. Sometimes I feel that if I could, I'd end this bloody mess once and for all.

[chitown9]

What are you pasionate about? That is what you should pursue. chi

[Man with Dog]

Did you read my thread "When a career doesn't work"? I can very much understand how you feel. My situation is slightly different to yours in that I'm nearly twice your age and at least do have a house and family but am struggling to hold onto it.

 

I can really see where you are coming from. There really is a time in life when one has to admit that one's career plans have simply not worked. One thing I've learned the hard way is that there are times in life where (as Orange Juice sung) you have to rip it up and start again! In my case, it was a broken marriage, other people start businesses and they fail. Even Simon Cowell had to move back in with his parents at one time.

 

I can't say I have all the answers but sometimes one can look away from the main job. In my case, I've had some success in writing but do not make nearly enough to live on. Other people have managed to start up new enterprises in their spare time, started painting and all sorts of other things. Now I'm not saying that it works every time but at least when I lie on my deathbed in around 20 years' time, I'll be able to say "at least I tried".

 

Good luck.

[Brotherhood67]

Man,

I feel for you but you need to realize a few times :

I'm 31, so roughly your age. I will move out of this country next year in order to pursue my dream, whatever the cost. And this dream is to live in Berlin, make a PhD and find a good job. I work in law, which field are you in ? Your Dreams are worth pursuing, whatever the cost. There is always a solution, especially if you are sick of what you're doing right now. You don't risk anything more than your job if I read correctly. What is a job compared to smiling every day ? What is a job compared to a lifetime of happiness ? Nothing.

I know your situation because I experienced the same thing - next year, I will roughly make 4 times less money than now. And 4 times more happiness. That is the real deal.

 

And as for PhDs, ever thought of France ? Studies are cheap, place is nice to live for a while and high standards of social security are present. I gave this country a chance a few years ago, WORTH EVERY PENNY (except for the part where I met my Damn ex-wife but that's another story and not mandatory for you) ! ^-^

[mesmerized]

What are you pasionate about? That is what you should pursue. chi

 

Hi Chi,

 

My dream was to become a university teacher somewhere in the US, Canada or New Zealand. I (used to?) feel passionate about literature and history but every single day the modern world seems to be telling me that I should put that passion into the trashbin.

 

My students go to best colleges in the world and I'm stuck in this (sorry for the word) s...hole just because I don't have enough money to finance my studies. Is it really such a big dream?

[mesmerized]

Did you read my thread "When a career doesn't work"? I can very much understand how you feel. My situation is slightly different to yours in that I'm nearly twice your age and at least do have a house and family but am struggling to hold onto it.

 

It might sound odd but I'd prefer to be at the end of the road rather than where I am now. Don't get me wrong... but at least you have the feeling of achievement.

[mesmerized]

I'm 31, so roughly your age. I will move out of this country next year in order to pursue my dream, whatever the cost. And this dream is to live in Berlin, make a PhD and find a good job. I work in law, which field are you in ?

 

I'm in education. Teaching. I teach English, American/English literature, US and European history. Useless. That's how I feel. I really feel useless. Completely useless. Why couldn't I become an engineer or a lawyer? Do something useful?

 

If I want to change my career path entirely, I have to start studying from scratch I suppose. Another BA is not gonna be easy to get.

 

I just feel so hopeless. I've never felt so much pressure mixed with disappointment. I used to be "sharp", I used to be bright, I used to learn fast... People used to appreciate me, students used to appreciate my classes... Some even said I was more than a teacher, I was a mentor... Now I'm just a bloody useless shadow of my former self with very dark perspectives for the future.

 

I used to believe that if so many of my students chose me as the best teacher then I could perhaps one day teach at university. But what do those opinions mean? Who am I? Just a guy who has a dream to study and teach at university? American universities have thousands of candidates like me probably. Yeah, I can speak some languages, I teach very well, I have some knowledge of literature and history, but so what? I'm not an engineer or software programmer.

[mesmerized]

I forgot to say "thank you" for each and every word you all left here.

 

I'm having these dark thoughts... "how I wish I could simply disappear."

 

Is my dream too big? Is moving to a country like the US or Canada really impossible in my case? I was even thinking of selling the only thing I really have (my small apartment) to finance part of my studies but... it's a very risky move. I don't have any social insurance so if I splash out every single penny on the tuition, I'll be left without anything.

 

Funny. Right now they're playing "Living Wreck" by Deep Purple. I don't want to wake up being 40 years old and asking myself why I failed. I already feel like a failure. I have two bloody useless degrees because the university I went to is not world-famous. What's my Master's for anyway?

 

EDIT: I hate this feeling of something squeezing my throat. I'm so frustrated by my current situation... ARGH! My life is a complete mess and I'm the only one to blame. It will always be like that because of who I am.

 

There are moments when I still believe I can change my life but... but they are fewer and fewer. The give way thoughts of hoplessness and despair. Where do I start? How can I find the right direction? Is there still any hope for me? I don't know why I feel like in a game... a game I lost. There's no "savegame" or last "check-point" I can go to. I just lost and there's a dark screen saying "game over."

 

I'm sorry, I just don't have anyone I could talk with about all those matters.

[Man with Dog]

It might sound odd but I'd prefer to be at the end of the road rather than where I am now. Don't get me wrong... but at least you have the feeling of achievement.

 

I don't have much feeling of achievement with my current job and it has only been something fleeting when it has happened. I only get the feeling of achievement from writing but, at the moment, I'm struggling to get a deal for another book and I'm currently only doing free writing assignments.

[mesmerized]

I don't have much feeling of achievement with my current job and it has only been something fleeting when it has happened. I only get the feeling of achievement from writing but, at the moment, I'm struggling to get a deal for another book and I'm currently only doing free writing assignments.

 

Thanks for your reply MwD.

 

I don't know what to add to my previous posts... There are no right words. I've moved to Shanghai hoping to reignite the spark with teaching but it's not helping. Every day I come home I just sit on my bed and feel like my whole life has been wasted. My self-esteem is going down the drain. I feel I can't do this job anymore and yet I see no alternatives. Today I met a guy from the US whose major was finances but he's having a "career gap year" and teaches English here in China and he said to me "I can't imagine teaching for the whole life, it'd kill me" He says he's going to move to New Zealand or Australia in a few months. Just like that. A simple thing to do. He's got something to go back to. My major was teaching. I have nothing else up my cuff.

 

Yeah. He's right. It will kill me. I can feel I'm developing depression. I'm just going into this black hole of sadness. I don't know who to talk to so I'm posting messages here but, while I have some remains of hope every time I'm writing about how I feel, I know no one can really offer any way out of this situation.

[mesmerized]

Hello,

 

I need help. Is there any place on the Internet where I could seek some kind of advice as to my situation and career problems I'm facing?

 

I can't let this situation be like this anymore, it's like self-flaggelation. If life is just about survival then I don't see any point in it left for me.

 

Thank you.

[blueidealist24]

I found this site last night when I was struggling with my own feelings: link removed. I didn't end up using it, since my upset started to die down, but you may find it helpful.