In love, she's married(not good) she still loves me.

[coloradobound]

Ok, I'm involved with a married woman, we love each other, and yes it is real. She has a guilty conscience with still being married and says she wants to work on her marriage. I think the only reason she wants to is because of how long they have been married. They lived together before they were married, had fights, split up at times, etc. She has told me she questions the marriage like it was "just the next logical step" in the relationship. He seems to only care about himself, as long as he gets what he wants and when, the rest of the time he could care less about what she does. He got mad at her for not answering her phone one time, she got home, they fought and he pushed her into a wall. When she told me about that, her tone of voice when she said he's never done anything like that before, it killed me inside.

 

A week after she told me she wants to try and work on her marriage, she was in my car, broke down in tears and said I didn't know how badly she wanted to be with me.

 

She's even told me that he's told her that if he ever lost her he'd kill himself. I dont really think thats love or devotion, I think its like almost just putting that on her conscious on if she ever thought of leaving her, so she'd feel guilty.

 

I think one thing holding her back from moving on from him (I really dont care if its me or whoever she moves onto) is that is all she has known and is afraid of a change. I think she'd be happier without him. And even though supposedly he would never hurt her again physically, to me, you do it once, there is an even greater chance of doing it again and possibly even worse than the first time.

 

And for me, she knows I'd be there for her as much as I can, support her, and would never hurt her. She has said the best thing she likes about me is how I treat her. To me its as if they are still friends, just legally married. He really doesn't do anything for her.

 

Sorry for being so long, just wish I knew what to do for her and myself. Just how to make her see that it is not a healthy relationship and there will be someone there for her if she makes the right decision.

 

I even remember her saying before they were married, HIS friends told her she shouldn't marry him. Now thats saying something. We still talk and email each other everyday. And there is still a "flirting" tone to what she says. and we are still doing things together.

 

I just dont think its a healthy relationship for her and her husband and think she'd be happier away from him, whether its with me or not. And just want some advice. I'd like to be with her again, but see what happens.

[RockG]

Wow! You seem like a really great guy! But like you said give it time. Tell her about how you feel.. if he does it once he'll do it again.. i believe that too.. see if she does!! And you can't make her leave he husband.. so if she happens to stay with her husband just remember it isn't your fault..

and you can move on! So all i can say to you is see if she sees it your way and give it time! And if he does do something like that again.. just a suggestion and with her concent call the police or tell someone!

 

So good luck.. and Happy New Year!

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

U are in the state u really got to tell her how u feel. U got to let her know the worriedness in u, the blissful marriage she truly deserves. And tell her u wan to see her through this, as a boyfriend. And ask also, whether she is willing to give u a chance to work it out together..

 

One thing to take note, u cant change the way she sees things. But u can always bring things nearer for her to take a closer look. She will understand things better that way.

 

Hope u know what i mean.

[redsuede]

Yes, you do SOUND like a very good guy. but the fact of the matter is YOU are sleeping with someone elses. NOT COOL. You are picking apart someone elses marrage, and if you have ever been in a relationship, you can never know exactly what is happening between the two of them unless you are one of them. You are saying once you hit you always hit, does that mean once you sleep with someone elses wife, you have the morality to always sleep with someone elses wife? She is the biggest one to blame here because she should take responcibility for her actions and come clean. All 3 of you are living a lie. He has no idea what is happening and is basing his decision to stay with his wife on the note he thinks she is faithful. You have just as big as an active role in this too. Not trying to be harsh, but maybe you should try to be with someone who has not promised themselves to someone else. Cheating is cheating. THis is a very big deal! If she is being hit, she needs to find some help.. But you are not it. I think you should find help yourself and find out why you would even venture on flirting and being intimate with a married woman. Good luck in finding yourself.

[coloradobound]

Part is we clicked very well. This has happened in her family before. Her mom had an affair when she was a kid, she knew it, her dad treated her mom like crap, and then she finally divorced him and her mom and step dad (the guy the affair was with) have been married happily for 12 or more years.

 

She has said he has a temper and he does drink. He get stupid when he gets drunk, i've seen it first hand, the way he acts, what he says, and just how he treats her.

 

They have broken up in the past, fought, etc. And I feel once you hit someone the first time, you have a great chance of doing it again, and maybe worse. You dont know how hurt she sounded when she told me he did something to her.

 

And its not about sex. We just do stuff together, spend time together, and doesn't involve sex, but it just feels so good for both of us.

 

She burst into tears when she said she loved me. I have seen first hand at how he is around her. He gets what he wants, then doesn't care what she does. Thanksgiving, he had to make him a turkey, then she spent time with me and some friends/coworkers, and he didn't care to join us/her. He just stayed home and slept. Doesn't seem to want to be involved in her life or see who her friends are.

 

He really doesn't do much for her. She has no romance in her life. I asked her what she thought was romantic, she said no ones done anything for her and that it would be a nice change.

 

And she doesn't believe he'd do it again. She said they talked about it, and she said she never felt threatened, but when she told me what he did, you could just tell the hurt and pain in her voice. And she was scared and upset.

 

And it hasn't always been me with the flirty tone to talking/emailing. She's instigated it at times. And another thing is she has been used in her life. No ones really tried to make sure she enjoys the relationship or sex.

 

And how about her husband telling her if he lost her, he'd probably commit suicide? I think thats a "leave me and what i'll do will be all your fault" guilt trip.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

I dun think nobody has done for her anything. It is either she doesnt ask, coz she dun like rejections or that she hasnt ask it in the right manner.

 

As for her step dad, i dun see he has to be in the picture here.

 

What romantic things she wants? I dun think she dun have, u noe. She have them! She want them to be fuifilled. She doesnt know the way to have it, and the way is through courage and determination. She got pave her way out.

 

Thats why u have to take things to her side for a closer look.

 

Yes! Thats a guilt trip, coz she had hurt him before, u see. There is nothing much u can do about it, coz she chooses this guilt herself, meaning she chooses this path with u since years back then. She has to learn to settle that part very much herself.

[coloradobound]

Part is just what time I have spent with her, there's the side she shows to her coworkers and other friends, and the real her. I've seen the real side of her. And thats what kills me so badly inside to see her how she is. What she's gone through.

 

Having seen that side of her, she is such a good person, deserves so much. She has a big heart. And also I dont think anyones really treated her well or made her feel good about herself. There just at times she's told me when we were together she doesn't want the light on because of how she feels about herself. And she said the best thing she likes about me is how sweet and kind I am to her. She said she's used to being used "sexually". She said she wasn't used to someone making her enjoy things.

 

I dont think anyones really tried to make her happy, make her feel good about herself. Make her feel like a person. She is such a good person inside, but has put up with alot, and I think she could be so much happier and treated so much better.

 

People have also said that she's probably not used to someone really treating her well, making her feel good.

[coloradobound]

This is just killing me inside. She really deserves so much more. I have seen how he treats her at times, and how he acts. I am in the belief that things happen for a reason and we both feel the same thing.

 

I just feel that she really isn't used to be treated well and is just afraid of a change, even if it could be a better change. And that he is all she has known for a good while.

 

I've just seen how he's hurt her emotionally and shes personally been there and treated him better then he has ever treated her.

[Prosper]

Hi..

 

Thats true.. she truly deserves more than that. But she got to be learn to fight for things she wants. We cant force her, we can only motivate her.

[coloradobound]

Thats where I wish I knew how to motivate her towards getting more from her life. And i really dont see him giving it to her. Thats probably what surprised her about me.

[Prosper]

Hi..

 

There are a lot of ways to motivate a person. U can start off with simple compliments about how she looks, how she dresses, how she talks..

 

U can also start with simple appreciation, saying thank you, whenever she meets u out for lunch or dinner, etc.

 

U do what is needed to boost her confidence. Once she is assured of herself, she will start doing things..

[ticklebug]

coloradobound,

 

although I am no fan of infidelity, if her husband is as bad as she says he is & she really wants to leave him than you need to give her the motivation to do it by not seeing her until she does.

 

It's a version of why buy the cow...

 

if she can run to you for sympathy and support and good times, it just makes the time she has to spend with him more bearable..because she has something to look forward to...

 

take that away, and if she is truly serious about how she feels it will be her motivator to leave, for good...this time. Then and only then should you offer 100% support of her.

[mscolly]

Coloradobound, I understand what you describe all too well. I'm in similar situations (yes, plural).

 

As a husband, my wife has fallen in love with another, after being unhappy in the marriage for years, unbeknownst to me. The other man (half her age, but that's almost irrelevant) is convinced that he's bringing a ray of sunshine into a sad existence. And there was one and exactly one episode of violence on my part, provoked by him in reality. I'm not at all proud of that, I would have sworn I couldn't do that, but it happened. I feel I was provoked beyond measure, but that's only extenuating circumstances, not an excuse. What I want to say here is, you only hear one side of the story, and the facts are explained from only one point of view. Remember that.

 

As a friend of a co-worker (and for the moment, just a friend) in an unhappy marriage and an unhappy position at work too (a mobbing victim), I believe what she tells me, up to a certain point. I personally find her fascinating and charming, but I know other co-workers think she's a bit difficult and even strange at times.

 

It takes two to be unhappy in a marriage, perhaps in different measures, but after all, it is the person that once upon a time you decided would be good for you for the rest of your life. If nothing else, you made a big mistake in choosing that person, you're guilty at very least of that. A marriage also needs work and decision. It's all too easy to just give up.

 

You don't know what's really going on in this woman's marriage. You "think" alot, but you don't (and can't) know. She's found a safe haven in you, a relief, a comfort. But it might not even be love she really feels for you. In a sense, she's not choosing you freely. Yes, she may (or may not) be in a healthy relationship, but you are also one of the last people on earth that can decide that, you're biased. Even if she left her husband for you, would you ever be really sure why? To be with you or to escape from husband.

 

Take your distance. Remain around, at a distance if you must, but the decision to work out her marriage, or call it quits should be her own, free decision, without outside influences. Don't advise her, your advice is suspect. Don't promise yourself as her safe haven is she decides to go. Do you really want a person that isn't capable of freely choosing what to do with her life?

 

Cheating is not right, it does no good to none of the three people involved. If she wants to be with you, she should first break off with her husband, be a free person, then freely choose you. Any short-cuts here will lead to heartbreak in the future.

[PrincessLinzay]

~Coloradobound~

 

I think the difficult thing that you have to realize is, that whatever she may be saying about how "bad" her relationship with her husband is, she's point blank said that she wants to work things out.

 

You can think he's an awful person, he treats her horribly (again, by her words), he doesn't do nice things for her or appreciate her, but the fact remains, they are still married and she wants to work things out with him.

 

If she didn't really want to be with him, she wouldn't be. If there was no love there, she wouldn't be there. When you don't love someone anymore, it's much easier to leave. It's love that keeps people in relationships (even ones that may not be good for them).

 

As hard as it may be, the best thing to do is to move forward with your life. A relationship with this woman will only cause you pain. She may genuinly care for you, but she's still with her husband, and doesn't really have any intention of leaving. And nothing you say or anyone else says will make her leave. She would have to leave because she really wants to. I know it's difficult, but you also have to think about yourself. Your happiness should be just as important.

 

Good Luck!

[PrincessLinzay]

she told me she wants to try and work on her marriage

 

I don't think it could be any more clear than that.

 

 

Yes, indeed people stay in marriages for children, financial reason, etc....

 

However, if they aren't in love, and they meet someone else who they love and want to be with, they don't generally try to "work things out" with their spouse.

 

Btw, technically their marriage is already over. Trust is gone.

Whether it ever becomes officially over? Could be just a matter of time---but that time frame is different for everyone. Could take weeks, months, years or never.

 

Actually, their marriage most certainly isn't over. In order for it to "technically" be over, they would have to be divorced, which they are not. She wants to work on things. People do overcome trust issues, and she's said absalutely nothing about leaving her husband.

 

I don't think it's healthy to attempt to remain in a relationship with a married woman who has expressly said that she wants to work things out in her marriage. In fact, I think once you marry someone, you should try to work through your problems. After all, that's what marriage is all about.

 

I maintain that this whole situation will only bring pain. She is still married. Married, married, married. What else can I say?

[Iceman26]

Out of curiosity man, even if she ended her marriage to her husband, would you ever really be able to trust her?

 

She has broken her vows of marriage to her husband, and she would more than likely do the same thing again if she was unhappy with you.

[coloradobound]

I would like to try a relationship, just having seen who she really is inside. But I would also lay down some rules and definitely work on communication. I think that is one problem with her current marraige, the dont communicate. I am not saying "we'll spend the rest of our lives together", but I wouldn't mind trying to see what could happen. I am just trying to be a friend right now and nothing romantic has happened since the "work on marriage" thing she told me.

 

I really do think that she is afraid of the change. We even talked about things and she said she knows there are problems, and she said she's just not strong enough right now.

 

I just care about her alot, and dont want to see her hurt.

[Iceman26]

Well adultery is one for starters, and a huge one. I am not a church going man by any means, but I do believe in one of the commandments that says "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife".

 

If I were married, I wouldn't like some guy sleeping with my wife, so I wouldnt sleep with a married woman. There are plenty of other women that are single, plus I could never trust someone who betrayed the person they are supposed to have and to hold above all others.

 

Everybody gets hurt coloradobound. Its a part of life, whether or not you want to see it.

[helpneeded]

ur kinda in the same position as me.......except i'm in love with a woman who's 18yrs older than me, and she calls her partner her 'wife'.....

 

shes staying with her not because shes in love with her, yes she does feel for her......but its cos shes guilty, the wife of her depends on my girl, everything evolves around her. the wife is married with a husband and has 2 children too......and the husband does not know about my girl.

 

we're totally in love with each other, but it's difficult cos we don't live close to each other either.....whereas she sees her 'wife' everyday at work. its not a healthy relationship but my girl feels obliged to stick 2 her cos shes worried about the consequences. i want her to leave her for the sake of her own health cos its definitely not a healthy relationship cos her wife knows that my girl is in love with me, and all she does is scream/cry/shout.......yet my girl is still with her.

 

even if my girl doesn't leave her 4 me, i don't think its fair that she should be trapped in their relationship.

 

my girl is a really gd person despite the fact that shes cheating.......but she has never lied, and i trust her. i'm sticking by her even though i know she won't leave her wife.....cos i really care about her and love her......although yes, i suffer from a lot of pain.

i think my girl is afraid of change too....afterall, her wife works for her...and i'm not close enough 2 be by her side everyday.

[coloradobound]

Thats the boat I'm in. I just dont really think it is a healthy relationship. She does so much only for him and gets really nothing in return. And dont say its because of what shes told me. I've met him and been around them both when they are together.

 

Thats where I know she is a very good person and she deserves so much more in her life and to be alot happier than she is. I think for her, she is guilty of what has happened, and feels obliged to "work on her marriage". I am sticking with her because I care about her alot. I wont push her either way. But I will be there for her and support her and help her in any way possible. I would love to have her in my life like that, but first and foremost I want her safe and happy.

[helpneeded]

coloradobound.....thats exactly wot i'm doing. i get told i'm being stupid cos its a ridiculous situation and i get hurt alot in this....but i love her so much, it doesn't matter. good luck..hope it all works out! i'm just sticking by her even though i know she won't leave her wife!

[coloradobound]

I've been researching abusive relationships and I really think that she is in one. Here's what makes me feel that she is, copied from a good page on abusive relationships and what makes me think it applies to her:

 

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:

Is jealous or possessive toward you.

(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships

(he has been posessive of her and tries to control what she does and even who she does things with, friends, etc. even female friends.)

 

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

(he has said, i dont like you talking to so and so (a co worker that happens to be male, but is married and has kids))

 

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. (pushing her into a wall over not answering her phone)

 

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being. (his friends warned her about marrying him)

 

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do. (she has mentioned things about how he has reacted to stuff she has done or said, and the things have never been bad)

 

You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do. (she has said "i'm not strong enough now" and things along those lines)

 

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time? (he calls her and sees what she is doing alot)

 

• act jealous and possessive? (read above)

 

• discourage your relationships with friends and family? (the no talking to that co worker thing)

 

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you (push her into a wall over a little thing)

 

One that comes to mind on it is: do they say that they will kill or hurt themselves if you break up with them?

 

And she has said that he would probably kill himself if he lost her.

 

I"ve had this kind of relationship happen to someone else that I love and care about alot (my brother) and it just kills me to see it happening to her.

[coloradobound]

I dont plan on controlling nor will I control how she acts. I'm just trying to bring them in front of her.

 

It is not codependency, I care about her and want to try and help her. I have no problems living my life. its i have seen first hand what it does to a person and I care about her alot. I'm just letting her know that if she needs anything I will be there for her and be a friend to her.

[coloradobound]

There are emotions there, but the first and foremost thing I want for her is to be safe and happy. Right now I dont care if its with me or not, but I really do fear for her safety with all the signs I've seen of an abusive relationship.

[cleverme123]

She can't make a rational decision with the relationship going on between you two. She is using you as emotional support and a crutch for the things she is not getting for him. You need to remove yourself from the situation and let her deal with her emotions and her TRUE feelings toward him before you get your self involved. She will never see no reason to leave if she can have the best of both worlds.

 

I am telling you this only because I have been there and I used someone for emotional support although I had no intention of leaving. I led him on and crushed him in the end. This is not a good thing for either of you and one of you will wind up hurt. If you do not walk away now she will continue to bounce back and forth.