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coloradobound

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  1. coloradobound
    I know you can't predict when or how he will react. I am only going to watch for signs for the cycle. On how she is acting. The honeymoon phase is "everything is fine". But I can tell at times when she's not herself. I think it will be good that she will not phyiscally be around him the coming week, as she will be on the other side of the country on a business trip. Which will help i think, in not seeing him everyday. I know how people can react during these things and with a temper. I know some of the things that happened to my brother, and others expereinces with this sort of thing. Thank you for the advice and insight. I know it is hard to share things that have impacted your life like that and I appreciate it.
  2. coloradobound
    I am happy to help people, and will help if I can. I'm not sure what I see happening. I know what I would like to happen. The key thing that needs to happen is her being away from him IMHO. I am really scared that he will do something that could severily harm her. Like I said, I am not worried about her and I, I'm mostly worried about her being safe. She has even admitted to me that he has a temper when he doesn't get his way. And I wonder if her having a degree and a good job and him doing fast food sort of work makes him insecure and he feels he has to control the relationship or something.
  3. coloradobound
    As in we both were in tears after that conversation. Thats what I mean by it was emotional. We were both crying. To put it bluntly, if he came after me with a gun, he'd be dead. I have legally carried a gun for over 5 years, went through training, etc. And I also happen to know he doesn't own a gun. And I work out and have 2 years of karate to take care if he comes at me just as himself. I will defend myself according to the threat. No weapon, I take care of it bare handed. Weapon, I will equalize. And dont worry about me with a weapon, my father is a former federal law enforcement officer and knows what I have also. I have not ever been abused. My brother was in a physically abusive relationship where SHE physically abused him. And he does have a temper, when he found out his wife was cheating, he grabbed her by the throat in the middle of a apartment complex. And he is a very immature person. So, thats why I fear he will become an abuser in the future. But I dont know if i can convince him to get some therapy so he doesn't. And again, why she wont leave him, she still loves him (they tend to focus on the happy times and ignore the bad times, which from what i've read and what she's told me are really BAD), they are in denial, she has a low self esteem, and in addition to him basically saying he would kill himself if he lost her on her conscious. And alot of times I believe it is change, she moved her away from her family and friends. They are all like accross the country. I am only worried about getting her out of this current situation and helping her recoup. Not worried about being with her right now. I think with help, and just how I am in relationships, I think I can help her. I would never get physical during an argument, and can control my anger very well and would rarely yell at someone. And I also plan on keeping communication open during a relationship, as I think thats what hurts alot of relationships. She is a very good person, and is a very caring and kind person. No one deserves to be treated like this, and having gotten to know who she really is, i really want to help her. For some reason people seem to open up to me and seek advice from me. A good friend, who started out as more than friends has confided in me with her dating relationship. I could've broken them up if I wanted to to have her back, but I saw her relationship then was a good one and did what was right. And another person who has been through some bad times, an abusive relationship, says she feels safe around me and says she is starting to trust men again because of me.
  4. coloradobound
    I think she is missing alot in her relationship, like romance, someone that shows her she is a good person, someone who listens, and someone who makes her feel good about herself. She tends to keep her feelings hidden, which may have something to do with how he is when she expresses things, but dont know for sure. Like when she said she wanted to work on her marriage, it was emotional on both sides. She said i could get angry at her and yell at her. Like she expected me to or something. Maybe how he reacts to her. I am not worried about my safety with him as I am not afraid of him. I am just making sure he doesn't find out I'm helping her for her safety. I can handle him on my end. And she stays with him for the reasons in the previous post. She has a low self esteem and may be afraid of the change. Antoher bad thing is I almost see my brother becoming an abuser in relationships, having been abused and what happened in his marriage that ended in divorce. And just how he acts alot of times.
  5. coloradobound
    From my research there are a number of reasons. One straight from her is that its not been all bad. But the thing is, normal relationships have their trouble spots, what she has told me and how I see her acting, these are not your normal relationship trouble spots. Alot the research has said they still love the abuser and believe that they will change, which they are in the honeymoon phase right now which means everything is "perfect". She is in denial about anything being abusive, ie when the pushing incident happened, she was very upset, and now she down plays it and says she never felt in danger (but if you could hear her voice when she told me, you'd know differently). Fear maybe, in she has said the he has told her "if i lost you i'd probably kill myself", so that is on her conscience. Another that I have seen is low self esteem, and with her, its not just recent, its been that way a while. From research, the abuser may promise to change, but rarely if ever does change. I think she may have been used in some past relationships and that may be all she knows. I'm just trying to be there to support her and depending on if she ever feels receptive, try and talk to her about things. I dont want to do anything to make her remember the past relationship we had as thats not what this is about, I just want to show her that there are things that make me worry about her safety. Its mainly I believe the love part, in what she said that it hasnt been all bad. But I am afraid that the next abuse cycle could be very damaging to her and this has been the first instance of physical violence and that the next time could be worse physical violence towards her. Not saying definitely, but most research and studies show the first is usually never the last.
  6. coloradobound
    1. I will not tell her she is in an abusive relationship, only that there is someone that cares. 2. I know about how people are in denial. I lived through this with my brother. 3. I will not push on her. I know that does not work, due to my research, asking professional help, and what it did with my brother. 4. I know about them going through the cycle and why they go back. It is just gradually letting them know someone cares and will listen. I have seen the control already, where he said he doesn't like her talking to a coworker. And from all the professional advice and other peoples experiences, giving up on it would be more detrimental to her. You say that helping her puts her in danger, I feel (and the professional advice I have received) sitting by and allowing this to continue without even trying to help is more hurting than anything. Allowing this person to continually hurt her isn't good.
  7. coloradobound
    That is one reason I will make a female friend of hers, who happens to be a friend of mine, aware of my concerns. So that maybe that she can see some of the signs also, but since she doesn't have the emotional involvement that I have, and possibly help her. And I have to say there is NO excuse for ever getting physical in an argument. And there are things there that are not even just how she puts it, or whatever, they are just wrong whether I do have emotional involvement or not. Him mad at her for talking to a male coworker who I know for a fact is no threat to him in that way and saying he doesn't like her talking to him. And how she reacted to the physical incident. She was hurt and upset when it happened. And now she downplays it, etc. That is another big sign of an abusive relationship.
  8. coloradobound
    Right now its just moral support, to be there if she does need anything. We both agreed only as friends right now. I will not give up on her, I care about her too much. And have read alot on how to help and I am going to try. The relationship is nothing romantic, strictly friends now.
  9. coloradobound
    There are emotions there, but the first and foremost thing I want for her is to be safe and happy. Right now I dont care if its with me or not, but I really do fear for her safety with all the signs I've seen of an abusive relationship.
  10. coloradobound
    I dont plan on controlling nor will I control how she acts. I'm just trying to bring them in front of her. It is not codependency, I care about her and want to try and help her. I have no problems living my life. its i have seen first hand what it does to a person and I care about her alot. I'm just letting her know that if she needs anything I will be there for her and be a friend to her.
  11. coloradobound
    I've been researching abusive relationships and I really think that she is in one. Here's what makes me feel that she is, copied from a good page on abusive relationships and what makes me think it applies to her: You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she: Is jealous or possessive toward you. (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships (he has been posessive of her and tries to control what she does and even who she does things with, friends, etc. even female friends.) Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships. (he has said, i dont like you talking to so and so (a co worker that happens to be male, but is married and has kids)) Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. (pushing her into a wall over not answering her phone) Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being. (his friends warned her about marrying him) You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do. (she has mentioned things about how he has reacted to stuff she has done or said, and the things have never been bad) You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do. (she has said "i'm not strong enough now" and things along those lines) Does the person you love... • constantly keep track of your time? (he calls her and sees what she is doing alot) • act jealous and possessive? (read above) • discourage your relationships with friends and family? (the no talking to that co worker thing) • push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you (push her into a wall over a little thing) One that comes to mind on it is: do they say that they will kill or hurt themselves if you break up with them? And she has said that he would probably kill himself if he lost her. I"ve had this kind of relationship happen to someone else that I love and care about alot (my brother) and it just kills me to see it happening to her.
  12. coloradobound
    Thats the boat I'm in. I just dont really think it is a healthy relationship. She does so much only for him and gets really nothing in return. And dont say its because of what shes told me. I've met him and been around them both when they are together. Thats where I know she is a very good person and she deserves so much more in her life and to be alot happier than she is. I think for her, she is guilty of what has happened, and feels obliged to "work on her marriage". I am sticking with her because I care about her alot. I wont push her either way. But I will be there for her and support her and help her in any way possible. I would love to have her in my life like that, but first and foremost I want her safe and happy.
  13. coloradobound
    I would like to try a relationship, just having seen who she really is inside. But I would also lay down some rules and definitely work on communication. I think that is one problem with her current marraige, the dont communicate. I am not saying "we'll spend the rest of our lives together", but I wouldn't mind trying to see what could happen. I am just trying to be a friend right now and nothing romantic has happened since the "work on marriage" thing she told me. I really do think that she is afraid of the change. We even talked about things and she said she knows there are problems, and she said she's just not strong enough right now. I just care about her alot, and dont want to see her hurt.
  14. coloradobound
    Thats where I wish I knew how to motivate her towards getting more from her life. And i really dont see him giving it to her. Thats probably what surprised her about me.
  15. coloradobound
    This is just killing me inside. She really deserves so much more. I have seen how he treats her at times, and how he acts. I am in the belief that things happen for a reason and we both feel the same thing. I just feel that she really isn't used to be treated well and is just afraid of a change, even if it could be a better change. And that he is all she has known for a good while. I've just seen how he's hurt her emotionally and shes personally been there and treated him better then he has ever treated her.
  16. coloradobound
    Part is just what time I have spent with her, there's the side she shows to her coworkers and other friends, and the real her. I've seen the real side of her. And thats what kills me so badly inside to see her how she is. What she's gone through. Having seen that side of her, she is such a good person, deserves so much. She has a big heart. And also I dont think anyones really treated her well or made her feel good about herself. There just at times she's told me when we were together she doesn't want the light on because of how she feels about herself. And she said the best thing she likes about me is how sweet and kind I am to her. She said she's used to being used "sexually". She said she wasn't used to someone making her enjoy things. I dont think anyones really tried to make her happy, make her feel good about herself. Make her feel like a person. She is such a good person inside, but has put up with alot, and I think she could be so much happier and treated so much better. People have also said that she's probably not used to someone really treating her well, making her feel good.
  17. coloradobound
    Part is we clicked very well. This has happened in her family before. Her mom had an affair when she was a kid, she knew it, her dad treated her mom like crap, and then she finally divorced him and her mom and step dad (the guy the affair was with) have been married happily for 12 or more years. She has said he has a temper and he does drink. He get stupid when he gets drunk, i've seen it first hand, the way he acts, what he says, and just how he treats her. They have broken up in the past, fought, etc. And I feel once you hit someone the first time, you have a great chance of doing it again, and maybe worse. You dont know how hurt she sounded when she told me he did something to her. And its not about sex. We just do stuff together, spend time together, and doesn't involve sex, but it just feels so good for both of us. She burst into tears when she said she loved me. I have seen first hand at how he is around her. He gets what he wants, then doesn't care what she does. Thanksgiving, he had to make him a turkey, then she spent time with me and some friends/coworkers, and he didn't care to join us/her. He just stayed home and slept. Doesn't seem to want to be involved in her life or see who her friends are. He really doesn't do much for her. She has no romance in her life. I asked her what she thought was romantic, she said no ones done anything for her and that it would be a nice change. And she doesn't believe he'd do it again. She said they talked about it, and she said she never felt threatened, but when she told me what he did, you could just tell the hurt and pain in her voice. And she was scared and upset. And it hasn't always been me with the flirty tone to talking/emailing. She's instigated it at times. And another thing is she has been used in her life. No ones really tried to make sure she enjoys the relationship or sex. And how about her husband telling her if he lost her, he'd probably commit suicide? I think thats a "leave me and what i'll do will be all your fault" guilt trip.
  18. coloradobound
    Ok, I'm involved with a married woman, we love each other, and yes it is real. She has a guilty conscience with still being married and says she wants to work on her marriage. I think the only reason she wants to is because of how long they have been married. They lived together before they were married, had fights, split up at times, etc. She has told me she questions the marriage like it was "just the next logical step" in the relationship. He seems to only care about himself, as long as he gets what he wants and when, the rest of the time he could care less about what she does. He got mad at her for not answering her phone one time, she got home, they fought and he pushed her into a wall. When she told me about that, her tone of voice when she said he's never done anything like that before, it killed me inside. A week after she told me she wants to try and work on her marriage, she was in my car, broke down in tears and said I didn't know how badly she wanted to be with me. She's even told me that he's told her that if he ever lost her he'd kill himself. I dont really think thats love or devotion, I think its like almost just putting that on her conscious on if she ever thought of leaving her, so she'd feel guilty. I think one thing holding her back from moving on from him (I really dont care if its me or whoever she moves onto) is that is all she has known and is afraid of a change. I think she'd be happier without him. And even though supposedly he would never hurt her again physically, to me, you do it once, there is an even greater chance of doing it again and possibly even worse than the first time. And for me, she knows I'd be there for her as much as I can, support her, and would never hurt her. She has said the best thing she likes about me is how I treat her. To me its as if they are still friends, just legally married. He really doesn't do anything for her. Sorry for being so long, just wish I knew what to do for her and myself. Just how to make her see that it is not a healthy relationship and there will be someone there for her if she makes the right decision. I even remember her saying before they were married, HIS friends told her she shouldn't marry him. Now thats saying something. We still talk and email each other everyday. And there is still a "flirting" tone to what she says. and we are still doing things together. I just dont think its a healthy relationship for her and her husband and think she'd be happier away from him, whether its with me or not. And just want some advice. I'd like to be with her again, but see what happens.
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