How clearer could the message be for me! I need to wake up!

[missbritz]

A lot of you probably know my story...was with my bf 2 and a half years

In a nutshell My ex(?) bf and I lived together for a year and a half with our kids (2 his, one mine) we had some wonderful times during his 'hot' moments but his hot/cold pull/push dynamic was just so damaging...I moved out with my daughter 8 months ago, after yet another go round of his 'my feelings have changed, I don't want to answer to anyone anymore, I wanna do what I wanna do when I wanna do it'

Anyway during the past 8 months we have still been together, we go out, he stays at mine, I stay at his, we took the kids away for July 4th and he want to go on a trip this summer just the 2 of us.

But it seems like he is just getting his cake and eating it. he seems to get all the benefits of me without the commitment (commitment phobia and emotional avoidance was his big thing)

It causes me so much anxiety as I feel I have been demoted. I know I should just axe him out of my life altogether but I love him - have no idea why!! he really is an incredibly selfish man, I think I am putting up with all this as my self esteem has been knocked way down.

Anyway this weekend he took his kids down to FL to where their mother lives. they will be spending the summer with her, he will be back tomorrow.

He has called me ONCE since he was there. he was supposed to come back today and so I text him when he was coming back and he said 'tomorrow afternoon'. ok I guess he wasn't going to let me know. I guess I am way down on his list of priorities and importance. The message is quite clear.

I know I have to let this man go, I have not been happy for a loooong time and I am so ashamed of myself, I feel I have lost all dignity and self respect.

I just need to move on but its been so hard when he play awesome boyfriend role sometimes and then cooling it other times.

I wasn't some girl he met in a bar a few months ago! I lived with him! I find it so hard to swallow that he could be just using me for sex now....how could he bastardize what he had? If he truly doesn't love me or want me - why didn't he let me go completely.....out of respect fro me and our relationship

Now I am in limbo and completely unhappy and I need to break free...I just don't know what to do or say from here.

[ParisPaulette]

how could he bastardize what he had? If he truly doesn't love me or want me - why didn't he let me go completely.....out of respect fro me and our relationship

 

Because he doesn't have the same values and empathy that you do. Sometimes one of the hardest things we have to do in life is realize and acknowledge, that just because we have a certain set of standards, ideals and how we would treat someone it does not mean that the someone those are being applied to has them as well. You need to look at him from the view of who he is and what he does, not who you are and what you do.

 

And the whole thing about keeping an ex around for sex and comfort whenever it's convenient is as old as time. It's still a demotion regardless of what the ex says. If you really want your self-esteem back the only way that will happen is to X him out of your life. A simple text, "Never speak to me again" followed by blocking and deleting him while you get some space and recover your self-esteem will do the trick.

[missbritz]

thanks Paris.

Yes I that has to be the plan...I need to extract myself from this situation. I just keep feeling hurt and pain over and over and over like some kind of masochist!

what is wrong with me!

and its not that I have ignored the cards he has laid out but then sometimes his actions say otherwise. the carrot dangling is very confusing but that is all it is - carrot dangling and breadcrumb throwing.

Its so painful though, I feel like I want to jump out of my skin, the heaviness on my chest is palpable.

He will be back tomorrow and Im sure he will call me because he will want the car, I want to say go f yourself but I am trying to think objectively and not come from a place of anger but I cant just be 'normal' when I know he is probably down there having sex with his ex wife and playing happy families thus why I have been ignored this whole weekend. my heart has just been ripped apart

[ParisPaulette]

So why not get angry and tell him to go (bleep)? Especially when it sounds like he uses your stuff and expects to just let you do that. Why not get angry and yell and basically reject him from your life in a way that leaves no room for interpretations or pleadings or anything else. Tell him to go get his own freaking car, that yours is no longer available.

 

I'm sorry, but it really is only in your power whether you want to stay with this guy or not. Complaining about him will not change anything, only pulling the plug and kicking him out of your life and persisting in doing so no matter what he says or does. I've been where you are. The key to all of this is in your hand and your hand alone, not his. Use it.

[Katrinagirl]

There is a good book out there called "Addicted to Love." IMO this is why you're are completely unable to move on. You are addicted to him, addicted to the highs (just like a drug addict), but unfortunately, there are also lows. It's akin to playing the slot machine in Vegas, you are constantly anxious off balance because you never know when you're gonna hit the "good stuff"!! Like when he plays his "awesome boyfriend role". When he's playing that role, you are on such a "high" .... but then, he's back to being a douche and you're back to feeling like crap again. I know all about this type of addiction, I've been there!

 

This guy has got you on one great big emotional coaster ride! You need to break the addiction. I would suggest going cold turkey. Just like a drug addict, you WILL go through withdrawal, where you will want him (your drug) back so bad, you will do ANYTHING for it. Your body may even literally ache for him while you are going through withdrawal, but you need to be strong, otherwise you will never break it. After awhile of going cold turkey (NO CONTACT), you will begin for feel better, I promise! Then you will wonder what the hell you were even thinking by staying with this bozo!

 

During this time, I really would suggest therapy. I have been in your shoes and it took me YEARS to break the addiction. Nearly destroyed me. PLEASE don't allow that to happen to you.

 

((hugs)) and good luck! PM me if you want, like I said, I have been there done that, and have learned A LOT!

[breakherlegs]

You'll get all that dignity back when you leave him for real! That will feel awesome!

 

Seriously, he has no need to cut you out completely, because as you said, he's just getting the benefits. But you aren't really benefiting. Sure, he can be cool sometimes. Everyone can.

 

But being second-best to somebody who is sometimes cool, but a lot of the time, totally not cool... well, that doesn't really sound that great. If it makes you miserable, it isn't worth it.

 

Seriously. Next time he wants to see you, be brave, just say 'sorry, I'm busy'. Just turn him down. It's a tiny step, but it will make you feel empowered, give you some sense of control back, and that will make the next steps in getting rid of him for good so much easier.

 

After that, saying 'go f yourself' won't feel like a bad decision that hurts, it will be like a liberating breath of fresh air.

[missbritz]

Thanks guys!

Katrina I have the book! I don't think I am addicted to love in so much as I am addicted to THIS MAN! For whatever godforsaken reason!

And I get stuck in the past..ALOT! I really had reservations about coming up here and give up my life in the city, my job and play soccer mom to 3 kids and be a 'housewife' but he insisted it would be great and promised me the world, moon and stars and that he has 'never been so determined to make anything work like us'.

Look, I am a grown woman and I made my own choices, not blaming anyone for that but me. I guess I made a mistake in coming and he made a mistake in asking. He admits now to being selfish and a commitment phobic. Anyone reading this DONT move in with somebody so quickly like I did (8 months) its just not enough time to truly know someone well enough to make that enormous step. At least I can say that now I wont make that mistake again nor ignore any red flags for the future. I have learnt a lot about myself during this tumultuous relationship and yes I am intending to get therapy.