Why don't they give you a reason?

[Recovering_Lover]

I've read many posts as well as my ex has done this to me too.

 

Why is it that when they break off with you, they don't give you a reason?

 

I have asked for the reason so that I can move on, but my ex never replied . I have accepted that I would never get a reason and have been trying to move on.

 

I also have seen, many other posts where the breaker never gives the reason. Why is that?

 

I thought this would be an interesting topic we can exchange our views abt.

 

Any comments?

 

R.L.

[ticklebug]

Why is it that when they break off with you, they don't give you a reason?

 

Why ask why? At the time you are being told it's over...are you really going to accept the reason someone gives you anyway? Or if you are not of the same mind and don't want to lose that person are you going to try to talk them out of it? Even if they give you a reason...all it will do is just make more questions for you because you don't understand.

 

the reason any relationship ends is the same...they weren't the right person for you. If they had a problem with you, and didn't come to you before the relationship wasn't salvageable...the why's at that point, are moot...

[Hope75]

RL,

 

If only we knew............

 

I think that is the question on a lot of people's minds.

 

Sometimes it's so glaringly obvious, sometimes you later think back and see things that weren't so good and some places where things went wrong,

 

and sometimes you never get the reason you are looking for.

 

I guess my best advice is is she didn't give you a reason, even after you asked her directly, than the reason is that she is not the right girl for you.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

There is a chinese saying that goes ..

 

Love u in my heart, said it out is hard.

 

I hope u can get that figure out in ur head. Good luck

[FleX]

If u need to ask why then you are in trouble. Look at the red flags... look at your attitude... her actions and you can come up with a general reason why things happens. Don't try to overanalyze cuz you can come up with a 1000 things why your relationship went downhill.

[Recovering_Lover]

Sorry Ticklebug, I disagree with you there. Understanding the reason, helps in many ways.

 

You seem to be of the view that, if the person doesn't care, why do you care? just leave the person.

 

Often, it is not so easy as you see it. A conversation in regards to the reason, does not bring the person you love back. But it does give you insight into why the person chose to move on.

 

It really helped me in my past relationships and also has saved other relationships.

 

So, I say, that a reason always helps.

 

Why is it that when they break off with you, they don't give you a reason?

 

Why ask why? At the time you are being told it's over...are you really going to accept the reason someone gives you anyway? Or if you are not of the same mind and don't want to lose that person are you going to try to talk them out of it? Even if they give you a reason...all it will do is just make more questions for you because you don't understand.

 

the reason any relationship ends is the same...they weren't the right person for you. If they had a problem with you, and didn't come to you before the relationship wasn't salvageable...the why's at that point, are moot...

[ticklebug]

recovering...

 

I never said understanding the reason doesn't help...but many peope can't or won't give it...

 

the original poster said her ex wouldn't respond to her when she asked...no reason to obsess over why if you aren't going to get that conversation...

[FleX]

I would have to agree with Ticklebug. Ego and embarrassment have to do with this. You can come up with 1000 reasons why he/she left you but in the end look at the result. It could be her, it could be you. There are so many factors involved. If your being dumped just smile and walk away. Don't stick around or give them your gameplan about your next move. As ambiguous as a dumpers intention for leaving someone, the dumpee should return the favor by gracefully exiting the door and never coming back. Don't be bitter, don't dwell or feel sorry for yourself. Learn from the past and take your game to the next level.

 

Peace out.

[Switch187]

Yeah this may not make sense RL, but sometimes no reason is the best reason to leave someone. By not giving you an answer, she's basically telling you that she can't think of any reason why she should stay with you. Even if a person gives you a reason for leaving you, it will still leave you with more questions and wanting more reasons. The perfect example of this was when I dumped this girl I was with in HS. The relationship wasn't that great, and we were just way too different for each other. I eventually just told her that things between us have gone as far as they could, and that it would be best for both of us to just end it now. She, of course, wanted a reason why. When I gave her one, it just led to her wanting a reason for that (I said "I don't care about you in that way anymore", and she said "Why don't you care anymore?"). When I answered the next question, of course it led to another question. This went on for about 6 or 7 questions before I got fed up and just said "It's over plain and simple, just accept it". So to sum it up, finding a reason why will not give you any closure or make you feel better, it will just make you dwell on it more and more. She couldn't give you a reason why she's leaving, so it's just like her not giving you a reason why she should stay.

[Prosper]

Hi Switch187,

We are taught innately that loving a person doesnt need a reason at all, that was much that way, we wont want a person for a motive or reason being with us.

We are taught thereforeeee to question the reason of why someone leaves, when a someone was with us with no reason to begins with. lolx!

 

The saying goes.. Love u in heart, hard to say it out.

 

U need to learn love more, u dun seem to understand how love is. All the best in this endeavour

[Recovering_Lover]

Hey Switch,

 

I am not sure if you saw, that there was a reason why you broke up, you realized both of you were different.

 

Now, after giving this to the person as saying why you are different, that is reason enough. If hte person cannot accept it , then the person has a problem.

 

Just not giving a reason is a cowardly way of moving on. Everyone has a reason, you don't wake up one say and say, I want to break off, becoz I feel like it. It's often becoz, of something.

 

People, who can figure out why they are breaking off with a person, need to sit down and ponder, if they really fit to be in a relationship, becoz, love is not something, you just one say feel like it and next day, throw it away.

 

If you felt that, you should have the respect to tell the other and talk about it and try to resolve the problem. Not just leave, becoz you felt that way.

 

R.L.

[Recovering_Lover]

Hey Ticklebug,

 

I agree, if you obessed over why she didn't tell you, then its another poblem you are getting into.

 

But I felt, correct me if I am wrong, that you were saying, becoz the person doesn't want to tell, you should not try to find out.

 

I disagree there, I believe, you should try to find out, give the person some times etc, and see if hte person is slowly willing to tell you the reason. But after trying, if the person insists on not telling, you should just move on.

 

You wouldn't know unless you tried ya.

 

R.L.

 

recovering...

 

I never said understanding the reason doesn't help...but many peope can't or won't give it...

 

the original poster said her ex wouldn't respond to her when she asked...no reason to obsess over why if you aren't going to get that conversation...

[fantasia2004]

the reason is because they refuse to hurt your feelings.

[RayKay]

Sometimes they don't give a reason because they don't really know either..but often they just are not "feeling it" anymore, or just are not that into you anymore and that is often the case when they don't really have/give a reason, as they did not feel into it enough to tell you there was a problem in the first place....and I mean really, would you want to hear that reason?

 

 

Sometimes reasons are no more helpful than not having a reason. The times I have had a "reason" given have left me just as if not more confused and hurt than the times I did not!

 

Unless they have given you a concrete answer (ie that you fight too much, or they have someone else, or you are not compatible enough, etc etc) just accept it at face value - they have basically said they just are not into you enough to work at the relationship - and take that as a reason.

 

Breaking up sucks, for the record

[SilverManic]

There will always be a reason and most people will give you a streight answer. If they won't thats because there either isn't one or they don't want to hurt you. Either way you need to move on right? Don't dwel on it, I did once and he told me he used me. Now I see why he didn't want to tell me why.

The last one said it's 'because your not a happy person' meaining I nead to learn how to be happy. It's just the way it is. We just have to move on.

GL

~S.

[ocean9]

In some cases, I'm sure that 'why' might be obvious, but at other times, people just pull away (like what committment phobic people do) expecting us to still be there when they want back in.

[Scout]

I think it's odd if a long-term relationship ended with the person ending it refusing to give a reason. And if I was in a situation like that, I wouldn't be able to help obsessing over it!

 

But I've been in some short term things where the guy just vanished one day. That drove me nuts for a while, too, but eventually, you just have to come to the conclusion that if a person has to take such a cowardly way out to avoid confrontation/honesty, then it's THEIR issue, not your's. Eventually, that can help sort things out. But we can't always get the elusive, sought after "closure", I'm afraid.

[ticklebug]

But I felt, correct me if I am wrong, that you were saying, becoz the person doesn't want to tell, you should not try to find out.

 

 

recovering...this poster did try to find out...and there was a refusal to answer.

 

the idea of trying pursue a reason when you have already been given a clear indication the person that broke up with you has no intention of getting into it anymore with you changes it from curious to obsessive.

 

so yeah, ask once...but only once.

[ocean9]

I think that a respectful person will give a reason(s) if asked. If the person doesn't respect the dumpee enough to have that f2f discussion, then frankly the dumpee is probably better off without this person in her/his life. Cold and harsh perhaps, but actions do speak louder than words.

[Recovering_Lover]

But there is also the tendency for people to put on an act, so that you would hate them and move away. Although that is not what they would normally do.

 

R.L.

 

 

 

 

I think that a respectful person will give a reason(s) if asked. If the person doesn't respect the dumpee enough to have that f2f discussion, then frankly the dumpee is probably better off without this person in her/his life. Cold and harsh perhaps, but actions do speak louder than words.

[Recovering_Lover]

Hmmm....once only?

 

I would think that the person who is at the moment very frustrated and would not answer. But often given some time , and then later asked, they tend to have cooled down and this time around, they might truly answer.

 

If they don't answer after they have cooled down, then there is no point asking anymore, as they will never answer.

 

Thats my opinion.

 

R.L.

 

 

 

 

recovering...this poster did try to find out...and there was a refusal to answer.

 

the idea of trying pursue a reason when you have already been given a clear indication the person that broke up with you has no intention of getting into it anymore with you changes it from curious to obsessive.

 

so yeah, ask once...but only once.