Need to fall out of love... FAST

[mejane]

Here's the deal -- I need to fall out of love -- FAST. I'm married (14 years) but things with my hubby are on the rocks. I love the man dearly -- but as a friend or relative, not romantically. I've felt this way about him for many years (7?) although I wasn't willing to admit to myself that there was a problem. Needless to say, I'm not happy. I'd like to work on my relationship with my husband and either get the "spark" back or part ways amicably after I've given it a good shot.

 

There's one huge complication though -- I'm TOTALLY in love with another man. I've been friends with him for 11 years (we used to be coworkers but have since moved to other companies) and we've periodically gotten together for lunch. This summer, he dropped the bombshell -- we'd started getting closer (emotionally -- my company went through a round of layoffs and he was attempting to cheer me up), and he revealed that he'd had a crush on me since the day he met me. I probably should have run away at that point, but of course I didn't. After a lot of soul-searching and reflection, I realize that I've always had feelings under the surface for him as well. That did it -- I fell totally, completely in love -- the man is my soul mate. I could've sworn I felt something from him as well, but a month or so later, he decided he wanted to "work on things" with his live-in gf of 4 years. Feels he has "too much invested" with her. Why he didn't decide that before everything started, I don't understand. Anyway, since that time, he's told me that if neither one of us were "attached", things would be different. He also told me that the first couple years we knew each other, he felt/thought that I was HIS soul mate -- but he never said anything at the time, never revealed he had any feelings for me, much less any that strong.

 

So now I'm left -- despondent, depressed, on the verge of tears all the time. I can't work on my marriage as long as I feel this way about my friend, and I can't seem to get over him and fall out of love with him either. I'm considering asking my dr. for an antidepressent in an effort to think more clearly and not be so emotional, but I know that won't help me fall out of love... which is what I desperately need to do.

 

I know he still has feelings for me -- I KNOW it. Do I hang around and try to convince him to give us a shot? I suppose it doesn't matter either way -- I really don't want to cheat on my husband and I want to give our marriage a fair shake -- I can't throw away 14 years for another guy just like that.... But still, I'm heartbroken. I need to get over him FAST. My husband has no idea I have feelings for another man, and I don't plan to tell him because he doesn't deserve to be hurt.

 

What should I do? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to fall OUT of love?

[ticklebug]

well, you have two choices...

 

run head first really really fast into a brick wall and pray for amnesia...

 

or

 

get yourself into counseling...immediately. Anti-depressant medication is not a "magic pill" that will all of a sudden help you figure out what direction to go...that isn't how they work. You need counseling on top of the medication...so go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist.

[Iceman26]

Think about this: The guy friend you are in love with was your friend under false pretenses. He had a crush on you since the beginning and knew that you were married. He should have stayed away. I doubt true friendship was ever really his intentions with you.

 

I also feel that after his reaction, saying he wanted to "work on things" with his current girlfriend, that he was playing a courting game with you, that you were something of a challenge to him.

 

The only suggestions I have for you are to immediately cut off all contact with this guy friend of yours. You can't work on a marriage if there is a third person lurking in the background, you know?

 

It is going to take you and your husband to work on your problems together. That means talking with him about the problems you are having with him, and vice versa. If he is unresponsive, then suggest counseling. If that doesn't work, well, then I think you know where to go from there.

[mejane]

Thank you ticklebug and iceman for your replies.

 

ticklebug -- don't think I haven't considered the first option. as for your second suggestion, I actually am in counseling for exactly this reason, and my therapist also thinks I have to get over this guy before I can make any rational decision regarding my marriage. However, she has no suggestions for how to get over him. She's the one who suggested I get on antidepressants in the hopes I can think about things less emotionally.

 

Iceman -- I never thought about it that way -- false pretenses... how can someone keep up false pretenses for that long? I know I should do NC with this guy, but I was really hoping to remain friends with him. Maybe that will never be possible -- it certainly won't be if I can't fall out of love with him.

 

One thing I forgot to mention is that since this summer, I found out he's also bipolar -- I'm wondering if his revelations didn't occur because he was in a somewhat manic phase (but then I don't know much about that condition).

 

It's so painful to realize that you don't love the person you're married to, and the one you do love -- your soul mate -- once felt the same about you and now no longer does. Maybe amnesia wouldn't be such a bad thing....

[Iceman26]

Because you are married, he could keep up the pretense of friendship with you and date whomever he wanted to in the meantime because you were already unavailable. Basically he had nothing to lose.

 

I wouldn't be friends with him if I were you.

 

One other thing to think about, and this is a hypothetical situation.

 

If a girl who was married fell in love with me, and divorced or cheated on her husband to be with me, I would always wonder if she would do the same thing to me that she did to her husband, and I probably wouldnt take her emotions or her grasp of commitment seriously.

[hazlcha]

I second the counseling motions, as well as the motions to seriously be careful about the other fellow.

 

I think that some red lines are in order.

Firstly, cheating on a spouse is out.

Secondly, committing to someone involved with another is out.

Thirdly, dealing with the situation with drugs should be out, unless you are truly in medical need of them.

 

I, for one, believe that people got married for a reason, and that you and your husband once did love each other. By figuring out what changed, you can see if it's a renewable situation. Some marriages were mistakes, others got off track. If you stay in the red lines, you'll see that the immediate thing to do is to honestly appraise your marriage. Oh, are there kids? Big factor.

 

Love is a very, very complicated thing. Here's an important book which turns a lot of our concepts of love on their head. The time taken to read it is time very well spent. It is called, if I recall correctly, "Getting the Love You Want," by Harville Hendrix. His other book, "Keeping the Love You Find," is also groundbreaking. Check them out. There's information there everyone should know.

[Mentor]

but I was really hoping to remain friends with him.

 

No.

 

I know I should do NC with this guy

 

Yes. But only if you mean NC with extreme vengeance. If you want to save your marriage cut this guy from your life completely. Forever.

[ticklebug]

I actually am in counseling for exactly this reason, and my therapist also thinks I have to get over this guy before I can make any rational decision regarding my marriage. However, she has no suggestions for how to get over him

 

She isn't working with you on it first and foremost!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

oh honey, get a new therapist...

 

in order to help you get over your addiction to this other guy, you need to re-find the good in your husband...and your marriage...by working on rebuilding your relationship with your husband...your feelings for this other guy will fade...they already did before otherwise you would already be divorced...

 

If you were going to plan a romantic evening with the "other guy" what would you do? plan something start to finish...then, do it with your husband...

[mejane]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. It seems that the overwhelming sentiment is that I should cut my friend/soul mate out of the picture forever and focus on my marriage. Much easier said than done. BUT, I'll have to give it a shot. Nothing can be worse than where I am now.....

[smallguy]

My wife has just told me that she has fallen in love with someone else, we have two little boys, 3 and 6, I don't really know where this has all come from, but needless to say, I am devastated, we never argued etc, but as our marriage became a little flat, and the passion faded (which I think always happens) instead of trying to rejuvenate it she has just gone with someone else. That is a big decision, and I would urge you to first and foremost be honest with your self, not just follow the way that you feel now, these feelings will pass unless you fuel them, and think about all the things you love about your husband- has the new guy got the same qualities. Fantasy is one thing, but setting up a reality with someone else will often lead you back where you are now unless you do some work to change your own happiness first. good luck

[scotty77]

Perhaps you need time on your own ,away from your husband and your friend. Niether man may be the right man for you now .The fact you were so unsatisfied in your marriage led you to this other man but he wants to work on things with his live in girlriend.There isn't much you can do about his decision,I wouldn't wait around in the hopes he will break up with his girlfriend .

[joeshabadoe]

I hope you get the karma you have coming. The other man you have been seeing does not want you and is sparing your feelings. He knows that you have put your whole marriage at risk and probally feels bad so he is not telling you to get lost. You are a selfish person. You deserve to grow old by yourself, alone and depressed.

[bluesky411]

Ouch, joeshabadoe, that's harsh. I, too, am a married woman of 17 years who fell in love with another man. Feelings change all the time and you can't help it when love strikes. I think it's harder to get over someone you're in love with when you're married because you're not in the dating scene and meeting new people, and something is wrong in your marriage. Unless this man really tells you his feelings and wants to be with you, you have to forget him. You will end up pining away for him and ruining your life. That's what state I'm in right now. I feel like I will be on my deathbed and want to see this other man. I haven't seen him for 1 1/2 years. You have to figure out if you want to stay married or change your situation first. It's true that even if you love this other man he will not think of you in any respectful way and want to be with you if you're cheating on your husband. So you're in a losing situation with him unless you're divorced and then he wants you.

[joeshabadoe]

I appologize if I was too harsh, but she needs to first address her current marriage before even considering persuing this other guy. I think its completely selfish to stay with your husband just because your not sure if your love affair would continue if you split up.

 

Also this guy has told her that he is working it out with his current girlfriend so why try to sabotage that? This woman seems to be attracted to him because he is not attainable to her. He obviously feels bad that she feels so strongly about him and does not want to tell her that he does not love her, but hey maybe Im wrong. I just hate to hear people that consider only their own feelings and do not think how this could affect the others involved.

 

But I should not have said I hope you grow old alone, because even you deserve to be happy. Just try not to affect other peoples persuit of happiness in the journey to find your own!

[law1204]

Mejane:

 

I was involved with another man outside my marriage this past summer. My husband and I are now separated because of it. I am glad we are separated (but it still hurts), but I am also glad that I went NC with a vengeance on the OM.

 

Do the NC, I promise you you will be happier if you do and quite relieved. Even the perspective of a few weeks in the mentality of never having him in your life even as an option is extremely stress-relieving and eye-opening. In a short time, you will see how utterly wrong he is for you.

 

Joeshabadoe:

I sense that your words are the product of lack of experience. For that we can forgive your severe insensitivity. Please do others here a favor and stick to dispensing advice on topics with which you are familiar and perhaps have the ability to feel empathy for. Thanks.

 

--Law