Had sex with a random and now im confused!!!

[DoAVillianEasy]

I had sex with a random woman last night and the whole time i was comparing her to my ex, i am genuinely sick of thinking about her but it seems to be creeping in more and more these days.

 

Its been five months since my ex left me. I thought that statement "the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else" would be true but all it made me do was make me think about my ex.

 

Could someone give me some advice, im in usless at this!!!

[sharky988]

Seriously, as a human being, it disturbs me to hear another person you've had sex with described as "a random."

 

Your ex wasn't all that to reduce all other women on the planet to mere "randoms".... and as long as you view other women as inferior objects compared to your ex, do yourself -- and every woman on the plant -- a favor and stop having sex with them!

[lovelosthope]

You're only human to compare any other women to your ex for the next...well...for awhile I suppose. Just continue to work on yourself and focus on yourself. Try and go out and do new things, be adventurous and do something you've always wanted to do but have always been afraid. After my recent ex and I broke up, I made a list of things to do (mini bucket list) and did most of it and it felt great!

[DoAVillianEasy]

Thanks for the advice I like the sound of a bucket list!!

[Twidom]

I had sex with a random woman last night and the whole time i was comparing her to my ex, i am genuinely sick of thinking about her but it seems to be creeping in more and more these days.

 

Its been five months since my ex left me. I thought that statement "the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else" would be true but all it made me do was make me think about my ex.

 

Could someone give me some advice, im in usless at this!!!

 

"the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else"

 

This is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest BULLS** in the world. People who say this never gave a F* in the first place. Don't push yourself into having sex with other people just to get over someone. It does not work. I'm sorry to hear you're still having problems getting over your ex. Give it a few more months. All the best,

[Ms Darcy]

I had sex with a random woman last night and the whole time i was comparing her to my ex, i am genuinely sick of thinking about her but it seems to be creeping in more and more these days.

 

Its been five months since my ex left me. I thought that statement "the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else" would be true but all it made me do was make me think about my ex.

 

Could someone give me some advice, im in usless at this!!!

 

I think the best advice for you is not to try to use someone else as a filler for an emotional hole inside you. I know you weren't 'trying to use' her but if you were comparing her to your ex then she wasn't her own, independent being for you.

 

Consider doing some more difficult, inner, emotional work for healing. For example, have you done any of the following:

 

1. Meditation

2. Therapy

3. Reading relationship books (aka "Journey from Abandonment to Healing)

4. Increased Exercise

5. Daily Journaling

6. Personal Goal-setting

7. Increased social interactions

[Never]

Are you from the UK? ..because i am and i've heard randomer used a lot. Just means someone you don't know and isn't offensive or a gender specific term.

 

From what ive gathered, having sex as you described does work for some people as an ego boost or makes them feel wanted but it certainly isn't for everyone. Years ago I tried dating and kissing someone i barely knew a few months after my BU and it made me feel worse. Thankfully this did pass and it will with you too.

[DoAVillianEasy]

Are you from the UK? ..because i am and i've heard randomer used a lot. Just means someone you don't know and isn't offensive or a gender specific term.

 

From what ive gathered, having sex as you described does work for some people as an ego boost or makes them feel wanted but it certainly isn't for everyone. Years ago I tried dating and kissing someone i barely knew a few months after my BU and it made me feel worse. Thankfully this did pass and it will with you too.

 

Hi, yeah I'm from the UK.

 

Thanks for your words, it does help me figure this whole thing out.

[DoAVillianEasy]

"the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else"

 

This is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest BULLS** in the world. People who say this never gave a F* in the first place. Don't push yourself into having sex with other people just to get over someone. It does not work. I'm sorry to hear you're still having problems getting over your ex. Give it a few more months. All the best,

 

I'm glad someone else understands this. I honestly thought that sex would somehow make it better, seems I'm wrong.

 

I'm confident I will get over my ex, it's just taking it's time, thanks for your advice.

[greta96]

Yeah, that saying is a load of bull, the mere act of having sex with a new person doesn't help us move on, developing feelings and mental and physical attraction for someone new does.

 

Don't force yourself to be with anyone, let time do its job and when you're ready, you'll know it.

[Mr_LFA]

Do you still have any contact with your ex OP?

[DoAVillianEasy]

Do you still have any contact with your ex OP?

 

No, she just randomly messages me.

 

I won't bore you my telling it here but I have posted before all that stuff it can be found her.

[SooSad33]

I think the BEST thing here is to START moving on and do NOT reply to her 'random' messages anymore!

Stop playing her head games. She's keeping you on a string and you're holding on.

 

In order for YOU to get on with your own life at all is to stop re: anything to do with her from now on.

I've had my ex (from ayr ago) send me random msg's (yet he's the one who left the relation- fooled around), and I am NOT replying to them.

I'm sure he WILL soon get the message here to NO longer try with me- as I will NOT give in anymore to him

Just because he is 'in the area'.. lonely.. in a mood.. or bored, he contacts me?

No thanks- HE CHOSE to move on.. then keep going.

 

I will not be a 'friend' to someone I have had these 'feelings' for. Can't do it. It's ALL done.. and he hurt me!

 

Time to move along now, you think?

[Mr_LFA]

No, she just randomly messages me.

 

I won't bore you my telling it here but I have posted before all that stuff it can be found her. ]

I agree with SooSad33 in not replying to her msgs. In response to your op, I think it's normal to compare physically someone 'new' to your ex, especially if it is the first person you've been with since your ex. Years ago I ended up in spending the night in a 'randoms' bed soon after my first love left me after a 3.5 years together. Since I was still constantly thinking about her, I couldn't even bring myself to do anything! looking back it wouldn't have helped me even if we did.

[DoAVillianEasy]

I suppose this is the bizarre thing i was moving on perfectly fine, but now for some reason i am regressing and i don't know why. I thought i would be done and over it by now, Im actually starting to think i might have completely missed something and im on a bit of a downward spiral.

 

its typical for me, for things like this to happen, very annoying

[DoAVillianEasy]

I agree with SooSad33 in not replying to her msgs. In response to your op, I think it's normal to compare physically someone 'new' to your ex, especially if it is the first person you've been with since your ex. Years ago I ended up in spending the night in a 'randoms' bed soon after my first love left me after a 3.5 years together. Since I was still constantly thinking about her, I couldn't even bring myself to do anything! looking back it wouldn't have helped me even if we did.

 

She wasn't the first, the first was simply because i knew my ex would be able to get sex before me so i did it as a "coping mechanism" (how messed up is that!!) 3.5 years is a long time, i thinks its strange i was with the ex for 4 years which now seems more of a big deal then when i was actually in the relationship.

 

Im pretty sure Im getting dumber by the second too

[sharky988]

You say in your other thread that you were never that into her and that the relationship was more physical for you, and that you weren't the best boyfriend because you never cared as much as she did.

 

I'd guess that what you're feeling now is more about wanting what you can't have.

[DoAVillianEasy]

You say in your other thread that you were never that into her and that the relationship was more physical for you, and that you weren't the best boyfriend because you never cared as much as she did.

 

I'd guess that what you're feeling now is more about wanting what you can't have.

 

All that is true and as i stated in this post, i was doing perfectly fine and now its all going pear shaped and i have no idea why. Maybe your right but i don't know, mainly the reason why I'm on here to try and understand the issue so i can resolve it and walk away without being such a baby about it.

 

I though it would have been a straight forward process, as i stated in my last post that i was devastated when she left me. Then over time it would of gotten easily but as she messages me randomly, giving me **** it has impeded my "growth" and greatly irritated me, that she has shown no care towards me what so ever

 

It was more physical for me, probably the reason why i feel like s*** as it has reminded me of her.

[sharky988]

You seem to have an emotional disconnect in your personal relationships that, in your shoes, I'd be working on.

 

In any case, recovery doesn't happen in a straight line. You were together four years and you need to give yourself time. It's possible you had feelings for her that you didn't even know existed.

 

But I think it's more likely that you care more about her right now because you can't have her -- and if you ever got back together, you'd return to your former state of emotional detachment.

[DoAVillianEasy]

Ok, you might have a point in a way, but lm not emotionally detached.

 

Just for record i do not want to get back with her, i haven't contacted her once. More than anything i dislike her because she is or was purposely trying to get me angry in the messages she sent. Which in all truthfulness she has but she doesn't know that.

 

Why break up with someone and then keep coming back to purposefully try and hurt me, she already had the upper hand. Its like she wanted everything and nothing at the same time.

[Mr_LFA]

She wasn't the first, the first was simply because i knew my ex would be able to get sex before me so i did it as a "coping mechanism" (how messed up is that!!) 3.5 years is a long time, i thinks its strange i was with the ex for 4 years which now seems more of a big deal then when i was actually in the relationship.

 

Im pretty sure Im getting dumber by the second too

I can understand that so-called 'coping mechanism'. I did basically the same thing. The 'relief' was only very temporary though. Being dumped is pretty horrible but knowing that your ex is probably off banging someone else is like adding fuel to the fire. The only real solution to heal and get over them is to cut them off completely and time.

 

Like others have said I think it also is a case of you want what you can't have. Basic human psychology. Just say you did get back together, after the initial excitement and glow wears off then nothing would have changed.

[DoAVillianEasy]

I can understand that so-called 'coping mechanism'. I did basically the same thing. The 'relief' was only very temporary though. Being dumped is pretty horrible but knowing that your ex is probably off banging someone else is like adding fuel to the fire. The only real solution to heal and get over them is to cut them off completely and time.

 

Like others have said I think it also is a case of you want what you can't have. Basic human psychology. Just say you did get back together, after the initial excitement and glow wears off then nothing would have changed.

 

i agree with you completely, good to hear some else has gone through a similar situation so ill just take it onboard