Rough sex left emotional/physical scars...

[Amethyst]

I'm sad to think that you can just easily toss aside someone as garbage because they are going through a horrible life experience...when abuse/incest becomes a bain to someone's life and they need to come to terms with it...they shouldn't have to go through it alone. You have no understanding whatsoever of what childhood abuse can do to a person, the places it can take someone's mind without them knowing. Criminal "RAPISTS" (as you so boldly put it) are very aware of what they are doing and do it to get a thrill from it...this was no thrill for either of them...

 

You are VERY wrong! Do NOT judge me! You need to heed your own words -- "you don't get the whole story from an internet chat board".

 

Do you know why I have such a Zero-Tolerance policy for abuse? Because I've BEEN there! I went through 5 YEARS of being molested! I have DEALT with thoughts that I hate -- thoughts of abusing others. But, you know what? If I EVER touch a child that way, I hope they lock me in jail and throw away the key. I don't want to be EXCUSED for my behavior because of my past, and I certainly don't want to put someone else through what I have been through.

 

I NEVER said the guy was garbage or that he should go it alone. I simply said he had no business involving himself in a relationship where he's likely to hurt someone else. While I was having those thoughts, I knew enough to STAY AWAY from temptation so that I would NOT harm someone!

 

If I were to abuse someone else's child, would you suggest they overlook the incident and continue to allow me in their child's presense? I should hope not. This is no different.

 

I suggest you get off your high horse, ticklebug. I usually agree with your advice, but you are WAY off-base this time. Just because you have a doctorate doesn't mean you know all there is to know.

 

This is my last post on the subject.

[ticklebug]

amethyst -

 

at no time did I argue with you or become nasty in any way...there is no need for your hostility here, especially when this isn't even your thread. You asked me a question, I answered it.

 

You have your past issues that are leaning you towards your advice, that is just fine. I have my experience that bases my choice in advice.

 

Neither of us are "off base", wrong or what have you...nor am I on any "high horse"... I did not flaunt my doctorate...again, I was asked a question, and answered it. If there is anyone that is doing the judging here, it's you.

 

kbelles - good luck to you, whatever you decide...take a look at the books I sent you a PM on - they will help you with your decision on what to do. This thread never should have turned into a debate...((hugs))

[Well]

Something sounds fishy to me...anyway she's already made up her mind,not much more anyone can do here! Remember how the more mom said no, the more you did it?

[avman]

Alright that is quite enough. Lets stick to focusing on the original posters question and stop the "name that degree" and "my advice is better than your advice" arguments.

[savannahohsavannah]

But that is the nature of the debate here. Are we, as a group of people who would like to help Kbelles, going to give her advice that puts her, at age 19, an age where she should be having fun, in danger? Staying with this fella is danger.

Avman, let us handle this discussion please.

If we have two differing schools of thought on how to deal with violence and rapists, then kbelles will see both sides. But she must see them honestly to make her own choice.

[avman]

Avman, let us handle this discussion please.

 

I'm afraid once things got personal and people started attacking each other you lost that privilege. I'm stepping in now and putting a stop to the attacks. Debating is fine, flaming is not.

[Softmoonlight]

something major has surfaced in him, and i strongly suggest counseling for him before your relationship resumes to normal. especially since he was so rough on you, that is NOT a good sign darling.

 

i would suggest counseling for both of you, because his being that way has damaged you as well, only slightly in ways you don't realize yet. The trust you had has been damaged.

 

really think through if you want this relationship to continue as well. if he isn't willing to go to counseling, this may be only the beginning of his past surfacing. i'm kind of scared for you, and you may be very hesitant to have sex from now on.

 

i hope it turns out ok.

God bless you.

[BellaDonna]

Kbelles,

 

As a strong woman whp does not take any crap....my initial reaction to what happened to you was one of anger and like some of the others, I immediately thought: LEAVE THIS GUY!!!!

 

When I next read that you've only dated a year and that he had 2 kids from another woman already and that you are only 19 years-old....my reaction was further solidified. But I am not in your situation, I am an objective source looking at this from the outside.

 

I realize that you love this man. Love is blind....Your love for him will not let you see the potential danger you can be putting yourself in. He was not thinking of his love for you when he violated and degraded you like that. And do you realize that you are blaming yourself and trying to re-victimize yourself by saying that you consented to rough sex before. That has NO BEARING on what happened to you, Kbelles. You are not responsible for any of it. You need to put the blame where it belongs.

 

All I can say is that you are an adult and seem like a very caring person. I am not going to judge you....All I can advise is that if you plan to stay with this man (which you apparently do) then you need to proceed with EXTREME CAUTION. You should not even give him the time of day until you both are in intense therapy....that does not guarentee that he will get better ever, either. But if you are going to stay it is worth a try. It's the best you can do in the worst situation (which would be you staying with him).

 

Also, it sounds like he had a tough childhood, but he is an adult now...and EXCUSES such as "zoning out" because fo the past are NOT ACCEPTABLE for physically and mentally attacking others. There are many killers who claim that they have "zoned out" when brutally murdering someone....

 

I would be very cautious and honestly would worry if you did indeed ever marry this man and had kids with him. I know you said he was gentle with his kids, but what if he "zones out" again one day???????????? YOu have NO GUARENTEE THAT HE WON'T.

 

Also keep in mind that the "gentle" behavior he showed you after he sexually abused you is VERY COMMON behavior for abusers. Although he may have been sincere when he said he was sorry and felt bad- his behavior was TEXTBOOK CASE of an abuser who tries to romance/console their own victim after a violant episode. Sadly, in most cases, even after the gentle apology, the violent behavior HAPPENS AGAIN.

 

He is showing you the signs of the person he really is right now- it is your decision to take those signs and do what you wish with them.

I'm wondering what kind of hold he has on you. I'm starting to think that you may have low self-esteem and low self-worth to even consider staying with such a person. You need to look deep inside yourself and ask if this is what you truly want. Don't stay with him because you are afraid you won't meet anyone else. The choices you make now will affect you the rest of your life.

 

All I can say is that if you do stay with him, you must make him be in intense therapy....even that is no guarentee, but if you take him back without him having to do ANYTHING to address this problem, you will definitely be revictimized again.

 

 

I am truly wishing the best for you, regardless of what you choose. Please let us know how this turns out.

 

-BellaDonna

[Kbelles]

i genuinely appreciate everyone looking out for me and my well-being. i have read ALL replies, even the not-so-nice ones. I must clear the air by saying this: i DONT have low self-esteem. i DONT have low self-worth. i am not 'scared' of my boyfriend. i am a strong woman and mature for my age. i love myself too much to let a man 'abuse' me. 'Abuse' happens over time. im kind but i dont take crap from anyone. so i must STRONGLY RE-EMPHASIZE that I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIM OVER THIS ONE INCIDENT.

 

since the incident we have talked and he's starting therapy soon so that he can talk to a professional about some of the issues that have bothered him in the past. if the situation were ever to escalate THEN and only THEN would i leave but i would never walk away from all we have built together. he has problems within himself that he's trying to fix while trying to become a better man for me as well as himself by being in therapy. we are still together and making it work. thank you for your posts. i continue to be open to more replies and general feedback...