Mine would be you

[Wafils]

How do you let go of something that you were convinced, for the longest time, was incredibly special and unique? Maybe even a fairytale-esque romance? For the most part I feel good and I KNOW not being together is the best thing for us both. YET. A part of me holds on to this idealized notion of how "magical" things were with him. And I feel like crap because I doubt I will ever recreate that "magic."

 

I'm on the brink, pretty much. We were together 6 years. We've been apart a little more than one month. The break-up was not tragic, and I never really broke apart over it. In my heart I was walking away for a long time, I think. But the feeling of how wonderful things once were sticks with me to the core and I feel his presence sometimes, when I don't mean to or desire it. Like I was in the store the other day and the song "Mine Would Be You" came on. It's country which I don't love and I don't even like the singer but besides the point because as I listened to the words I felt my ex there with me. And another time I was cleaning and I found an old picture of him with a goofy smile and while normally pictures haven't bothered me in the least this one tugged at my heart.

 

SO...How do you stop idealizing someone and the something you once shared?? Does it just happen naturally or should there be conscious thought processes involved here? Is it possible to really let go of someone you still love and be completely neutral and emotionless towards them? BUT mostly...HOW?

[kitkat620]

Love isn't something you can turn on and off. Some people never stop loving someone. But given some time, you can live with that.

 

Your breakup is still very new. You will experience all sorts of different emotions right now. You could be sad and crying one day and throwing plates at the wall cursing him upside down the next. There is no easy way to go through this, I'm sorry to say. The only sure thing you have to help you heal is time. And try and keep yourself busy. Busy doing things that DON'T remind you of him. Don't go to the favorite restaurant the two of you shared, don't watch movies (or listen to songs) that make you sad, don't talk to his friends and ask about him (or ask if he's been asking about you), put away the pictures. Do these little things and give yourself some time.

 

You will begin to feel better. Don't worry about not finding that 'magic' again. If it were so magic the two of you would still be together. That magic you felt was temporary, you will find a different kind of magic that lasts a lifetime. Believe me, you will.

 

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...”

[Madman22]

I feel his presence sometimes, when I don't mean to or desire it.

 

As children grow up, they still call their parents and visit them. They dont stop loving them just because they can. Its the same with any relationship. There doesn't have to be a goodbye. Thats what love is. Love is NOT saying goodbye. Love is NOT letting go.

 

It brings me to thinking about a celine Dion song called "Immortality."

[Wafils]

You will begin to feel better. Don't worry about not finding that 'magic' again. If it were so magic the two of you would still be together. That magic you felt was temporary, you will find a different kind of magic that lasts a lifetime. Believe me, you will.

 

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...”

 

Thanks kitkat, that helps a lot. I shouldn't sit around ruminating about something that definitely is over, especially since I know it's a good thing it's over. Of course it's just the good times that linger, although sometimes I think about bad stuff and get angry. But that annoys me too, I don't want to feel anything. I want to be happy (for us both) that we have gone separate ways. But yeah, if it were really something special and great it would have been something with lasting power. That it was an illusion is still kind of hard to believe.

 

And Madman thanks too for your response although I disagree with the part about "love is not letting go." Although I have no desire to get back together with him and never will, I love him still, but know we were not a good match in the long run. We've been through incredible challenges together and yet there were still issues we couldn't overcome. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone you genuinely love is let them go.

[kitkat620]

I thoroughly understand. My ex and I haven't been together for close to 3 years. We remain friends and I do truly love him still but know we can never be a couple again. Sometimes people are better apart than they were together. Trying to change yourself to suit another person isn't fair to either one of you. Be who you are, and if leaving the person you love gives you the emotional freedom you need there is no doubt in my mind that is what must be done.

[t1lersm0m1]

Our brains and logic can know one thing, but our hearts and feelings aren't always on board with that knowledge. I struggle with this in relationships. I wanted to divorce my ex husband. He would always say he loved me, and I never said it back because our relationship was very bad. After a long time he finally found someone else and called it quits with me.

 

Deep down I kept hoping he would change and grow up and be the man I thought/knew he could be. To this day he still hasn't changed.

 

That doesn't mean the divorce was easy for me. I went through happiness when he first told me, to sadness at the loss of our family, to fear of being alone, to anger with him for not changing...and so on and so forth.

 

You are still very early on in the break up. You guys were together several years. It could take you 6 months or even a year to heal. You idealize him and the relationship now because you are FEELING with your HEART. As time goes on, the pain will lessen and your logical side will see that this all is for the best.

 

But dont' try to stop the feelings. They have to come, and you have to let them. That's the only way to truly heal. Feel the pain, the anger, whatever you are feeling. Don't run away into a glass of beer or a shot of tequilla. Keep busy, but don't keep so busy that you aren't mourning your loss. It's better to deal wth those feelings now than to try to squash them and realize a year or two from now you never dealt with them.

[Wafils]

I think right now I miss him more so since I am finishing up my school semester and he was always my go to person that I talked to about school accomplishments. He was enrolled at an online school so we cheered each other on and swapped horror stories about impossible professors and work loads etc. I just miss the sharing part so much. I know it will heal with time but wonder if it will ever be completely over, feelings-wise. What if I run into him 5 years from now and he's happy and married and I'm not and I still feel hung up on him. Yes the logical part of my mind tells me constantly you didn't want to be with him anyway, let him be happy with someone else but another part is sad about being left behind. Like a little child. I need to grow up too.

 

T1lersmom: I never got to thank you for your response to another thread I posted on the Personal Growth forum. Your reply was nothing short of amazing, it truly inspired me and opened my eyes and really, really made me think. A lot. And I've been working on that piece, on improving myself and self-esteem and doing affirmations when I think of it. So thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart. You have been through a great deal, and are obviously very brave, and wise. Your advice is like gold to me. You are absolutely right about keeping busy but not to the point of avoiding emotions, I see now. I kept myself running in circles to keep myself from thinking of him, for awhile, but seems to be catching up a little bit. Or maybe it's just a normal triggering event in the chain of break up recovery. Anyway I am particularly grateful for your kind words and suggestions.